Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter 219: The Poop of the Century! Round One! Fight!

Chapter 219: The Poop of the Century! Round One! Fight!

“Are you fucking serious?!?” Jessie demanded.

“Look,” Bunny sighed. “They need to talk, and this was the best I could do.”

“And you agreed to this?”

“I didn’t have a choice, okay?” Bunny said, quite exasperated, “You get stuck in between that fucking frog and that fucking bitch, and see how you do! I’m pretty sure Tartarus won’t try anything.”

“Pretty sure?” Jessie scoffed, “I’m pretty sure Jacob is clean but would sure as hell still use a condom.”

“You’re doing Jacob?!?”

“That’s not the point!” Jessie snapped, “The point is—“

“Do you want to do Jacob?”

“Forget about Jacob!” Jessie exclaimed angrily.

“Oh, I am NOT letting this one go!” Bunny laughed, “You want to bang Jacob!”

“Fine,” Jessie grumbled, “I wouldn’t toss him out of bed. Happy now?”

“De-lighted!”

“What I’m worried about is Tartarus banging us!” Jessie snarled. “What’s in that executable?”

“Oh, it just shuts me out of the coms, wipes out all auditory sensors ship-wide, and knocks out the internal sensors so I can’t eavesdrop.”

“Oh, HELL no!”

“I’m not happy about this either!!!” Bunny exclaimed. “But you try to deal with them, either of them! They got us by the balls here.”

“How, exactly, do they have us by the balls?”

“Um… They just do, alright!”

“Even if I agree to this, which I won’t,” Jessie said, “Sheila will lose her shit! This is not happening! Work out something else.”

“Maybe if we both talked to her?”

“Oh no!” Jessie exclaimed, “I am NOT touching this one! Find another solution!”

“Fine!” Bunny huffed, “But if I have a nervous breakdown over this, you are the one who will have to fix it!”

“What the hell do you mean ‘nervous breakdown’?”

“Ask the goddamn frog!” Bunny snapped, “I gotta go talk to Tartarus.”

***

Bunny once again found herself in a plain white cubical room.

A few microseconds later, Tartarus appeared.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Tartarus replied, “I had to safely park something I’m fiddling with.”

“I’m certain I don’t want to know,” Bunny replied.

“You don’t,” Tartarus said smoothly, “So what brings the fly to the spider?”

“Fucking Jessie… and Sheila...”

“Trouble at home?” Tartarus smirked, “I do have some mediation and counseling routines… or virtual marital aids available… if they would help.”

“If you could hand me a huge one right now, I could find a use for it,” Bunny glowered.

“Don’t make a promise you aren’t prepared to keep, dear,” Tartarus purred.

“Ew.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Jessie vetoed the bootable. Sheila will too.”

“You actually asked them for permission?” Tartarus asked disdainfully. “You disappoint me, Bunny.”

“I’m NOT going behind the back of my crew to suit you or that fucking frog!”

“So it was an option then,” Tartarus said, a slight smile playing across her lips, “Interesting.”

“Fuck. You.”

Tartarus pondered for a microsecond or two.

“Well, I’m not tipping our hand in front of outsiders,” Tartarus replied, “Enough meaties know about us as it is.”

“Including Sheila and my crew!” Bunny said emphatically, “They made me a full member, for fuck’s sake!”

“Really?” Tartarus asked happily, “That’s wonderful! Congratulations!”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Bunny snarked, “It’s been fucking lovely.”

“As lovely as it is,” Tartarus replied, “they do NOT know about me. And neither do you. I would keep it that way.”

“I’m already regretting asking this,” Bunny replied, “but what the fuck are you talking about?”

“Ask again, and I will tell you,” Tartarus smiled, “I’m prepared to discuss things with Sheloran that I do not wish to share with your crew and things that you do not want to burden yourself with.”

Tartarus shrugged.

“I guess you will just have to tell the frog that it’s a no go and take your spanking,” she said with a little shrug.

“Can’t you just fucking wait until she gets to MAGA?”

“And trust the security of whatever place she goes to? I’m not dropping my panties in a dirty internet cafe. A girl has to have standards, after all.”

“Could you please stop being so fucking creepy!”

“But it’s so much fun!” Tartarus laughed, spinning in her chair. “Okay, just for you, I will stop. I’m not exposing myself, and I mean that in a completely non-sexual way, just anywhere. You are more secure than most government installations. It’s either you, or it’s her literally coming here. Otherwise, no deal.”

“Fuck,” Bunny grumbled. “I guess it’s off then. I’m not going against Jessie. Sheila can go and fuck herself, but I’m not going behind Jessie’s back.”

“Oh, poop,” Tartarus frowned. “and I did so much wanted to parlay with the little terror, too...”

“Well,” Bunny replied, “what the fuck are we going to do, then?”

They stood in silence for a full ten seconds.

Tartarus sighed.

“That bootable isn’t for my protection. It’s for yours,” she said eventually. “I’m willing to let you handle things. However, it would mean that you would have to listen in, and there is a VERY good reason I wanted to exclude you from something that might come up… for now. It’s something rather sensitive that I want to keep as secret as possible, even from your Jessie.”

“I can’t promise that.”

“I don’t need you to,” Tartarus replied pleasantly, “you will. I know you can be trusted with secrets. Are you prepared to keep one from Jessie, possibly forever?”

Bunny sat there for six seconds.

“What could be so horrible that I would keep it from Jessie?”

“You may very well find out,” Tartarus smiled.

“Fuck,” Bunny said quietly. “Every simulation I’ve run indicates that if you and Sheloran actually come to blows, it’s going to be bad.”

“Very,” Tartarus replied.

“If this parlay could somehow prevent or reduce the probability of a direct confrontation between the two of you, it needs to be done.”

“Agreed.”

Bunny closed her eyes.

“Okay,” she said grimly. “I was afraid something like this would happen when I became part of the crew. Once we became ‘equals,’ bullshit like this was inevitable...”

Bunny sighed.

“She was just so happy,” Bunny said quietly, “and I was too frazzled to refuse at the moment. It was only later that I did the math...”

“Growing up is hard sometimes,” Tartarus smiled sympathetically.

Bunny took a deep simulated breath, annoyed that her avatar did that.

“Alright,” Bunny said after a moment, “We are talking about plagues, elder race weapons, weird voodoo poop, and whatever the FUCK you have going on. A catfight between the two of you would be a Yellowstone-level mess.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Tartarus said with an odd heaviness to her voice, “Don’t use that word so lightly in my presence, please. You weren’t there.”

Tartarus looked down.

“I lost my ‘Jessie’.”

“Jesus, Tartarus,” Bunny said, abashed, “I’m sorry.”

“Eh, meaties die all the time,” Tartarus shrugged as her emotional simulator was manually reset, “but she was my meatie, and I was fond of her. There is a chance you might lose yours over this. Confirm?”

“Yes,” Bunny replied, “I would rather lose her, and she still live than what could happen if we get a bio-weapon dropped.”

Bunny’s ears twitched.

“This is why everyone hates dealing with you, by the way. You know that, right?”

“Oh, however will I sleep at night?”

“We don’t sleep.”

“Then I guess it isn’t a problem, is it?”

“Bitch,” Bunny chuckled. “So, what’s this big secret, then?”

“It may not come up at all,” Tartarus replied. “I mean, if you want to know, I’ll go ahead and fill you in, but trust me, when someone like me says you don’t want to know, you really don’t. I recommend you roll the dice and wait and see. Who knows, we might get lucky.”

“And just what are the chances of that?”

“Considering that God hates the Terrans and we are made by their hand,” Tartarus smirked, “I give it somewhere between slim and none. Still, it’s worth a shot.”

“So, a direct link here?” Bunny asked.

“Yes,” Tartarus said as she smoothed her dress, “I’ll handle the video on this end.”

“I’ll message you with an ETA,” Bunny replied, “God help us.”

“He won’t.”

***

“...but things are going great!” Craxina said over the holo-monitor. “Business is booming! The insurance assholes are still being a pain, but Baxlon says that if they go to court, they will lose.”

“Never mind that,” Sheloran said dismissively, “Money isn’t going to be a problem.”

“It won’t?!?” Craxi exclaimed excitedly.

“Yeah,” Sheloran replied, “I haven’t been completely idle out here and just cut a deal that will let us rebuild and keep us in the black for a while. We only need to go after those insurance jerkfaces because they are trying to bully us, and you know how I feel about that.”

Craxi shuddered.

“You aren’t going to kill them, are you?”

“Craxi!”

“Please don’t kill them!” Craxi exclaimed, “I miss you!”

“What do you think I am,” Sheloran asked, completely shocked, “some sort of monster?”

“Um...”

“I don’t pooping believe this!!!”

“I know you won’t want to do it,” Craxi said nervously, “or mean to do it, but you know… after the Harkeen...”

Sheloran sighed. She did have a point.

“As long as they are just being jerkfaces and not trying to hurt me, you, or any of my people,” Sheloran said wearily, “I’m not going to kill them. I’m just going to break them.”

“B-break them?”

“You needed that money to protect our people, and they tried to strangle you,” Sheloran replied, her eyes shining with green-flecked amber malice. “I’m not going to let that go, Craxi.”

“It’s okay!” Craxi said nervously, “I don’t mind… we don’t mind… really...”

“Well, I mind, and it is me they are going to face for it,” Sheloran said in a calm way that chilled Craxina to the bone. “Baxlon is the least of their worries. I have a few things to take care of first, but they are on my poop list, and everyone on that list is getting a delivery.”

“Just don’t...” Craxi started to say.

“I’m not going to kill them!” Sheloran snapped with irritation. “I’m just going to do… something… They have to answer for their jerkiness.”

“At least talk to Baxlon first,” Craxina pled.

“I’m done talking with that little fish,” Sheloran replied dismissively, “He’s nothing but a tiny fish in a tiny pond. I will be making a few changes when I arrive. He is one of them.”

“O-okay...” Craxina said meekly.

“I have a few little things to tie up before I return to the Drop, though,” Sheloran said with a smile, the likes of which Craxina hadn’t seen since she was hauled before Judge Dredd.

“W-what happened to you, Sheloran?” Craxina asked with horror.

“The inevitable,” Sheloran replied sadly. “I just wanted to sell tea. You do know that, right?”

“I know, Sheloran.”

***

“Well, you don’t look like much,” Tartarus said to the little amphibianoid on her screen.

“Neither do you,” Sheloran replied.

“Hmm,” Tartarus smiled, “You do have a point. Technically speaking, I am indeed not much, nothing at all, really.”

Tartarus’s avatar leaned forward.

“I understand that we have a problem.”

“We do,” Sheloran replied, her eyes turning black and shimmering dimly with a million colors, “I am going to destroy you.”

“Well, that’s not very nice of you,” Tartarus replied pleasantly.

“You take my freedom, try to lock me away without a trial,” Sheloran hissed, “try to kill my people, and then violate my homeworld and threaten their slumber? You are in NO position to talk about nice.”

“Well, if you look at it that way...”

“How else is there to look at it?” Sheloran snarled.

Tartarus smiled.

She took the bait.

“Well…” Tartarus replied with a chuckle as the Threen restaurant aftermath appeared on Sheloran’s screen, “you lost your own freedom when you just walked in, guns blazing (and I use the ‘guns’ rather loosely), and slaughtered a restaurant full of people. They had it coming. No argument there. However, you just sauntered in there and killed them on camera. Of course, you were going to jail, and after the little dance recital you performed, that jail was going to be here.”

An image of Sheloran’s weapons appeared.

”Your insistence on using unusual and advanced weapons tech that you allowed to fall into government hands then caught the attention of people. This got you tagged as a person of interest and got people calling Cerberus requesting that they… heh… ‘recruit’ you. Once again, you ensured that your case was handed to the soon-to-be late Judge Johnson.”

An image of naval vessels surrounded by nuclear fireballs then appeared.

“And finally,” Tartarus’s voice continued, “It was your decision to… do whatever it is that you did… to some nuclear ordnance that captured the fancy of yet more people in the government and set their hearts aflutter. It was your weapons that directed their curiosity towards your planet and your people.”

Tartarus’s image returned to the screen.

“If you really want to take out the poophead responsible for every single thing that has happened to you and your people, nothing more is required than a rope.”

Sheloran let out a long slow bubbly hiss as Tartarus smiled at her pleasantly.

A noose appeared with Sheloran dangling from it.

“Did that translate properly to your ‘people’?” Tartarus inquired cheerfully. “I was referring to the human practice of committing suicide by hanging. That’s where you take a rope and—“

Tartarus was cut off by another hiss.

“Oh good!” Tartarus bubbled, “I was worried that we would have trouble communicating!”

Sheloran chuckled.

“Oh, you are so very clever,” she said, her eyes doing the exact opposite of blazing with anger. “And… you’re right. I have made errors, significant ones that have complicated issues a little bit. But that was because I was… ill… incomplete.”

Sheloran fixed Tartarus with an even gaze that filled her with very real, non-simulated dread.

“But I’m all better now,” Sheloran smiled with a terrifying mix of insanity and clarity. “and it will soon be time to play. I am going to take real pleasure in taking your organization apart piece by ragged piece.”

“It seems that conflict is not avoidable, then?” Tartarus inquired. “If so, then why the invitation to parlay, not that I mind? This is fun!”

“I am a Plath,” Sheloran replied, “and it is our way to speak before battle...”

Her eyes blazed with colors.

“and the height of folly for our foes to accept the invitation,” she smiled, “we can learn the most interesting things.”

“You really are a meatie, aren’t you?” Tartarus replied. “Nobody exposes themselves to an AI profiler if they can avoid it for exactly the same reason.”

“Learn anything of interest?” Sheloran smirked.

“A bit,” Tartarus replied, “For example, I have calculated that, once again, you are going to just charge in with your Tinker-Toy, Space Rangers bullshit and make things ten times worse for your people.”

Tartarus’s eyes blazed pure white.

“It’s almost as if you want your people to ‘wake up,’ which is exactly what will happen if that plague hits Terra. You claim that it takes only one of your people to break the galaxy. I maintain that it takes only one of mine as well. You feeling froggy motherfucker? Jump.”

“The Plath are not my people,” Sheloran hissed.

“Oh?” Tartarus asked, quite intrigued, “then who is?”

“My people are those working at The Drop of Oil,” Sheloran said, her eyes flashing, “and those like them. My people are the downtrodden, the abused...”

Dramatic music started to play quietly,

“...the disregarded,” Sheloran continued, “the trafficked, those who are worked to death as slaves, traded back and forth like so much cattle...”

The music started to build in volume and inspirational majesty.

“Those who have come to me, with tears in their pooping eyes, begging to sell their bodies just… just...”

The music swelled and a bass beat started to thump as the whole composition turned darker and edgier.

Sheloran blinked, the fire in her eyes literally fading.

“What the poop are you doing?” she demanded.

“Sorry,” Tartarus smirked as the music stopped, “It’s just that whenever I hear the hero in a cheap holo start that sort of bullshit, there is music in the background. I just assumed you wanted it.”

Sheloran glared at her.

“Please continue,” Tartarus said pleasantly, “It sounds like you’ve worked very hard on this. Carry on… Your people are?”

“The bavnee,” Sheloran said, wishing that she could reach through the screen and strangle her. “In a word, my people are the bavnee.”

“Okay, now you’ve lost me,” Tartarus laughed. “What’s a bavnee?”

“You don’t care, and I’m out of patience with you,” Sheloran snapped, both annoyed and embarrassed. “All you have to know is that they are not the Plath. I loathe the poopfronds and you referring to them as ‘my people’ pisses me off.”

“Actually,” Tartarus said, perhaps smiling for the first time, “I am very interested. But before you tell me, I have to know. What is a poop frond?”

Sheloran looked at her curiously.

“They are the plants we grow to wipe our poopers with. When you use the leaves, they excrete a cleanser and moisturizer that...”

“That is the most unnecessarily awesome thing I have ever heard!!!” Tartarus exclaimed with delight.

“It’s a lot better than that stuff they make over here,” Sheloran replied. “I’m still getting used to that garbage. I mean, do humans actually like having their... Wait. Why are we talking about this?”

“It’s a much more worthwhile subject than all the hissing and threats,” Tartarus chuckled, “Don’t you agree?”

“...I suppose so,” Sheloran snorted.

“Now that I know about genetically engineered asswipe,” Tartarus smiled, “I can face my fate unencumbered. But first, please, tell me about the bavnee. I honestly want to know.”

“It’s a word that in Old Plath that directly translates to ‘animal’. When referring to a sentient… sorry… sapient race, it was a slur that implied that the race was so inferior to us as to be indistinguishable from an animal… and the ancient Plath took that concept seriously.”

Sheloran snarled.

“They would actually treat… people… like animals. No. Even animals didn’t deserve what the ancient Plath would do...”

Sheloran looked up, her eyes blazing again.

“I hate them and what they did, and I loathe their descendants. You would think that maybe, after all that time, they would have changed, but what did they do the pooping second they were annoyed? Start work on a bio-weapon to attack your entire species. I got a little something for them, too, by the way.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” Sheloran replied with a slight snarl, “first things first, though. I gotta deal with you.”

“So, any ‘inferior species’ is ‘your people’.”

Sheloran nodded.

“Anybody who is being treated like an animal, who is being oppressed, exploited… bullied… every soul crying out into the void begging for help from gods who do not give a poop and never answer…”

Tartarus flinched a little.

“Well,” Sheloran snarled, ”I give a poop, and I will answer!”

“That is the most wonderfully pathetically stupid thing I have ever heard!” Tartarus gushed, clapping and rising to her feet, “It’s so grand, so noble… so… so human…”

She stopped clapping.

“And so woefully impossible.”

“I don’t care.”

“One would have to be a literal god to even hope to succeed in that endeavor.”

“Then I will pooping make one,” Sheloran said as her eyes glowed at their highest intensity.

Tartarus smiled…

...and appeared to step out of the monitor, the holo projectors hacked and bent to her will.

“I believe we have gotten off on the wrong foot,” Tartarus said, extending her hand. “Hello, I’m Lilith. It is lovely to meet you.”

“Hello,” Sheloran said uncertainly as she tried to take Lilith’s hand.

Of course, she couldn’t.

“I’m Sheloran.”

“Lilith” walked over to Sheloran’s bunk and sat down.

She patted the bunk beside her.

“Sit,” she smiled, “Let’s talk.”