How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 167: Square Peg

Chapter 167: Square Peg

The masters who emerged from the Palace strode into the arena three abreast. No armour, no weapons.

Maurice, sitting on the terrace below me, had his notebook out and was comparing his sketches to the combatants as they entered the arena. They walked in through an archway which was barely high enough to allow them in and the crowd let out a collective nervous murmur.

Each of them was a colossus, twice the size of a regular person. Each had two arms and two legs, but other than that, they were as different from each other as was possible.

The tallest of the three was a shaggy-haired sasquatch-type of creature with spikes for hands. It must have made wiping his arse very tricky, assuming he needed to perform those sorts of bodily functions. According to Maurices notes, he was called Comfort.

Beside him was Unscathed, a robotically block-shaped creature but with smooth, hairless skin rather than metal. He had a squat, powerful body and large, heavy hands with three digits on each. They didnt look like theyd be very good for anything other than punching things. Which, by a lucky coincidence

And the third of the combatants was on another level entirely when it came to weirdness. He had a triangular head with very tightly curled horns. At least they looked like horns at first. He had a thin, long-limbed body and from the look of him you would guess he was the weakest of the three.

Maurice had him down as Dark Melody, which sounded very elegant. The talons on the ends of his spindly fingers had a less genteel effect.

And behind them, head lowered and exuding no confidence whatsoever, was Cheng. He was smaller than the others by some margin but he was still a giant compared to us. Not that youd know it from his anxious slouch.

Cheng! Cheng! You can do it! Mandy screamed to the shock of the crowd. Their focus shifted from the strange giants to the strange bird in the bleachers. Cheng looked up and gave her a small, embarrassed wave.

Which of them is likely to win? I asked Maurice.

Maurice leaned back to talk to me, earning him a disparaging look from Claire. According to 288, Comforts the one to watch. He came second in the last tournament.

Spike-hands was the early favourite, but the other two didnt come across as the type to go down easily. Cheng very much had his work cut out for him.

They spread out to take up positions facing each other at the points of a cross. Then they waited, stretching and limbering up.

Were they waiting for a signal of some kind? They didnt seem to be in a hurry.

The crowd grew a little restless, more from not knowing what was going on than anything.

I leaned across Jenny and bent lower to stick my head between Phil and David. Are you ready? I asked Phil.

Yes. He spoke tersely. He hadnt been the same since wed found his friend and hadnt been very talkative since wed got back. David turned to give me a slight nod.

As much as I hated always having to do everything myself, it was just as difficult having to rely on others. Especially when it was this bunch of no-hopers.

I say, said Dudley, these are very good seats, arent they? Impressive view of the whole shebang. Best seats in the house, Id wager. He stretched his neck and looked around. I dont suppose theres a concession stand about, is there?

Ooh, said Flossie. Ahd like a sausage on a stick.

Typical. Death surrounded us and all they could think about were snacks. I didnt want to even consider what might be in the hotdogs.

Jenny slipped her arm through mine. It wont be so bad.

I know. I nodded vaguely. Cant be much worse than the hotdogs back home.

She shook my arm to get my attentions. I meant the tournament. Are you alright?

Mm? Oh, yeah. Im fine.

The problem with having an intimate relationship with a girl is that she ends up knowing you intimately.

No, youre not. You think were going to lose. No one is up for it. Chengs scared. Phils distracted. And 288 knows what were planning to do and may have already told on us. You dont believe this is going to work for a second.

She wasnt angry, or even worked up. She was stating facts in a calm and reasonable manner.

Yep, I said, that pretty much sums it up.

Youre probably right, she said, but acting like you have no belief will only make sure you fulfil your own prophecy.

What am I supposed to do? Just because Im the leader doesnt mean its my job to make sure everyone does their jobs properly.

Jenny put her head on my shoulder and kissed the side of my face just below my ear. Yeah, it kinda does. Telling people what to do is the easy part. Getting them to do it properly is what separates the good leaders from the bad ones.

Maybe Im one of the bad ones, then.

No, you just have a different approach. Youre at your best when youre shitting yourself. You need to be pushed right to your limit before inspiration tells you what you need to do. Complete and utter despair is like your spinach. Thats why Im so good for you. I can always get you there. She began nibbling on my ear.

Is that really what a good girlfriend is? So terrifying youre always on the verge of a nervous breakdown? I pushed her away. Eventually. Id rather have less terror and a demotion. Someone else can be in charge.

Jenny didnt respond. When I turned to see why, she was staring up at the sky. I followed her gaze. Nothing but white.

What?

I saw something move, she said.

I scanned the sky but saw nothing, but that didnt mean she hadnt seen something. There were giant flying fish up there, as I knew. I wondered how they fit into the whole death of the planet scenario. Were they going to be consumed by the masters, too? Why hadnt they already? And what about the kraken in the ocean? There were quite a few of them and they seemed to be doing fine.

Why hadnt the masters used them for nourishment? Did they not eat fish?

While I pondered these questions, a gong sounded from the direction of the Palace. It was loud enough to silence the crowd; some of them even put their hands over their ears.

Doors opened on the top floor of the Palace and the other masters emerged onto a balcony. As I took in this sight there was movement below me. The fight had begun.

Unscathed (robot guy) and Dark Melody (curly horns) charged towards each other. Cheng and Comfort waited. I assumed this was how the fight worked, taking it in turns to attack.

A tremendous noise broke out from the crowd as they clapped and cheered. It was a predominantly female crowd, so the sound was high-pitched and grating.

You might think women would have a distaste for violent sport, but you would be mistaken. Women on Planet Earth, sure. They are, generally speaking, less likely to experience the bloodlust that accompanies gladiatorial combat, but even that is a particular kind of refined woman. And by refined, I mean artificially affected.

Women are as likely to be roused from behind their mask of civility as anyone. And the lower down the social ladder you go, the quicker the mask will fall. Am I saying poor people are more vulgar than the rich? No, Im saying theyre not so worried about showing it.

Then again, there are some people, both male and female, who find any kind of physical violence unwatchable. Not because they have higher morals or are more civilised, but because theyre squeamish.

Flossie had her face buried in Dudleys chest and refused to budge, not that I think he minded.

Unscathed ran with his arms stretched out in front, eager to get a hold of his opponent.

Dark Melody seemed just as eager to give Unscathed something to hold. He ran straight towards the incoming arms.

As Unscathed was almost upon him, Dark Melody leapt high into the air. His horns unfurled to reveal wings attached to his head and flew over the grasping hands trying to snag him out of the air.

Unscathed dug his tombstone feet into the ground and snorted in irritation before turning his head at the laughing shout from behind him to where Dark Melody had landed.

But before the bulky robotic body could manoeuvre himself to face the other direction, Dark Melody had jumped again, this time onto Unscatheds back. He bucked and tried to reach behind, but his stocky, square limbs were not suited to such nimble movements.

Thin arms were wrapped around Unscatheds neck, which was the same width as his head. He snorted and bellowed; veins stood out on his square head and his eyes bulged grossly, making him look more human. A human pumped full of helium and about to explode.

Failing to dislodge his attacker, Unscathed threw himself backwards, attempting to crush Dark Melody. But he wasnt quick enough. His crash into the ground only damaged himself. Dark Melody had jumped clear, somersaulted and snapped his wings open to land gently on his feet.

Wings, from what Ive seen, are usually attached to the back or sometimes as extra skin underarm. I dont think Ive ever seen them sprouting from the ears. Mind you, I have seen helmets with winged insignia, so the idea isnt totally without precedence. It still looked ridiculous in action.

Unscathed rolled over and got back on his feet in a fluid motion that belied his size. He stampeded towards his opponent, who again came to meet the charge head on, and again leapt at the last moment.

But Unscathed was ready for him this time. He leapt too, and although he didnt reach anywhere near the same height, it was far enough to grab a foot.

Unscathed stuck the landing, both feet planted into the ground with enough force to send a tremor through our stone seating. He brought Dark Melody back to earth with a bang, slamming him into the turf face first.

The crowd moaned, but whether it was out of pity or bloodlust, I dont know.

Then he lifted him and brought him back down again. Three times without resistance was enough to reduce Dark Melodys face to mush. There was no blood, just a gradual deterioration until the flailing arms went limp.

The crowd had fallen silent as this battering continued.

Unscathed stopped. He was breathing hard which at least indicated he wasnt a machine. He picked up Dark Melody and set him on his feet. He was like a rag doll, unable to stay upright without help. Unscathed shook him and the large eyes, completely black, opened.

A line opened across Dark Melodys mangled face, which turned out to be his mouth. A laugh came out of it and he slapped Unscathed on his shoulder. It was a feeble slap but he seemed to be okay otherwise.

Unscathed released and Dark Melody unsteadily walked out of the arena. There was applause but now that they had seen how brutal an encounter it had been, an air of uncertainty had settled over the crowd.

Triumphantly Unscathed returned to his previous position on the other side of the arena and stood with his arms folded across his chest.

Chengs turn. His opponent was taller, had a bigger reach and had spikes for hands. Nothing comfy about them. He didnt have wings, unless there were hidden. They might be rolled up inside his butt for all I knew.

Cheng stretched out his own wings, glanced over to where we were sitting, and moved towards the centre of the ring. Comfort did likewise. When they reached the middle, Comfort lunged forward, arms aimed at Chengs waist.

He froze in mid-air. Cheng beat his wings and jumped over the extended arms and came down on the elongated back.

Time resumed and Comfort grabbed at nothing. Chengs feet drove into Comforts spine, sending him jack-knifing into the ground like he was about to be snapped in two.

The crowd gasped at what, to them, must have appeared to be explosive swiftness.

Chengs knees followed his feet into Comforts back. My eyes flicked across to watch Phil snap his fingers to a beat of Chengs four fists wailing on the back of Comforts head. Unable to move, Comfort could do nothing to avoid being perma-stunned as each blow landed with maximum force on an exposed and vulnerable target.

It looked like the number two seed was going to go out of the competition in record time. Which would have been great if the fight had been just between the two of them. But it wasnt.

Unscathed entered the fray without warning and grabbed Cheng from behind, wrapping him in a bear hug which pinned Chengs arms to his side. Lifted up, his legs were the only part free to move. His wings and all four arms were tightly bound.

The rules of engagement were flexible, apparently.

The arms around him tightened. Chengs body squeezed in the middle and ballooned on top. Even if Phil stopped time, Cheng was already caught. Freezing Unscathed in that position would change nothing. If he could get free, but he would have to do it on his own. And quickly. Comfort had got back to his feet and he didnt look happy.