Beers and Beards: A Cozy Dwarf Tale

Chapter 20: Boom!

Chapter 20: Boom!

So. I’m an [Alchemist] now.

That means I am currently sitting in my room with a radler staring at a wall. Why? Because I don’t want to spend another hour looking at blue boxes. It turns out when you get a Title it comes with some big benefits plus the choice of a Milestone, and I don’t particularly feel like making another big decision right now. I was kind of bummed out. I was doing my best to put a smile on my face and power through things, but I really wasn't doing my best. My dreams of magic had likely just been snuffed out, and I was possibly on some God's hitlist.

“So, tell me again. You’ve been gettin Blessins for months?” Balin and I were currently sitting in our room. He’d brought me a plate of dinner that was sitting half-eaten on my bedside table.

“Aye, nearly everyone but Archie and Lunara.”

“Archie?”

“Uh, Archis.” By my beard, I'm just full of opportunities for blasphemy charges today, aren’t I?

“And ya turned ‘em all down?” Balin’s voice was filled with incredulity.

“All of ‘em. I wanted Archis’s Blessin, because I wanted to learn magic.”

“Oh.” Balin paused and scratched at his head for a while. “That makes some sense. All the dwarves I know with magic are Blessed by Archis.”

“I want it too. So, I turned them all down.”

“Then you got Barck’s Blessin.”

“Then I got Barck’s Blessin.” I sighed and took a drink of the radler. Gods, I wanted a stronger drink.

“So, what happened?”

“The Blessing had no way to turn it down, and then I was forced to take it.”

“That’s… not normal Pete.” Balin looked very uncomfortable. “Are ya sure?”

“There was a countdown and everythin.” I said, plaintively. I was taking a bit of risk talking about this with Balin. However, Balin had saved my life once already and I’d saved his. I was also his ‘family’ in his current relationship with Annie, so I figured it was ok. I needed to talk to someone about this. Keeping stuff bottled up is never a good idea, and I didn’t know enough to judge this situation. I was worried that a 'forced blessing' was a punishment for evil, or would mark me as an Otherworlder.

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard the like.” Balin pulled at his newly regrown handlebar moustache and thought for a while. “Ya may need to go see a [Priest].”

“That sounds like a Title. Are they for specific Gods?”

“Aye, Lunara and Midna, but they can speak for any or all of the Gods.”

“Would it really be a good idea to go see someone like that about this?”

“Why not? Yer havin’ God problems, so go talk to a God botherer.”

“What if I’m cursed by the Gods, or they accuse me of blasphemy?”

“What’s blasphemy? That another kind of way to ruin beer?”

“Nah, it’s when you… defame the Gods I guess?”

“Oh, like insultin a noble? That’s always a bad idea, lot of laws about that.” Balin hummed and hawwed for a bit. “I’ve never heard of blasphemy. Is it something you learned in the human lands? You mentioned you were up there once.”

“What?” That seemed strange to me. How could a world with Gods not have blasphemy? “I mean, doesn’t the church get angry at people when they insult the Gods?”

Balin choked back a laugh. “Why?”

“Because it would threaten their authority or somethin.’”

“Pete, the Gods don’t care if you insult them.” Balin laughed.

“They… don’t?”

“Half of the time we swear it’s at the Gods!”

“Oh.” I had noticed a lot of Godly Arses, Beards, and Yams and such. “Why don’t the Gods care?”

“Because they’re Gods!” Balin sputtered. “I feel like I need to get Sam in here to talk to ya. He knows a lot more about this stuff.”

“Sam does know a lot of weird stuff.. Any reason to ask him and not say, Doc Opal?"

“He’s all about politics and the machinations of the Gods. It’s a Blessed of Midna thing.”

“Is that why you two keep arguing over politics?” Last week Balin had put Sam in a headlock after he had sung an ode to the Queen’s “Comly Beard and Shaply Rear’d”.

“Aye Sam thinks the nobility isn’t needed anymore. I say that if was good enough for the Ancestors, it’s good enough for us! The greybeards have hundreds of years of wisdom, so it makes sense to listen to em. Just look at Doc Opal!”

I sat upright at that. “I didn't know she was a noble.”

“Not officially, but damn near. She’s not a true noble yet, but she’s as close to one as a dwarf like you or me’ll meet. She’ll probably be made a noble if she keeps doin’ so much good work.”

Opal is indeed quite different from most of the other dwarves in the camp. She has a more cultured accent, and she doesn’t involve herself in any of the fights or quarrels. She’s a calm pool in the chaos of daily life here. Wait...

“You can be ‘made’ a noble!?” I asked in surprise.

“Course! Dwarven nobles are chosen by the greybeards! I hear human nobility is chosen by birth. Stupid way to do things, nothin special about bein born!”

Well, that was interesting. Maybe I could become a dwarven lord or duke sometime in the future?

“Anyway, we were talkin about the Gods. They don’t care if we insult em?” I asked.

“Nah, it would be like getting insulted by a fly.”

“I mean, we smush flies.”

“Ok, mebbe not the best example.” The two of us shuddered in unison, imagining a giant godly hand descending to smush a recalcitrant dwarf. “Pete, the Gods don’t need to worry about their power or authority or anythin’. They’re Gods.”

I mulled on that a bit. As a proud agnostic from Earth, my main thoughts on God up until this point had been polite disbelief. Then in less than a year, I'd died, reincarnated, and had to adjust to multiple very real Gods who grant magical powers.

"Back to the main issue, Balin. Do you think I may be cursed, or Barck punished me for somethin?"

"I doubt it, Blessins are a gift. My best guess would be that you needed that gift? Like when a kid asks fer a present and you want to give it to them, but mebbe what they really need is socks."

I'd had an Aunt who always gave socks for Christmas. I hated that Aunt. "Then why don't the Gods do that all the time? If they know better, just do it. They're Gods, wouldn't they always know better?"

"Dunno, I'm not a God, Pete. Talk to Sam, or a [Priest]. Mebbe Barck needed ya to take it. Then a God would owe you a favour!" He slapped me on my shoulder. "Some people never get a single Blessin Pete. They're a privilege! Trust that Barck had a reason for it, and see what happens."

Hmmm... if all went to plan I'd be in Minnova soon. I guess I could talk to a [Priest] there. Hopefully it wouldn't get me mixed up in some crazy politics. Speaking of which.

“Do the [Priests] get involved in government at all?”

Balin sipped on his beer before answering. “Pete, [Politician] is aTitle granted by the Gods, so [Priests] don’t need to get involved. Besides, the Gods don’t really worry about what we’re doin. Except you apparently.” He gave me some side-eye as he said this.

“So that’s a yes?” I asked. Balin thought for a bit before answering.

“Only time I’ve ever head o’ [Priests] or [Paladins] getting involved with government was when there was a really corrupt Titled noble. I mean really, really corrupt. Lunara doesn’t look kindly on anyone with her Blessin’ flauntin’ the law."

Well, what a change from Earth. I guess the trope of an evil or overbearing church doesn’t work when the Gods are very real and always watching. No blasphemy charges for Pete! Huzzah! That was one problem solved, but now I had another.

“Alright, I guess I'll do it. Will it be easy for me to find a [Priest] when we get to Minnova?”

“I imagine so. Heck, you may get them a Milestone if it’s something important.” Balin nodded. “I still don’t understand why that happened to ya. What did the message say?”

I thought back and recited from memory as best I could, “You have created an incredible new invention that can change the world! You have caught the attention of Barck and he wants to give you his Blessing!”

Balin shifted uncomfortably. “Pete, I’ve been helpin you with this, and yer practically my brother.”

“Thanks Balin.”

“That said, I want ta dump you and yer ‘gunpowder’ in a dive tunnel and seal it up. That message makes me very worried.”

“Why?”

“Didja not read it? ‘Can change the world?’ Pete, when a God says yer goin’ ta change the world, they mean it.”

Well, I already knew that. I just really, really, hoped that it would be in a good way.

Balin studied me suspiciously, “You’ve been sayin this stuff will be useful for mining. What is it, really? I understand powder, but what’s ‘gun’?”

“Well, the easiest way would be to show you. Come on.”

I lead Balin out of the room and over in the direction of my makeshift workstation. I’d left everything kind of just piled up, but there’s no real weather or animals out here so I think it should be fine. We made our way over a ridge and down into the basin. I could see Minnova in the distance as we made our way. Soon I would be in the big city, and I could begin my life here in earnest.

“So this is it…” Balin said, as he looked into the bowl.

“Yeah, be really careful with it. This stuff is dangerous.”

“Is it a good idea ta bring it into the mine then? It’s already plenty dangerous in here.”

“Well…. You’ll see. This stuff has a lot of uses outside of the mine too. Like fireworks.”

“What are those?”

“Well, it’s like bright shining fire in the sky.”

“Magic can already do that.”

“I know, I’ve seen it, Thanks for the reminder!” I grumbled. “It’s different, you can make beautiful shapes and stuff out of it.” Come to think of it… I didn’t really know how to make fireworks. Maybe being an [Alchemist] would help with that. I eyed the four blue boxes I was ignoring. I’d get to them eventually. “Alright, let’s do this. I need to see if it actually works, and I want to show you that we didn’t waste the last year of our lives.”

“Okey, what do ya need me to do?”

“Just stand over here, and I’ll do the rest.” I walked us a very good distance away from my workstation; over another ridge and further away from camp. Hopefully the distance and the rocks would keep anyone from coming to investigate the noise. I put Balin a safe distance away and placed the bowl down. “Uh…. I need a way to light this.” Damn! I had no way to do it safely! There wasn’t too much in the bowl, but it would still make a pretty big bang.

“I can go get a taper from Bran, give me a bit.” Balin said and ran off.

While I stood twiddling my thumbs and waiting for Balin I realized a small problem. I didn’t know how to make a fuse… I know it involved fabric, but that was about it. This could be an issue. Then again, the valuable thing was the gunpowder; I didn’t necessarily need a fuse. Even Barck the Bastard agreed with me on the value of gunpowder! Soon enough I could see Balin’s helmet crest the ridge and he came down with a smoldering piece of wood.

“Will this do?” He asked as he ran up.

“Yep! It’s perfect!” I emptied the bowl onto the ground a few paces away and then washed it out. I grinned at Balin as I walked up to stand beside him. “Are you ready for me to rock your world?”

Then I threw the taper onto the pile of powder.

There was a sharp *BANG* and a bright flash of light and heat. I could feel my eyebrows singe and I was momentarily blinded. Maybe I’d put down a bit too much powder.

“ME MOUSTACHE!!! PETE!!!”

“Sorry, Balin!”