How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 142: All You Need Is Phil

Chapter 142: All You Need Is Phil

I already have a group of people Im What exactly was I doing with them? ...tooling around with.

Of course, said Phil, taking a card out of the pack throwing it in the air where it vanished, and then reproduced it in his hand as though it had never left. We all end up with people in our lives, somehow. But Ill tell you something, Colin, thats the first time the masters have sent out a worldwide broadcast looking for one person. Everyone knows about it. Everyones talking about The Colin. Nobody mentioned the rest of your team.

He tilted his head as though suggesting his point had been made, which I suppose it had. Only I was stupid enough to put myself on the enemy radar.

No, said Phil. Before you start thinking theyre the lucky ones for keeping their heads down, you wouldnt have been marked out as different if there wasnt something to mark out. You have the abilityyou can choose to use it or you can spread it so thin among all the people youre trying to keep afloat that you all end up drowning. You get me?

What he was saying wasnt wrong, but that didnt mean leaving them behind and teaming up with someone else would be an improvement. Admittedly, the odds were fairly short.

Its your youth that will betray you in the end, said Phil. You think theres going to be time to get things right, to make them better. There never isand thats coming from someone who can actually stop time. He rolled his bug-eyes disconcertingly. Im in my thirties now and its no fun, I can tell you. Everything thinning out. Thinning chances, thinning enthusiasm, thinning hair. He brushed aside a stray strand from his face. Its the hair thatll break your heart. I dont even look like me anymore.

Still, pretty amazing what you can do for an old man. I gripped the levitating spoon in two hands and attempted to shift it from its position in mid-air. I grunted with effort as I tried to drag it towards the bowl. It wouldnt budge even a millimetre. Makes eating soup a bit tricky, but still, kind of an OP power to have.

You might think so, said Phil, but its honestly not all that useful. Try getting up.

I let go of the spoon and pushed my feet against the floor. Normally this would force the chair to scrape back, allowing me space to rise. On this occasion there was no movement. I had pulled the chair in when I sat down to eat and now I was stuck.

We can move around but we cant interact with anything. And nothing can interact with us. The only think its really useful for is running away. In a tight spot? Freeze everything and get as far away as you can.

And you think that isnt OP? Why couldnt I have gotten an ability like that? I tried to swivel my body around so I could slide out from my seat, but something was holding me in place.

Looking down, I saw the dagger Loran had given me. Hed had a small stash of weapons and the blade on this dagger had been the only one with a decent edge on it. I put it in my belt and forgot about it. Now it pinned me in place like an anchor.

When time stops, everything stops, said Phil. It isnt like in a movie where you can pluck things out of the air and move them around. Its all locked down.

Then how can I breathe. Or move. I waved my arms about. Shouldnt the air molecules be fixed in place, too?

Blow on your hand, said Phil.

I raised my hand and blew on it. I couldnt feel the air.

Phil waggled his eyebrows at me. Were outside of time. Because we arent of this universe we can step outside of existence. Or at least, I can, which brings anyone also not of this universe with me. Or perhaps its just people from my own universe. Or something else entirely. He passed the playing cards from one hand to the other in a cascading rainbow.

Half the cards faced the wrong way, showing hearts and diamonds. With a flash, they reversed, showing only spades and clubs. Magic, the kind where a girl in a spangly outfit climbs in a box and hides in a compartment while a douche claims shes disappeared is, I think we can all agree, shit. But sleight of hand that actually takes skill to pull off right under someones nose is truly impressive. And beautiful to watch.

Wait, how are you doing that with the cards? I asked, unable to take my eyes off the burst of activity.

These cards arent of this universe, either. I brought them with me.

From what I could remember, no one had arrived in this world with anything other than the clothes they were wearing. Then again, if clothes could be transported why not other objects? I guess it would depend on what you went to bed with.

My attention shifted to the ace of diamonds hanging in front of me. What about this one?

Yeah, said Phil. I had that one specially made.

On closer inspection, the card didnt have the glossy plastic sheen of the other cards. The design was good, but had been hand-painted.

Its for the effect. Looked cool when I flipped it out of the pack, right? Boo ya! In your face. He grinned and his eyes bulged.

This actually told me a lot about the kind of person Phil wasa showman. Or possibly a showoff. Either way, he was capable of being devious. Magic was about misdirection. If Phil was any good, he was also not to be trusted. Mind you, the same could be said of everyone, including the people in my own group. Especially the people in my own group.

If we arent breathing shouldnt we be dead? I was still having trouble grasping exactly what it meant to be outside of time.

Well, Im not a physicist, but death and time seem to be linked. If you are outside of time, you cant die. Not in the traditional sense. Or perhaps this is death and were ghosts. He shrugged, cards constantly moving between his hand. Ill tell you something interesting. If I go to a body of water right now and trying entering it, Ill walk across the surface like Jesus. But if Im underwater when I stop time, I can walk through it like its mist. But once Im out, I cant get back in. Weird, huh?

Yeah, thats weird. And I thought time travel was a mindfuck.

The important thing is that we dont belong here. I, for one, will be very happy to get the fuck out of Dodge, I can tell you. If you have the same goal, then obviously Im your man. Simple as that.

He spread his arm wide and bowed his head slightly.

What the fuck are you doing, Philip? said a voice from a shadowy corner of the room. A hooded figure lurched out of the dark recess.

Hello, Dave, said Phil brightly. Wondered when you were going to turn up.

Have you lost your mind? shouted David. He pulled back his hood to reveal a furrowed brow and burning eyes. Are you trying to get him to come here? Is that what you want? Because thats what youll get. David was more than a little ticked off, Id say.

Him? I asked.

Daves talking about the Jester.

A shudder went through me. He can find us here?

The Jester lives in the Void, said David, like that explained everything.

Dave likes to name things, said Phil. This place out of time is the Void. Cool name, huh? Thats why he dresses like a ninja, because hes so cool. Phils words were heavily laced with sarcasm, and when I say heavily laced, I mean like the vintage wedding dress of a Jane Austen fan.

When we step out of timewhen Philip forces us out of timewe occupy the same space as the Jester. David peeled his lips back to show gritted teeth. Turn it off.

Dave also has a lot of theories. When someone talks with great certainty about things its impossible to be certain about, it can come across as a bit obnoxious, you know? Especially when it gets your whole party killed.

Phils smile dropped and he glared at David. Then the smile returned and he held out his card, spread into a fan. Pick a card, any card.

David slapped the cards out of Phils hand, sending them spraying over the floor.

Touchy! You know, Dave, its a big universe. Just because were sharing it with a demented demon clown, doesnt mean hell be able to find us.

There arent usually this many of us, retorted David. With so many people out of time, itll be that much easier for him to zero in on us, and we dont want that.

Dave thinks the Jester is drawn to emotions. Another of his theories. Although it does make some sense. Phil leaned his head from side to side like he was weighing the pros and cons. He can always find you when you die, and thats a pretty emotional time; for most of us, anyway. Not for Dave, though. He feels nothing when he passes on. Hes like a zen master. Complete nothingness. Empty vessel, arent you? If you are rightfirst time for everything, after allyou should probably chill out, Dave. The person wholl end up attracting his attention is you. Ironic, huh?

Phil laughed, which only further annoyed David. He took a step back and breathed deeply. Obviously Im right, otherwise I wouldnt be able to avoid him, would I? He sounded calmer, but tense with the effort of controlling himself.

Phil shrugged. That or he just doesnt find you very interesting. He leaned across the table and whispered loudly, Dave has a thing about clowns. They freak him out.

To be fair, I whispered back, the clown in question is pretty creepy.

Oh, youve met Laughing Boy have you?

Yes, I said, and Id rather not meet him again.

Phil nodded understandingly. I can see why you would feel that way, but the thing to remember is that just because he can find you in the Void, doesnt mean he knows where you are physically. Not unless you tell him. So dont tell him.

He cant hurt you in the Void? I asked.

Oh, he can hurt you, said Phil. He can hurt you like a motherfucker, but a little pain wont kill you. A lot of pain wont kill you either. In fact, nothing will kill you here.

An eternity of pain. Great.

Do you think you could return us to the regular plane of existence? I asked politely. Hard to eat my soup when its like this. I tapped the immobile steam. It clinked. I wondered how noise travelled through the air if the air couldnt move. I guessed the answer was: because Void.

Dont worry, said Phil, it wont get cold. He hiked a thumb in Davids direction. I just love seeing him like this. He likes people to think hes rock solid, but when he doesnt have full control of a situation, this is the result. Total meltdown.

Fine, you win, said David. You got me, Im a big fake and a scaredy cat. I admit it. Now, can you turn it off?

Phil seemed to be revelling in Davids discomfort. They obviously had a difficult relationship and a lot of history together. I wanted to get away from both of them before Laughing Boy turned up, but I couldnt get out of my chair.

Shame you werent so willing to accept your flaws when an old man convinced you to save the world. Phil turned to me, shaking his head. Some people are so desperate to play the hero theyll kill everyone to do it.

That wasnt my fault, said David. He didnt sound like he totally believed it himself.

They all died, didnt they? Im pretty sure it wasnt mass suicide.

They didnt all die, I said.

Phil and David stopped their squabbling and turned to me.

What do you mean? said David.

One of the girls survived. I dont know her name. She did end up getting killed later, but not before she had a child with the demon you summoned. Nice guy, actually. The kid, not the demon.

The two of them stared at me. Phils facade of joviality had gone and his big, bulging eyes were filled with anguish; and there was a lot of space to fill.

It would have been better if she had died, said David quietly.

Shut up! Phil screamed at him. You were so ready to lead us to our deaths just so you could be the hero like in some stupid wuxia novel. The hell she must have had to endure

They both looked about ready to burst into tears. If the Jester was drawn to large outpourings of emotions, I could only imagine hed booked himself a plane ticket and was on his way.

Arent you asking me to do the same thing? I asked Phil. Trust someone I dont know.

Absolutely! said Phil, his cheeriness returning. Which is why you shouldnt trust me. Not one bit. Nobody gets the benefit of the doubt.

There was a clatter of footsteps on the stairs as Maurice, Claire and Jenny came running down.

Colin, Maurice shouted, somethings going on. Flossies stuck in her shoes and cant get out.

Flossie had taken a pair of boots from Lorans stash of gear; her own shoes hadnt coped with the sea all that well. It probably wasnt easy to walk in them once they were stuck in time, and impossible to take them off if you couldnt undo the laces. I could only imagine the confused, blubbering mess Flossie was right now.

And everythings stopped mooo Maurice paused as he looked around and noticed how still everything was.

Whats going on? asked Claire.

Are you okay? added Jenny, as an afterthought.

This is Phil, I said. He can stop time. I mean, really stop it.

Oh, said Maurice. I get it. Everythings frozen. How come we can still breathe?

We cant, I said. Ill explain later. Just stay calm. If you get too excited, the Jester will be able to find us, so its important not to get emotional. Understand?

I dont appreciate the way you looked at me when you said that, said Claire.

Claire I said as calmly as I could. The fact youre reacting like this is why I was looking at you.

The only reason Im reacting like this is because of the way you looked at me.

This was clearly going nowhere good.

Fine. Im sorry. Im a dick. Okay?

Claire nodded, although whether she was agreeing to remain calm or that I was a dick, I wasnt sure. Hopefully both.

I turned back to Phil. You said you knew how to get us out of here?

Thats right, said Phil, his mask of merry detachment once again firmly in place. The other thing this ability allows me to do is explore. Even the masters cant see me when Im in the Void.

The Jester isnt one of the masters? I asked.

Phil shrugged. I dont think so. He is something else. He doesnt appear in the real world and the rest of them dont have access to this one. What they do have is a portal in the Palace of Laughter. All we need to do is activate it and we can go anywhere we want. You and me Colin. What do you say?

Wait, youre only taking Colin? asked Claire. Why cant we all go?

Phil let out a long sigh. Its a difficult thing Im proposing. Very tricky. In my experience, limited as that is, the more people you bring along to something like this, the more chance someone will fuck things up for everyone. And, of course, the more people wholl die if it becomes a cock up. Isnt that right, Dave?

David very studiously avoided looking at Phil. If hes planning to go into the Palace, youll be much safer staying out of it. Its where the masters are strongest.

Strongest? exclaimed Phil. What difference does it make how strong you are if you cant move?

David rounded on him. Youll have to come out of the Void if you plan on using the portal. And thats if the Jester doesnt catch you first. Its a stupid plan.

You dont even know what the plan is. You think Id share it with you so your reverse-Midas touch can turn it to shit? I dont think so?

I dont know if I really want to go into the heart of the enemy stronghold, I said, but Im willing to hear you out.

What? said Claire. Youre actually thinking of going with him.

Jenny tried to put a hand on Claires shoulder but she shook it off.

No, hes being a dick again. Were your friends. Were the ones who have stuck by you. But the first stranger who comes along and promises you a good time, youre off!

She made it sound a lot more sordid than it was. It wasnt like I was cheating on them, not sexually, anyway. At least, I hoped that wasnt part of the deal. And exactly how they had stuck by me wasnt entirely clear, either.

Did you stick by him or was he stuck with you? asked Phil. Are you really friends? Or are you just some people thrown together by circumstances. Because thats how people usually end up together, because they happened to be near each other. And when things get difficult, or a better option turns up... Be real, will you? If youre really his friend and he has the chance to get away, wouldnt you want whats best for him.

I do, spat Claire, were whats best for him. Even if he doesnt realise it. Youre just a fucking chancer. He doesnt trust anyone, he definitely wont trust you!

For fucks sake, Claire. I just told you to stay calm five seconds ago, and the first thing you do is start screaming like a harpy. What the fuck is wrong with you? You never fucking listen to me. It isnt rocket science. Chill the fuck out!

I may have got a bit worked up. The stress of the situation may have got to me. Maybe, and I say this on a purely hypothetical level, I should have taken some of my own advice and taken a chill pill.

Typical isnt it? When anyone else acts like a toddler having a tantrum, no repercussions. I lose my rag for one half of one second and, well, never lucky.

Claws scrabbled across the wooden floor. A heavy body slithered closer in haste. It made frantic movements just outside my field of vision.

Something flicked over the surface of my boot and coiled around my ankle. Everything went black.

Oh Colin, a voice hissed in my ear, finally I found you again. How huhuhu nice.