I Don't Like The World, I Only Like You

Chapter 15: Stop and Smell The Roses Part 9-16

Chapter 15: Stop and Smell The Roses Part 9-16

009

Every single time we return to our parents’ home for Chinese New Year, the entire family would engage in a common recreational activity – mocking and laughing at me for failing to understand how to play Mahjong. In their eyes, my inability to play Mahjong is highly embarrassing and shameful.

Every Chinese New Year, the Mahjong table would be set up the moment the family has finished eating their meals, and four people would flock to the table and seat themselves down. Conversely, I’d be left to sit at the sofa by myself, and would have to shoulder the responsibility of entertaining the children. That was how my friendship with Little Nephew was built – when all the adults were busy playing Mahjong, I was the only one who remained by his side.

Little Nephew asked me, “Why don’t you play Mahjong with them?”

I replied, “It’s because I want to accompany you. Otherwise, you’d be extremely bored.”

A certain fellow who was sitting beside me mercilessly exposed me, “It’s because she’s stupid.”

Me: “…… I just can’t be bothered to learn.”

A certain fellow: “If you’re not stupid, your learning ability must be extremely poor.”

Me: “……”

Mr. F’s Mother: “Don’t bother about him. Come and play after we finish this round.”

A certain fellow protested instantly, “No way. If she joins us, there’s no way I’d be able to recoup her losses regardless of how many games I win.”

Me: “……”

010

We attended Jonathan Lee’s concert together. The concert was titled Since We’re Unable to Stop Our Youth From Fading Away. Ah, what a sorrowful title.

At the concert, Old Jonathan cracked a couple of jokes, “Everyone, sing along with me. Although…… the person whom you first heard this song with is no longer the same person who’s currently at your side.” The entire audience erupted into laughter.

On the way home, I asked Mr. F which of Mr Lee’s songs did he like best. After giving it some thought, he replied, “I Really Do Love You. When I was in England studying, I never mustered enough courage to listen to this song.”

Instantly, my imagination went into overdrive. I pictured a young Mr. F all alone in a foreign land, and when it was deep in the night, he would turn on the music and the song lyrics would flow out.

Ever since I met you, I suffered for love

I couldn’t avoid it no matter how hard I tried

You became the most beautiful miracle in my life

I think I really do love you

Upon listening to these lyrics, tears would start flowing out of the youthful Mr. F’s eyes.

Having conjured up the above scenario, my heart started to ache for Mr. F.

“Does the song express your heartfelt thoughts?”

“Yup.”

“You must really hope that I would sing this song to you, right?”

“No.”

“Ah?”

“When I listen to this song, I simply think about the various ways in which I can force you to sing this song to me.”

“……”

My dear friend, couldn’t you just continue the scene like how normal people would? It’s very difficult for me to continue acting when you wilfully change the script at your own pleasure.

011

My company organized a recreational trip to Thailand. Since Mr. F was coincidentally on break for one week, he grabbed his luggage and toddled to Thailand with me.

This fellow was an extremely boring person – no matter which country we went, he neither visited the tourist attractions nor took any photographs, and his activities were all conducted within 100km from the location of the hotel. The moment he sat down at a café, an entire afternoon would be gone before I knew it. When I asked him to go for an elephant ride, he refused on the grounds that it was dirty. When I brought him to look at the temples, he would say that he was non-religious. When I asked him what he would like to eat, he would think about it extremely seriously before replying, “I want to eat water cooked meat slices [1]……” Ah, I truly had enough of him.

However, since he followed me all the way to Thailand, I simply couldn’t bear to leave him behind at the hotel. As a result, I cancelled all my schedules. When he woke up the next morning and saw that I was still in the hotel room, he asked, “Where are you going today?”

I replied, “I’m not going anywhere, I’ll accompany you.”

His face lit up with joy, and he brought me to the café below for some coffee.

When my colleagues returned after spending the entire day outside, they found us sitting at the café face to face. He was reading the newspaper whilst I was rushing my drafts. My colleague shook her head and said, “You two must be the most boring couple in history.”

Nonsense! I’m clearly an extremely fun person! It’s all his fault!

[1] Water cooked meat slices is a Chinese dish that originated from the Sichuan province. Joey’s exasperated because Mr. F isn’t adventurous enough to try Thai food although he is in Thailand.

012

I have discovered that Mr. F’s intellect varies in accordance with his mood; when he’s in a good mood, his intellect would drastically decrease to become that of an infant’s.

Whenever he heads out with me, his mood would be terribly good – thus, he would transform from Mr. F to Little Friend F. Last night, Little Friend F experienced a Thai massage at the hotel, and was extremely relaxed from head to toe. The moment he returned to our hotel room, he grabbed my hand and insisted, “Go and learn from the Thai masseuses, then you’d be able to give me a massage every night after I return from work.”

Grinning from ear to ear, I replied, “Sure! I’ll quit my job straightaway, and report to work at the hotel tomorrow. As training, I’ll massage 100 other people first.”

Instantly, he flew into a rage, “No way! How could you offer massage services for other people!”

Me: “But aren’t you the one who wanted me to learn from others?”

Peeved, he thought over the idea for some time before sighing regretfully, “I guess we’ll have to scrape the idea then, so you don’t have to learn anymore……”

Satisfied, I smiled and turned off the lights in preparation for sleep. After a while, I suddenly said, “I think I ought to treat you better.”

He asked, “Why?”

Me: “It is everybody’s duty to care for people with mental disabilities.”

013

Hanging out with Mr. F has one great advantage – there’s absolutely no need to use maps, as this fellow’s brain has an internal GPRS system. Thus, it doesn’t matter where we go, as this fellow would always manage to accurately find a way back to the hotel.

One day, when I was accompanying my colleague to a night market, both of us somehow managed to lose our way, and were reduced to staring at each other helplessly. I whipped out my phone, “I’m going to ask my guide dog.”

My colleague was extremely surprised, “You brought your guide dog out?”

I nodded my head, and sent Mr. F a message. Within two seconds, Mr. F’s voice message rang out, “You lost your way again?”

My colleague doubled over in laughter. From that moment on, my colleague’s shining and amazing impression of Mr. F was entirely destroyed. Our daily conversation gradually morphed into the following manner:

Her: “Why didn’t you bring Mr. F out for a walk?”

Me: “He’s sprawling at the café.”

Her: “You must remember to take him out frequently for walks.”

Me: “No worries. I even bought a Frisbee recently so as to enable him to play by himself.”

…… At present, a certain fellow is still kept in the dark. If this fellow were to find out, I think he’d murder me without hesitation.

014

Since I was in Thailand, my colleagues and I decided to watch a gay performance. When I asked Mr. F whether he wanted to join us, Mr. F shook his head, “I have no interest in males.”

I raised my eyebrow at him, “Oh? So you’re interested in females? I suppose you must have taken the opportunity to admire other females whenever I’m not around.”

He replied coolly without flinching, “I’m only interested in admiring my woman. Come home early.”

Ah, this fellow’s reaction time is way too short – I can never ever defeat him in verbal battles.

When I was in a restaurant having a meal, I spotted an extremely beautiful lady. As such, I whipped out my mobile phone and secretly snapped a photo of the lady. I sent the photo to Mr. F with the captions “Look at the great beauty!”

Mr. F replied, “The one who’s snapping the photo is even more beautiful.”

I stared at the screen of my mobile phone, a silly smile etched on my face. On noticing my strange reaction, my colleague sneaked a peek at my screen, and proceeded to whack me violently without a moment’s hesitation. “I can’t believe you said that Mr. F never ever engages in sweet-talk! He’s clearly an expert amongst the experts!”

015

Mr. F always has various odd things which he continuously persists in. For instance, whenever Mr. F catches a cold, he would staunchly refuse to take any medication as he sincerely believes that he’d get better simply by drinking more water and exercising more.

“You have been sneezing for the past week! Would you just hurry and eat your medicine?”

“I won’t eat any medication, I’d definitely get better.” He replied calmly whilst wearing a face mask.

Another week had passed. Mr. F’s still sneezing continuously.

“I’m going to drag you to the hospital if you’re still going to refuse to take your medication.”

“There’s no need to bring me to the hospital, I’d definitely get better.”

Another week had passed. Mr. F still obstinately refuses to take his medication.

When I asked him why he refused to take his medication, he replied, “My Grandmother is a doctor.”

“So?”

“Ever since I was young, she always told me that all medicines had side effects. The human body has a natural immunity system – thus, one would definitely get better so long as one drinks more water and exercises regularly.”

My palm instantly connected with his face, “Did your Grandmother also tell you, that if you don’t listen to your wife you’re going to die a horrible death?!”

016

I awoke on Saturday as a result of my hunger pangs. I recalled that I had some cheese left in the fridge, and asked Mr. F whether he wanted some. Mr. F nodded his head in response.

I asked Mr. F to get the cheese for us, but the lazy bum refused to move, instead suggesting a round of ‘rock paper scissors’ in an attempt to offload the task. I lost the game, but I too, didn’t want to get out of bed as well. In the end, the two of us lazed round for ten minutes before finally deciding to simply endure the hunger and return to sleep.

Mr. F let out a long sigh, “I suppose it’s time to give birth to a child whom we can order around……”

A crow flew over my head as my hyperactive imagination went into overdrive, and I started picturing a scene in the future when my child asks me innocently, “Mummy, why did you and daddy give birth to me?”

Answer: Because Mummy and Daddy are too lazy, and we need someone to do the household chores.