I Fell For My Nemesis

Chapter 137 - What Do You Want?

Joss's expression went blank for a moment. Then came the flash of panic. The wheels turning in her head as she tried to figure out what to do. Resignation. 

"I don't see the point in denying it. I WAS Frostine. My hero career is over because of my knee. Isn't that stupid? Nearly ten years of villain fights and I had to get taken down by being thrown into a wall of all things."

Keith hadn't expected her to admit to it so easily but he supposed he should have. She was a straightforward person. It was amazing she hadn't brought up the issue earlier knowing what she was like. 

"You were thrown into a wall?"

"Yeah. Shattered my knee on impact because it hit a corner. And now I'm probably never going to have full use of my left leg again. For such a stupid reason," Joss said bitterly. 

"Joss, that's not your fault—" he began but she rode right over him. 

"Oh? It isn't my fault for being distracted and not having my heart in what I was doing? I made a stupid mistake and it cost me everything. My hero career, my leg, and probably you too. My injury is how you figured out who I was, right?"

Keith didn't know what she was getting at. "What do you mean probably me?"

"Aren't you upset at me? I figured out your secret identity months ago by accident. I suppose it's my curse that this has happened to me with three different people now." 

Real anguish was on Joss's face. She looked like the world had been pulled out from under her. No wonder she hadn't said anything all this time. She had been genuinely worried about his reaction. 

"I'm not upset at YOU," Keith said honestly. "The situation is stressful, I'll admit, but I'm not mad at you or anything. Mostly I feel like an idiot for not realizing sooner and embarrassed and confused because you have to have figured out that I like you but you're still treating me normally and I don't know what that means."

"You're not an idiot. I only managed to put it together because I had almost exactly the same conversation with both of your identities a few days apart. The coincidences stacked up after that because I knew what to look for.

"I knew you would be embarrassed. That's why I didn't want to say anything even though I knew I should. I didn't want to keep this a secret from you once we started spending more time together. 

"I understand being confused too…but it's you, Keith. You're the friend I talked about as Frostine. I can't afford to lose you either so I stupidly did what I thought was best at the time to not upset the balance," Joss sighed. 

Keith still didn't know what that meant. Did she like him romantically or not? Was she afraid to try like he was or did she not have those feelings in the first place?

"What do you think is best now?" he blurted. 

She looked up at him with serious gray eyes he had seen a thousand times both in and out of the mask and wondered how he ever could have missed it. No one else had such deep eyes that saw through everything. 

"Whatever keeps you with me. I've never liked anyone before because I've seen too much of what can happen when that goes wrong but I can't deny that you're the most important person in the world to me. I care about what happens to you and want you to see how good you are and am happiest when you're around. 

"Is that what happens when you like someone? Honestly, I'm terrified because I don't even know how to be a good friend. No one has ever wanted me around until I met you. I was the outcast. The invisible girl. The ice queen. 

"I don't even know who I am so how am I supposed to know what I want or what I'm feeling? Everybody always thinks I don't have emotions but they're buried so deeply because it's what I had to do to survive. Stay quiet and accept things as they are no matter what. 

"I didn't know how to want things until I wanted to do them with you. I've spent most of my life trying to keep busy and make a difference for unfortunate people like me but that isn't always fulfilling. It's simply something to do so I don't go insane. 

"Why would you want to be with someone like that? Especially now that I need so much help physically and will for months at minimum. I'm not worth it and I was afraid you would see that sooner or later."

So Keith was right. She didn't know who she was and it WAS the result of a survival tactic. 

He crossed the room and knelt down to hug her tightly as she sat in her chair. "I don't care about that, Joss. You're worth it to me. So what if you're still trying to figure things out?  So am I! There's nothing wrong with that." 

"Everyone else thinks there is," Joss said sadly. 

"Since when do you care what everyone else thinks? Aren't you the one who told me seeking external validation leaves you feeling empty?"

"You know, therapists are the biggest hypocrites there are. Sometimes we can't take our own advice."

Keith had wondered that before but hearing her say it made him want to laugh even during this rather emotionally charged conversation. He had to hold it in though. Now was not the time for that. 

"I don't care what you think about yourself," he said fiercely. "Because I think you're amazing. There are so many things I've admired about you both as Frostine and Jocelyn Normandy and you thinking badly of yourself won't change that."

Her muffled voice spoke up from where her face was pressed into his shoulder. "I think you're amazing too."

Keith instinctively wanted to deny it but recalled something she said as Frostine. "Am I really the light of your life? You said that before."

"Yes. I didn't have anything to laugh about or look forward to before you came along. Why else would I bother eating at the same restaurant for months on end? I needed some of your vitality to get me through the day once I found it."

Right. What she said about goofballs being her favorite kind of people. She truly did need him; crazy as that was. No one else had ever needed him before. Maybe no one else would ever need him again. But Joss did. She saw him exactly as he was and still needed him. 

"You aren't dull," Keith said, referencing that conversation. "You're brilliant and have the most interesting way of seeing the world. You always keep me on my toes and that's a good thing."

"See? We think the best of each other, like I said before. I don't want to mess with that. I don't think you do either," Joss replied. 

He was fairly certain he knew what she was getting at. "You just want to stay friends?"

"I think that's the safer thing to do but I'm not sure if that's what I want. I've always played it safe and kept myself at a distance to avoid getting hurt again. I think you have too. Trying to do anything else would be a huge risk for both of us.

"I have seen a lot of relationships fail and the terrible aftermath people suffer but I also know that it is possible for them to work if open communication is kept and people are willing to put in effort to maintain them. I'm willing to do that even if I do a terrible job at first. Are you?

"My fear is that you won't be because you'll see that I'm really not that great and think the effort isn't worth it. You're the only person who has ever truly cared about me so the very thought of that happening is excruciating. 

"What do you want, Keith? Are you willing to venture into the unknown together or would you rather stay where it's more comfortable? I honestly don't know what I want other than continuing to see you and get to know you better," Joss finished in the most vulnerable tone he had ever heard from her. 

What did Keith want? It wasn't a question he got often if at all. 

He pulled back from the hug and looked into her beautiful, unsure face. There was only one thing he wanted right now and he couldn't help but say it out loud. 

"I want to kiss you. Can I?"

Joss's eyes widened and she blushed adorably before nodding. Keith gently brushed some of her hair out of her face before leaning forward.. He had never done this before and wasn't quite sure what he was doing so he did little more than a peck.