Death, Devotion, Dissonance

Chapter 10 - Killing Oneself

Evin stood near the doorway to his home, staring at his father's figure who was walking down the street. The man informed Evin that he was going to be away for the evening and left. Evin didn't know why, nor did he care. He was just glad he could take some time to be alone in the house.

After making sure that his father was really gone, Evin went back inside, locked the door with the keys like his father instructed and went to his room.

"Was that you who did that?" he spoke in a whisper.

Unexpectedly, he received no answer. By Evin's guesses, the voice should revel in striking conversation with the boy, especially since it's been so long since the last proper conversation the two had. Believing so, Evin waited patiently.

Evin always thought the voice was some kind of parasite in his head, which had no good use whatsoever, so he never resolved to entertain him. Moreover, he didn't want to do so, because almost every word the voice uttered was one of mocking and disdain. There was another theme where it always tried to separate him from his father. Not only that, it just felt wrong. Evin never really knew why it was so, but every time it spoke, things just felt wrong.

There was logic in the things it spoke, but they all seemed skewed to benefit whatever nefarious scheme it was thinking inside his head. There were times when the voice taught him lessons and Evin could see the reasoning behind it, but they all seemed to serve an unknown purpose of some sorts.

Unfortunately, Evin couldn't guess at the voice's intentions. He tried to do so ever since he was a child, but he was never successful. Thus… he decided to ignore it. Sure, he would fail at it a few times here and there, but he's been making some progress. At least he wasn't falling into full-blown conversations with it lately.

But because of today's incident, that all had to stop. Evin suddenly needed to speak with the voice of his own accord. The voice was knowledgeable about magic. It could so easily accomplish the Imaginary Casting that Evin struggled so much with, it could be called a miraculous event.

'So miraculous that it could be called one of the Miracles of the Empress,' Evin thought.

"Hey, uh, Voice, are you there?"

<Hmm? Are you talking to me?> the voice replied lazily.

"Yes, I am. And I'm asking you, was that you who did that?"

<Did what?> the voice played dumb, clearly enjoying the situation.

"Stop playing dumb! Did you cast that giant fire? I know you did, you even said so afterwards!"

<Ah, that. I guess you could say I did it.>

"Can you do it again?"

<Probably.>

"Then teach me how to do it?" Evin demanded.

<Huh?> the voice exclaimed in a disbelieving tone, <Why would I do that?>

"What do you mean, why would you do that? You've lived in my head for so long, it's about time you show some of your usefulness."

<Listen, kid. I'll explain things to you in the simplest manner possible, alright?> the voice said in his signature mocking tone.

"Okay…"

<I could teach you all I know about this Imaginary Casting that people are talking about, but frankly, I don't want to.>

Evin didn't understand. The usual voice would be reveling at the thought that Evin had finally become a mage. So since he wanted him to become a mage, then he should also want him to become a good one, right?

"I don't get it."

<My god you're such an idiot,> the voice sighed dramatically, <Oh, Empress Above, why have you done this to me? Or should I send my complains to the woman? … But I don't think she'll be able to hear me… Sigh>

The voice started speaking gibberish again.

<Okay, imagine yourself in my position. You're me and I'm you. Let's say you try to speak to me over and over and ooover again, but I just never respond. The few times I respond, I tell you to shut the fuck up. How would you feel?>

"I'd feel bad…" Evin replied after a bit, "But it's not like I have any other choice. If I speak to you I get beaten."

<You're speaking to me now, and I don't see you getting beaten,> the voice hummed. <How weird.>

"Alright, I get it. My bad."

<No, no, no. I'm not done yet. All that stuff happened for years and years, but today, you finally become a mage. And coincidentally, I happen to know how to do this Imaginary Casting or whatever it's called,> the voice said emotionally, <And the moment I become somewhat useful, you suddenly start speaking to me. You don't even apologize for your behavior all these years and start demanding that I just up and teach you all I know. Are you actually serious?>

Evin listened to the voice vent and started to feel remorseful.

<But that's not the worst part. You see, I know you're a fucking asshole at heart. If I was raised by a father that only beat me, and I had a voice in my head that always badmouths other people, then I'm sure I'll become an asshole as well,> the voice paused, <But even if I was an asshole like that, I won't call someone else as a 'voice'. You never even bothered to ask me for it, but here you go. I have a name and it's called Endra. It's not my real name, as I can't remember that, but I made one for myself using the last bits of your full name.>

"I'm sorry, Endra," Evin replied to the voice.

'But are you willing to teach me or not,' Evin wanted to ask next, but of course, even he wasn't that shameless. He needed to say something better sounding.

"How can I make it up to you?" he said, after some thinking.

<Alright, whatever. As for how you can make it up to me… You know how you need money to buy things from others? You know how they refuse to give the things if you don't have money? Same concept here.>

"You want payment? What would you even need as a voice in my head?" Evin asked.

<God, I sometimes wonder why you just can't speak like that to your father. Be snarky with him, be braver, make him understand that you're not just his punching bag. And if you can't do that, just fucking run or something.>

Hearing about his father and thinking about standing against him, a cold sweat ran through Evin's back. His mouth suddenly felt dry, as his eyes started wavering.

"And go where? I still need to live in a house and I definitely don't have enough money to support living alone…" Evin grumbled in response, trying to keep the fear from seeping into his voice.

<You can run towards the mage you met today and just tell her you're constantly being abused. If they can pull a 4th grade like Kon to the levels of 1st grades, then taking care of you until you're old enough should be a walk in the park. You've heard the woman speaking about protecting mages, right?>

"Okay, fine. I'll think about it! Now tell me what you want."

<Actually, I want you to run to that mage now and do what I just told you,> the voice said flatly, <If you can do that, I'll gladly teach you how to start a small fire using magic.>

"Why is me leaving my father behind so important to you, anyway?" Evin snapped.

He really didn't like talking about this topic. One of the reasons why he disliked the voice, was the fact that it always kept bringing up his relationship with his father.

<You know why, Evin,> the voice sighed, <For better or worse, I'm stuck here with you. If you're doing good, then that means I'm also doing good. Because of that, I just want you to have the best life possible. And I'm positive that staying with your father result in the complete opposite of that.>

"I'll talk to him later. I'm sure he'll let me go study in the Academy anyway," Evin said stubbornly. In his opinion, since he could attend the Academy from his home, there was no need for him to run away from home.

<He-he, you're really a kid, huh? You seriously believe your father will suddenly turn nice and understanding, waving you off every day as you walk towards the Academy.

<You know what I think? I think he'll come home drunk tonight and start beating you senseless. He'll tell you to refuse the mage's invitation, and if you don't, he'll threaten to beat you more. Saying stuff like you can't escape his influence since you'll live in his house, or maybe if he's shameless enough, he'll pull out the 'I'm your father, so do as I say!' card out of his ass,> the voice tsked, <I'd really prefer to have a dog as my father rather than that disgusting man.>

"Shut up!" Evin shouted back.

<And the saddest part is, you'll do as he says. I'm positive of it and I've accepted that it's going to happen. He'll beat you and abuse you, but you'll take it like it's normal and then go to the mage to refuse her offer,> Evin could almost see the sneer on its face, if it had one. <He-he, don't worry too much though, the mage obviously has a plan in her head.>

<And just as a heads-up, that woman's really not the saint she appears to be either. She could've let you stay behind for a random excuse and asked you about your relation with your father. Then you'll start crying like the little bitch you are and then she'll put you under the protection of the mages,> the voice laughed, <But no. Remember how she tauntingly told you that it's okay for you to visit her any time? She wants you to run up to her feet and seek help on your own accord.>

"She couldn't have known…" Evin murmured.

<I don't understand. Why do you need to make excuses for everyone else? Or do you really think it's not obvious your dad beats you on a daily basis? You know you flinch every time he moves, right? You know you seek confirmation from him every time a decision needs to be made, right?> the voice scoffed, <You really think the world's full of idiots who actually believe the flimsy act of family you and that degenerate play out?>

Unable to take it further, Evin ran towards the kitchen and took hold of a knife. He held to his neck and said loudly.

"Stop talking about my father and tell me how you cast magic!"

<Ha-ha-ha, or else what?> the voice taunted.

"Or else I'll kill myself here and now. I know you can't stand the idea of me dying, right?! Just shut up and teach me what I want!"

<Oh, this is rich,> the voice cackled, <Do it, boy. Stick it in your neck, see if I care, ha-ha-ha.>

"I'm serious!"

Evin's hands suddenly jerked pushing the knife into his neck. A sharp signal of pain buzzed through Evin's head as panic took over him. His breathing became rough and uneven, forehead turning sweaty.

Carefully, he touched his neck and found drops of blood on his fingers. Evin's head was suddenly struck by a dizzy spell, as he struggled to see clearly, shaking slightly.

'Did I seriously just stab myself in the neck…?' he thought fearfully, as the voice's laugh ringed in his ear.

<Don't panic so much. It just grazed your neck a bit is all,> the voice laughed, <I learned something when I was casting magic for you before. If both of us have the same intentions, I can actually take control of your body for a brief moment.>

Evin's head was still full of fear, as he searched for some clothing to cover over the wound. Thankfully, there wasn't much blood flowing out of the wound, so like the voice said, the wound seemed shallow enough.

<Weird how you take a beating from your father every other day, but you act like this when your life falls in actual danger, huh?>

Pausing a bit, it continued.

<I was just reminded of a saying I heard before… goes something like this: 'If you want to die, then throw yourself off a cliff into the sea. You'll find yourself struggling to survive the cold, violent waters... You do not want to kill yourself. It's something inside you that you want to kill.'>

<Awfully fitting for our situation, isn't it?>

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