Paradise of Infinity

Chapter 58: Can’t Fear Yourself (2)

Chapter 58: Can’t Fear Yourself (2)

Chapter 58: Can't Fear Yourself (2)

A/N: Originally, in the series, humans cannot travel into the spirit world voluntarily. However, there have been many instances where the stronger spirits can bypass the separation made by the first avatar. By stronger, I mean older. It has been shown that many spirits can travel to the human world aside from the two entrances in the north and south poles. One of them is shown early in the series— Hei Bai, the panda. He could also kidnap humans and temporarily stow them away in his point of the entrance while Aang could only enter the spirit world by leaving his body behind.

Another example is said to be the Mother of Faces and her child— Koh, who stole Avatar Kuruk's lover's face. And, there is a spirit in the Book of Kyoshi, too, but I don't remember all of that one. Not to mention the Spirit of Knowledge and the owl in the desert.

So... that was my thoughts when I brought out the Fog of Lost Souls since it is a spirit in itself.

And there's another thing. Those who enter the spirit world physically can bend but those who enter through spirit, aside from Energy Bending and more unorthodox bending that relies on the spirit itself, other methods cannot be used. So while the current team is trapped, they are in a strange space in between, the same as Hei Bai, where the captives were in a limbo sort of situation (head canon).

***

*Drip*

*Drip*

The sense of relaxation Suki felt while traveling with Nik and Katara had all but faded away. She glanced ahead, still not taking note of the world of fog that seemed to have devoured her whole and had impeded her vision as 'she' was in front of her.

Clothes soaked and so was her hair. Droplets dripped from loose auburn strands onto the ground and while the droplet seem to vanish in the fog, the subtle sound of the dripping droplets made Suki's heart pound against her chest. Her lips felt dry as her worst memory was left in front of her.

"Why... didn't you save me?" The girl inquired as Suki dodged her dark gaze.

"I tried," Suki whispered.

"Then why am I dead?" The girl took a step forward, eliciting a retreat by a step from Suki.

"Why did you get to join the Kyoshi Warriors?" the girl continued. She looked young, almost 11 or 12 years old but the hatred in her eyes was not to be taken lightly as Suki's heart shuddering at her words.

"I was crying that day. Begging for help... but there was no one except you and you... abandoned me."

"No, I didn't!" Suki retorted with a complicated expression as the girl instantly glared the moment Suki looked ahead.

"Why did that Lion Wasp keep on attacking me then?!"

"I tried to push it away!" Suki pursed her lips when the girl interjected, "No! That day we promised to bring flowers to the Kyoshi Warriors for the ceremony! You picked the one with the Lion Wasp's mark and gave it to me. You're the one who hit it with a stone and then angered it!"

"I couldn't let it attack you!" Suki tried explaining but the girl from the past wouldn't have it.

"You're the reason I'm dead! Suki! You, it's all on you! I was stung and bitten and the poisoned and you ran away!"

"I was scared! I wanted to get help, I—" Suki shouted when she felt her hand caught by something only to find another girl standing next to her, holding her hand with a creepy smile on her lips, "I won't let go of you Suki... you became a Kyoshi Warrior to help, right? So you will help me, right?

I want you to stay with me!"

"No, I can't—" Before she could continue, a pair of hands suddenly covered her mouths from behind and she felt hands grasping her legs and other hand, too. Her gaze full of fright and despair gazed at the figure in front as the girl continued to stay in front of her.

"Don't worry... I will not abandon you..."

---

"Mom!" Katara screamed, her body pounding forward as she gazed at the woman in front of her lying on the ground with the fog conveniently pushed back to reveal a pool of blood under the woman's body.

"K-Katara..." the woman gasped, a thin trail of blood flowed from the corner of the woman's lips with a small knife embedded in her chest. She wore thick robes inlaid with fur and a choker around her neck similar to what Katara wore now. Her eyes were tired and her lips quirked in exhaustion.

"I'm... sorry," the woman whispered as Katara screamed, hugging the woman. Katara didn't know how or when but she seemed to have turned younger. She was a toddler. Her hair was short and tired into a bun while her face marred with tears and snot.

Although she wasn't 'there,' Katara still felt the southern tribe's coldness affecting her tears, making her shiver.

"Mom, I'm sorry! Please, just wait!" She suddenly sat up straight. Though a little girl now, Katara waved her hands as if intending to do something but stunned, she looked down. Her pouch of water was gone.

'My tears...' Katara instantly thought and tried to make do with whatever her desperation could afford.

Yet she couldn't bend.

Aghast, Katara tried again. She couldn't do anything at all.

"I'm... sorry... Kat..—" The woman's breathing cut short as her slowly but steadily stretching arm fell before she could caress Katara's face as the light in her eyes faded.

"Mom..." Katara broke into sobs, tenderly hugging her mother while her tiny body shivered. She was terrified of being left alone... due to her own helplessness.

---

"Your death has changed you, is that what you want me to say?" The bald woman with a darker skin with nothing but a tied ponytail trailing down her back crossed her arms under her breathtaking bosom as she stared down on Nik with a gentle look. She wore a typical silver harem outfit. Strips sashayed around her breasts, golden bangles and anklets on her wrists and ankles, and see-through baggy pants with a silver strip tying up her crotch. For a moment, Nik's gaze fell on the crotch tattoo of the woman that pointed down towards her lips with the word being— Abyss.

Even now, she towered over Nik. Her stature could pull envy of men and women alike.

"And since you have experienced death, you realize that I cannot possibly be here," Esta whispered with a mocking tone, "But yet I am here. You brush this instance off to illusion, indeed, I am yours. Illusion, I mean, because let's face the fact, I made you. Thus, a possession cannot own the owner."

Nik frowned a little. He had gotten well. He had lost his nightmares and even if it has been less than three weeks since his death, he now realized that he wasn't as weak-minded he considered himself to be. Maybe facing death really did change himself for the better or Esta was simply that good in 'training.'

"Why are you here?" Nik questioned.

"My sweet son," Esta grunted a moan, "The question you should be asking is... why did you consider me to be the most lasting memory of yours? Was Cresta's betrayal not enough of an impact?"

Nik's brows twitched. Esta may be his 'mother' but Nik always considered the position belonging to his caretaker— Cresta. Sure, Esta may not be good with names but she had such deep clutches into her that even with a sure-fire escape plan that Nik had devised to finally rid himself of his predicted fate, he was ended up betrayed.

"No... I loved Cresta but the moment I saw her head in that bucket right below mine, I realized that she didn't feel the same. I just couldn't bring myself to feel for someone... who never really felt anything for me either."

"Oh, how touching. I'm the only woman in your life~!" Esta chuckled. Stepping forward, she walked around Nik. Her gaze stripped him off of his clothes but what shocked Nik was that at the moment... he wasn't wearing anything anymore. However, he also didn't seem to have the mark on his left forearm and it panicked him a little.

'Status.'

Nik thought quickly and only calmed down when it did appear.

"You have grown, or is that what you want me to say? I am a projection of what you imagine me to be. Although, I consider myself kind—"

"A hypocrite," Nik interjected, "That's what I imagine you to be."

"My sweet son, the fact that I'm able to smile here when I killed you... means you're the same. We both are," the woman chuckled as she stepped back, "But the fact that interests me, and in turn should fascinate you, is you still try to break free."

"Of course," Nik stepped forward. Nightmares send you to the past and it does scare Nik at times that all his life after death is an illusion but that's simply a Post-death existential crisis, he figured. What he didn't want to fear was a mere figment of the mind.

His mind.

His thoughts.

The moment he saw Esta, the moment he recalled everything he had started to work up to, he instantly decided to get rid of her image once and for all.

"Can you break free of your past?" The woman smiled.

"I already am."

"Then why am I here? You no longer fear me. You're not my son anymore. You don't have to please the clients and yes, probably, your stitched-up body is being used as we speak. Mama's got have 'kaching', after all," Esta chuckled. Her words placed Nik in doubt once again.

True.

Why was she here?

If he can think to not fear her anymore then isn't the objective already complete? She's standing in front of him but instead of the righteous anger he felt back then, right now, Nik felt peaceful. He had already weathered all the tortures and still managed to come up with an escape plan. That, in itself, was the first step in breaking free of Esta's clutched physically and psychologically and his efforts were rewarded with a new chance at life.

Isn't he already free?

"You understand that now, right?" Esta's smile turned wider.

"Pursuit of freedom is admirable, though, you now realize that no one is free. Not even you who... survived death."

By now Nik was sure that this was a figment of his own mind. He was talking to himself and thus probably felt like a lunatic.

"I don't feel that way," Nik still reproached.

"Yes, you do. You let yourself get carried by momentum. You wanted to leave with Michi... ah, sweet woman, isn't she? But look where you are now? Back to me," Esta remarked coldly.

"I decided—"

"Those around you decided for yourself."

"— to help out due to lack of a general direction." Nik narrowed his eyes, "You, who is nothing more than my doubt given life, would not understand this. Go with Michi, don't go with Michi. Stay with Katara and Suki, or not. Remain in Omashu or not.

I realize that with death came a sense of passing. What am I truly working towards... I felt it was to free myself from your grasp but..."

Nik sighed softly, "It's like this mist around me. I cannot see anything. I know I want more. Michi... Suki, Katara, I like them. I want to know them, in body and mind. But what about everything else, what about..."

Nik turned silent while he fell into a strange state. He never confronted these thoughts openly. Each of his realizations towards his new life came to him at a different point in these few weeks and now he faced them all. He had to. Or he would drown in doubt and that will lead to a decline of his own state of self.

"I fear... that I will become you..." Nik whispered as he looked up. Esta was gone, leaving only her pleasant scent, and in place stood a Nik.

His figure was dashing. He wore violet strips of clothing that sashayed around his chest and black bangles and ankles. His hair had grown out and straightened, leaving it loose. Not only that, on his head was a head bracelet with loose strings that made him look exceptionally 'open.'

Yet, his eyes were hollow. There was no sense of desire in them.

Nik silently looked at him.

One naked and one in clothes.

Nik now realized what he truly feared was neither Esta. It was not any betrayal or the fact that he would someday have to serve someone atrocious for the night. He's lived the life enough to understand how to compromise. What he truly feared had happened once. He lost himself under Esta's clutches and if it can happen once, it can happen again.

He truly feared this state.

A mind lost of its thoughts. Devoid of desires and passion of life.

It was numbing.

"Really? I just made a bad pun... and you won't even smile?" Nik gazed at the statue of himself and sighed.

He feared this state because he himself hadn't straightened out his thoughts. Now that he had, Nik looked around and gave the figure in front of him no attention.

This action and state in mind by itself caused the figure to disappear and his clothes to reappear.

'Can I escape this place?' Nik thought as he touched his left arm. Feeling his personal space, Nik calmed down wholly.

'Hmmm...' Nik stretched out his right hand to devour the mist but it didn't work. He then placed it on the ground but still nothing. This by itself was a clue.

The mist was sentient somehow... so was everything around him.

"Katara! Suki!" Nik shouted, calling loudly. They were together back then but the moment the mist enveloped them, Nik had felt a strange pressure pushing him away.

'Could it be the same for them?'

Nik frowned yet before he could think anything further, he found a violet light flashing in front of him and his consciousness faded away.

***

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