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File 02: Please Feel Free to Consult with Us (But Use at Your Own Risk)

File 02: Please Feel Free to Consult with Us (But Use at Your Own Risk)

Modern marriage consulting sites had become quite convenient.

In addition to the fixed categories of age and occupation, you could also input whatever keywords you wanted to indicate your desired attributes in a partner.

Elf, princess, white skin, blonde hair, looks like a loli but is actually immortal, speaks like an old lady, somewhat full of herself, can do housework nevertheless, can use magic and such, is the best when she is angry, full of overpowered abilities that give her complete control over the outcomes of every battle in the world.

“Well, this certainly isn’t going to get any hits.”

I sighed as I used my cell phone to hit the save button for the “desired attributes” field. It had all started with a phone call from my parents. They wouldn’t shut up about me getting married. For some nonsensical reason having to do with the daughter of an old friend of my father’s, it seemed likely I would be forced into marriage interviews before long.

At any rate, I needed to have some proof that I was trying to find someone.

But I really did not understand this whole marriage thing. In fact, I had never had a romance that lasted longer than 6 months. Not once in my entire life. Given the average lifespan in this country, it was not all that unlikely that even after I died, I would leave nothing but my waifu behind and anyone who had feelings for me would just continue their love for me. Even though I was dead. How was I supposed to imagine that? Could I even imagine it?

Maybe I was just an unlucky person.

Maybe I was.

Probably.

Well, if I had the animal desire to leave behind my genes, I just had to register with a sperm bank. My academic history wasn’t too bad, I had gotten into a decent company, and I had nothing much in my medical history. With that carefree thought, I returned to my gloomy apartment.

“Oh, you’re back! Welcome home, human!!”

...What?

For some reason, a girl only 130 cm tall was sitting in my room! Just sitting there! That’s important, so I said it twice!! I was the one whose house had been broken into, so why was I the one freezing in place and being treated like the bad guy!? Had that thing I saw in the night sky three days before really been a UFO? Had the Men in Black come to destroy me socially!?

The little girl (tentative title) circled around me as if inspecting me while I stood frozen in place.

“Hmm. Asian, educated in economics, black hair, medium build, healthy. Modern marriage hunting sites really are amazing. Your face isn’t the best and you’re lacking something in overall aura, but I have heard turning a blind eye to slight faults is the key to a realistic marriage, so I will settle for this!”

“That’s just altogether rude!!”

“Your apartment is rather rundown and the interior is overly used. Plus it has no style. ...Simply put, this is just unfashionable and filthy, but I will settle there as well! So don’t worry!!”

“If you weren’t a little girl, I’d punch you for that!! ...Wait, what was that you said? Marriage hunting sites???”

“You signed up for it as well. See?”

The little girl (official title) showed me her cell phone. It displayed the top page for the marriage counseling site I had just been on.

“All of these conditions you specified fit me. You could call this a perfect coupling!!”

“Ehhhhhh!? Are you an idiot? Wait, am I the idiot for inputting these ridiculous conditions or are you the idiot for matching all of them!? A-and someone like that actually exists!?”

“It’s the perfect coupling!!” shouted the little girl.

Her ears were definitely pointed. And they were twitching a bit. So was she an elf? Was she also immortal? Did she have overpowered abilities that give her complete control over the outcomes of every battle in the world? No, wait! That’s ridiculous!!

“Wait, what the hell is wrong with me!? Why would I even ask for someone who looks like a loli but speaks like an old lady!? Even as a joke, that’s kind of weird! Have I truly given up somewhere deep down in my heart!?”

“Hm. No one had ever managed to match the information I signed up with, but it seems my time has finally come. I haven’t lived 20,000 years for nothing.”

“I have no idea how long elves are supposed to live, so I can’t tell if that’s a bluff or not!! Actually, why is an elf using a marriage hunting site!? I don’t see the connection!!”

She paid no heed to my shouting and waved her small index finger at me.

“Tsk, tsk. What are you saying? That is an intermediary used to carry out a contract between different worlds. It is basically an electronic version of a contract on parchment.”

“You mean the kind of contract where you sell your soul!?”

“These contracts often get mistaken for such things. Honestly, you humans just get too scared. If we had not changed the format, we would have had serious problems with no interworld marriages.”

I had a question.

I blinked in confusion and just bluntly asked it.

“...Why would it be a problem if you couldn’t marry humans?”

“There is no real reason. If I had to give a reason, it would be that there are a lot of perverts in the other world. I believe the stories of Yuki Onnas wishing to marry humans are told in this country.”

“So humans are popular?”

“Very popular. The mermaid princess with a nice body and a clamshell bikini and the bow-using goddess of virgins are both firing beams of love toward humans.”

“Gwooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!”

...Why?

Why didn’t I think harder before entering those conditions into that marriage counseling site!? Why did I not say anything about an older girl with huge breasts!?

If I was ending up with a girl from a world of fantasy, I might have gotten a girl with breasts huger than you would ever see in reality!!

Meanwhile, the regrettable flatness before me began waving her small hands around.

“Now, time for the marriage. Let’s get married right now. We have both exchanged what we want from the contract and we know this will match both of our goals. That leaves nothing but to get married. You are the one that wanted marriage in the first place. There is no going back now.”

“Marrying a little girl!? Right now!? Will the government even accept this? I’m afraid the police are going to show up to arrest me!! In fact, it might shoot all the way up to the Public Security Intelligence Agency!!”

The little girl then thrust a piece of paper out toward me.

“Tah dah! Ignoring causality, I already have a copy of the officially accepted marriage registration right here.”

“Dammit, where did you get my seal!? Are you here in my apartment because you were searching through it!?”

“You should have seen the look of wide-eyed surprise when the people at the government office checked the length of my telomeres and confirmed my age. Their eyes grew even wider when they realized I was 20,000 years old.”

“Okay, I get it. A world of fantasy exists around you and you can twist and overturn the reality and common knowledge of this world...”

Also, the earth did not yet have the technology to measure someone’s age using the lengths of telomeres...at least I didn’t think it did.

Did this have to do with aliens and the Men in Black after all?

I wasn’t going to end up living with some young wife who came from the Something-or-Other Galaxy to marry an earthling via a marriage counseling site, was I?

“None of that matters, so let’s just get married!! Or rather, we already have! We’re married!! I guess this is what they call ex post facto approval!!”

“...What next? Are we headed to Mars for a honeymoon?”

“Ha ha ha. I have no high hopes. Hawaii is fine. Seven nights and nine days would be great. We can have a nice relaxing time.”

By bringing it down to something partially realistic, my monthly salary suddenly became a giant wall in the way.

“But first we need a wedding. Go buy me a ring. Given chronology issues, I will settle for not getting an engagement ring, but I will never stand down on my need for a wedding ring. I would like at least a 15 carat diamond.”

“If you live in some fantasy world, why do you talk about nothing but money!?”

When I thought about it, I realized you needed money for everything in RPGs as well, but she was being so harsh I thought I would cry tears of blood!

But the elf put her hands on her hips and gave a small breath out of her nose.

“I will pay for the trip, so at least show your value in buying a ring.”

“Wait, where are you planning to have this wedding?”

“In my kingdom of Alfheim of course.”

She may have looked puzzled at my question, but that was quite the bombshell of an announcement!

“...No matter how much I searched for that on internet map services, I don’t think I would ever find it!!”

“Well of course you will not find it on maps that only cover this one planet. It is not just on another planet; it is in an entirely different world.”

“Eh? Wait, so after this...”

I, a salaryman, was glared at as if I was rather slow on the uptake.

“You wished to marry the princess of an entire kingdom. Surely you did not think I would live in some apartment in this remote world. You will be joining my family.”

“Waahhh!! Is my name going to end up as something incredibly international-sounding like Alfinbus Gorou!?”

“If you understand, then let's head to Alfheim right away. Oh, right. It seems time and space work differently between here and there. There are rumors that going to the fairy kingdom makes you immortal or that, if you spend a day there and head back here, a hundred years will have passed. But don’t worry about it.”

“So this is a Ryuuguu-Jou style trap!? Wait a second! You keep using sweet words like ‘marriage’, but is this what they call being spirited away!?”

“You only fear it because your culture is so weak. Now, it is time to head to Alfheim, the kingdom of swords and magic!!”

“I don’t want to go to a world that has no skill in giving a sales talk!!”

Later, Alfinbus Gorou became famous for being history’s weakest king as he could use neither swords nor magic, but it is also said there were no wars during his reign.

As they say...

Words are the greatest miracle.