Stranger Danger

Chapter 470: Tattletale

Chapter 470: Tattletale

“Oh, you pitiful child. You must have been an orphan when you were younger not because your parents didn’t want to raise you, but because you ate so much of their food that they had no choice but to let you go. That was a mistake though. Clearly, you had no problems inconveniencing others to fatten yourself!”

“If I was your dad, I would have dropped you inside a latrine pit and saved the world from a fatty-induced famine. Looking at you now, I can say with absolute certainty that you were a waste of good food.”

Zhou Hengshan was so angry that his face was purple, and veins were bulging on the back of his hands. Tu Yulei, An Yifang and more were desperately trying to hold back their laughter as well. They were scholars who studied the texts of the sages after all. It would be unbecoming of them to laugh at another’s misfortune—unless they couldn’t hold it in, of course.

Hong Jianglong had no such qualms, however. He laughed boisterously and without restraint.

“What are you laughing at, boy? Hells, it looks like your cheeks are split from side to side.”

The little person wheeled its head and stared at Hong Jianglong. “Do you think you’re better than the black fatty? In terms of spirit, the two of you are practically peas in a pod!”

Hong Jianglong’s laughter abruptly cut short.

“What are you looking at? Yes, I’m talking about you, you shit-for-brains. You’re pretty big, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that you’re all brawns and no brains. In fact, I personally think that you’re shittier than that black fatty. He’s a waste of food and space, but at least he has a brain on top of his shoulders, peanut-sized it might be. You? Your head is massive alright, but there’s absolute nada inside it. It’s literally taking up space for nothing! What a failure of a human being you are!”

The little person’s remarks were impossibly scathing. Hong Jianglong clenched his fists so hard that the joints popped.

Zhou Hengshan was the same. You could’ve called him names without dragging me into it!

Deeply pleased with Hong Jianglong’s expression, the little person taunted, “Oh? You want to hit me? Come on then! Beat my little ass! If you don’t come, then I’m your daddy!”

“Lei Xiaodan? Do I have your permission?” Hong Jianglong uttered through gritted teeth. He was seriously about to blow his top here.

“Calm down, Brother Hong.” Lei Xiaodan said with a bitter chuckle.

“Yeah, Jianglong. There’s no point getting offended by a Strange Artifact.”

“It’s just harmless words. Just brush it off.”

Tu Yulei and An Yifang also chimed in.

“Heh. Did I ask for your help? No? Then why are you getting involved, you sanctimonious, pretentious hypocrites?”

The little person didn’t appreciate their interference at all, however. It began attacking them as well, “He’s just a severely disabled idiot with a hollow head. I can tie my hands and legs behind my back and still headbutt the shit out of his butthole!”

Tu Yulei: “...”

An Yifang: “...”

Did I say I was a scholar? Jianglong, bite!

It was such an amusing scene that even the Harmony King had temporarily forgotten his sorrow. He poked Lei Xiaodan in the arm and asked in a hushed voice, “Ahem... what on earth is this thing, Xiaodan?”

“You are a thing! Your whole family’s a thing!”

Although the Harmony King did his best to control his volume, the little person still heard his question. “Also, are you a man or what? A man should speak loudly and clearly instead of whimpering like a bitch! Are you sick or something?”

“Oho, you look like the type to overindulge in carnal pleasures. That would explain why you’re such a weak bitch.”

“You must be seventy or eighty years old, aren’t you? You don’t look strong enough to cross a street without someone to support you, so I wonder if you can even still indulge your lower head. I bet you can’t get it up even when the prettiest woman in the world is presenting herself to you, am i right?”

If you ask me, you should just do us all a favor and buy yourself a coffin already. Leave the plowing and sowing to youngsters like us, kay old man?”

Everyone in the room gasped at nearly the same time. This little person wasn’t just sharp-tongued, every word it breathed was a deadly barb that pierced right through the heart!

The Harmony King turned beet red in an instant. If not for Lei Xiaodan holding him back, he would be pounding on the Strange Artifact right now. “Argh! Don’t stop me, Xiaodan! I swear I’m going to wreck this piece of trash if it’s the last thing I do!”

“Ahem... calm down, Your Highness. Let’s not forget what we’re here for, shall we?” Lei Xiaodan sighed. It took him a while before he finally managed to calm the Harmony King.

“If I’m not mistaken, this is Tattletale, right?” Tu Yulei suddenly spoke up.

“Heh, you’re an old man flaunting a young face like a pervert, but at least you have a good pair of eyes on you. That’s right! I am Tattletale!” The little person in the box declared proudly.

“What’s a Tattletale?” Hong Jianglong asked.

Before Tu Yulei could answer, the Tattletale wheeled on Hong Jianglong with shock and disbelief, “You haven’t heard of my name? You really do have shit for brains!”

“On second thought, why am I expecting a shit-for-brains to know anything? It’s not your fault you’re born a retard, so I forgive you.”

“Tell him who I am, pervert. Show him the light that is me!”

He was referring to Tu Yulei, of course. The Chief of Bureau sucked in a deep breath and slowly moved his hands behind his back so he wouldn’t be tempted to follow in the Harmony King’s footsteps. “Tattletale is ninth rank Disaster-class Strange Artifact of the twelve in the possession of the Intelligence Department. It is said to be capable of peering into the heavens, deciphering yin and yang, and knowing all there is to know in this world.”

“A Disaster-class Strange Artifact?” Everyone exclaimed in surprise before shooting the little person a strange look. It sure didn’t look like it.

No wait, its mouth is definitely Disaster-class. I can’t even imagine the havoc it would cause if it’s released into the world.

“You motherfuckers! How dare you look down on me!” Tattletale suddenly erupted in anger as if it could sense their disdain. “Black fatty! When you were nine, you peeped on your neighbor’s widow while she was bathing. When you were thirteen, you abandoned your companion and caused his death to escape a tiger when the two of you were foraging herbs in the mountains. When you were eighteen, on your very first year you joined the army, you backstabbed your companion again so you can claim his merits as your own—”

“Enough!” Zhou Hengshan exploded as if Tattletale had exposed his deepest secrets.

“Tsk tsk, you’re such a vile man, black fatty. I adore people like you.”

Tattletale didn’t press further and turned to Hong Jianglong next. “It annoys me, but I must admit that you’re a righteous man. Generally speaking, you have never done anything that went against your good conscience.”

“But of course! I’m as moral as my back is straight, unlike a certain pus who should’ve been eradicated ages ago!” Hong Jianglong declared proudly.

“That said, a year ago you got kicked out of Little Phoenix Celestial because you used ate their food, drank their wine, and fucked their prostitutes without paying. The very next day, you went right back like nothing had ever happened and even called yourself Lei Xiaodan. I couldn’t have come up with the idea of freeloading under another person’s name, so truly, you are the example we should all strive for! Also—”

The grinning Tattletale still had more to say, but Hong Jianglong cut him off immediately. “Enough! You’re the boss! I shouldn’t have questioned you, so stop it already!”

Tu Yulei and An Yifang shot Hong Jianglong disdainful looks, but on the inside they were quite impressed. You can do that? Why didn’t I think about it first?

On the other hand, Lei Xiaodan was far less impressed. A year ago, there was a rumor claiming that a man named Lei Xiaodan had used Little Phoenix Immortal’s services without paying a single coin, and for a time he couldn’t use his real name without having people giving him strange, judgmental looks. At the time, he thought that it was a plot against him—and he was right! What kind of despicable scumbag would do such a thing? This one!

“Ahem... it’s just a misunderstanding, Lord Lei. Just a misunderstanding.” Hong Jianglong smiled awkwardly when he noticed Lei Xiaodan staring daggers at him.

The Judicial Commissioner harrumphed but didn’t press further.

Tattletale turned to Tu Yulei and An Yifang next, and both men immediately clasped their hands respectfully. “You really do know everything, Tattletale. We are most impressed.”

A scholar who doesn’t know when to submit to circumstances is a failure of a scholar.

“Hmph! You better!” Tattletale huffed with its nose high.

“Can we start now, Lord Lei?” An Yifang coughed. At this rate, everyone’s dark history was going to be laid bare.

“Let’s. But before I start, I must warn you all about something.” Lei Xiaodan surveyed the crowd once before saying, “Although Tattletale can find out just about anything and everything, it requires a hefty price to do so.”

“What price?” Everyone turned serious.

Lei Xiaodan took a moment to choose his words. “As you know, it is said that one must never attempt to decipher the threads of fate. Those who do would be punished by the heavens.”

“To put it in more secular terms, everyone in this room will receive some sort of misfortune every time we ask Tattletale a question. That is the punishment we will receive for learning something we shouldn’t learn.”