abcnovels
Chapter ?95 The Harem God's Advice
Chapter ?95 The Harem God's Advice
"Okay, ladies! We're already behind schedule for the slumber party." Tricksie yelled.
"But before continuing, can we agree we want Leon to bathe with us next time?
We can't discuss it around him, so we must reach a consensus now."
Everyone quieted down and whispered to each other.
"Didn't we already do that?" Kazz asked in confusion.
"Keyword consensus." Tricksie clarified while looking at Zora and Zena.
"What are you looking at us?" Zena asked coldly, "The argument that he's necessary to protect us is insulting. But we'd never stoop so low as to complain about his actions."
The haremites looked at them in confusion.
"You people are remarkably delusional." Zora scoffed in disbelief, "This is his bathhouse; my sister and I follow him because we want to use it. Setting up guidelines for him using it is repulsive."
"If you don't want to bathe with him, leave when he shows up or come later." Zena followed, "He saved your lives, yet you're treating him like he's demanding your body for rent. Leave us out of this backward farce."
The bathhouse fell silent and awkward.
"In a satisfying stroke of irony, those two have the most common sense here." Lindy laughed in disbelief, making the ardent Leon supporters chuckle.
"Leon's already establishing bath hours for people that want more privacy." Caitlyn clapped.
"So if you're a trauma victim, you can bathe during those hours as he intended.
For everyone else, we've agreed Leon makes us safer, has a phobia preventing him from being creepy, doesn't care about you or your body, won't force us to bathe with him, is good-looking and charming, saved your lives, and owns this place.
Does anyone have an offensive reason for him not joining us?"
"When you put it all on the table, I'd feel like a bitch for sayin' yes." Kaze laughed.
Caitlyn nodded and looked at the women. Everyone shook their heads, most with wry smiles and shame-filled eyes.
The blonde looked at Minx with narrowed eyes. "You've been silent."
The cat woman averted her gaze. "I don't have a problem with it. So don't call me out."
"Annnnnnnnd with that we've established that Leon's welcome to bathe with us, and Minx wants him to be here." Lindy laughed with a malicious smile. She didn't like the cat woman shamelessly encroaching on her territory. "Meeting adjourned!"
All the women reluctantly got out of the hot spring. Many felt they could stay there for hours and still not be satisfied. It was heavenly.
Caitlyn was the first to get dressed; she led Leon's haremites and took her role obsessively.
Leading them from the bathroom, she brought them back to the park, where Leon waited for everyone on his interface. There was something he had to prepare for.
The gods gave Leon options for the slumber party as part of the gift for the Paradise Road Event. Now that he indicated he was holding the slumber party, he got them.
They all left him conflicted, so he reviewed his conversation with the Harem God he got right before the Sanctuary Event, seeking guidance.
—
"Leeeeeeeooooon!
You are GOLD. Literal gold, little brother! I have won enough money from betting on you during this event to pay back a millennium's worth of gambling debts. And guess what? Guess what!? I'm not paying them!
I've avoided debt collectors for millennia, so why would I stop here? Hah! If I paid them now, I'd be poor. Why would I do that when I'm RICH!? Hahaha!
Uggggghhhh. I'm rich enough to afford Zeus' booze and let me tell you—worst decision ever. I could only sleep with eighteen women tonight—one round each—before tapping out.
I haven't known such humiliation for centuries, little brother. But guess what, little brother? I'm RICH! Hahaha!
Anywhoooooo, I just wanted to say you're doing a stellar job. You're faking my virtues, but you're faking them like a champ! A champ, I tell you, a champ!
You should know that It's not believable. Everyone at the God's Association also knows you're pretending, but guess what, little brother? They don't care! No one does, hah!
Everyone's way too entertained! I mean, hearing you say that you're a man of culture is GOLD! Hahaha!
But don't worry. I won't tell anyone you researched cringe-worthy web novels to learn about harem culture while Caitlyn was sleeping to figure out what to say. That's our secret!
So, yeah. Just keep… doing whatever you're doing. I enjoy being RICH! So help me out, and I'll continue to make it rain!
I gotta go. Make sure to lose your virginity to that blonde sooner rather than later. Apocalypse? Trying to survive? Priorities? EXCUSES! There is absolutely NOTHING more important!
The gods are making a sketchy event for you now. So make sure do me proud, little brother.
Your despicably rich and honorably drunk patron,
Alcibiades
Harem God | Contact: [email protected] | Ladies only; debt collectors will be reported for spam.
—
Dearest Harem God,
I'm glad my involuntary participation in the Beast Overclock event has pleased you and made you temporarily rich.
I want to continue making you respectably rich, so I'm writing to you today to learn how to do that.
What are your virtues so I can win this God Trial? I'm forced into it anyway, so I might as well win and make you handsomely rich.
However, I don't know much about harem culture. Please tell me your virtues so I can espouse them shamelessly and make you exceedingly rich.
Sincerely yours,
Leon Traxler, the man who seeks to make you exorbitantly rich.
—
Little brother!
I feel like your message is fate!
Last night was EPIC! However… in a flight of passion, I decided to try my unbreakable luck against God Kaiji. Heh. Haha. Hahaha!
So anyway, I'm broke now and owe sketchy debts you would make your skin crawl, so I appreciate your benevolent bribery.
It's fortuitous that being shameless, unscrupulous, and self-centered is a basic requirement of becoming a god, and I can legally accept your kickback and give you the advice you seek!
If I can earn god status, I assure you, little brother, you can too!
So listen, here's the deal. There are three fundamental requirements of being a harem god.
1. Sleep with that blonde.
2. Sleep with that angry brunette.
3. Sleep with that crazy silent brunette. She's trouble, but it's your obligation as a man to please her if you're capable. So find a way, and make it happen.
Wait, I forgot the most important thing.
0. Make every woman exceedingly happy and satisfied while they're around you. They can hate you later, but they need to enjoy themselves around you!
Technically, there are five.
5. Strong communal relationships.
I'm leaving out the obvious: everything must be consensual, and you must build power, have ambition, be strong in battle, etc.
Remember, a harem without a powerful leader is just dry polygamy.
Wait! Little brother, I'm so shameless. I forgot the extra most important aspect.
-1. Always make decisions for your harem members first, and accomplish your goals second.
That shouldn't be a problem. Make excuses all you want, but you're a softy when potential candidates throw you puppy dog eyes. Hah!
Just make sure you don't love one person while having sex with everyone in sight forever. A harem god must always love his women equally.
So leave that to Kaze's candidates, and don't utter his name around me. That charming pretentious bastard's like a vulture, and I have competition for the first time in millennia. So kick his candidate's asses, yeah?
Listen, little brother. I'm happy to advise you, but I'm kind of in a bind with these sketchy debts and need you to do me a favor.
There's a special event coming your way called Sanctuary. During that event, I want you to avoid contacting me for two weeks; that way, I can show people that your actions are legitimate.
Such bets will be 1000 to one. No, 2000 to one. No, whatever. Rich armor!
If you can do that for me and keep winning events like crazy, I'll file a motion to present you with important information on the nature of this trial.
With that information, you'll have a headstart on winning. I'm sure you want that more than gifts and wealth, yes?
Anyway, let me know if that's okay.
Your detestably desperate patron,
Alcibiades
Harem God | Contact: [email protected] | Ladies only; debt collectors will be reported for spam.
—
Dearest Harem God,
I'm more than willing to do you a favor. I understand the value of favors, so I assure you I'll do everything in my power to make it happen.
Please tell me about this event or give me a strategy to crush God Kaze and make you as outrageously rich as possible.
Sincerely yours,
Leon Traxler, the man that's seeking to make you extravagantly rich.
—
Little brother!
You're terrifying, but I like that! I can't tell you much, but I can say there will be A LOT of women.
Attract as many as possible in the most debaucherous ways possible, constantly choosing the options that make you look like a playboy instead of practical ones.
That's the best way to fake exposing my virtues, yes? I mean, that's what I did my entire life while manipulating people. It's a bit backward, but it's the same concept, yeah?
So when you start the event, don't come out killing all the male competitors so that all the females survive. Get their attention with something flashy instead.
If women survive for no reason, they won't appreciate you, yeah? You must always catch their attention first and let them know that you were the person who saved them.
This is horrible advice, but we're men of selfish culture, right?
Anyway, remember. Always do what's best for your harem members first, but default to flashy actions whenever possible.
Oh, yeah. Women will fear you if you slaughter everyone as a first resort. That's rational, yes? So surely your sociopathic brain will avoid such methods because they're irrational? Hint, hint.
I'd love to chat, but the women in my bed are getting restless. I owe them some love after pleasing me while writing this to you. It's only right, after all.
Your loving and unscrupulous patron,
Alcibiades
Harem God | Contact: [email protected] | Ladies only; debt collectors will be reported for spam.
—
Leon sighed after rereading through the messages from the reigning Harem God.
His advice led him to push past his phobia and use an exceedingly pointless sketchy airlift service for the Sanctuary event instead of having Caitlyn slaughter all the men to keep the women alive.
It also inspired him to hold an Apocalypse Party the first night instead of giving a rational speech on the benefits of establishing a city.
Those two actions earned him three hundred women.
It also influenced his decision not to attack the men before they attacked the women, earning him another two hundred.
As irrational as those actions felt, he started believing in harem culture for its practicality. It was remarkably effective.
So he looked down at the options with a wry smile.
—
Slumber Party Options
-
1. Cuddle Puddle
The women will feel synesthesia from positive emotions and feel more sensitive to touch. As a result, they'll enjoy laying next to each other.
It will be a heavenly bonding experience that will leave relationships stronger and improve cooperation.
-
2. Entertainment Night
The gods will use their power to create the most entertaining set of events possible, including a godly play that everyone will enjoy and remember.
It is legendary entertainment that your "haremites" will never forget.
-
3. Sexy Pillow Fight
A massive bed with a barrier will materialize in your chosen location. The gods will hold three events, each appealing to different types of women.
Each event will yield rewards from the gods, allowing all participants a chance at god gifts of their general desires.
It is also a special event. Thus all women can receive gifts, regardless of their winning.
-
Would you like to make a decision? [Yes/No/Later].
—
Leon closed his eyes. He found the first to have the most value, the second to be the only one agreeable, and the third excessively shameless.
In short, he should choose the third one.
"It's been working like magic so far." Leon sighed while choosing [yes] and then choosing the third option.
——
[A/N: Sleep feels so good. Keep posted. The sexy pillow fight tournament starts later today. ;)]