Beware Of Chicken

Chapter Volume 3 30: The Crone

Bi De alighted before a tiny coop that was nestled against the wall of Verdant Hill. It was an old, slightly run down looking affair, with a thin fence around it with a little yard for storing animals. There were several signs placed facing the fence that bordered the lot with another, similarly run down looking place. They loudly proclaimed that “Shu” fornicated with donkeys and was ugly and bald.

The lot directly beside it mirrored this with its own signs, stating that the woman who lived next to him was a witch who conspired with demonic goats, and similarly had had carnal relations with every man and horse in Verdant Hill.

Bi De considered these for a moment, before deciding it wasn’t his problem. He was here for a different reason.

Before the front door lay a goat. The beast placidly chewed its cud, staring at the empty air.

Bi De coughed, trying to get its attention.

After several seconds, and the goat doing nothing, he tried again.

“Excuse me.” he asked. There was another pause, but slowly, the goat turned a lazy eye to him, and chewed a few more times.

“Is the Mistress of the house in?” he asked politely.

The goat considered him, and cocked her head to the side at his voice. She swallowed the cud in her mouth, and lifted her hind leg lazily.

The goat’s cloven hoof smashed against the door with a resounding bang that sent the whole shack rocking.

There was the sound of a head hitting something, a pot falling, and then a screech of outrage.

“Lan Fan, You Dare?!”

A familiar old woman burst from the shack, brandishing a broom. One of her eyes was milky white the other was wide and wild, rolling like it had a mind of its own. Her hair was disheveled and her robes unkempt. She looked like she had been jolted awake. A cat with only three legs followed after her, his eyes narrow with wroth.

The goat regurgitated her cud, and started chewing it again, looking distinctly unimpressed by the pair of angry residents. As the woman shook her broom and took in a breath to begin an undoubtedly crass tirade, Bi De interrupted.

“Grandmother. Do you have a moment?” He asked, his crystal vibrating.

The woman glared at her goat before she turned a gimlet eye to the rooster on her fence. She huffed, and turned around, stomping back inside. The three legged cat snorted and reentered the house after giving Bi De a once over.

She had left the door open, however, and Bi De took that as an invitation to enter the small, cramped shack. It was as he remembered it. Carvings of animals were hung everywhere, knicknacks, stones, and other assorted objects were strewn all about filling the space. There was a bed with an abundance of blankets on it, and the old three-legged cat had claimed it.

To his surprise when he entered he saw the old woman had actually started making tea, instead of just giving him hot water like last time.

“So? Was the map useful?” she demanded without looking back at him. “You certainly took your time with it, boy.”

Bi De blinked at the sudden question. “Yes. It was indeed useful to me, Grandmother. It led to a discovery of great significance. For that I thank you.”

The old woman grunted as she pulled out two tea mugs. She glanced at them both. One was in good condition, but the other had several chips out of its top.

She placed that one in front of Bi De, and took the better one for herself.

“So here to just thank me, or ask the question eh? Everybody always has questions.”

Bi De paused at the emphasis on “questions”, but forged ahead anyway.

“You are correct, Grandmother. I do have a question, if I may ask it.”

The woman waved dismissively at him, as she pulled the water from the fire, and poured it into the cups. “Why did you give me that map, in particular?”

She paused, and turned to him. The mismatched orbs, one blind, the other hale and piercing, stared straight through him as the room seemed to darken. Her eyes narrowed, as she digested his questions. Then, she spoke.

“It seemed like a good idea at the time. Why, what did you find there, anyway?”

“You did not already know?” Bi De was taken aback by her curiosity..

The women sorted. “What? Were you expecting me to have all the answers? Was I supposed to be some grand puppet master? Too bad! I have no clue what’s going on either! Never do. Kahhahahahaha!” The woman descended into cackles, her eye rolling madly.

She laughed so hard she had to hold onto the table for support,

Her laughter slowly subsided, and she sighed. Into the awkward silence the rooster asked.

“But… then may I ask how you came across this map?”

“Come across it? I made it.”

Bi De paused at the blunt answer. The old woman chuckled at the confusion on his face. “What do you know of divination, boy?”

“As in… foreseeing the future? My Great Master said that such a thing is normally unreliable.That trying to change fate could set it in stone.”

“Huh. That lost boy always has surprises, that one.” she said, her eyes growing faint, and her tone wistful… “Though I suppose he's not really lost anymore, is he?” She refocused on Bi De. “But he's right. Divining the future is… unreliable. Trying to change it? Nigh impossible. Wasted years trying. Do you know how maddening it is? To see a cultivator follow your visions to the letter and still meet Heaven’s mandate.... And then have a mortal defy them completely by accident and stubbornness? Fate laughs at us, believe me I know. Gives me a damn headache just thinking about it.”

She glared at the wall of her house, in the direction of the other shack, before shaking her head.

“It’s not all peering into the future trying to defy fate. Sometimes it is simply seeing. Past. Present. This little ability of mine was quite in demand, before I retired!”

Bi De heard a hiss. The old tomcat on the bed was positively glaring at the old woman.

The woman rolled her eyes, and broke into a massive grin that showed off her missing teeth. “Oh, this old lady used to be quite the jade beauty, yanno? Every man and woman under the heavens desired me, but it was a tiring life, a bit too full of excitement and accidents for my taste.”

At that, she glanced at the cat on her bed, her eye flicking to the missing limb, and she scratched idly at her stomach. It was the same place Loud Boy kept touching, the spot over his Dantian, the source of his cultivation. “So! I did what your Master did. Left it all behind! Everything! Found the weakest, most out of the way province. Heh. Did you think he was the first to have that idea, eh?”

Her eyes sparked with mirth.

“It does seem to be a more common desire than one would think.” Bi De mused, stroking his wattles. “Though Grandmother, why choose this particular place?”

He glanced around at the… used building. It was a bit drafty, especially for her advanced age.

“Ha?! What's wrong with my house, you pile of feathers?”

Bi De froze at the aggression. “I am merely considered for your wellbeing, Grandmother. It can't be very warm, and cutting the firewood…”

The old woman snorted. “I’m tough, and my skin’s more leather than flesh. I’ll be fine. Besides, I like it here! It’s a fantastic place to live! Young Men run away screaming, thinking I’ll curse them, and instead of trying their hand with poisoned words, prominent ladies give me tea! And I think I’m close to finishing off that old bastard next door! Kahahahahahahaha!”

Her laughter tailed off, and she took a sip of tea.

“But it wasn’t always so nice. I used to live down near the big city, and my life was one of torment! Barely a week in this damn province, I started getting visions. It was annoying! So annoying, the flashes of memory, of some strange cataclysm long past. A spirit, bound to the land, moaning weakly about how it needed to find an heir.”

The old woman took another drink.

“So I made a deal. It would shut up, and I’d send a worthy successor on their way.”

“You promised to help it so it would stop annoying you?”

“You got a better reason? The bastard sent me all over these damn hills, making that map, and marking that location. Then, I simply asked the fates where a good successor would show up… and moved here. At first, I was going to give it to the young Magistrate! He fit the bill! He would have been a grand Emperor!— but he might have gone mad from the stress. So I decided not to risk it… and he’s too pretty to go out on an adventure. Have you seen his behind? Tight! Tight like a tiger! And he walks around town for us gals every day! Khahahahahaha!”

Bi De stared, concerned, at the cackling woman.

“Then… then there was that boy. That lost, lost boy. He fits. He fits, you know?”

“....yes. I know.”

“But I’m soft in my old age! I couldn’t do it! A boy that lost needs to put down roots, not keep wandering. And besides. He brought me back my goat. Always reward a man who brings you your goat.”

Bi De snorted at the simple answer.

“And then there was you. Well. It wanted an Emperor. And what is a rooster but the Lord of a Farm?”

So, was it mere chance? Or.. was it truly fate? Bi De didn’t know and he doubted he would get a real answer out of the woman.

“I see. Thank you for your trust, Grandmother.”

“Keh! Don’t be so damn polite, you brat. I did you a disservice.”

“Be that as it may. A boon can wind up a disservice, and a disservice a boon, can it not?”

The old woman cackled once more. “Oh, you have no idea.”

Bi De smiled at the old woman. He did have a long while before he would be returning home…

“I still do have some time, Grandmother. Would you like to hear of my journey, and what was in the crystal? Or is it pointless, to tell a tale to one who can see the past, if she wishes?”

“Why do you think I made the tea, come sit! I know some parts. But good stories are still enjoyable, even if you know what’s going to happen. All that’s left is to see if you’re good at telling tales. My favourite is Tao the Traveler! And to think people think he’s full of hot air! Kahahahaha!”

She grinned challengingly at him.

Bi De steeled himself. He would do his best to rise to the occasion.

“It started like another tale. One we both know very well…” he began.

And so Bi De told his tale to the old, and eccentric woman. She listened intently, chuckling, heckling, or interjecting whenever she wished, the old tom cat laying on her lap. Lan Fan, the goat had ventured inside as well, placidly chewing her cud as always.

“Huh.” the old woman muttered when he was done. “Now that is a tale.”

“Indeed. Though… I must admit that there are still many questions. The Mist Wall for one. One would think there would be some memory of it… but the Healing Sage said that in all the texts she has read in the archives, none of the histories mention its existence.”

The old woman scratched at her chin. “That's the way with this kind of thing. All you get is bits and pieces that some idiot deems important. Pha!”

The rooster shrugged his wings. “I suppose. Thank you for the tea, Grandmother. I should go.”

“Mm. Thank you for the tale and the company, young man. But don’t come over too often. I hate guests. You—”

“Grandmother? Bi De asked, concerned. Her face had lost all expression, she stared into space as if nothing else existed. Both the cat and the goat looked at her in alarm.

Then, all of a sudden, the crone took a deep breath. Her eye rolled wildy in its socket, and she started to breathe heavily. Sweat beaded on her forehead.

“Grandmother—” he started towards her, when her hand suddenly shot up, and pointed at him.

And then Bi De saw. It was hazy; like a dream. The vision swirled and suddenly coalesced.

From the central plains, and their fortress cities, warded against demons, did the Crimson Phoenix Empire march, fresh from their Victory at what would be called Demon’s Grave Ravine.

Something had happened to the Demons. Some great devastation. And there would be no hesitating. They forged onwards, beating back the threat.

In their expansion, they found a hundred thousand hidden realms and powerful fortresses. Curtains of fire, citadels of gemstones, and shields of blinding light held the diaspora of man, tiny torches against the Demons. Others, they found broken and ruined, their protections failed, and their people perished.

Others, sensing the demon power waning, opened of their own accord, stepping back out into the continent, and adding their strength to the wings of the Phoenix.

Until one day, as they pressed ever notherward, they came across fading protections.

Cultivators of the ascendant Crimson Phoenix Empire were quick to notice, and breach into the massive ‘hidden realm’. It was one of the largest they had ever found. They expected riches and resources, and people who would be willing to lend their might to the ever growing crusade.

Instead, they found the Azure Mountains. A Qi desert. Sects, as weak as they had ever seen., Resources that even bare Initiates struggled to get use out of.

A broken, weak place, without any redeeming qualities.. Save for that it was land, and it was present.

And so an envoy of the Emperor was dispatched.

“The Emperor demands your loyalty! Bend your knees, and you shall know prosperity!” The man called to the people, his Qi a shining beacon that even the entire population working together couldn’t hope to match.

Emperor. Emperor. The word tickled in the back of the people’s minds. They served an emperor.. Didn't they? A great Emperor, who had protected them all.

The People of the Azure Mountains bent their knees without a single drop of blood being spilled.

And thus, Tianlan Shan, the Azure Hills, were added to the Empire.

The Azure Hills, because there were no mountains here.

As abruptly as it began, it ended. Reality snapped back into place. The old woman’s hand dropped and an expression returned to her face. She panted heavily, her face locked in a frown.

She spat to the side.

Bi De, shaken by the sudden vision, steadied himself before speaking to the old seer. “Grandmother?”

“...happens sometimes.” she grunted, shaking her head. The cat on her lap nuzzled against her, while the goat sat back down and started chewing again, the action grinding and almost violent looking. “Now… you were just leaving, yes?”

Bi De bowed his head. “Yes. I could ask the Healing Sage, if you require assistance…?”

“It’s fine, boy. Now! Out, out! Shoo! Or I’ll be having chicken soup for dinner!” The old woman scolded, making wild gestures with her hands, getting more energetic with each passing moment.

Bi De smiled, and bowed to her.. When his departure was interrupted again, this time by a knock on the door.

The crone’s entire body twitched, and a massive grin stole across her features.

“Oho? It's time.” she muttered. She quickly stood and straightened out her dress, before she stomped over to the door and wrenched it open, gazing at a man on the other side. He was old and bald, with thin limbs and liver spots. He had one hand behind his back, and his face was locked into a frown.

It was the same man that the Crone had gotten Bi De to scare, all those months ago.

“Oh! If it isn't Bald Shu, darkening my doorstep!” she sneered, surreptitiously reaching for a rather old and soft-looking root vegetable beside her door.

“Hag. Today was the final straw. I’m going to have to do something that I’ve been thinking of doing for a long while.” the man announced, his voice surprisingly strong compared to his appearance.

The crone’s lips twisted into a grin.

“Oh? And what are you here to do, Shu?” the old woman leered.

The man set his shoulders, and drew himself up to his full height… which was the exact same size as the old woman in front of him.

“You wretched woman! You live on your own! With no sons or daughters to take care of you! No wonder you act this way! So! Take this as a declaration of my intent!”

The crone’s smile grew as she watched him shout. Until the man suddenly dropped to a knee, smoothly pulling a bouquet of Snowblossom flowers hidden behind his back. The beautiful, icy blooms looked like snowflakes. “If no one will take care of this spirited woman, then I will!”

The crone’s jaw dropped open. She stared, utterly dumbfounded at the kneeling man… but there was no disguising the flush that crept up her cheeks.

“You—you?!” she stammered, as her hands rose, almost unbidden, to take the flowers.

For a brief moment, the crone seemed almost young.

“Hmph! I’ll meet you tomorrow, woman! And make a respectable lady out of you yet!”

With that, the man stood, and turned on his heel, marching back towards his house.

The old woman staggered back into her house, her face aflame.

“Wha? How… he wasn’t supposed to—” the woman stammered, before her face went completely red. “You old bastard! Me, needing to be taken care of?! Needing to be respectable?! Tell that to yourself!” she shrieked.

The mushy tuber in her hand sailed out the open door toward the marching man and missed completely. It looked like the old woman had tried to lead the shot… and the man hadn't gone in the direction she had predicted.

The man frowned at her. “You dare?” he asked, crouching down, and collecting snow in his hands.

The old woman cursed, and immediately stepped out into the snow to do the same.

Bi De watched, dumbfounded, as two elders began a childish scuffle.

For some reason, it looked like the old woman was purposefully stepping into some of the projectiles, but judging by her cursing it was completely unintentional.

Bi De watched for a moment longer.

“They complement each other quite well, do they not?” he asked the old tomcat.

The cat had a smirk that looked entirely too familiar… before he was once again, just an old cat.