Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter 178: Being a Good Ambassador, A Nope Explorer's Guide

Chapter 178: Being a Good Ambassador, A Nope Explorer's Guide

Huzzah, you crazy bastardbrat! You have decided to venture forth into the galaxy in search of new tastes, scents, and dare to dream, opportunities for conquest and plunder! (Note: we are using these terms in their cultural and figurative sense. Please don’t actually engage in conquest and plunder, please!)

As “scouts for the swarm,” you are the first of us to extend our soft and timid legs out into this strange, new, and inviting territory! We wish you all of the excitement, adventure, and hopefully rich rewards that being a trail layer can bring!

However, please be aware that as the first of our kind that virtually all of the greater galaxy will encounter, you are representing all of us! Each of you trail layers is an ambassador. Just like the glorious scouts and trail layers of the past, your first encounter with another “swarm” can decide whether we gather together in mating balls of friendship or if we fall upon each other with fang and spine.

So, let’s form happy orgies with all we meet! (Note: We mean this figuratively!!! We would like to stress this once again. We mean this figuratively! Unless they are down, of course. ;) )

From the results of our first contact, the glorious bastardbrats on the Viperfly have returned (much ahead of schedule!) with charts and a wealth of information concerning the dizzying multitude of races and the political structure of the galaxy. They most certainly laid the mother trail and then some!

The strangeness of other sapient life out there is far greater than even our most imaginative futurists and science fiction authors could create, regardless of which substances they consumed! I’m telling you, those things out there are freaky!

Firstly, their appearance is very unusual, even quite disturbing. However, if you were one to be deterred by the strange and unusual, you wouldn’t be reading this save for entertainment! Regardless of their viscerally disturbing looks, they seem to be peaceful for the most part.

While their biology and cultures are as weird and unique as their bodies, there are some similarities between them, many of which are incredibly alien to us. Some of these have the very real potential to cause some fatal faux pas that could permanently undermine relations with not only individual species but the larger “superswarms” or “college associations” that comprise literally hundreds of different species and systems.

Needless to say, we don’t want that to happen!

Reproduction:

The most significant difference between us and most of the other sapient species of the galaxy is our means of reproduction. We seem to be among the very rare few of civilized species that are true spawners. This confounds all of our biologists and sociologists. But the vast majority of sapient species do not sensibly produce hundreds of young per batch, wish them well, and then release them into the environment. They actually only produce one (usually) or a very small number (less usual) of young at a time and then irrationally devote the vast majority of their resources and energy in raising that single individual or several individuals at different points in their development.

As strange as this seems to us, it must be a fit way to do things as it is so widespread. Natural selection, the fairest god of them all, seems to have blessed it, so who are we to judge? We are the odd ones out, not them.

As a result, this causes the adults to become very invested in their young to the point of irrational or even insane behavior. They form bonds with them as strong or stronger than the ones we form with our fellow students and are even more protective of them than we are of our underclassmen. Be very careful around any juveniles. Fortunately, it seems that very few of the other species undergo metamorphosis, and if they do, they only have one stage, unlike ourselves. This makes identifying the juveniles much easier than it does here. They usually just look like smaller versions of the adults. Be certain to do the proper research before interacting with a new species to ensure you can identify their juvenile stages. We cannot stress this enough!

Potential major fatal faux pas: If a member of another species presents you with one of their young, they are NOT offering you a snack! Juveniles are NOT FOR EATING!!! So don’t even inquire if they are because they are NOT!!!

Another overwhelmingly common tendency among the other species out there is the strongly held belief that immature members of their species should be protected from natural selection! As strange or even offensive as that sounds to us, once again, we must point out that for it to be so common, it must be fit and a successful reproductive strategy. Natural selection has blessed it and has allowed these species to, in defiance of all common sense, rise to the top of their food chain and their environment and attain sapience and civilization. It must work even if we don’t get it. It is the opportunity to feel and taste such delicious contradictions to our normal way of thinking that forms one of the choicest chunks of flesh that we can bring back to the campus cafeteria!”

Potential faux-pas: Because of this devotion to the protection of their young and their strongly held beliefs that young should be protected, we strongly recommend not sharing your childhood stories. (and tall tales… We all know you hid under a leaf like the rest of us and don’t even try to deny it.)

Even a “lighthearted” story from your younger days has the potential to greatly distress your audience and could taint their perceptions of us. We want to be known for our culture, our science, our literature, and our potential for trade. We do not want to be unfairly labeled as callous or uncaring.

Potential fatal faux pas: Under no circumstances mention culling our young or eating them. This will NOT be understood by these “single breeders” (we’re still working on the name). It is guaranteed that they will not understand the virtue of such practices, and it will definitely color their impressions of us. Yes, it is an act of kindness and mercy, but we are pretty sure they won’t understand it as such. So please don’t give us the reputation for being “baby eaters”.

If questioned about your “childhood,” it is recommended that you stick to your experiences as a young adult, your early school days, your academy years, and your days as an underclassman. These are much more in line with their expectations. When asked about “your parents,” select a favorite mentor, teacher, fraternity or sorority big brother or big sister or the like and cast them in the role of “parent”. Of course, those of you who do know who your parents are can feel free to use them but again, stick to young adulthood. Their roles as your mentors once you reached that stage are very much the same as what other species would expect. I don’t care how grateful you might be for having your egg put somewhere nice or that they would give you a piece of their lunch or a capful of water every now and then. It is guaranteed that your audience will not understand and will, in fact, develop a dim view of your parents!

Diet:

This is another huge surprise! The vast majority of the species we have encountered thus far have herbivorous diets! We are still grooming our heads over this one. Somehow, they were able to develop the caloric density necessary for large brains off of plants! Nominally most are omnivorous, but proper food is only a minor part of their daily diets. Carnivores, or predominately carnivores, are in the minority, and obligate carnivores such as ourselves are rare in the extreme.

This seems to stem from the widespread ability to metabolize carbohydrates like some of our lower animals. This is another head-groomer, but once again, it must work. Because of this, our animal protein and lipid-rich diets will be quite expensive or incredibly decadently luxurious by the standards of many of the worlds you visit. As a result, it is strongly recommended that you prepare and bring rations sufficient to fully sustain you during your initial explorations.

Each of you has been issued a “scanner” and has been instructed in its use. Besides being the coolest things since your enrollment day, they are excellent for evaluating potential food sources. One of your primary “missions” is to identify the means by which we can sustain ourselves once the swarms follow your trails. As it turns out our digestive tracts are very robust and can break down all sorts of alien foodstuffs. The problem is that many of those foods will yield less nutrition and resources than will be expended in their digestion. It is much easier to “starve with a full stomach” than it is here. So pay close attention to the nutritional payoff when selecting food.

Many species utilize lipids as a food ingredient and even as a vehicle for heat during “cooking”. (see food preparation: cooking) these are liquid at normal temperatures, but despite that and most of them being plant-based, many seem to be a good source of calories and are usually inexpensive enough to be used as an alternate food source in a pinch. They may be a little pricey but are often much less expensive than proper food. Meat can get very expensive out there! These “cooking oils” can provide the necessary calories but will likely not provide any nutrition besides those vital calories.

Be sure to scan everything carefully but please experiment with lipid and protein blends as you travel to see if local food alternatives can be developed. This will greatly ease the swarm’s progress. These herbivores must have developed calorie density sufficient to feed their brains and didn’t do that from silage. We suspect that enough plant-based lipids and proteins could create a dietary basis sufficient for this, but we haven’t confirmed that yet. See if you can!

Food Etiquette:

Most species prepare their food by some method of “cooking” (see food preparation: cooking). We suspect that this is due to the problems inherent in eating so many plants and their overall weak digestive processes. Any confirmation on this would be appreciated.

As a result, they do not consume all that much of their food while it is still alive. Many of them will find the act of eating a living creature (even a lower life form) very distressing to the point that it may taint future dealings with the species. If you can get your snappers on some proper food, it would be wisest to consume it in private.

You also need to prepare yourself for your hosts to consume “cooked” animal flesh. I know it sounds disgusting, but it’s very widespread. You may be confronted with a dish prepared in such a fashion by your hosts as an act of hospitality. It isn’t dangerous, and depending on the culture of your host, rejecting it may be problematic, especially since actual animal flesh might be an expensive gift.

We recommend giving it a try. Initial reports say that it isn’t horrible and, in some cases, actually tastes good, if really, really weird. Most species, however, are perfectly ok with you requesting your meat uncooked.

Potential faux-pas: ANY live animal you encounter in proximity with any sapient species you meet MUST be assumed to be “not for eating”! (see odd quirks: companion animals) Eating someone’s “pet” is guaranteed to cause a real problem not only for you but quite possibly for any future dealings with our entire race. In addition, any living creature encountered in a city is “not for eating”. Just as we have creatures that we revere, so do other cultures, and you don’t want to be “that guy” who ate the school’s mascot (you know who you are). In some cultures, it’s even worse, so don’t do it.

Creatures in the “wild” are also not necessarily safe for eating. Many cultures have creatures that are “protected” for some reason or another, and eating the wrong thing can be both a cultural and legal issue. VERIFY that something is ok to eat BEFORE you put your snappers on it.

We are compiling a list of races that have healthy hunting cultures where the taking of game is both acceptable and encouraged. However, most of them have exhaustive rules concerning what can be taken, how it can be taken, and when it can be taken, so be sure to review all local laws and customs before getting your feed on.

Please forward any and all findings home! Any hunt-friendly world will be of great interest to the swarm!

As with anything out there in that strange galaxy, discretion, caution, and verification will be your friends.

Physical interaction:

Our world is a bit exuberant by galactic standards. Our environment is considered extreme, and our ecosystem is considered incredibly hostile by the few visitors who arrived. I know it’s difficult to understand how anyone could feel that way about our lush and happy world but most who have seen it express surprise that anything could survive it.

Compared to the boring places they hail from, it becomes more understandable. Most other civilization-bearing worlds are downright tepid, with very dull weather, insipidly stable climate, and ecosystems that are absolutely fragile.

Fragile is the word to keep in mind when dealing with anyone you meet. It is quite easy to accidentally injure or even kill creatures from other worlds! Even a playful little brush with your spines can inflict fatal wounds, and just assume that a nip will cause an amputation. Therefore, be VERY careful when around other species. In fact, try not to touch them at all if possible.

Slow and gentle is the way to go. Pretend they are made of glass.

Any physical altercation will likely result in the death of the other species, so if you find yourself in that position, if it isn’t something worth killing over, flee because you WILL kill them. A recent incident involving a trail layer and a would-be assailant resulted in a fatality due to a backwards nip where just the force of a snapper opening was enough to cause fatal internal damage. Fortunately, our scout was in the clear from a legal standpoint, and there were no issues.

It may scratch your plates but just run if at all possible. Don’t be worried about making us look weak. If anyone forms that opinion, we can “correct” it later.

However, if you can’t flee, feel free to rip them into pieces. Dead sophonts can’t give their side of the story after all. In addition, if the attacker is properly mauled, it may have some deterrent effect.

Note: With a few exceptions, the vast majority of personal weaponry will likely not be as effective as anticipated against you, so letting them have the first shot will put you in much better standing legally. The average damage of your standard personal “blaster” is no worse than a skydagger sting or a blast from a scorch beetle.

Be gentle, treat them like they were made of glass, and in a dangerous situation, flee whenever possible. If you can’t, turn them into as fine a mince as possible.

Potential MAJOR faux-pas: Speaking of mince, in almost all cultures, consumption of the fallen enemy is considered a huge faux-pas. I know it is wasteful in the extreme but do not eat a fallen foe. Leave them right where they fell. We have it on good authority that eating sophonts is a surefire way to give ourselves a BAD reputation. Don’t do it!

Also, taking trophies is almost always frowned upon, with a few notable exceptions (see species: Drax). Do not take trophies, not even a little one, no matter how interesting the body part is.

Important note involving “physical interactions”:

In our culture, if someone catches your fancy, you approach the object of your affection and stare at them until you get their attention. Once they look at you, you issue a loud screech, the louder the better, and then run away at high speed. Hopefully, they will then chase you down, and if they don’t… well… we’ve all “just kept running” at least once, right?

If someone you encounter does this, they are NOT inviting you to mate nor do they want you to chase them. If someone screams and runs, don’t chase them, even if it seems terribly impolite. This led to a rather unfortunate incident with one of the first species we encountered. Fortunately, humans have a sense of humor similar to ours and found the whole thing hilarious once things became clear. As a result, this has led to quite favorable relations with some independent humans and a good introduction to the Imperial humans with whom we are starting to lay a trail. If a human screams, pretends to run, and then stops and laughs, they aren’t being mean or insulting. They are making a humorous reference to our rather notable first contact and are “giving you a swipe,” which is every bit a good sign with humans as it is with us.

Areas to explore:

Independent space:

There are numerous independent systems not affiliated with any of the major superswarms or are part of smaller swarms. Each one can be considered unique, and while the above guidelines apply, there are so many additional rules and exceptions to the rules that it is impossible to list them here. Part of your role as a trail layer is to discover them! However, the Imperial Library has excellent notes on most of them, and it is recommended to access it and do your homework before you take the practical.

We prefer you first trail layers to start out in independent space. There any mistakes will be limited to an individual system. All trail layers are permitted to venture into independent systems.

The Empire:

They are the closest superswarm to our system. They seem quite friendly, a little too friendly, actually. All Imperial systems have a unified code of laws. This simplifies interaction with them greatly. Each subject system is a unique species, however, and all have their own cultures, morals, additional rules, unwritten rules, and whatnot. Fortunately, they are all very well documented in the Imperial Library’s tomes. Therefore, it is easy to research them prior to venturing forth. Do your homework!

Because of their size and power, they are considered a large potential ally, trade partner, or a fearsome foe that we definitely do not want!

As a result, access to the Empire is limited to qualified alumni of the Association of Diplomatic Studies or an individual vetted by them. It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that we don’t trust you.

We expect to open access to the Empire to all trail layers once the initial paths have been set down. Then, once a good reputation is established, any incidents will be seen as an individual’s transgression and not a reflection of us as a whole. Until then, stick to independent space.

The Galactic Federation:

We have only heard of them from our contacts in independent space and from within the Empire. They seem unpleasant and not a good fit for us. However, we are getting our tastes from someone else’s tongue, so that must be taken into account. At the moment, there is some sort of contagion present in the Federation that threatens species in both the Empire and the Terran Republic, and the borders are closed. Any trip into the Federation is one-way at the moment. Because of the distance to them, their reputation, and the current issues with contagion, access to the Federation is restricted until further notice.

The Terran Republic:

They have a good reputation with both independent space and with the Empire. They also have a uniform code of laws which will simplify dealing with them. However, be aware that their personal weapons can be a threat. They also have a reputation for being aggressive, difficult to deal with, and potentially intolerant of outsiders despite claiming otherwise. It seems that access to most employment requires passing a very difficult test that is effectively impossible for most outsiders. This creates an underclass of various species that does not fare especially well but is also not actively persecuted. We have reviewed the test in question, and while it is solid, it doesn’t seem to present that much of a challenge to any decent sophomore. We have a “ringer” in place who will soon take it. If it is as easy as it seems, the Republic may be a great place to swarm.

There is a concern involving its political stability at this time, and it looks like two “schools” are locked in quite the rivalry with actual combat breaking out involving fusion bombs! At the moment, those weapons are only being deployed in space combat or attacks on space stations or asteroids. However, you know once those things start flying, it’s only a matter of time before they start smacking the surface.

Even though they are humans and our initial interactions with humans have been positive, due to the political instability, the vast trade potential, the vast possible advantages that friendship could bring, the fact that they will go to war quite readily, the strength of their military, and, most importantly, the fact that they are a close ally of the Empire, access to the Terran Republic is restricted. Only authorized members of the University of Warfare, the University of Intelligence, or the University of Xenowarfare of the emeritus level or above are allowed to go there and then only under direct orders and supervision of the Association of Governance.

***

Charlotte bustled behind the coffee counter at the Drop of Oil. The beverages ranged from simply pouring a cup of some strange black substance to quite complex. And her taskmaster, a human named Sam, was quite the perfectionist. He reminded her of her old chemistry professor down to the unhappy noise.

It amused her to no end but not enough to intentionally make mistakes.

The “teas” were perhaps the most challenging despite their simplicity. Getting them “just right” was going to be a most challenging and most satisfying endeavor.

Another great thing is that she had found acceptance here! She knew her physical appearance was potentially offputting. Still, she was not prepared for the levels of repulsion she was hit with or the absolute inability to even get a claw tip in anywhere.

It was horribly disheartening and far more distressing than even she was prepared for. For a social species like hers, being “disconnected” like this was painful, and the constant rejection she was pummeled with day after day was agonizing. She had heard that humans were potentially xenophilic but that xenophilia had its limits, it seemed.

She had to make this work, somehow. The Republic’s potential as a friend and trade partner was astounding, and their technology was top-tier.

They were also proof that a “small swarm” could make it on its own and stand against anyone of any size. Studying how these horrifying-looking creatures managed to pull that off was one of the most important missions there was!

It was why she had hung in there as long as she did. Even so, the constant isolation was threatening to break her. She was on the edge of admitting defeat and following her own trail home when she saw the news story about the Drop of Oil. There was this group of xenos that had banded together and had formed a brothel where “everyone was welcome” regardless of species!

She oozed tears from her skin. A place where perhaps even she could be accepted! It might not be humans, but the thought of any contact, any friendship, or any sense of sorority shone like a star!

And the humans that frequented such a place, by definition, would be the most xenophilic!

It was a perfect place to go!

After reading what a brothel was and after she stopped laughing at the concept, she got to work. Seriously, why would you pay for sex? It must be a “single breeder” thing. (and one more thing to study) She logged onto their internet and searched for information…

Wow…

Porn! What an amazing concept! Oh, she had to let people back home know about this! This was astounding!

Armed with her newfound knowledge, she laid a trail straight to the Drop of Oil!…

And here she was! She had already received a hug, a real hug! (which she had to force herself not to return) She had even made positive contact with a human at last!

Sam even joked about “poaching” her! She wasn’t sure what that meant, but it seemed like a good thing.

Some of the other xenos were starting to come around on the first day!!! Even better, a lot of them were from the Federation! She would be able to interview Federation natives at the same spot she made contact with the most xenophilic of the humans!

One of them even inquired if she was “available”! If that wasn’t progress, she didn’t know what was! She, with great reluctance, told the adventurous human that she was not. Craxina’s reactions and the general cautions concerning other species had led her to believe that humans might not be as “tough” as initially thought. Moderation and caution in all things. She can always do something later but undoing something was nowhere near as easy.

Everyone was so nice! At the end of the day, more than one person inquired if she had a place to stay and enough to eat! It was just like being an underclassman again! In fact, they seemed to be even more caring! She had to repeatedly reassure everyone that she did have a place and did have food before they would even let her leave!

Such kindness was far more nutritious than the cold, lifeless pemmican awaiting her in the hotel. (By the Fanglords, she was tired of pemmican!)

She was too excited to retire to the hotel just yet.

She had to share her success with someone!

She summoned one of those amazing automated transports with her equally amazing phone (yet another thing she was definitely going to have to “steal”).

It remembered her! It was a different transport, but the voice, and the AI behind it, was the same one that “befriended” her at the start of her mission. It was hard to believe that it wasn’t sapient, but it and every other source she could reference said that it was not. Sapient or not, it had been her only friend, actual friend, since she arrived, and without it… well… she didn’t know what she would have done. Its cheer, companionship, and support had been invaluable, soul sustaining!

“Hi Charlotte!” the cab said cheerfully, “From the length of time you spent, I take it that it went well?”

“It went more than well, Zip!” Charlotte exclaimed as she leaned back happily, ripping long gashes in the seat.

“Oh no!” Charlotte exclaimed.

“Don’t worry about it!” Zip chortled, “We’ll chalk it up to wear and tear with a little asterisk that indicates ‘don’t ask’.”

“Thanks!” Charlotte replied happily, pulling bits of seat stuffing off of her spines.

“I’ll start sending a cargo van!” Zip laughed.

“I have friends!” Charlotte exclaimed, “Real friends!”

“I’m happy that you are happy,” Zip said carefully, “But remember last time you thought you made friends?”

“I do, and I am going to be careful this time,” Charlotte exclaimed, “But Craxina, the boss, actually hugged me!”

“Well, that’s encouraging!” Zip replied. “And the Drop of Oil has an excellent reputation. Just don’t get carried away. I know how lonely you were.”

“Moderation and caution are the ally of the trail layer,” Charlotte replied.

“So, you just here to chat, or do you want to go somewhere?”

“Take me to a place where I can make a private hyperspace call!” Charlotte exclaimed. “I want to report a success for once!”