Never Marry a Man With Two Tintins

Chapter 5

Volume One: Those in the Slums

Chapter Five

Although this brat’s words were enough to make people’s skin be covered in goosebumps, looking at Liu Guang’s fiery red hair, Cheng Nuo wisely chose to restrain himself from reacting.

After all of this exertion, Cheng Nuo felt so hungry that it was as though his insides were hollow, with his front almost sticking to his back.

Liu Guang skillfully lit the fire in the stove, threw a few large pieces of meat in a worn-out cauldron, then added water and a bit of salt. The fire was dazzling. From time to time, Liu Guang added more firewood. The aroma of cooking meat quickly filled the air.

Cheng Nuo paid close attention to the steps needed to make a fire. He had suddenly become an inhabitant of a primitive world but he didn’t know how to do anything. He has the urge to burst into tears.

The aroma soon attracted several eleven to twelve-year-old skinny children who were covered in dirt. They stood some distance away, swallowing their saliva and not daring to come closer. Liu Guang gave them a look. He wanted to eat alone with his future wife.

He impatiently pointed to Cheng Nuo beside him: “This is Cheng Nuo, my man. If dares to touch him, don’t blame me for breaking your leg. Chang Chun, take some and divide it among you.”

The corners of Cheng Nuo’s mouth twitched a few times. This little fellow Liu Guang was half a head shorter than these children but he arrogant manner was overwhelming. He was like a gangster introducing the younger members of a gang to a younger brother.

He remembered Chang Chun’s voice. He was the kid who had previously suggested that he could be turned into a bowl of food.

Chang Chun carefully looked at Cheng Nuo and recognized his face. He smiled, flashing a row of white teeth, then the group of children ran away with the raw meat.

The meat was finally cooked. Liu Guang wasn’t afraid of its heat. He grabbed a thigh piece and gave it to Cheng Nuo. Cheng Nuo gingerly took it and quickly dropped it into a bowl. Liu Guang took a leg piece for himself and started gnawing on it.

The chi locust’s meat tasted a bit like beef. The texture was tough and stringy, plus it was only seasoned with salt. However, the meat smelled very good so when Cheng Nuo started eating, he unconsciously kept pace with Liu Guang. Both of ate until their hands and mouths were covered with grease. Soon only half of the meat was left in the cauldron.

Cheng Nuo rubbed his bulging stomach. He had eaten the leg and nearly one-fourth of a kilo of meat. Liu Guang was smaller than him but Cheng Nuo estimated that he had eaten almost one and half kilos of meat. But they were just children. Eating that much meat is obviously not healthy and digesting it will be difficult.

Cheng Nuo remembered seeing a field along the way. He asked Liu Guang: “Do you grow grain?”

“No,” Liu Guang said. “Not a lot of people farm here. It’s better to kill wild animals and sell it in town.”

According to Liu Gang, the nearest town was a hundred miles away. Things can be sold there and there is also trade with caravans. There are a lot of trade routes but there are also many bandits.

Cheng Nuo sighed. There were a lot of wild vegetables beside the fields. He had to learn how to distinguish between what is edible and what isn’t. Liu Guang had a small shed beside his thatched hut but there was nothing in it. Liu Guang was clearly just a child who didn’t know how to plan ahead. He’s a typical child who only knows how to eat until he’s full.

Liu Guang threw two pieces of meat in the bowl and looked at Cheng Nuo: “I’ll go give this to the Ge family.”

“I’ll go, too.” Cheng Nuo hurriedly stood up. The medicine really worked. After he applied it, the bruises on his legs didn’t hurt anymore and it was easier to move.

Experts exist even in the common folk, there was indeed a lot of truth in this saying.

Seeing that Cheng Nuo wanted to learn how to live here, Liu Guang felt happy. He took the time to tell Cheng Nuo about the people who live in the nearby houses and character of those people, and so on. Unfortunately, these shabby houses and people’s faces and clothes were too similar so Cheng Nuo only managed to remember a few names. He still hasn’t got a good idea of the layout of this place.

At the Ge family’s house, the two men in yard were drying herbs. One of them was the elderly person who previously gave Liu Guang the medicine while the other was a younger man. Their behavior was very intimate and they laughed together from time to time.

Cheng Nuo thought it was weird but he didn’t think much about it. Liu Guang had already swung the door open.

Liu Guang held the bowl up in his hand and shouted, “This is for you, Master Ge. I fought the chi locust today.”

The younger one smiled: “Wife, give the boy a steamed bun from the kitchen.”

The old man smiled and came over to take the bowl from Liu Guang. He didn’t see Cheng Nuo until he came peered over the fence. He asked: “Who is this?”

Liu Guang said impatiently: “This is Cheng Nuo. I picked him up. The older you get, the more talkative you become.”

Cheng Nuo ignored Liu Guang’s disrespectful words because he felt like he had been struck by lightning. The old man called another old man his wife …

He confirmed that his hearing was working fine. He took looked more closely and confirmed that both men were really men.

Cheng Nuo bit his lips and didn’t ask any questions but his heart sank. He had a bad feeling about this. Liu Guang had called that old man “Master Ge” and this was “Ge family’s” house …

Liu Guang walked away with the steamed bread. Cheng Nuo followed him mechanically, his eyes were blank as though he was sleepwalking.

He waited until they had returned to the house then Cheng Nuo suddenly stopped and pulled Liu Guang’s arm. He asked: “Why did you call me your future wife?”

Liu Guang was stunned. Scratching his head, he said: “Of course, because you are a female.” And you look very pleasing to the eye.

“… My body is different from yours?” Cheng Nuo asked woodenly. ****! Don’t say that there’s no women in this world. Men are weak! What kind of bulls**t is this?

Liu Guang’s face turned red with anger. “Do you have to ask? How can you be so shameless?!”

Cheng Nuo picked up a tree branch and quickly drew a female figure on the ground. Liu Guang looked at it curiously: “You drew a gourd?”

“…” Cheng Nuo nearly coughed up blood. He added eyes and a nose to the face. Pointing at the voluptuous figure, he asked: “Is there this type of person here?”

Liu Guang stared at him in dismay and looked disdainfully at the drawing: “Who would look like that? A monster?”

Cheng Nuo’s knees buckled and he fell down on the ground, panting. His vision turned dark.

Not only did he transmigrate into a world where human life was worth nothing, it was also a world where there are no females! This isn’t like falling into a deep pit, it’s falling down into an active volcano’s crater!

How did he become a female when he transmigrated? Did his chromosomes change from XY to XX or were his male hormones change into female hormones?

Moreover, what’s with this gay setting? Calling a male “female”!

Liu Guang looked worriedly at Cheng Nuo’s pale face: “What happened to you?”

Cheng Nuo suddenly stood up and grabbed Liu Guang’s thin arms, walking him towards the house. He felt an incredible burst of strength. Liu Guang thought it was strange but he offered no resistance.

Inside the house, Cheng Nuo started to take off Liu Guang’s clothes, muttering: “I want to see what a male looks like!”

Liu Guang was too shocked to react. Cheng Nuo pulled down his trousers. Liu Guang wasn’t wearing any underwear and his two thin legs were immediately exposed to Cheng Nuo.

Time seemed to stand still. Cheng Nuo’s hands that were still on Liu Guang’s pants stiffened. His mouth fell open wide enough to stuff an ostrich egg in it and his ears were buzzing.

His mind was flooded with crazy thoughts: What the ****! What the ****! I saw two birds! This isn’t the right shape! I transmigrated into a freakish, monstrous, gay world! What about the sweet and soft sisters …

Liu Guang was so furious that smoke was almost coming out of his ears. He desperately wanted to pull his pants up.

Cheng Nuo’s hands moved faster than his brain. He wanted to make sure that it was real and not a hallucination.

However, his hands hadn’t touched yet when Liu Guang finally reacted. A hand chopped down and Cheng Nuo fell.

Liu Guang held on to this teetering trousers with one hand and reflexively caught Cheng Nuo with the other. His eyes burned with anger. After a long time he gritted his teeth then shouted: “Shameless female!”

When Cheng Nuo woke up, he found herself lying on Liu Guang’s bed. It was already the next morning.

He was heartbroken and depressed. Mournfully, he wished he could just bash his head against a wall. He wanted to find the person responsible for his transmigration and grab him by the neck then shake him. What did he do wrong that he was condemned to live in this disastrous place?

He sensed the malice of the entire world.

Liu Guang opened the door and came in, holding a bowl of rice porridge. Seeing that Cheng Nuo was awake, he put the bowl on he table and said, with a dark expression on his face: “Get up and eat.”

Cheng Nuo stared roof, saying dully: “Liu Guang, don’t you dribble on yourself when you pee?”

“…Why do you always ask these strange questions?!” The boy’s angry roar shook the rafters, making dust fall from the roof.

Then Cheng Nuo got up. His neck still hurt a lot.

He sat on the bed, legs crossed. Before, he had taken Liu Guang’s statement that he was being raised as his future wife as a joke but now he realized that Liu Guang was serious.

It’s probable that the number of birds determines whether a person is male or female, ****ing awesome!

Liu Guang looked at Cheng Nuo, irritated but worried. He hated males who hit females, but Cheng Nuo suddenly grabbed his pants and he couldn’t do anything about it.

Ah, could it be that those females who were raised to be wives really didn’t know the difference between males and females? The people who had been keeping Cheng Nuo captive must not have taught him anything. This thought was pleasing to Liu Guang.

Ge’s wife had run away from one of those noble houses. Though infertile, when he met the young Ge, he created a good home for the two of them and he did not look for a second husband. These things Liu Guang knew quite well because old man Ge often sat beneath a tree to boast to the bachelors there. He had heard this story a thousand times so he knew it by heart.

He pushed the bowl of porridge toward Cheng Nuo and softened his tone of voice: “Eat it. If there’s something you don’t understand, just ask me. I definitely won’t hit you again.”

Cheng Nuo lifted the bowl of porridge and ate it. Anyway, this was the place where the god of transmigration threw him. What else could he do?

Suddenly, he thought of a terrible problem and he almost dropped the bowl in his hands. He stared blankly at Liu Guang and asked in a trembling voice: “Then where … where do children come from?’

Liu Guang was dumbfounded: “Of course they’re born from females! How could you not know this?’

Cheng Nuo’s vision turned dark.

****! Where do babies come from? Chrysanthemum?! This is extremely hardcore!

********

Translator’s Notes:

Ahahaha! That world is weird and crazy, but I like it. ;)

Thanks for reading and please leave a comment if you can. Also, I would appreciate it if you could let me know if there are any errors.