abcnovels
Chapter 337 Do I Deserve What I Have?
Chapter 337 Do I Deserve What I Have?
-----
While having dinner I ended sitting next to Mary instead of Aquarina or my parents. Mostly because I wanted to speak with her about certain things. I felt slightly concerned about what she could had seen through my heart. I wanted to know if there was something there that could give me certain clues about myself. I had suddenly felt as if I didn't really deserved what I had, and this thought further increased as I began to think that I wasn't really someone without flaws, I guess I have many too.
Maybe because I've been trying to become a new person, I am trying to leave them behind, but they have started to torment my own thoughts once more. More than anything, my anxiety and insecurity. I suppose that battle with Hell back then… it still lingering within my mind as a trauma. It probably is also lingering within Aquarina and could be another big reason on why she feels comfortable when she's with me, because she might feel protected. Perhaps she doesn't want to be alone as she might be afraid of something similar to happen. I cannot blame her; I think the same most of the time
"Mother Mary…"
"Hm? Y-Yes, Sylphy?"
Mary looked at me with a gentle and slightly shy gaze.
"What did you… see from my heart?" I asked her timidly.
"Huh?" She wondered.
"You saw through my heart, right? What did you see?" I asked again.
"What did I see…" Mary muttered while thinking. "Well, I saw a troubled heart. You seem afraid, very afraid of things, Sylphy, perhaps more than other people… But somehow, you're covering that fear with a lot of bravery, maybe… Is this what you wanted me to tell you? Your heart is pure and lacks darkness… You're a good person, Sylphy. You're in fact, much like any other person out there, afraid, with insecurities, but still trying to do your best… We all try… t-to do our best."
"Mother Mary…" I sighed. "I often wonder… If I am really deserving of having the family and the friends I have… Sometimes it feels as if all these people were given to me without me doing anything at all, it doesn't feel as if I earned them… It feels like… they would be way better off with any of the children here…"
"F-For how long have you been thinking this way?" She wondered.
"S-Since a long time…" I sighed.
"T-That's not a normal thinking that a child should have…" Sighed Mary. "At your age, you should be playful, cheeky, and asking to be spoiled… Don't overthink such things. It is not as if you get the choose of picking your family and your friends, right? Things just happen… S-Some of us have it rougher, while others easier… B-But I am sure that you've gone through a f-fair deal of troubles, right? I can notice it within your anxiety and your nervousness… Y-You're not at all the spoiled girl you think you are… In fact, you're quite a-amazing, so little yet so capable, you have a strong will… You're not perfect, nobody is perfect… Don't try to seek perfection, dear… W-We are all imperfect, it is what… makes us special."
Her words suddenly hit me strongly. My heart began to beat faster as I blushed a bit. I think… I was slightly enlightened, and also felt embarrassed all at the same time. I have… been thinking just stupid things due to my own insecurities, but she's right. I am… not perfect, I don't have to seek perfection either, I don't have to try to become the best there is or something. I just want to learn magic and spend time with my friends. I want to be stronger to survive, not just for my own selfishness.
Despite her stuttering, Mother Mary is amazing with words, with just that, she made me realize I was being too stupid, and it made me feel embarrassed with myself. Although I always think that someone else should take my place instead, someone more deserving… It is not as if that's possible at all. We never choose how we are born, or how we are given a family and friends.
Things just happen, just as she said. We have to appreciate the present and… embrace the people around us, instead of constantly self-loathing myself into thinking I don't deserve them. I will instead give them all my love and try to make them happy.
"Y-You're right… Sorry for bothering you with something so dumb… Sigh… I am so stupid…" I sighed, I began to stutter myself now. I had never felt this embarrassed before.
"No, you aren't. You were merely being like a normal person is! Don't attribute things you feel embarrassed with as stupidity… D-Don't be rough on yourself, we all are curious and uncertain about everything, even ourselves. As long as you always r-remember being yourself, the person everyone loves… and to be genuine with yourself as well, then… there's nothing wrong with it." Mary said with a gentle smile, as she timidly petted my head.
"Thanks… You're such an amazing person, Mother Mary… Sniff… I am sad I wasn't able to meet you earlier!" I cried, as I ended hugging her.
"Uwaah! Haha… I-I am glad you think that way… B-But we are having dinner, Sylphy…" Mary said, as I suddenly noticed various children staring at me angrily, it seems they got a bit jealous I got so close with their adoptive mother.
"Ahh… Ah…" Mother Lucia gently whispered something, as if to make herself noticed, she quickly sat down near me and petted my head, feeding me food with a spoon like a baby.
"W-Wait, I am not a baby anymore- Guh…!"
"Hehe…" Lucia giggled adorably, as she petted my head and continued feeding me.
I guess I am still kind of a child… not even being ten years of age and all. My parents don't feed me because I requested them to stop, but I suppose the people here don't know.
-----