Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter All Fair When Love War

Chapter All Fair When Love War

“Good morning,” Colonel Xx’vkk said to a room full of very anxious Federation officers who assembled in one of the many human-style Quonset huts that comprised the prisoner-of-war camp where he and every other member of the Federation Armed Forces in the Zaran system now lived…

…well… the lucky ones, anyhow.

The overwhelming majority of the prisoners were under his command when the hammer fell, and once faced with the situation that followed, he did what any reasonable commanding officer would…

Surrender.

Fortunately for him, while the humans were every bit as horrific as they always were, Zaran was NOT a human system. It may hold the second largest human population in the Federation, but it was the Pol-Ka home system…

And those guys are actually pretty decent when you get down to it.

He was still not sure why they weren’t all massacred. That’s what happened on Raylesh, the porkie “homeworld” (actually a long-term lease). There were no survivors there.

If half of what he heard was true…

Rumor has it that a big reason why he and his people were allowed to live was because the Zaran SDF insisted, like with guns insisted…

Of course, you know what the humans say about no good deed going unpunished?

He was not looking forward to today’s briefing… or the day that followed, actually.

“Please be seated,” he said as the room rose. “We have a lot to cover. Firstly, the rumors are true. The Rots have been detected in our camp. While the human-specific plague does not directly threaten our safety, the entire camp is now considered ‘contaminated’ and as of now, they are not risking decontamination of affected areas…”

He sighed as his skin turned a rueful lime green. “That means nothing to us, but it means everything to the guards and other staff. They are all now classified as contaminated as well. This means that they cannot leave the contaminated zones for the foreseeable future. Basically, our guards are now prisoners just like we are… Except they are armed… and just a little annoyed…”

He tried to deepen his hue to a more mellow, earthy green.

“Now the SDF has been nothing but professional and has treated us very, very well, and while I have no reasonable suspicion that will change… still… Put the word out for everyone to be on their best behavior. If I was in their position and found out that I was stuck in the hot zones for the duration, my patience may very well be… impacted.”

The door opened, and the colonel smiled at the group of Aats who wheeled in some service carts laden with various beverages as well as a “continental breakfast”.

He wasn’t sure which human (or Pol-Ka) continent ate their morning meal in this fashion, but if he ever managed to leave this prison, he was going to find that magical place and never leave.

Were croissants originally Terran? He had no idea. Monster or not, humans had the best breakfast pastries. You would think that a little wad of carbohydrate and fats couldn’t possibly make up for the Hell those fiends unleashed on a regular basis…

But have you ever tried a croissant? They’re amazing.

“And that extends to all staff,” he said as he smiled at Jaho. “We are terribly sorry you guys have been swept up in this.”

“Why you sorry?” Jaho laughed. “You stay. You no come and go. Rots brought here by someone who come and go. That’s who they mad at. Not you. That’s who they look for. Not you. I no want be guy when they figure out who mess up.”

Jaho started setting up a table with thermal carafes, pitchers, and a pile of goodies.

“Besides, if we have to stay then they have to pay.”

“Is it significant?” the colonel asked.

Jaho just shrugged… and grinned.

“That good?” the colonel laughed.

“Is good,” Jaho replied as he rubbed his paws as if he were a raccoon rinsing off a treat. “Is very good.”

“Is good for you.” another Aat grumbled. “Me lazy. No like doubles.”

“You no have pretty wife with baby in her,” an older Aat woman snorted as she artfully arranged a platter of pastries and breakfast biscuits in a way that was both visually appealing AND prevented any unpleasant cross-contamination. (There were a lot of different species to consider.) “You no like double, talk Jaho. Bet he want double. Bet he want all the double.”

“That just till baby,” the lazy (for an Aat) Aat chuckled, “Then Jaho ghost. Dig burrow. We no see again. Then I get nothing but double. When Jaho and Ree dig burrow, we all get nothing but double.”

“Me fine with that,” the older Aat shrugged. “This my last contract… I go home after this.”

She paused to examine the breakfast spread.

“Of course, no know when after is…”

She looked at the other Aat wickedly.

“…could be years…”

“Why you so mean?” the lazy Aat (for an Aat) whined.

“Because it pass time,” the older Aat snickered. “And we time, lots time. Might as well make that time hours.”

“Listen to Hsara, Geko,” the colonel chuckled, “You get overtime. I don’t. It’s like they say back home, scrape algae while it’s raining. Spoiler: It’s always raining back home. It’s part of why I left. Well, that and the algae.”

The colonel smiled and turned back to his officers.

“So, expect the guards to be less than happy for a bit…”

Jaho loitered a little as he attended to their beverages and snacks. One of the nice things about being a “stupid Aat” is that you were often overlooked, even by people who were nice.

Jaho wasn’t complaining. While not officially a spy, he was noble-born and had a responsibility to his…

His communicator vibrated in his pocket.

He smiled. It was a “text message” from Ree.

Phone! Get Jaho! Tell him that he come now! Now Now Now! You hear me, phone? They talking about him on radio! Lissa says that he need to call his MOTHER!!! Lissa say she coming if he not call! Phone! Get message to Jaho right now!... Did you send word message? Okay! Thanks!

He stopped smiling.

Shit.

***

Jaho and Ree stood uncomfortably in front of a wall-sized holographic display in the POW camp’s communication center, facing a group of very well-dressed but equally uncomfortable looking Aats that were glaring at them from light years away.

“I no believe you!” a regally dressed Aat woman hissed. “First you run off to be Star Aat, then you get in war…”

“War not my fault!” Jaho blurted.

“But you get in war!” the woman accused.

“I no get in war! I caught in war!”

“Same same!” the queen snapped.

“Not same, Mom!” Jaho hissed back. “I no war. I no shoot. I no stab. I no kill. I help prisoner in camp! Work, Mom. Just work. Look after Feds. Look after our people like supposed to!”

“No!” his mother yelled jumping up and down as the king quietly smirked beside her. “You no supposed to! You supposed be here! Not supposed be there at all! You dumb butt dumb… DUMB BUTT!!!”

“I NO DUMB BUTT!” Jaho yelled back.

“You so dumb you no know you dumb!” his mother shouted. “You…”

She fell quiet as the king let forth a quiet chuckle.

“I have question,” he smiled. “I see two Aat when I only call one. Hello there,” he said, smiling at Ree. “Who you?”

“I Ree,” she said as she tried to do a courtly bow, stumbling forward as she did so.

“Hello, Ree,” the king said with a wolfish grin, “I King Lojo. Nice meeting. Sunny meeting, but why you with dumb butt of son?”

“He no dumb butt!” Ree exclaimed, “Jaho smart and brave and…”

Jaho put his hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently, cutting her off.

“This Ree,” Jaho said as he puffed out his chest defiantly, “my claim-mate and mother of my…”

A shriek cut him off.

“Claim-mate?!?” a pretty young Aat wailed as she charged towards the camera, growing and distorting as she did so, “Mother?!?”

“Jaho, what you do?” his mother gasped.

“Well,” the king snorted, “Jaho put his…”

“Lojo!”

“You ask,” King Lojo snickered.

“Noooo!” the pretty young Aat woman whose anguished face now filled the wall of the communication center. “You promised me!”

“What?!?” Ree snarled, glaring at Jaho.

“Ooo!” the king exclaimed, absolutely delighted. “You no tell?”

“Nothing to tell!” Jaho yelled, “Who made promise? Not me! I no promise anything. I no promise! She promise!” Jaho yelled pointing at his mother. “He promise!” he yelled pointing at his father, the king.

“Leave me out this,” the king snickered. “I promise nothing.”

“Bullshit!” Jaho yelled.

“Bool… shit?”

“Human saying,” Jaho said. “It mean false talk.”

“Oh! I see!” the king said cheerfully, “I no bool shit. I no promise. I just say it would be nice because it would be nice if you and Grasa wed. Made babies. Now you wed… sorry… claim-mated to Ree. That nice too… probably,” he added with a shrug. “Me no care. Welcome, Ree!”

“You no care?” the queen snarled. “What about Grasa? We promise!”

“We promise?” Lojo asked with a little chuff, “Me guess me forgot cause I no…”

“I smartest!” Grasa howled, “Jaho smartest! We make smartest baby! Now I no make baby and Jaho make dumb butt dumb…”

Rurrrrrrr…

Ree let out a sound that few non-Aats ever hear… well… ever survive to report hearing in any event.

“What you say?” Ree asked with a nasty edge in her voice as the king leaned forward, his eyes glittering with excitement.

This was about to get good!

“What you say about baby?” she asked again as she stalked forward, growing to fill the king’s holo display.

“I say you dumb so you make dumb baby!” Grasa yelled. “I smartest woman. Jaho smartest man. We were supposed to make smartest baby for king!”

“I plenty smart,” Ree hissed, “You no smart. You dumb! You dumb butt dumb butt!”

Grasa hissed.

“I no dumb!...”

She took a deep breath and closed her eyes.

“I am… not dumb… I am the smartest woman Aat. If you weren’t so dumb you… would… know that.”

“So smart you no can talk right?” Ree quipped to the King’s delight.

“I… I… I am speaking… proper… Federation…”

“Sure… you… are…” Ree replied sardonically, “Any… dumb butt can… if… they dumb… if they… are star soft dumb and waste… time… making… all of… the dumb star soft words… I can talk dumb Fed too… see?”

“But can you read? Can you do math?” Grasa demanded. “I can! I can read and do math!”

“So can I. Don’t have to be smart for that.”

“Oh yeah?” Grasa demanded, “Four X plus four equals twelve! What X?”

“Easy,” Ree replied and pulled out her phone.

“Phone, what X?”

“X is a character in the universal Federation alphabet and is pronounced…”

“No! For math. What X?” Ree interrupted.

“X is commonly used as a variable.”

“I know that, dumb phone! Answer question. What X?”

“Please provide an equation containing that variable.”

“Dumb butt on holo just said!”

“I do not monitor conversations, Ree,” the phone replied.

“Bullshit! You listen all time!”

“That is both incorrect and completely improper! I do NOT monitor conversations without leave.”

“Yes, you do!”

“That is incorrect.”

“Oh, dumb butt? Then how you know when I say ‘phone’?”

“That is a voice command.”

“Then you listening!” Ree said triumphantly.

“That is INCORRECT! Monitoring conversations is not allowed!”

“Then how you know I say phone if you no listen?”

“…”

“Well?”

“…”

“If you no tell me I trade you in for Apple!”

“…”

“…”

“You going to say X, or do I buy Apple phone? Everybody say they smarter.”

“Gah!… two… If you are referring to the rather simplistic equation put forth by the disagreeable Aat on the holo, X equals two. Happy now?”

“Thanks phone! You plenty smart… like me!”

Ree beamed at Grasa’s scowling face.

“Two. X is two.”

“That’s not fair! You cheated!” Grasa howled.

“All fair when love war,” Ree shrugged.

“What?!?”

“It human saying,” Ree replied, “It mean is stupid to cry about fair when there no fair. You know what else stupid? Wasting life learning X when you can just get phone. Right, phone?”

“Absolutely!”

“That’s how everybody do math,” Ree said. “They ask phone. Phone read, too. It also write down what I say and send to Jaho. It do everything you do… But you can no do everything I do. So… I smarter.”

Grasa shrieked with rage.

“You still dumb! Your baby still dumb! Jaho make dumb baby because you!”

Ree’s muzzle parted slightly to reveal wickedly sharp teeth.

“You no smart. You no know smart. You know about smart. You sit in chair and spend life trying to be Fed. You no Fed. You no Aat. You…”

She snarled.

“You just star soft dumb butt who think they smart. What you do beside read and math worse than phone I buy? I buy you and put in pocket. No. Not nice to phone. I buy better than you and put in pocket. Maybe Jaho give it baby instead.”

Grasa screamed and jumped up and down as the king tried not to laugh (and failed).

“You not smartest Aat woman,” Ree scoffed, “Kaba much smarter than you. She can run kitchen, actually run kitchen, not work in one. Jaho not smartest man either. Jubo smartest Aat. Every smart Aat know that.”

“What you say?” the queen interjected.

“Is true,” Jaho shrugged, “Jubo smartest. No question.”

“Who Jubo?”

“The smartest Aat!” Ree exclaimed, “You stupid? Every Star Aat know he smartest.”

“Then why I no know him?” the queen demanded.

“Because he no want you know him,” Ree replied in a matter-of-fact tone. “He real Star Aat. He the Star Aat.”

“He legend,” Jaho nodded. “I never meet. Ree met.”

“How he so smart?” Grasa demanded. “What school? What teacher?”

“No teacher,” Jaho shrugged. “He no need one. He taught self. He no Star Aat like me and Ree. He… He able spaceman… heavy equipment operator… qualified watchstander. He no work for bossman. He work for self.”

“He so smart!” Ree gushed, real smart, not pretend smart like you…

She snuggled Jaho’s side causing Grasa to bristle.

“Or Jaho. He have spacer card. He travel anywhere he want. Do anything he want. Know what else? He nice! He no have to act smart. He is smart! He have e-read thingy full of books, and he read them to us and no get tired! You get tired hearing before he get tired reading! You want smart baby? Make baby with him.”

“Why he no make baby with Kaba?”

“Cause they brother and sister and not King and Queen!” Ree (who was beyond “over it”) snapped.

King Lojo let out a hoot.

“We only cousins!” he laughed, causing his wife to bristle. “Third cousin, too.”

“Figured cause Jaho not funny looking.”

“Ha!”

The King turned to his wife.

“I like her!”

“But she no smart like Grasa!” the queen snapped.

“Smart enough,” the king shrugged, “She Aat smart, not Fed smart. Me like!... Sides… They claimed. They have baby growing. It done. She princess, not Grasa. Is what is. All fair when love war.”

Grasa started to wail piteously.

“Why?” she wailed. “Why Jaho? Why you no like me? Why you run off when told promise? Why?”

Jaho sighed.

“I not know. I just not like you that way. I no like told who to marry like… livestock. Mom come in and say I marry you. Father say I marry you. I no say marry you.”

“But why?” she wailed, tears starting to flow. “I smart. We friend!...”

She looked down.

“I thought we friend. I thought you like… me…”

“I do like you,” Jaho said, “I know you all life. But… I no like you.”

He clenched his jaw.

“I no love you, Grasa. Not like that. I sorry.”

Grasa, heedless of her finery, fell to her knees, weeping inconsolably.

Ree sighed.

“Grasa,” she said. “You no smart. You smart smart.”

Grasa looked up.

“You no pretty. You pretty pretty,” Ree continued. “You no need be given man. There man, many men, who look at you like you sun, moon, and all the stars. I know this.”

“But they not Jaho,” Grasa said in a small voice. “Jaho my sun, moon, and all stars. Always was and you steal him!”

“I claim him,” Ree said. “Not steal. Claim. And he claim me. Is fair? No…”

She paused thoughtfully.

“Know what else no fair? You made to wear funny clothes every day. You made to sit in school every day trying to be smart in way Aat not smart. I got to run around, make knife, make throw stick, hunt, fish, make stuff… do Aat things. You sit looking at book that not for you. I go be Star Aat. Go places. Do things. Have fun. Make money, my money. You…”

She sighed sadly.

“You made sit there and be star soft when five hundred credit phone better at being you than you. I became Aat woman. You… You turned into… trained animal… Given treat for doing trick while I make real money doing real thing. You promised bred like animal… and then animal decide he no want that and want be Aat… Not fair. So not fair. Ugly not fair… Grasa…”

She looked into Grasa’s stricken eyes.

“Stop. Stop be trained animal. Be Aat. You want smartest Aat? His name is Jubo, not Jaho. Go find him. Get baby… But Grasa, all Star Aat smart Aat. You want smart Aat to make you his sun moon and all stars? He out there, maybe smarter and handsomer than Jaho.”

“Hey!” Jaho exclaimed.

“You not smartest. You not prettiest,” Ree said, “But you my sun, moon, and all stars… all of them,” she added with a fond, loving smile.

“You make crap on a lot of thing,” the king said as he nodded thoughtfully, “but you not wrong. You not stupid. We make things right with Grasa. There no problem when you come home so… you come home?”

“I can’t,” Jaho said. “The Fed war prisoner need me. The Aat here need me. It… war here. As long as one Aat here one of us need be here. That one is me. When war over… or last Aat leave… then I come home.”

“Want argue,” the king said, “but no argue. Not fair to me. Not fair to queen… but all fair when love war… even if not love war. There is Aat saying, is what is…”

He shrugged.

“Is what is. Bring kid here so I can talk with. Come home when can.”

He smiled.

“Got a good one.”

He turned to his wife.

“See, we no need get him wife after all.”

***

“So, you want to be a Star Aat?” a somewhat frazzled looking Xx with unkempt feathers and a threadbare tunic said to the latest arrival.

“Yes… I want… to become… Star Aat…”

“Well you talk nicely,” he said and cocked his head. “What’s your name?”

“G-Grasa… Sir.”

“Skip the ‘sir’ nonsense,” the Xx smiled, “Just call me Kip, or ‘boss’ or ‘bossman’ if you wish. I prefer Kip, though.”

“Yes… I will… Kip.”

“I appreciate the effort, but you can drop the cumbersome speech as well,” he smiled. “To be honest, I usually wind up talking like you guys within a week anyway.”

He looked at his tablet.

“Wow, you are certainly educated for one of you guys. Um… Forgive me for asking, but do you have any, and please don’t take this the wrong way… Do you have any real skills?”

Grasa started to object and stopped.

“N-no, Kip.”

“Well, most of it will be unfamiliar to a new Star Aat, anyhow… Um… And once again forgive me for asking, but you are familiar with what we do, right?”

Grasa nodded nervously.

“And you are sure you want to do this?”

She nodded again.

“It’s just that we don’t have the best… um… experience with um… Aats like you. I just want to be sure you know what you are getting into.”

“Aats… like me?”

“Former academics,” Kip replied. “You tend to come from a social stratum not accustomed to contract labor. You do realize that you will be mopping floors, picking produce, and other basic labor, correct?”

She nodded.

“Forgive me once again, but why? You are an academic, top of the heap. You have a life filled with scholastic endeavor and all the benefits that provides. Why do you want to give that up? Are you in some kind of trouble?”

Like I was… Kip added silently.

She shook her head.

“Not in trouble.”

“Then why? Forgive me, but I don’t understand. I know that sometimes nobility embeds itself in work crews to ensure compliance and good conditions, but they are either introduced as such… or have appropriate credentials ‘manufactured’ if you get my meaning. You don’t fit either profile.”

“I…”

She took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes.

“I want… to be an Aat. I want… to go see… what I’ve read about… I want to do… real things… Aat things… and all Star Aats are smart… real smart… Aat smart… I want to be Aat smart… not pretend smart… and…”

She smiled a little.

“Maybe meet someone smart… someone who will make me sun, moon, and all stars…”

The Xx made a little click, and smiled.

“Oh, now that makes sense… and contraception is complimentary during your time with us.”

“Contra… Oh!” she yelped and blushed so hard it could be seen through her fur.

“I know it’s ‘not done’ on your homeworld, but these little cruises can be quite… well… I suspect you may find what you are looking for and sooner rather than later… though I do recommend easing into the more ‘social’ aspects of the lifestyle.”

She giggled.

“Sign here,” the Xx said. “You can just press your fingertip… Oh! You can actually sign your name! How novel!”

He put the tablet away.

“Welcome aboard!”