How to Avoid Death on a Daily Basis

Chapter 221: Beat the Retreat

Chapter 221: Beat the Retreat

People have a strange reaction to gratitude. They resent it. Having to admit to others and to yourself that you owe someone, that without them, you would have failed, is wounding to the ego.

You say thank you, you acknowledge the debt, but if the person makes too big a deal about their role and, by implication, your lack of contribution, it starts to get annoying.  Yes, youre great, now dont mention it again.

Winston Churchill is a good example of this. He saved Britain, both as a war leader and as a role model. He set the tone for how we should treat the Nazis, and that attitude of utter superiority completely undermined the German attempt at world domination.

Er, verent ve supposed to be ze master race?

Sorry, Fritz, maybe next time (and with the Germans, theres always a next time).

Churchill led us to victory and a grateful nation thanked him by voting him out of office. Because no one likes a show-off.

Once the dangers passed, once it looks like the way ahead is clear, everyone and their mother thinks they know whats best. Welcome to my world.

An ogre was crying. I mean, really sobbing, snot streams gushing from cavernous nostrils and wailing like a banshee. I dont actually know what a banshee wail sounds like, but I had no doubt this world would show me at some point.

The ogre was Dudleys fiance and she had been told her prospective was already taken. They had returned Dudleys clothes to him and he was getting dressed while the ogre clung to her Magi mother, pointing at Dudley like a kid in the sweets aisle of a supermarket.

You want us to attack Requbar? said Claire, making it clear she didnt approve. Like that would affect my decision.

Yes. We have an armyactually, we have their army, so they dont even have anyone to stop us.

I had healed Biadets head, which Laney had smashed in from behind, and Jenny was tying her up before she came round and killed us all. They were quite the pair, the mad princess and the stone cold ninja. If they went at it for reals, my money would be on a plane ticket the fuck out of there.

Laney herself was pacing around with a large grin on her face, looking at Biadet from different angles. I think she was planning a painting of her standing over Biadet with one foot on her chest, like a big game hunter.

They have the Queens Guard, said Jenny. She hadnt come out and disagreed with me directly, but I could tell she wasnt so keen on my idea, either.

Yes, I said, but we have the eunuchs, the ogres, the trolls, a dragon, and a couple of Visitors, if theyre willing. Seems like we have the advantage.

We also have the chance to get as far away from here as possible, said Claire. Shed  learned from the best. Or the worst, depending on how you viewed me. This isnt like you.

She was right. I dont usually head towards trouble, even with an advantage. Simply winning to show you can is for tossers who get off on that sort of thing. Hooray, Im at the top of the leaderboard. Well done. Now what?

But this was a tactical strike. The Queen of Requbar possessed a way to enter the spires and probably a lot more information besides. Uncle Peter was going to be a problem wherever we went. He had plans for this world and since I was stuck here, ignoring him was rapidly becoming a non-option. This could be my best chance of dealing with him. It could also be the last chance, for all of us.

How do you know the eunuchs will even follow your orders? said Claire, using the classic debate technique of changing the subject when your first attempt is shown to be horseshit.

Weve got the magic stick and weve got Jenny. Shes still their leader, technically. Plus, theyve got no balls. Theyll do what theyre told.

The eunuchs stood around, sad and lost. They watched as their female overlords were stripped of their armour and put into a hole dug by the trolls, who had reverted to their troll forms. Giant rock monsters and ogres surrounded the eunuchs and they recognised it was safest to stay close to us. At least we were human. Although I didnt find watching dead women being dumped into a mass grave particularly upsetting, so how human I was at this point was hard to say.

There were a lot more eunuchs nearby and controlling them probably wouldnt be that easy now that the female soldiers were all dead. They were the only ones who knew how to operate the controlling stick. Maurice had it now and was trying to figure it out, but wed never encountered a device like it before.

Claire was glaring at me, searching for a way to prove me wrong. She probably would have found one if I gave her time. So I didnt.

You know, I said, wiping my bloody hands on the grass, I couldnt understand why theyd have an army of eunuchs. They make shit soldiers. Smaller, weaker, less aggressive. But it does kind of make sense. Weaker but easier to control is better than super strong and a mind of their own. Some women feel better about themselves if the men around them are less assertive.

I could see Claire about to explode, which was better than her coming up with a rational reason why going to war was a bad idea. And it wasnt like what I said was untrue. Advertisers have been trading off the idea for years, the dumb husband and the savvy wife. Not savvy enough to not marry a dumb husband, mind you.

Its because Requbar is a matriarchal society, isnt it? said Claire. You cant stand the idea of women running a city.

A desperate ploy. I have many questionable views on women, but seeing them in charge isnt a problem for me. I mean, theyre shit at it, but so are men.

Thats got nothing to do with it. I dont even think the Queen is a woman. Everything so far points to her being a man. Surrounding yourself with brainwashed bimbos that do your every whim, not letting other men anywhere near. Its all classic male behaviour.

Claire closed in for the kill. And I suppose no ones noticed because women are just that stupid.

She had me there. Damned if I agreed, damned if I didnt.

I think no ones noticed because he uses magic. But it doesnt work on Visitors for some reason, so we should be okay.

Then how come Jenny got put under a spell? asked Flossie. They were getting emboldened by Claires relentless jabs.

To be honest though, it was a fair question. I dont know. Might be something to do with whatever makes that stick work. I pointed at Maurice.

He looked up from examining the stick. Cant see any buttons. We really need to try it out. He turned to the eunuchs. Any volunteers?

The eunuchs shrugged and didnt seem too bothered. Beta males for you.

Jenny, who knew me well enough to not bother using logic against me, tried the road less travelled. Do you really want to make the ogres fight for you?

The ogres were sitting on their haunches, goofy looks on their faces, with bunnies running around them. Other than Dudleys ex, who was still bawling, they looked very happy.

You say that like the options are go to war or have jelly and ice cream. Theres going to be death and destruction regardless. Uncle Peter isnt going to let the monsters have free run of the place. And the monsters arent going to back off and go home. They dont have one, for a start. Im not saying my way is the best, but its probably going to be safer than charging into Fengarad. We just need to get to the Queen and get out again, end of.

You dont wish to hold the city? asked Keezy. He had been listening to us bicker but hadnt said anything until now. You could be king.

I shuddered at the thought. Running a city isnt my idea of a good time. If youd ever been in London during rush hour youd understand. I dont give a shit about ruling the people, and I certainly dont want to stay in one place for too long. Nice, big juicy target for the guy with the supergun.

This is your wish, too? Raviva, now a six-foot blonde, asked Flossie.

She looked from Claires disapproving scowl all the way round to Dudley. Shed promised me her obedience if I returned him to her, and here he was.

Yes, said Flossie, quietly. I suppose so. Not a ringing endorsement, but close enough.

Wait! said Laney. I havent given my approval of this plan. Fengarad is where the battle will be. How will going to Requbar help? It will not. As ranking officer here, I command you to

How are you ranking officer? I asked, not really bothered by her attempt at a coup, just curious how she was going to sell herself as the new leader.

Im a princess! she said, like it was obvious. She walked towards me in what I would call a waddle, although I think she was trying to do sexy-slinky. Hard to pull off when you dont have hips to speak of. And you can be my prince, if you do as I say.

Her path was cut off by Jenny. He isnt interested, Princess, she said in a voice Batman would have been proud of. It would have been nice if shed asked me first, but apparently Id been taken off the shelf. I didnt mind. It was nice to have the old Jenny back.

Laney stopped and considered her options. On the one hand, she didnt want to take on Jenny. On the other she was barking mad.

Little lady, said Gabor, I think you will find the road to Fengarad will be quicker if we follow this one. He pointed a gloved finger at me. I still couldnt work out what weapons he had; nothing visible.

Really? said Laney. Are you sure?

I couldnt blame her for not believing him. I was surprised by his statement, too.

I work it out here. He tapped his head. Of all the possibilities, this one has best chance of success.

This seemed to mollify Laney. Whatever Gabors ability was, she appeared to trust it.

Very well, I grant my permission.

I hadn't asked, but fair enough. Thanks. Okay, lets get back to the dragon.

Ah, um, said Dudley. That is

We just need a sec, said Flossie.

Theres a cave over there, I said, pointing. Hurry up. No point making them wait, it would only make the dragon nervous. I turned to Gabor. Is my plan really our best chance?

Not even close. But it is the most interesting and it is hard to find good entertainment in this world.

They dont even have Blockbuster Video, said Roland. Poor guy, if only he knew.

Claire still looked pissed off. I wish I could read your mind, see what youre really up to.

I doubt that would help. Just back me up.

Dont we always?

To be fair, they did. But that could always change.

Theres a story that in 1940 Churchill was told that a message had been intercepted and decoded revealing a bombing raid on Coventry. But taking action to save people would let the Germans know their code had been broken, so Coventry was allowed to be hit without warning. 

People say it never happened. An apocryphal story that shows the difficulty of leading in wartime. But if it did happen and the public were told, would they appreciate the cruel position hed have been in? They voted him out when they thought he was an unblemished hero, how would they have reacted to learning his hat was less than white?

I think the answer is obvious. Gratitude and understanding from an intellectual place, but something else from the heart, I would guess. Fear. If a man is capable of doing something like that, what else is he capable of? Who else is he prepared to sacrifice? Me?

Even a good leader struggles to make the right choice, and sometimes has to make the wrong one. And Ive never claimed to be good.

I have a question, said Jenny.

Yes? 

Wheres Biadet?

I looked down. The girl who had been bound and trussed on the floor was gone.