My Servant Is An Elf Knight From Another World

Chapter 187 - Test Of Faith

Ash was hunching her shoulders now.

For the seventh attempt, that's how far hatred had gotten me. Progress was slow, but it was gradual. It was no longer a matter of 'if' but a matter of 'when'... when I'll make her fall, when I'll make her break.

Not enough hatred, not for this time.

"Again."

Maybe this time…

I wasn't breathing hard as much. Like her, I could keep myself steady, it stopped being much of a struggle. Practice makes perfect. 

I held my arm out again, stared at her again… those unblinking eyes of hers, they always start out looking at me like that… empty, cold, like a doll without a soul.

But they never stayed that way for long. She'd always come rousing back to life. This time as a flinch, a small furrow in her brow. I pretended not to see it, I didn't see it - she was just a doll… unfeeling.

The shivers, her ears… the only times I've seen them wriggle like that was when she's full of wonder and joy. Not this time. They squirmed, they writhed, drooping…

I didn't see it.

"Keep going." 

Irene's voice was just as empty, just as cold. It wasn't strange that it was, why make this such a big deal, after all? This wasn't a big deal, it never even was to begin with.

Ash gave a gasp.

I didn't hear it.

It wasn't me that was breathing heavy now, those balled fists trembling in place weren't mine. The doll was hunching again. 

Yes, a doll.

And dolls don't move unless they were moved. She was just a doll, and I was just moving her.

Because that's a doll's purpose. To bend over to one's will, my will… but this doll was quite stiff, the joints were rigid and they don't bend too well. But that can be easily remedied, all that was needed was a little bit more force, put some elbow grease into it, some passion…

Some emotion.

"Stop." 

She was still only hunching. 

"Hey, stop."

A painful yelp broke her lips apart, and it stayed open, the lingering quiet assailed by choked whimpers resounding through glistening, shimmering, watery emerald eyes… another whimper, another gasp.

I didn't hear it, I didn't see it.

"I said stop!"

It did stop, those horrible sounds, it fell quiet again the moment I lowered my arm to my side. It shouldn't have stopped, I shouldn't have lowered.

The doll was still just hunching.

"Why'd you stop me?" I had to keep myself empty too, I have to keep feeling nothing. "I was doing okay that time."

Just keep hating.

I didn't even want to blink, if I did I might lose it, I can't lose it. 

"That was more than just okay," I heard Irene say, her aloof gaze just a little perturbed. "That was good enough. Your magic's refine enough already, you're not wasting more than you have to. It's perfect. Lesson's over."

I heard them now, I saw them now… over there, those heavy heaves, those shakes, and shudders, trickling beads of sweat being wiped by a quivering hand.

She didn't look so distant, she didn't look so empty. I looked at her, and I saw it, heard it.

Ash was hurt.

Dolls don't feel hurt.

I think that was what made me lose it. I needed to keep feeling nothing, I needed to keep looking at her and seeing nothing - but I just didn't want to anymore.

In an attempt to get it back, I tried to force it through, blinking, shifting my eyes back to Irene, attempting desperately to retain that emptiness, "I didn't get her to kneel yet. You said she had to be kneeling."

Should have known better than to try and hoodwink the eyes of the demon-detective, that piercing gaze of hers encompasses all and misses none. 

"You're your mother's son, not your mother," She simply said. "Drop the act… you don't have to be her to be you."

"I'm not," I retorted, my apathy continuing to slip from my slippery grasp. "Shouldn't we just be extra sure I can do it?"

"You can do it."

"How are you sure?"

"In less than an hour, you had an Elf-knight, supposedly the strongest of her kind, nearly submitting to your will. You think many are able to say that? If you actually got her down to her knees, then it'd be extraordinary… but what you manage to do was plenty good enough already for what we're trying to accomplish."

And as if to try and affirm it, Irene whirled around to the heavily-winded Elf. "Were you going easy, or was that you giving your all? Tell him."

Ash steadied her hands, her breath, her eyes back on mine. Suddenly, it hurt looking into them… I was afraid of that.

"Never… never once did I relent," She muttered, her voice less than a whisper. "It was a struggle."

"Did it hurt?" Irene ask. "Was it painful?"

A pause.

"Yes," Ash's gaze strayed. "Extremely."

Irene whipped her head back towards me again, flourishing her hands in a decisive manner. "Then that's Subjugation. You force your will onto hers, even got her to briefly succumb. Well done."

"But…"

But what? Why was I but-ting? I was the one who wanted this over with, I was the one that wanted this done quick. I'm getting the all-clear right now, why aren't I just taking it? What's got me hesitating this time?

"Still unconfident..." Irene said, sighing. "You still think you don't have a grasp on things?"

Yes. That's it. I wanted to try again, because I didn't want to do this again. I respected Irene's judgment, it's to the point where I'd never even think of questioning it in the slightest.

But for this, just for this… I needed to be extra sure, I wanted to master this to perfection… because if I didn't, if I failed the real thing… I'd have no choice but to look into those eyes again. I'd have to not hear, not see all over again… just a doll, no feelings, no emotions. 

I wanted one last try, because in spite of it all… deep down, I knew I was still being kind. 

Ash was only just hunching, after all. 

Never any more than that.

"Look," Irene began. "Sometimes good enough is good enough, I don't want to make you - "

"Master." 

Ash's voice, firm, cut right through Irene's oncoming spiel. Resilient indeed, barely a minute had passed, yet she already looked no worse for wear. Standing there, her head raised high, staring that same cold empty stare, a doll once more.

"Whenever you're ready."

Guess she knew it too. 

Thank you, Ash, and also...

"I'm sorry."

"Don't say that," She said, her voice filled with nothing but resolve. "There is nothing to forgive."

And with that, the silence returned, the tension between our distance like a heavy weight on our shoulders. 

"Suit yourselves then," Irene conceded with a sigh, stepping far back. "One last time."

Ash curled her hands.

I raised mine.

"Go."

It didn't even take a second before the flinching started again, the strenuous struggle to keep her gaze unfaltering. 

Alas, it didn't last.

Ash was squirming again. I didn't see it happen. Gasping again. I didn't hear it happen. 

This time, I really didn't.

I continue to push her into even greater depths of agony, her fingers digging into her palms, her teeth grinding themselves against one another, and her eyes… how the tears welled and shimmered.

Didn't see it.

She screamed. It was the first time she screamed.

I didn't hear it.

Hunched over her again, her head slumping… her knees trembling. The screaming didn't stop. 

Dolls don't scream. Especially not in a voice as shrill as that. 

In the corner of my eye, Irene was there… not saying a word, she wasn't even breathing, her skin had gone pale… I don't think she was even watching.

Ash was getting smaller, it looked like she was shrinking - no she wasn't, she was keeling over but not yet, buckling, but not yet… still not yet.

Now I'm annoyed. Just fall, please just fall. 

It's cause I was slipping, I can't slip, not now… ignore, don't hear, don't see… her pain isn't real, her tears aren't either… the only thing that's real is your hate.

So hate.

She raised her head, raised her eyes - those eyes… why weren't they empty, why weren't they lifeless? Why were they pleading? Why were they begging?

Dolls don't beg.

Don't beg!

"FALL!"

I heard my voice, I felt the force of the shout tear away at my throat, but I didn't hear a single piece of me anywhere in the echoes that resounded. The only thing there was malice, unbridled raw spite… to her pleads, to her cries.

Her stare… I let it fall.

I let her fall.

And when she fell, when her legs gave from under her… I finally saw it, I finally heard it, I could even feel it.

I did not like the feeling one bit.

"Stop!" Irene's eyes grew wide. "I said stop!" 

She didn't have to say it twice, she didn't even have to say it at all. I already drew my hand away the moment her knees touched the ground. I wasn't blind or deaf to everything anymore.

Her frail breathing, I heard it.

Her skin paling, I saw it.

Seeing her, hearing her in thar state, I had absolutely no clue how to respond. It was like I just froze there, caught in a tangled net of hesitation and indecision.

Luckily Irene was there, she was always there… and her judgments I trust best.

"Well… Congratulations," She told me, shaky hands hidden beneath crossed arms, nudging her head off to the side. "Now hurry up and go to her."

Once again, I didn't need telling twice. 

I shortened our distance, taking those five paces, fast paces, forward. I practically hurled myself to the ground in front of her, and I did still without any clue what on earth I should do.

I knew what I wanted to do - hold her, comfort her, wrap my arms tight and never let go, but I can't do that now, can I?

Not after just then...

Still, there was one more thing I could do, and I should do, the first thing before anything else.

I apologized.

"I'm sorry."

Over and over again.

"I'm so sorry."

And I never wanted to stop.

Ash raised her head, and I saw what I've done… the trail of tears clinging, glistening on her skin from drooping eyes that barely saw anything, her breathing so frail… like all the life had just been sucked right out of her.

But when she stared, when her eyes looked over at mine, it was as if the luster had never left. 

Even after everything that's happened, Ash continued to smile.

"Don't," She muttered through breaths. "I said don't apologize."

How could she say that? After what I've done, how could she still say that to me?

I don't understand.

"I have to, you know I have to," I told her, feeling myself wracked with so much guilt. "I took it too far… even after, no… you trusted me, and I still hurt you."

I wanted her to get angry, I wanted her to push me back, or maybe even drag herself away. Anything but kindness, I didn't deserve that kindness.

She didn't. Everything I wanted, she did the opposite. Ash got closer, not further. She took my hand, not threw it away… and I could hear something between her gasps for air - a chuckle faint as it can be.

"Master… whatever do you mean by that?" She lightly squeezed my hand. "You stopped, didn't you?" 

I cocked my head back. "Well, of course I did." 

"Then, how could you have ever possibly thought that you've done me any harm?" She closed her eyes. "If it was them, they… they never stopped."

Them… those in red, those that genuinely hated...

"Yeah," I answered back softly. "I ain't them, I'll never be them."

"Indeed. So that's why - "

"All the same," I interrupted. "Can't excuse what I put you through, so many times I - "

Then she interrupted my interruption, opening her eyes through a tiny squint. "Master… do you really wish for my forgiveness that earnestly?"

I paused, then answered again. "Yes. There must be something I can do to make it up to you."

Moment of silence.

"Understood," Ash closed her eyes again. "Then, Master, I beseech you… just this once… refrain from moving yourself a single inch."

Then before I could even question the absurdity of that request… I got my answer almost immediately right after. In fact, it'd be more accurate to say I felt my answer, and I felt it hard. 

Her head. My lap.

"Ash?"

No answer.

"You asleep?"

She snuggled her head even deeper.

Got my answer.

Alright, then… alright, if that's what it takes, then this sorry excuse of a Master shall honor your request and keep myself as still as the quiet that envelops your slumber.

It is the least I could do, after all.

Sweet dreams, Ash.

You certainly deserve it.