After Our Divorce, I Still Wore Your Jacket

Chapter 52

Chapter 52

Their interactions had already gone off the path. As if walking across thin ice, they carefully took each step forward, fearful that one wrong stride would send them tumbling.

But how could this mode of interaction last forever? They would either truly take that wrong step and end up falling through the ice or they would find a better path and walk forward steadily.

It was obvious that neither of them had found that better path.

They had ultimately separated.

Even though Yuan Ye repeatedly said that they wouldn’t separate. Even though he was always so confident each time he said this.

In the end, they still went down their own paths.

Perhaps this was something that had been predestined long ago. At the bottom of their hearts, they were two different people. In all these years of interaction, they had relied heavily on love to cover up the conflict and friction that had originally existed in their relationship. There was ultimately going to be a day where they would have to face these. In essence, there hadn’t even been a catalyst for their separation: there was no need for one. Or, it could be said that before anything could happen, their separation had already occurred during that peaceful state. Sometimes, only a bullet hole the size of a fingertip was needed for glass to crack. Such a tiny hole was enough to make the entire pane of glass completely shatter. Many days and years had passed. The cracks had been there since long ago.

In recollection, the story was quite comical. Their end had surprisingly come to be solely because of a jacket.

A few days had passed since Fang Shaoyi had finished filming for that movie. It had been less than a week since he’d flown back from England, so the aftereffects of the time difference hadn’t completely dissipated yet. Yuan Ye was on a tight schedule. This was common between them. While Fang Shaoyi rested, Yuan Ye was usually quite busy. Fang Shaoyi hadn’t scheduled anything else after the movie. He wanted to take a long break; after Yuan Ye finished working, the two of them could go disconnect from the rest of the world for a bit.

Yuan Ye often needed to travel between two cities. He was truly very busy.

One day, Yuan Ye drove back and picked Fang Shaoyi up from the company. The two of them went to Yuan Ye’s parents’ place for dinner. When Yuan Ye spoke, his voice was a bit nasally. It sounded like he was sick.

The car was parked slightly far away. After dinner, they needed to walk for some time to reach it. Yuan Ye was only wearing a short-sleeved shirt. It had just rained, so the temperature was slightly cool. Fang Shaoyi furrowed his brows and scolded, “You’re wearing so little.”

Yuan Ye didn’t find this a big deal. He was used to being so casual. He also had a strong immune system, so never cared too much about these things. On the other hand, Fang Shaoyi still had a bit of a low fever. Yuan Ye chuckled and said, “It’s fine. I’m not cold.”

“Can’t you tell that you have a cold?” Fang Shaoyi took off his jacket and handed it over. “Put it on.”

Yuan Ye didn’t accept the jacket. He only shook his head. “I don’t have a cold. You wear it. I’m really not cold.”

Fang Shaoyi didn’t keep arguing with him. He spread the jacket out and directly placed it over Yuan Ye. Yuan Ye jumped off to the side to avoid him. After, he cheekily said, “We’re outside, ge. Don’t be so touchy. We’re going to end up on Weibo again if someone takes a picture. You wear it.”

His jump off to the side was a bit exaggerated. Fang Shaoyi froze in place. He had missed his target, so his arms were still held out.

After, Fang Shaoyi didn’t say anything else. He silently put the jacket back on. Yuan Ye wasn’t the most sensitive person. He looked down at his phone to check his messages, not even looking up in the slightest.

Thus, when Fang Shaoyi suddenly spoke up again, Yuan Ye was quite confused. He couldn’t follow the other’s train of thought. Fang Shaoyi asked him, “Why are you so stubborn?”

“Un?” Yuan Ye looked up at him. “What?”

Fang Shaoyi didn’t turn to meet his gaze. He only asked again, “What do you feel awkward about?”

Yuan Ye blinked. It took a few seconds before he finally understood. Fang Shaoyi’s expression was a bit dark. Yuan Ye was halfway through replying to the messages on his phone. He pursed his lips together and finished replying before putting his phone back into his pocket. Then, he reached out to touch Fang Shaoyi’s hand. He grabbed onto it and squeezed it, then asked with a smile, “You’re angry?”

Fang Shaoyi answered, “No. I just don’t know what’s actually going on in your head.”

When they reached the car, Fang Shaoyi yanked his hand back. Yuan Ye’s palm felt empty. He reflexively tightened his hand into a fist, but wasn’t able to keep anything.

Right now, this was their usual state of being: inexplicable conflicts followed by cautious reconciliations. An endless cycle.

Fang Shaoyi wasn’t someone who got hung up over small issues. He very rarely got angry at Yuan Ye, including now. He wasn’t truly mad. Only, the long term stress of maintaining this relationship had already caused both of them to become overly sensitive. The more one cared, the more invested they became. The more one thought, the more sensitive and perceptive they would become. No matter how famous one was, no matter how great their background was, at the end of the day, they were still a normal human. Nobody could avoid these things.

Affection could tear even gods off their pedestals. Who was of clearer mind than anyone else?

After getting in the car, a long silence followed. Fang Shaoyi’s gaze was deep and dark. Yuan Ye took a glance at him before turning away and not looking again.

Eventually, Yuan Ye broke the silence first. He asked Fang Shaoyi, “Baobei’er, you need to let me know why you’re angry first before I can placate you.”

Fang Shaoyi’s expression remained unchanged. He kept staring forward. A while later, he lowly said, “You need to let me know what you’re thinking about too. I really want to know as well.”

As he said this, his tone was filled with fatigue. Yuan Ye could instantly tell. This wasn’t the only problem between them. From some unknown time, their interactions had started becoming very deliberate. But nothing good had come out of this deliberation.

They were both quite tired. Nobody was relaxed.

Fang Shaoyi’s tone was filled with exasperation and helplessness. It seemed to electrocute Yuan Ye’s heart, causing a burning pain.

A thought flashed through Yuan Ye’s head. With no brain to mouth filter, he directly blurted out, “Since we’re so tired, we might as well......”

Fang Shaoyi turned his head and looked over. He stared straight at Yuan Ye. Yuan Ye ultimately couldn’t get the last two words out. He couldn’t bear to. Those words were too painful; he couldn’t say them.

He didn’t finish speaking, so Fang Shaoyi turned back around. He didn’t even ask any questions.

The entire drive was silent. The air in the car seemed to have solidified. It was a suffocating atmosphere.

In the end, when they reached home and parked, Fang Shaoyi said while stepping on the brakes, “Finish your sentence.”

Yuan Ye undid his seatbelt. He looked down and made to pull out a cigarette, but he had already stopped smoking for quite some time.

Reality was before their eyes. The two of them knew better than anyone what their current state was. Things couldn’t be cleared up anymore.

No matter how hard it was to say something, that something still needed to be said in the end. Before bed that night, Yuan Ye softly said into the dark, “I want our love to be young and fresh forever. Let’s not turn it into something old and sick.”

From start to finish, Fang Shaoyi hadn’t said anything. His silence almost made it seem like he didn’t exist. Even his breathing noises were exceptionally quiet.

How much energy had it taken Yuan Ye to say that? He had used all his energy from the past ten years.

He truly had caught a cold. Though he hadn’t been able to tell previously, when he woke up this morning, every muscle in his body felt sore. He had lost his voice too. The burning sensation in his throat also made him not want to speak. Fang Shaoyi hadn’t checked on him at all. After waking up in the morning, Fang Shaoyi had gone downstairs. He had visited the company in the morning and brought porridge back for Yuan Ye at lunch.

Yuan Ye didn’t have much of an appetite, but still finished the entire serving. He didn’t even leave a single grain of rice behind.

From beginning to end, Fang Shaoyi remained calm, as if nothing had happened. When Yuan Ye finished eating the porridge, the two of them sat at the dining table, motionless. Fang Shaoyi suddenly reached a hand out to touch Yuan Ye’s forehead. He asked, “Do you have a fever or do I have a fever?”

Neither of them had a fever. They were both quite clear headed.

Fang Shaoyi looked into Yuan Ye’s eyes. He asked, “You’ve made up your mind?”

Yuan Ye had used up all his energy to say what he had said last night. No matter what, he couldn’t respond to this question.

Fang Shaoyi waited a long time for his response. Eventually, Fang Shaoyi stood up. His voice was a bit low, but very calm. He inquired once more, “Have you made up your mind or not?”

Yuan Ye’s head felt like it was going to explode from pain. Every inch of him hurt. As he stared at Fang Shaoyi, his eyes slowly turned red. They made eye contact. Yuan Ye blinked and kept his mouth glued shut. Fang Shaoyi heaved out a long sigh.

When Fang Shaoyi tugged off the ring, which had been placed onto the necklace around his neck, and threw it at Yuan Ye, Yuan Ye reached out to catch it. Usually, when they threw things around like this, Yuan Ye never missed a catch. He was very nimble. But today, perhaps because of the fact that he had a cold, or because of some other reason, he wasn’t able to catch that thin chain. The small metal ring landed on the ground, softly clinking.

That faint sound seemed to drum against Yuan Ye’s heart. His heart was like a pane of glass that had been shattered into infinite pieces. The shards of glass dug into his skin and flesh.

After leaving, Fang Shaoyi didn’t return. Yuan Ye called him several times. Fang Shaoyi never picked up. Later on, Yuan Ye called Ji Xiaotao; Ji Xiaotao could also tell that there was something wrong between the two of them. His tone was careful as he spoke, relaying that Fang Shaoyi was fine and telling Yuan Ye that he didn’t need to worry.

Yuan Ye had practically never regretted anything that had come out of his mouth. He also never hesitated about things he had made decisions about.

But he didn’t feel carefree at all after making this decision. Additionally, he very quickly felt regretful.

Yuan Ye was thirty two. He had been in a relationship with Fang Shaoyi for almost fifteen years. He basically couldn’t recall the first half of his life that had been spent without Fang Shaoyi. How were they supposed to separate?

Yuan Ye truly felt regretful. Even though nobody knew better than him that this was the only path left for them right now, he still felt regretful.

The next time Fang Shaoyi returned, he brought the divorce papers with him. He placed them by Yuan Ye’s hands and told him, “Sign.”

Yuan Ye’s voice was so raspy he could barely speak. He asked, “Did you get the messages I sent you?”

Fang Shaoyi didn’t reply. He repeated, “Sign.”

Yuan Ye looked over those papers. The two of them didn’t have kids, so there was no need to worry about custody after their divorce. The agreement was mostly about the separation of their finances. Yuan Ye scanned it, then burst into laughter. Fang Shaoyi was truly very generous.

Yuan Ye shook his head and cleared his throat before saying, “Ge, let’s have another chat.”

Fang Shaoyi stuffed the pen into Yuan Ye’s hand. His voice got colder. He furrowed his brows and told the other, “No. Sign.”

Yuan Ye’s nose soured. He put the pen down and rubbed his nose with his hand a bit, then softly said, “It’s not right to split our finances like this. Do it again.”

Fang Shaoyi pulled a chair out and sat down. He nodded. “Okay. Tell me how you want to split things.”

Yuan Ye placed both his hands on his head and tugged at his stubbly hair. He buried his face into his arm and said, “I want to give everything to you......”

Fang Shaoyi closed his eyes. After a brief pause, he finally replied, “Tell me what else you want. If there’s nothing you want, then sign.”

Yuan Ye maintained the same posture and didn’t move. He cleared his throat a few times, wanting to talk, but didn’t lift his head up. In the end, when Yuan Ye finally spoke, his voice was shaky. This, in addition to his hoarse throat, his words were practically incomprehensible. It was rare for him to allow himself to appear so put out. Yuan Ye said, “......Ge, I don’t want to sign. I don’t want to get divorced.”

Fang Shaoyi stared at him silently. Yuan Ye put his arms down and laid on the table. He buried his face into the table and rubbed his forehead against his wrist a few times. He choked out, “Can I take back what I said? I’ll placate you......is that okay? How am I supposed to sign......Can you cut my hand off and use it to sign?”

It was raining outside. The spatters of rain on the window made the room feel slightly colder. Fang Shaoyi gazed at the back of Yuan Ye’s head from where the other was sprawled out. His irises were completely dark, a bottomless void. The whites of his eyes were red now, though: a scattered red pattern of veins.

“Say something, ge,” Yuan Ye continued, still face down. “I’ll be diligent in placating you, okay......Let’s tear these papers up.”

It was rare for Yuan Ye to speak in this manner, using this tone. He was truly begging. From start to finish, he didn’t look up. His voice was muffled and very nasally.

He had never begged Fang Shaoyi like this for anything. They only fooled around like this occasionally in bed. He never needed to plead so hard for things he wanted. Besides, there wasn’t anything that Yuan Ye desperately desired. His only obsession in this lifetime was Fang Shaoyi.

Yuan Ye pushed the papers back to Fang Shaoyi’s side. He sat up straight and stared straight at the other while asking, “Let’s start over, okay ge?”

Yuan Ye knew how to shamelessly make a scene. Fang Shaoyi was also willing to watch him shamelessly make a scene. But right now, Yuan Ye was shamelessly refusing to sign, yet Fang Shaoyi wasn’t convinced in the slightest. He grabbed those pieces of paper, creating wrinkles from how hard he was squeezing. Fang Shaoyi stood up; the chair released an ear piercing squeak as it grated against the ground. Fang Shaoyi threw the papers down next to Yuan Ye’s hand with a thud.

Fang Shaoyi walked over and stood behind Yuan Ye. He stuffed the pen into the other’s hand, then grabbed onto that hand. He was squeezing harshly, truly using all his strength.

“How long did you think about this?” Fang Shaoyi’s voice was practically coated in ice. Their hands were wrapped together, one on top of the other. Both were forceful, causing the pen to tremble. In this position, Fang Shaoyi had basically entrapped Yuan Ye into his embrace. His mouth was glued next to Yuan Ye’s ear as he spoke. This was an extremely intimate pose.

“You wanted to say those things for a long time. Don’t take them back after you’ve already spoken them into existence.” As Fang Shaoyi spoke, puffs of air blew into Yuan Ye’s ear. Half of Yuan Ye’s body had gone numb. Fang Shaoyi continued, “It’s been fifteen years. When have I not given you what you wanted?”

Fang Shaoyi squeezed Yuan Ye’s hand, harshly slamming it against the papers. Both of their hands hurt. The tip of the pen stabbed the paper, leaving a tiny black spot. Fang Shaoyi said, “Don’t you want this? Then why are you still hesitating?”

How could Yuan Ye be stronger than Fang Shaoyi? Fang Shaoyi had acted in numerous action movies and had spent several years going through formal kickboxing training. Yuan Ye’s knuckles were practically getting smushed. With Fang Shaoyi squeezing his hand, he was forced to sign “Yuan Ye.”

Yuan Ye had always been someone who stuck to their decisions, but wasn’t Fang Shaoyi the same? Fang Shaoyi rarely changed his mind about his choices too. He almost never expressed his emotions, almost like he didn’t have much of a temper. Yet, when he stubbornly wanted something – like now – Yuan Ye knew very clearly that he couldn’t stop him.

Fang Shaoyi wanted to get divorced, which meant that this divorce was absolutely happening.

Yuan Ye shook out the hand that had been squeezed by Fang Shaoyi a few times, opening and closing his fingers to ease the ache. Then, he used this numb hand to touch the area over his heart.

This place felt numb too. It was empty.

Fang Shaoyi had been twenty. Yuan Ye had been seventeen. That year, they had both been passionate youths. They had been hesitant and conflicted before naturally starting a relationship.

After five years of love, these two wild youths recklessly declared their relationship to the world. What was there to be scared of? With love, there was nothing to be afraid of. They were going to get married.

Another ten years passed. A divorce agreement and a stamp: in return, they received their divorce certificates.