QT: Against My Will

Chapter 19

Chapter 19: 2.05 – Who Was More Manipulative? – Mr. and Mrs. Jelly

+— Author’s note —-+

Edited by Psycho S

Proofreaded by P.D Webb.

+—————–+

Gaming was the only way he could cope with the darkness in his heart. Gaming distracted him from thinking at all and, since he met Bing Shi, his thoughts only ever revolved around her. She was his coping mechanism, besides gaming.

He would always change himself to fit what she liked. If she liked men who were funny, he too, would try to be funny. She despised men who were suggestive; who were perverted and so, he didn’t dare to be suggestive, or perverted.

She hated smokers and alcoholics; he resolved to never drink alcohol (he prided in never touching it) and he didn’t smoke. She hated men who were abusive to their lovers- or to anyone in general, really. He has, not once, laid his hands on anyone... He hated abusive men and he swore he’d never be one too.

.....

She hated cheaters; what kind of cheaters, she didn’t need to elaborate. He wasn’t a cheater. He hated people who weren’t faithful too.

?Xuan Mu:? Please, don’t leave. You saved my life.

Unthinkingly, he typed that sentence out. When he re-read the sentence, he hated himself. Why would he say that? She must be puking from his desperation now...

?Bing Shi:? Oh, how?

‘Should I tell her?’ He covered his mouth, trying to hold his tears in. ‘Wouldn’t I scare her away? But didn’t she say she hates perfect men? So I don’t have to be perfect?’

?Xuan Mu:? Do you know the time when I found you? I just came out of the hospital. If I didn’t meet you, I would probably end up there again.

His lips began to tremble, ‘Or in the asylum.’

?Bing Shi:? Were you sick? Are you okay now? Why were you in the hospital?

Xuan Mu stared at that sentence. ‘She cares?’ He thought in wonder as he momentarily stopped functioning. He shook his head as he got back onto the track. ‘Now, here it comes...’

?Xuan Mu:? Attempted suicide. After I went home and found you, I decided that I could live a bit longer.

The girl on the other side was too shocked by this revelation. She couldn’t understand. How could he want to hurt himself? Wasn’t he afraid of pain?

‘Now, she will leave for sure. I don’t even know what she looks like or where she lives. Why does she affect me so much?’ He furrowed his eyebrows together as he waited for Bing Shi’s reply.

‘Whatever, I don’t care anymore...’ He lied to himself as he clenched his chest. ‘Stop...hurting!’

?Bing Shi:? Huh? Are you telling the truth? You’re not lying, right? How did you try to die? You sounded so happy when you were talking to me. Were you pretending?

‘Hm? She’s... curious? She didn’t run away?’ thought Xuan Mu. His fingers trembled as an epiphany(2) settled into his guts. That epiphany... it wasn’t right at all, but he didn’t know that.

‘If she wants to know about the sick part of myself then I’ll let her know!’ Xuan Mu viciously thought as his fingers typed rapidly.

?Xuan Mu:? I hate everything. It wasn’t my decision to be born... But, it can be my decision when I want to die. I tried to overdose on sleeping pills, and I almost died. But they found out... Now, they don’t even let me lock my door.

?Bing Shi:?Are you sure it wasn’t your decision to live? I mean, you had to be faster than all the other sperms to get to the egg. Even if you were slower, the egg didn’t let other sperms pass through, except for you.

Xuan Mu pumped his head against the desk. Why did he tell her that? Now, she must be thinking that he was the most stupid, immature person on the whole planet.

?Xuan Mu:?Did you have to destroy the mood and make me feel all awkward?

?Bing Shi:?I’m sorry. I also feel like that sometimes, but this fact always helped me to hate my parents less and love myself more. I thought there must be something special about me that the egg accepted me, you know?

The girl on the other side started crying, fighting not to break the strict rules she gave herself.

‘I can’t tell what she is thinking at all.’ thought Xuan Mu, ‘...But I don’t love myself... I hate myself as much as this world...’

?Xuan Mu:? But when I’m with you I don’t have those thoughts. You’re the only one I don’t hate. Don’t worry, we can always stay like this. Just don’t leave, please.

Xuan Mu, ‘Please, stay, please... stay.’

?Bing Shi:? Will you kill yourself if I leave you?

She was the only one he didn’t hate? What a liar. Surely he couldn’t hate everything- what about his love for games? What about his little sister?

Bing Shi licked her lips as something strange settled in her heart. ‘Maybe games aren’t enough for him. Maybe... maybe even his sister isn’t enough to make him stay...’

She would wonder to herself while biting at her lip lightly if she was selfish to feel good at knowing that she was the only reason why he was even alive. This feeling in her chest- was this satisfaction? Was she relishing in knowing her worth to some... some random stranger?

?Xuan Mu:?I will.

?Bing Shi:?So if you die, will I be a killer?

?Xuan Mu:?No! I would have died by my own will.

?Bing Shi:?Then let’s keep being friends until you decide to take your life back. I’ll keep it for now, but just so you know...

Bing Shi stared at her cursor that hovered over the words she typed. Was she seriously doing this?

She contemplated to herself as she hesitated over the enter key.

But if she didn’t do anything, he would kill himself...

(Oh, her heart! It was pulsating so quickly in her chest; her toes were curling as a rush of something, perhaps adrenaline, went through her veins. She was worth something, finally, to someone. She was worth something. Do it. Keep his life. Keep it, keep it, keep it- )

She pressed the enter button and-

?Bing Shi:?I’m not promising anything, just so you know.

He had potential, her mind repeated.

(His life was in her hands. It felt light and easy to leave him behind- his life was so easy to blow out of existence in her eyes, but to him...)

?Xuan Mu:?Just keep it. You can do whatever you want with it, but please, never leave me without saying anything.

She wasn’t staying with him because she felt good knowing that he needed her.

She wasn’t.

She wasn’t.

(She was his life and he was desperate to hold onto her.)

Xuan Mu’s fingers trembled, though that wasn’t noticeable to the boy himself. He was too distracted. Too busy staring at the words she threw to him; words that made him wonder: did she mean what she said?

He felt the beginnings of a laugh (it was a claw inching up his throat, but he didn’t want to laugh yet) peeping out of his mouth which he immediately shut down.

Would she really stay? He didn’t know. He hoped she would...

As he was about to sigh in relief, a stray thought immediately caught his attention, ‘She said that she... hates perfect people, right?’

Xuan Mu’s lips began to twitch into a free, almost insane smile; that was perfect. His fingers began to tap, tap, tap away on his keyboard.

He wanted to rip away the rose glasses he put on Bing Shi’s eyes, thanks to his in-game facade.

?Xuan Mu:? I dropped out of school.

He confessed while thinking, ‘Come on, why don’t you judge me! Give me a reason to hate you too!’

?Bing Shi:?Hah, I was wondering why you’re so good at games! It makes sense now, hahaha!

Xuan Mu bit his lip hard enough to taste droplets of blood. Desperately, he drank the blood that flooded his mouth as he stared at her reply. She. Was. Perfect. And to think, she was perfect just for him and him alone.

Note No.4 – Never try to be perfect in front of her.

Bing Shi thought he had some potential while Xuan Mu kept her as a form of a solution for his issues. Thanks to her, and to that epiphany, he decided to form his manipulative side as a shield and armour.

Thanks to this moment, he tenderly nursed his dark side until the shadows in his heart could form a world of its own: centered wholly around her.