Death, Devotion, Dissonance

Chapter 152 - Revelations About The Self

Bella got out of her bed, feeling groggy, stiff, tired, and overall miserable. She couldn't get a wink of sleep after her argument with Evin, so she spent the entire night rolling around in her bed. So, she decided to walk around her room a bit to clear her head. 

She thought about many things during her undesirable all-nighter, which was almost becoming a weekly thing. It was becoming a routine for her to argue with Evin before he left to see his mother and then lose sleep over it. Bella didn't know why she did this to herself. She also didn't know why she did this to Evin.

But at least this time, she came to a few conclusions. First, Evin didn't know about how her vagina worked, because he didn't have a nanny like Bella, who thoroughly educated her on the matters of the genitalia. She couldn't tell how the boy knew about sex, though. Perhaps he learned by peeping on a prostitute and her customer while invisible? 

He could definitely do it, considering his talents… Well, probably not. But it was funny to think about.

Anyhow the second conclusion. 

She realized that she was hopelessly falling in love with him. She always like him, but she never thought she would become so addicted to him so fast. She showed him so many different sides of her, but Evin always accepted them with open arms. Her strong side, her vengeful side, her spoilt side… everything.

She also realized that these sides of here weren't that accurate as she first imagined.

She wasn't the talented, capable girl with strong opinions that everyone thoughts she was. At some point, she was definitely that, but very quickly, that 'her' was turning into someone else. Sure, she still had her skills as a mage, and sure, she could be considered pretty capable, but compared to actually capable people, she was feeling like she was out of their league. 

Among the 2nd years of the Academy, she was undoubtedly the strongest one, but that was just because she spent so much time with her family's mage guards. They were happy to teach her all they knew and Bella was also happy to learn whatever they thought her. The only way she wouldn't have turned out capable was if she was just an idiot. 

Compared to that, Evin's rise in strength was almost miraculous. Half a year ago, he wasn't even able to run at someone properly, but looking at him now, the change was… well, miraculous.

Sure, some of it was thanks to the 'Voice' he kept talking about, but Bella knew that Evin was capable of doing all those things by himself. He was always vocal about how the 'Voice' was always considerate of his privacy (despite the fact that it lived in Evin's head permanently), and always reassured Bella that they were alone. 

Bella, too, convinced herself that Evin didn't have someone sitting in his head whenever they were kissing. She was even learning to deny its existence by convincing herself that Evin was just a little crazy. Not too extreme, just a small case of a multiple personality disorder, whatever the heck that means. She had to do it, since she felt like it was the only way for her to function without freaking out.

After thinking about all sorts of things while walking circles around her room, Bella inevitably ended up on her bed again. 

'Evin must be flying towards her mother's place about now…' 

She frowned at the thought, and tried her best to not think about it too much. The mere thought of him being somewhere without her and having fun was making her feel like someone was choking her.

Honestly, Bella didn't know that she was capable of such jealousy. 

What Evin spoke was right. He was only going to be away for a day. There was absolutely no reason for Bella to lose her mind and sleep like this. It was absolutely lacking in logic. 

'Why can't you just let him go and enjoy a day for yourself?' 

The problem was that a day of her being alone would always end up feeling torturous. She was literally acting like an addict, never able to concentrate on something for more than a few minutes, always looking around, searching for the thing that made her feel happy. For others, that happy thing was alcohol, or fly-weed, or maybe even sex. For Bella, it was Evin. 

Every moment he was missing, she would be imagining what would it be like if he was there with her. What would they be doing if they were together? She wouldn't really care even if they did nothing. Maybe a bit… but she'd be content as long as Evin looked happy. 

'I wonder if she's mad at me…' she though with a sigh. 'He should definitely be enjoying his time… Wait, is he even there yet? Then perhaps he's looking forward to enjoying his time…? Was he thinking about him? I wonder if he's feeling guilty as he's flying over to Jiha town?'

Even if Evin left for his mother after having an argument with her, Bella couldn't really hate Evin for it. After all, she knew she was in the wrong. She didn't want to be one of those people, who couldn't admit that they were wrong. Evin seemed like he didn't like those sorts of people. 

"Haaah…" she sighed out again, before rolling around in her bed once more. 

Again, Bella didn't know how she turned out like this. 

She thought she was someone, who was so hell-bent on revenge that she didn't even care if she was committing patricide… but she was now realizing that that wasn't it either. 

After spending time with Evin and learning the care of someone else, she was feeling more and more that her revenge on her father was something petty and small. 

She thought she would never feel like this, but she really couldn't give a shit about her father at this point. Who even cares? He was just some wimpy old man who didn't have the balls to acknowledge the severity of the situations surrounding him. He was like someone who was covered in shit, but was refusing to admit it for whatever reason.

Was Bella really going to revolve her life around killing a man like that? It felt cliche, but revenge really didn't resonate with Bella after she got a taste of what real happiness felt like.

These days… her heart was filled with love. Compared to her failure of a father, Evin was much more important. Not just him. What he did, who he was with, how he was feeling… all those things were countless times more important that her performing patricide and potentially ruining her life.

'Who knew how much my perspective would change after a few weeks of being intimate with someone?'

Bella suddenly jumped up, her ears perking up. Someone's footsteps were walking through the corridor outside, and… they undoubtedly belonged to Evin. She couldn't mistake his quick, yet still soft steps. 

Evin never walked fast when he was with her, but alone, he walked quite fast. But for some reason, he always tried to keep his gait silent, so it took Bella some time to learn to recognize them coming.

'Did he come to me?' she thought at lighting speed. 'Why? Did he really not go to go to his mother's? But why wouldn't he go there? … I mean, there's only one answer why, isn't there? Did he… come to do that with me?' Bella thought and a huge blush appeared on her cheeks. 'I'm not ready for that!'