My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

Chapter 117 - Regrets And Resolves

The rain continued to pour as only rain. Droplets stayed as droplets, coming down as light drizzles first, but it wasn't long before the true downpour finally commenced.

I was perfectly content sitting there amidst the dampening blades of grass, didn't feel like taking shelter, didn't at all feel like leaving the rain. For hours, I could have sat there, come the break of dawn, and you'd still find me unmoving from that same spot, that same position - staring wistfully away at absolutely nothing.

The moment I opened that front door behind me, the very second I walked the steps into the living room hall, I knew I'd have to be looking into their eyes again. 

False alarm. Wasn't Blight, after all. I would have been the bearer of the bestest news we've heard all night. Still, the fact that it ever rained at all simply meant that I couldn't do exactly what they trusted me to do.

What would they have to say to me for it?

Wouldn't be admonished for it, I'm sure. No animosities to be brewed, no grudges to be formed - they'd just shake their head, shrug it off, a kind smile on offer, soft words to comfort, 'You tried, it's okay,' they'd say. 

Amanda, Irene especially… the same way Adalia had. My failure to act would simply be forgiven, and also most definitely forgotten.

I didn't want that, I didn't deserve that. But I knew that's just what I'd get if I enter through that closed doorway. So really, staying out here in the cold, in the rain… at least it wouldn't try to comfort me.

Still though, I could freeze myself, soaked my clothes to the bone all I wanted… but that doesn't mean Adalia had to be an undeserving casualty of my burning self-loathing.

Whether I myself wanted to or not, one way or another I had to get Adalia inside the house, and seeing as the storm was doubling down on its watery wrath upon the dampened earth, it was gonna have to be something done sooner rather than later.

Gently, slowly, I placed an arm under her neck, while the other slithered through bended knees. With a deep heavy breath, I hoisted her up, cradling her body like how I did Ash a long time ago back in that abandoned building.

Was slightly surprised by just how effortlessly I could walk unencumbered, even with an arm bleeding and searing. Given her petite frame, I suppose it was only right that she felt as light as a feather.

The last time I held a vampire this close… the last time I held Adalia this close, I feared and I dreaded. I absolutely despised the prospect of ever going near her… took the wise words of a very irate Succubus before I could muster up the resolve to even do so.

Now… there was no dread, there was no fear. It was just me, her, and that painful feeling called regret weighing down my every step. Couldn't blame a broken leg this time for how slow I made my way up the rickety steps of the porch. It was just plain old reluctance again, up to no good once more.

I gently opened the door. 

It was only a few seconds later that I inevitably found myself standing at the last place I ever wanted to be, staring into the eyes of the last person I ever wanted to see, speaking out words I should be relieved to say, when I really shouldn't have had to speak them at all in the first place… had I just been able to do what was expected of me.

"It's just rain…"

Irene was silent, crouched over still, her hands continuing to permeate streams of red that were now barely visible to the eye. I saw her eyes flicker away from my own, looking down at Adalia lying deathly still in my arms.

It didn't take her more than a few moments to piece together the outcome of our little venture to the outside. With how crestfallen I sounded, it was hard to be wrong with her guesses.

Sure enough, there was nothing to be angry about, nothing to be disappointed with - Irene just breathed out in relief and simply smiled.

"That's good." 

I think she might have realized how I was feeling beneath the skin for she didn't say any more than that. She didn't have to, we both already knew.

What would have happened if it wasn't just rain, hm? This time, we got lucky this time. But how many more 'just rain's are we going to rely on.

Next time… what happens next time?

Gonna mess it up again?

"Amanda's in the guest room upstairs," Irene said. "I think asleep. She was going quite pale hearing the thunders and all… think it was too much for her to handle. Not too keen on her waking up just yet, I think she needs it, maybe later, hmm, darling?"

I nodded my head and cleared my throat. "Adalia, uh… collapsed midway. She needed to feed. So, that's another one that needs waking too later."

Irene remained standing on the brighter side of our circumstance, heaving only a little begrudging sigh at the news. "Least she didn't frenzy. That's the important part."

"Think you're able to wake her alongside those two?"

She narrowed her lips. "I'm not sure, darling. See, Ria and the Elf… they're already a handful to deal with. Trying to wake them is already taking a lot out of me, I'm not sure if I'll have enough to - "

"Can you at least try?" I said, trying to hide away the desperation in my voice and failing miserably. "Please?"

"Look, darling, I..." She paused, blinked once, and smiled again. "Yes, I'll… I'll try."

"Thank you."

"You'll owe me for this."

"I know."

Took some time, but I finally managed to pry myself loose from that one spot in the hallway, and start moving my feet again. Still had a slumbering vampire here that needed someplace a lot more comfortable than my skinny, flimsy arms to rest her head on.

Irene couldn't start on Adalia right away, adding another one to the fray would just complicate the process according to her… so for the time being, Adalia was going to have to be placed elsewhere till she was able to spare the time and energy to focus on solely her.

Unfortunately, both sofas were already full and occupied by the two kindred sleepers… and the bean bag can only do so much with its compact size, so a place down here in the living room just won't cut it.

Guest room was already taken, and I rather stand outside again than disturbing anything inside of Ash's… only one other place left to place her in then. 

"Heading for bed too, darling?" 

The tenderness in Irene's voice met me halfway midway up the flights of stairs, took a moment to stop and answer her through the small gaps in the steps.

"Don't think so. I'm just going to put Adalia in my room, place her on the bed where she'll be comfy."

"Oh." Her voice went stiff. "I suppose that's what a little private tutoring gets you. Maybe I should have been the one giving you the lessons instead."

"You were busy."

"Regretfully."

"I'm just placing her on the bed."

"Lucky her."

I… I don't even know what's going on anymore.

"Kidding." Irene coyly smiled, her tone going soft. "Really though, darling… go take a rest. I'll handle everything down here. Later tomorrow… well, later in the morning actually… we'll assess the damages then, alright?"

Didn't have any fight left in me to go opposing the offer she was proposing, so I took her up on it, nodding my head, mumbling a little 'alright,' as I did, and clambered the rest of the way up the staircase and into the second-floor corridor.

And besides… I don't think I'd be good company either way in the state I was in. Think she knew that.

Maybe that's why she called out to me again, speaking out those words that funneled through my bedroom doorway, words that told of comfort, of assurance.

Words that I didn't want nor deserve to hear.

"You tried." 

I didn't.

"It's okay."

It wasn't.

With the resounding click of the handle, I left those words lingering behind closed doors, steeping back into the isolating confines of my bedroom walls. 

My next few steps brought me lowering Adalia down to crumpled sheets, resting her head on a stray pillow I found haphazardly placed - I set her there… and then I stood, watching… staring, how at peace she looked.

Honestly, I was a little envious of that peace. Just for a moment, I wanted to forget about everything. 

I didn't remember slumping into a chair, didn't even realize I was swiveling around in it, but before long I came to be aware that I was staring out the binds of my window - watching droplets fall and form dribbling trails cascading down the glass pane.

Irene said I should catch on to some sleep, there was nothing at all to worry about now.

Because it really was just rain, after all.

No.

I don't think I will.

That same arm, glazed over with grimy splotches of dried blood, I had it stretched out before me again, palm opened, fingers spread out to the murky grey clouds.

In my mind, a constant never-ending loop, replaying her words over and over again.

"Focus. Determination. Intent."

Practice. 

Adalia told me to practice. So that's exactly what I was going to do. I was done being caught off guard, done relying on 'what if's and 'maybe's to get me through everything.

Bitterness wasn't going to save the city. Bitterness wasn't going to save Ash, it wasn't going to save Ria, Adalia… heck, even Amelia.

I'm going to do all I can to stop myself from feeling this way again, and to accomplish that, it was time to stop clinging to the belief that I couldn't possibly do anything.

I can do something. I will do something.

The magical fan inside me never stopped blowing once, it was like an everlasting current… all I needed to do was learn to direct it, harness it, control it.

Focus. Determination. Intent.

Didn't care how I was going to do it, I just knew I needed to do it no matter what it took. 

So that when the time comes again, when all eyes, when all hope falls onto me again, I was going to make sure that it wasn't misplaced.

No more fucking it up.

No more doubts.

No more failure. 

I swear it.

For now, though, my hand was still outstretched, and my lips, they silently whispered -

"Focus. Determination. Intent."

The lesson wasn't over just yet.