New Life : A Second Chance

Chapter 52 - Xing Han’s Fears

Kyle was barely asleep when he heard Xing Han whisper out, calling out o him.

"Yeah," he replied, "What's up?"

"Am I ... " Xing Han began, then stopped. He tried again, "Do you feel ... no, I mean, am I holding you back?"

"HAH?!" Kyle exclaimed, "Where did that come from all of the sudden?"

Kyle heard Xing Han give a huge sigh, and some movements on the bed were heard. Obviously, he was restless and trying to figure out what to say what was on his mind.

"It's just that ... well, I was just thinking of what Principal Dobbins had said the other day," Xing Han explained, his voice soft, "The more I think about it, the more I wonder. She's right about one thing. I'm always clinging on to you."

"So? What's wrong with that? Aren't we best friends?"

"Yeah, but it got me thinking," Xing Hand said, turning in bed and lying down on his back. The room was dark, so Kyle couldn't see his expression, "Since Primary School, they labeled us as the Elite Five but really, what am I compared to all of you guys? I need to work doubly hard to get the results that all of you seem to get so easily. And and ..."

"And?" Kyle prompted gently.

"Well. Let's face it. Every single one of you guys is good looking. Ali has this exotic prince look with a muscle-bound body. Sam may be aloof, but somehow, that cold awkwardness seems to make girls melt. Let's not even start about you. I could go on for 30 minutes and still not finish."

"The three of you are popular in your own ways and have your own fan base or something. As for me? I'm always the one that people go to, to get to you guys. They're always looking at me as this big brother type figure, but never a romantic type figure. I'm not exactly "man" material?"

"What nonsense are you spouting now?" Kyle said in exasperation, "There is no such thing as a "man" material. That's just some vague concept society has imposed. Real men don't cry. Real men toughen up. blah blah blah. All rubbish."

"My parents firmly believe it to be though," Xing Han said with a sigh, "All my life it's been about what I can or cannot do, how to act and how to talk. I was even belted once for speaking in a 'girl's voice'. I don't even know what that means!!"

"I learned though. I learned how to act properly in front of my family, especially my parents. It's only with you guys that I can be myself. Perhaps all that acting at home makes me extra ... I don't know. Clingy? Soft? How do people view me? This gentle round giant or something?"

"And I'm sure Principal Dobbins isn't the only one that thinks in such a skewed way. I'm just ruining your reputation! I'm bringing you down! People will look down on you just because of me. Because I'm not a real man, people start assuming things. I'm like this soft excuse for a man that just hangs and clings on to you and ... "

"ENOUGH," Kyle said sternly, not too loud but loud enough to penetrate his ramblings. Once Xing Han gets really upset, his bullet train persona comes out.

He didn't stop though. He must have been really upset, "It doesn't help that you haven't even looked interested with a girl but always hang out with me! They're saying bad things about you, Kyle. Because of me. I'm so useless ... *sniffle* ... look, I'm even tearing up and men don't cry."

"Urgh, honestly, Xing Han!" Kyle said exasperatingly, and he sat up in his bed, running his hand through his hair, "First, you're human so cry all you want. Second, we're only THIRTEEN, for goodness sake! Yeah, sure, I have all these girls flinging themselves at me but gah. They're only thirteen!"

Kyle couldn't say anything more than repeat that same thing. He couldn't quite tell Xing Han that his mind was not only of a 40-year-old, but it was also of a woman. He hardly would get interested in kids who were pretending to be women. Heck, he didn't even know if he was interested in women. He wasn't interested in men either. Well, not yet so he didn't know which way he swung at the moment. All he knows is that everyone was just kids in his eyes. One thing he knew for sure, was that he was not a pedophile.

He took a deep breath and leaned back against the wall, "I find all this love thing to be pure nonsense right now. Mum and Dad are already pressuring me to find someone and darn it. What sane parent is actually asking their barely teen son to go forth and find a bride? The more they pressure me, the more uninterested I am. Just look at Ali. He has 10 gorgeous girls to choose from and yet, he's not jumping around in excitement, is he?"

"Right now, all I want to do is just enjoy my school life. I just want to have fun. I enjoy your company, and we get along just fine. Who cares what other people think?!"Kyle demanded, slapping his knee.

"I care," Xing Han said with a sniff, "You're my bestest best friend, Kyle. I don't like it when people think badly of you just because of me."

"Stupid fool," admonished Kyle, "You can't stop what people say or think. The only thing that you should be focusing on is what the people who matter think."

"Well, my parents' matter," Xing Han replied, switching the topic, "And I can't even be myself in front of them. I feel like I'm just a product of what they want, not a person of who I am."

"I'm sorry, Xing Han," Kyle said with regret.

This was one thing that was beyond his capabilities to talk about or understand. You can't change the mindset of someone, and you can't fight against the perceptions of society. The only thing you can do is navigate yourself through it to the best of your abilities, and wear a titanium suit of armour against all those judging eyes.

Kyle really, truly, was not bothered by what other people thought or said, as he had been through it before and managed to rise to the occasion. It wasn't easy and he had to go through some intense pain first. It was worse for Xing Han, for he was a really sensitive person who felt things deeply. How could he equip himself to stand against the tide? It's like asking a bunny to face a roaring tiger. The effects are worse when it involves the people who mean the world to you. Sometimes, other people can bad mouth you and you're not affected but when it's your own parent ...

"I know how you feel, but that is not something I can help you with. All I can do is just be a listening ear," Kyle continued, "If you just need to vent, or have someone to bash to, I'm here. Anytime."

"I know," Xing Han replied, "I've always known, but hearing you say it means a lot to me."

"Silly fool," Kyle scolded gently, "You're a great guy as you are, Xing Han. Even if your parents can't see it, we all do. So even if you can't be yourself with them, you always have us to fall back on to go crazy all you want."

"After all. We're brothers for life. Brothers from a different mother, but brothers nonetheless."

Xing Han took a deep, long breath, then said, "Yeah. I'm lucky for that. At least you're lucky that you're the perfect son. Your parents must be so proud of you."

"Hah, hardly," Kyle retorted.

Xing Han was surprised, "What do you mean?"

"The grass is always greener on the other side, Xing Han. My parents may not be as conservative as yours but they do have tradition and what-not to follow. Hence, there's a lot of pressure on me to fulfill those responsibilities"

"Yeah, I know but you're the genius son who excels in everything. So what's the problem?"

"No one is perfect and seriously, my parents think I'm a robot or something. I didn't talk until I was two. I am too close to Kay. I don't have a life. Yadda-yadda-yadda. There is always something to pick on. You can go home with straight As or something, and they still find something wrong. Right now, they keep asking me whether I've found a girlfriend yet."

Xing Han's eyes widened in the dark, "Whoa. so much pressure. They REALLY want their grandkids, huh? So chop chop Kyle. The clock is ticking. Ali and I practically have a wife already. You're being left behind."

Kyle threw his extra pillow at Xing Han's bed, accurately hitting him even though it was dark, "Ah, I still have four years you know," Kyle scoffed. "I'm not going to lie to myself or to anyone else. I am not going to just pick a girl simply to sow my seeds. But I guess you're right about one thing. I do need to get out more. Meet more people. Who knows? There might be someone out there just waiting for me."

"I'm sure there is, Kyle," Xing Han said confidently, hugging Kyle's pillow like a bolster.

"Yeah, I hope so," Kyle replied, laying back down on the bed, "Now go to sleep, fool."

"Goodnight Kyle," Xing Han mumbled, his voice already sounding sleepy.

"G'night. Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite," Kyle replied and smiled when he heard Xing Han's soft snoring. It hadn't even been one minute and he had already fallen asleep. Kyle closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep too.