I’m an Infinite Regressor, But I’ve Got Stories to Tell

Chapter 35

The Taxpayer II

"Ah! It's you, Undertaker! I’ve heard about you everywhere. Sorry I didn't recognize you sooner."

After introducing ourselves, Lee Ju-ho's wariness melted away like frost under the spring sun.

That's why it's important to spread goodwill and have a positive reputation. When people you meet already have a +20% affinity buff towards you, why wouldn't you try to build rapport?

"Oh, there's no need to apologize. It's just fame. I should be grateful you think so highly of me."

"Hahaha. Our guild was small, so during the Ten Legs Hunt, we were practically in the third line. We only caught glimpses of you from afar. If it's not too much trouble, could you sign this for me?"

"Oh, I'm not a celebrity. I'm embarrassed."

Despite my words, I took out a brush pen and clicked the cap open with a pop. Like Dang Seo-rin, I often receive autograph requests, so I carry a brush pen with me.

With a flourish, I scrawled "Undertaker" in calligraphy.

The strokes contained the experience of a regressor's life. I could see Lee Ju-ho's eyes widen as he marveled at my signature.

"Whoa, your handwriting is... truly superb."

"Thanks. I studied calligraphy like mad just to see that reaction."

"What? Oh, hahaha."

An experienced regressor knows to break the ice based on a person's personality type.

If I put my mind to it, there weren't many people I couldn't befriend in Korea (Noh Do-hwa, who viewed the world with distrust, hatred, malice, and contempt, being a rare exception).

Within five minutes, Lee Ju-ho and I had formed a rapport.

"So, you came all the way here after seeing my post on SG Net?"

"Exactly."

"Wow, this is so embarrassing..."

As expected, the "Anonymous" user who wrote that post was Lee Ju-ho.

Back in the 50th cycle, when his father had been humiliated by Sim Ah-ryeon, Lee Ju-ho used the nickname "iJoinedToday" on SG Net.

In his first post, he'd written:

-Usually, I post anonymously, but I signed up just to write this.

Meaning, in cycles where Sim Ah-ryeon hadn't humiliated his father, Lee Ju-ho remained active as "Anonymous."

"What's there to be embarrassed about? We're uncovering a newly emerged anomaly. If it's okay with you, I'd like to help."

"Of course! With you by my side, we'd be unstoppable!"

Our pleasant atmosphere lasted only until we reached the uphill path where the Pocheon Tax Office towered.

"Hmm."

"Uh..."

I let out a dissatisfied "hmm," while Lee Ju-ho made a perplexed "uh."

To reiterate, the tax office stood tall.

As if the apocalypse had never happened, it was pristine.

[Thank you for your honest tax payments - Pocheon Tax Office]

[May is the period for filing and paying comprehensive income tax. Reporting Period: May 1 - May 31]

[Honest Tax Payments, Fair Taxation! Building a Shared Future]

The surrounding buildings were in ruins, but the tax office had clean gray walls and spotless banners fluttering.

"Lee Ju-ho, was that building always intact?"

"What? No, it's not. There was a massive fire here recently, and all the buildings were destroyed."

Lee Ju-ho looked up at the building uneasily.

"Ha. They were definitely ruined..."

"Then this building must be a Void."

It was a high-level void that altered perception and forcibly changed the environment.

Was it because of last night's rain? The building's wet surface gleamed slickly like a beetle's shell.

Then, suddenly.

"Uaaaagh!"

Someone tumbled out of the building.

Lee Ju-ho and I instinctively drew our weapons, but the person seemed oblivious to our armed state.

"My foot! Aaaagh! Save me!"

He was missing his right leg.

The man collapsed at the entrance, blood splattering around him.

Lee Ju-ho frowned.

"Park Sang-hyun?"

"You know this man?"

"Yeah, well... He's not an Awakener, but he goes around bullying the neighborhood elders like a thug. No need to remember him."

Even his tone hinted at how much he disliked the man.

"How is someone like that still alive?"

"He's the son of our late vice guild leader, so it's hard for our guild to treat him like a nobody."

Father-son relationship, huh?

"L-Lee Ju-ho! Ju-ho!"

Noticing us, Park Sang-hyun frantically waved. Since he was missing his legs, he looked like a lower-half Shanks.

"Save me!"

"Sigh. What happened?"

"The building suddenly appeared, so I went inside... It's crazy in there! Ugh, save me first! I'm so dizzy..."

Clang.

A strange noise echoed from the building entrance. Park Sang-hyun flinched, his whole body stiffening.

"It's coming! Hey! Help! Help me!"

The noise was metallic, sounding like "clank" and "clack."

Deep within the tax office, beyond the entrance, the "clank" grew closer and closer.

"Hey, what are you waiting for? Save me! Lee Ju-ho! If I die, do you think Mr. Dong-wook will let you off?"

I glanced at Lee Ju-ho.

"Do you really need to save him?"

"...He was already a troublemaker in the guild. If an anomaly eats him, our guild won't lose face."

At last, the clanking noise reached right behind Park Sang-hyun. He screamed and tried to crawl away.

But before he could move far, something grabbed his ankle with a thud.

"Aaaaagh! No, I don't want this! Save me! Aaagh!"

Park Sang-hyun was swiftly dragged into the building's maw. It happened in a flash.

His screams echoed through the halls for a while, but they didn't last long. After a minute, silence fell.

"Do you still want to go in?"

"Hmm..."

Lee Ju-ho's worry deepened.

But he didn't need to think long.

Shortly after the screaming stopped, someone walked out of the tax office.

-Are you here to file your taxes?

"......"

"......"

We didn't answer the question immediately, for several reasons.

First, no entity emerging from an obviously abnormal void could be trusted.

Second, while the figure looked human and wore a neatly pressed suit like a receptionist, it was blatantly violating dress code.

No exaggeration, its disheveled hair cascaded down to its hips like a wild mane, obscuring not just its face but its entire upper body. A voice emerged through the hair like a whisper.

It was hard for the Confucian uncle inside me to tolerate such blatant disregard for grooming, calling out "Unacceptable!"

Even worse, it constantly shook its head, making the mess of hair sway like a seesaw. These public servants must listen to heavy metal during working hours.

Third, and most importantly, the "public servant-like entity" held a 30 cm-long pair of scissors in its right hand.

Clank, clank, clank.

The mysterious noise from earlier had come from the scissors. Every time the blades clicked, blood splattered.

The visual was shocking.

Even if the "public servant" had a hobby of gardening, bringing scissors to work wouldn't comply with the "Rules on Public Officials' Conduct," which stated: "Article 8-2(1) Public officials shall dress neatly to maintain their dignity while on duty."

-Taxes.

The "public servant" tilted its head, making its oily hair reek of gasoline.

-Are you here to file your taxes?

"Uh, uh..."

"That’s right."

I took charge, speaking up for the stunned Lee Ju-ho.

"I received a notification about filing my comprehensive income tax and was directed to come to the Pocheon Tax Office. Is this the right place?"

-Yes, it is.

The public servant's head swiveled toward me.

-This month is the filing period. Can I see your ID card to confirm your identity, taxpayer?

What should I do?

I could easily draw my blade and sever the anomaly's neck. But "Anomaly Response Manual: Beat It to a Pulp" would only be effective for an Awakener like me.

No matter how strong I was, I couldn't handle every anomaly in the world at once.

A "strategy" must be useful to everyone, even weaker Awakeners, to have any value, especially for widespread anomalies like the "Comprehensive Income Tax Anomaly."

"Ju-ho, it might be best to play along for now."

"Uh, yeah. Here you go."

Lee Ju-ho produced a worn Hermes wallet and handed over his ID card. He didn't seem like the type to favor luxury brands, so it was likely a family keepsake.

-Thank you. Let me check your ID.

The public servant took the ID card and placed it within the curtain of hair.

Crunch. An abrasive sound emanated from behind the hair, like front teeth grinding against the card.

"My ID card..."

-Identity confirmed. Age 26. Lee Ju-ho. You're a Pocheon citizen with very little income. The total tax due today, including Body Tax and Slave Tax, is 100 grams.

"What? 100 grams?"

Ah, this kind of anomaly.

-We can collect the tax on your behalf, Lee Ju-ho. Would you like us to do that?

"Well... I don't really understand, but..."

"Wait. Hold on."

I grabbed Lee Ju-ho's shoulder.

"What?"

"You shouldn't just nod along when an anomaly proposes a deal. Remember Park Sang-hyun's state?"

"What? Oh, yes."

"That was likely the tax collection."

"...?"

"Your tax is 100 grams, right? What if it were 50 kilograms?"

"...!"

Lee Ju-ho's eyes widened.

"Th-then? Would that mean... me too?"

"Yes. This 'Comprehensive Income Tax Anomaly' probably means body parts must be used as payment. Even if 100 grams sounds small, it makes a huge difference depending on the body part. What if they took an eye?"

"Gasp..."

"I'm an anomaly expert. Leave this to me."

I pulled out a plastic bag and summoned my aura to my fingers.

"Ju-ho, you don't care too much about your hairstyle, do you?"

"...No?"

Soon enough, Lee Ju-ho's already short hair had been reduced to a bald scalp. The plastic bag was filled with black strands.

He was devastated.

"Aaaah..."

"Hmm. This isn't quite 100 grams. Take this and go relieve yourself in the bag."

"Undertaker, you're something else."

Why? What's shame got to do with handling anomalies?

With all his might, Lee Ju-ho managed to fill the bag to 100 grams.

The public servant took the bag from him.

-Tax payment confirmed.

"......"

-Please continue to make your tax payments diligently in the future. Thank you.

The public servant bowed and disappeared back into the tax office.

Lee Ju-ho looked at me as if thinking, "This really worked?"

I smiled warmly.

'If hair and urine hadn't worked, I would have just cut off a few unused fingers.'

But since it worked, wasn't it a happy ending?

There's an epilogue.

-Anonymous: The Comprehensive Income Tax Anomaly is a joke, lol.

By the time I returned to Seoul, Lee Ju-ho had already posted a sequel on SG Net.

-Anonymous: If you try to file your tax return, a ghost with extremely long hair asks for your ID card. Just hand it over, and they'll calculate your taxes for you. I wonder what happens if you've lost your card...

-Anonymous: I owed 100 grams, so I shaved my head and peed in a plastic bag. This dumb ghost accepted it joyfully and left, haha.

-Anonymous: Don't ignore the comprehensive income tax alert. Head to the tax office and ask how much you owe. If it's around 100 grams like mine, pay it right away. If it's 50 kilograms, collect your pee in a trash can until May 31. You'll be able to pass the anomaly easily.

-Anonymous: Don't be scared and pay your taxes, everyone, lol.

"Hmm."

The post contained the strategy to deal with the "Comprehensive Income Tax Anomaly," just as I'd asked.

Other members were shocked.

-Anonymous: Did you seriously survive this...?

Afterward, posts poured into SG Net from people who paid their taxes at their local tax office.

-OldManGoryeo: My tax was 300 kg. Anyone got a higher amount?

-LiteraryGirl: 10 kg is about the SG Net average, right?

-Anonymous: Damn, I owe 500 kg. What do I do?

-[Satisfaction] Cooking Queen: I got a tax refund. The public servant gave me a gift box. What's inside?

A little competition arose, called the "Tax Challenge," to see who owed the most.

This was a rare case where an anomaly had become a sort of plaything.

In the end, the criteria the anomaly used to calculate taxes remained unclear, and while it was funny that people paid taxes to an anomaly instead of a human government...

'It's just the sign of the times.'

With a lighter heart, I headed to the tax office.

After a massive void hit Seoul, every building south of the Han River had vanished. But the tax office building appeared in May and vanished again in June.

Admiring its tenacity to collect taxes, I visited the Banpo Tax Office and found a scissors-wielding long-haired ghost, identical to the one at Pocheon, walking out.

-Hello. May I see your ID to verify your identity, taxpayer?

"Yes, here it is."

-Thank you. Let me check your ID. Age twen...

It paused.

The anomaly stopped grinding my ID with its teeth and froze.

It began to tremble.

"...?"

-Twenty, ten, twenty-six, twenty-seven, eight, nine, sixteen, twenty-four, thousand, hundred, two hundred, seventy-three, seven, seven, seven...

Pshaa!

The anomaly's body rapidly swelled before bursting, spewing black fluid everywhere. It exploded like a balloon.

"......"

I picked up my ID from the ground and placed it back in my wallet.

When I stood up, the Banpo Tax Office had disappeared like a mirage. Only I remained in the empty field.

"Hmm."

...Looks like the day I'll be paying taxes won't come anytime soon.

Footnotes:

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