Kanta na Enquete desu

File 17: Attribute Colors for the Palette

File 17: Attribute Colors for the Palette

The positions of punishment and reward were swapped.

Basically, instead of criminals being punished under criminal law, those who worked for the sake of society or another individual were given a proper reward. That was the essence of the Karma Equilibrium Law.

In that world where everyone supported everyone else, not being kind to everyone effectively meant you would lose your means of living, so the crime rate really did lower.

“So, master!! That is why I, a super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid, have come here to repay you!!”

“That was a hell of a lot! What are you!? Something like a ramen with everything on it!?”

I had a feeling that having her before my front door would cause issues with the neighborhood, or with judging me, or with rumors, or something destructive! My confusion was putting me at a loss for words, so I could not come up with any concrete ideas, but you get the picture.

And before my thoughts could recover, the ramen with everything on it continued speaking.

“The world is not so kind as to allow you to simply be a maid these days. To survive, you need to add on more attributes. That’s why I am a maid with 10 different attributes! Feel free to tremble in fear at just what kind of dream life awaits you!!”

“Isn’t childhood friend impossible?”

“I can forge as many memories and home videos as you like.”

She was quite the professional.

And so I decided to go with yet another question!

“What kind of attribute is ‘super’?”

“I think it has to do with being a reporter that transforms into full-body tights.”

“Oh, I thought it meant your whole body would glow gold.”

Anyway...

“I don’t recall doing anything worth being rewarded by the Karma Equilibrium Law. What did I do and who did I save?”

“Well, master, you dropped a 100 yen coin in front of the drink vending machine the other day, remember?”

“Yeah. I lost it when it fell into a manhole.”

“That 100 yen coin turned into a horse racing ticket that paid back 100 times. That money grew even further via pachinko, but was then robbed. When a brave youth stopped the robber, the attaché case it was in slid down a slope. It ended up being used in day trading. Half of the fortune made off of it was donated to poor children in a certain country. In its use, oil was discovered and now all the hunger and poverty issues of that country are resolved.”

“That kind of chain of events can happen in reality!?”

“At any rate, master, your karma has come out on the plus side at the level of permanently saving the lives of 5 million people. According to the calculations, your karma could never be brought to equilibrium in your lifetime unless a super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid was sent to you.”

I sighed.

To be honest, nothing could have made me happier than to have a maid, but what was she supposed to do? She would finish cleaning my small apartment in no time at all.

“So please have me fight.”

“Hmm!? Where did that dangerous term come from!?”

“I belong to you until your karma has been brought into equilibrium, master. That also means that my own karma is yours to bear....and (I did a lot of things I am not proud of and that earned me a lot of grudges while working to become a super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid.)”

“What was that you just said so quickly!? Are you saying I’m now liable for your debts!?”

However, shouting about it would not help. When criminal punishments declined, those who had established proof of their right to revenge had gained the right to take vengeance.

And so....

“Fwa ha ha ha ha!! So you are that super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid’s new master!! I am a cat-ear dog-ear rabbit-ear bear-ear monkey-ear rhino-ear cow-ear mouse-ear panda-ear koala-ear reindeer-ear kangaroo-ear gothic-lolita girl! I am here to take vengeance!!”

“That’s too many types of animals!! You’re like some kind of chimaera! And why stick with ears for all of them!? You could have at least used the horns for the reindeer!! You don’t have some disturbing fixation with ears, do you!? Also, didn’t this maid already take gothic lolita?”

However, the super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid seemed shocked by the appearance of this strange visitor.

“T-twelve attributes!? This is no normal girl...!!”

“Heh. I have so many I could try for a Guinness World Record before long if I was an ice cream shop. This is the way the world is headed.”

“N-not good. She might be the unparalleled type!”

I started wondering if this maid could even handle the basics like cooking and cleaning. Battle ability was not what you looked for in a maid.

“Th-this is bad. She simply has too many attributes. I can’t win against this!!”

“And what happens if you lose?”

“Isn’t it obvious? She will take vengeance. She might take a vegetable grater to my ankles and make grated radish out of them. ...And she will do the same to you as you are liable for my debts now.”

“That’s too heavy to get someone wrapped up in as a joke!! And another thing, you super schoolteacher...Jugemu Jugemu! What did you do before coming here!?”

“Please do not abbreviate it because it is a pain to say, master! Our attributes are the symbols of our lives!!”

“Here I go!!” shouted the other girl.

The cat-ear dog-ear rabbit-ear bear-ear monkey-ear rhino-ear cow-ear mouse-ear panda-ear koala-ear reindeer-ear kangaroo-ear gothic-lolita girl quickly took a meaningless pose.

“Take this universal special attack that corresponds to the 12 constellations!!!!!!”

“Then at least use the animals corresponding to the constellations as your attributes!!”

“Some of them are things like scales, so that’s impossible!”

As I did not want to be turned into grated radish, I had to join in the battle whether I wanted to or not. The rules seemed to have the battle decided by the number of attributes you had, so the super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault maid had the buttons of her top burst off, exposing her chest, had some thick medals removed from her military-looking hat, and chicken blood sprinkled over the knife set she had.

“Umm, I’ll add lewd, bus driver, and yandere. That gives me 13.”

“Dobashaaa!!!!!!”

While letting out that meaningless shout that might have been some kind of sound effect, the super schoolteacher tsundere childhood-friend small-animal-type gothic-lolita household fad-follower assault lewd bus-driver yandere maid blew away the cat-ear dog-ear rabbit-ear bear-ear monkey-ear rhino-ear cow-ear mouse-ear panda-ear koala-ear reindeer-ear kangaroo-ear gothic-lolita girl.

She (I’ll just stick with that. It’s easier) flew surprisingly far before hitting the ground. Blood trailed from the corner of her mouth, but she gave a pale smile as she gathered up the last of her strength.

“G-gbh... Heh. I am actually a boss on the side of good who is only pretending to oppose you in order to help you grow...”

“Wh-what!?”

“And that gives me 13 attributes, so I can fight evenly once more!! Attack!!”

“At least stick with the ear theme! And that adds the straight man attribute, giving me 14!! Attack!!”

I could hear nothing but explosions and see nothing but flashes of light.

All the glass in my apartment had broken, but I was not sure who I was supposed to charge for the damages.

But then I started to be able to see what lay behind the billowing smoke.

“Huh? I had more attributes, so I should have won!”

“No, I used my boss-on-the-side-of-good attribute to get in a surprise attack. That gave me the traitor attribute which gave me a total of 14 just like you. And by fighting against an even opponent, I gained the rival attribute! And this long-winded explanation has added on the exposition character attribute! I now have sixteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!”

“Then I gain the unfortunate character attribute for having the situation turned around on me like that. That’s 15. Being the type of character that meets the enemy in combat no matter what gives me 16. And coming up with these ideas to turn around such a desperate situation makes me a mystery-solving character. That’s seventeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!”

After that, the two girls continued to add on more and more attributes. There was waitress, nurse, race queen, flight attendant, sailor uniform, cheerleader, shrine maiden, nun, fundoshi, sexy swimsuit, school swimsuit, buruma, bike shorts, samba, hula girl, cowgirl, bunny girl, princess, student council president, stage magician, reverse trap, fairy, goddess, dominatrix, ninja, samurai, china dress, ao dai, android, cyborg, AI, and many more. The wind was sliced, gravity was thrown out of order, dimensional holes were opened, something like a black hole appeared, and ridiculous explosions occurred.

“...Are neither of you going to claim the battle-type attribute?”

When I said that, the battle calmed down a bit.

I stared through the dust and smoke to see what was going on beyond it. What I saw was a girl wearing a completely normal maid uniform and a girl wearing a completely normal gothic lolita outfit. They were seated in the seiza style and facing each other. Wait, could you really call either of those “normal”? Everything that had happened may have thrown my idea of “normal” out of whack.

“What happened?”

“We circled around back to the starting point.”

“No matter how many ice cream flavors they make, vanilla will never go out of style.”