Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Intermission: The Beginning of the End

Chapter Intermission: The Beginning of the End

Councilor Karashel the sole representative of the Baleel species, emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, made her way to the large gardens in the courtyard of the Federation Council building. She was carrying a brightly colored Baleean lunchbox, a gift from her mother, but the day’s events had robbed her of any appetite. The assortment of pickles and starchy grains so anticipated when she packed them this morning held very little interest now.

She still couldn’t believe it. The Federation, her Federation, had actually arranged for a Terran bio-weapon to ravage the humans. “Arranged” was precisely the right term. Trusted members of the council entrusted to direct Emergency Response and Public Health had intentionally mismanaged the situation to the point that it could be called mass-murder.

Her people were outraged. She was outraged and she was even further outraged by everyone else not being outraged.

It wasn’t that she was fond of the humans, far from it. They didn’t have exactly the best reputation and the only “ambassadors” that they had sent to the Baleel’s home system promptly wound up in jail.

They also seem to be overly involved in the instigation of the horrific war with the Republic, a war that caused over a billion deaths across the Federation, most of them civilians.

This was being used unofficially to somehow justify what happened. This, was in Karashel’s opinion, a blatant and criminal attempt at manipulation and misdirection. They might have wanted war but they weren’t the ones who sent the ships, we were.

And she just sat there and let it happen without complaint, just like a good little member of the Benevolence Party was supposed to. She was dead set against that void-blessed war and she just…

Damn it. Damn it all and damn her for voting for it, just like the party said she should. All those deaths that her fellow councilors kept bring up today?

Those dead are our fault, not the humans... Ours!

And if everything wasn’t already bad enough, she had the void-blessed Terrans to thank for bringing this horror to light. The damned Terrans were doing a better job of looking out for the Federation than the Council was!

In a completely mystifying move, it seems that some Terrans, mortal enemies of the Federation humans (She absolutely refused to use the term “porkie”—The actual meaning of that term was horrible!), hacked the Federation (another outrage that nobody seems to be outraged about) and released the information that confirmed the suspicions that the Federation humans already had.

Why would the Terrans do that? It completely mystified her.

It was an intriguing question but completely overshadowed by other far more pressing ones. Why haven’t the councilors responsible for this outrage been arrested? Why haven’t there been attempts to correct the situation? Oh they say that corrections are being made but she wasn’t convinced. Neither were a lot of other councilors.

Far more importantly, neither were the humans.

Their reaction was actually quite reasonable under the situation. The Baleel would do much the same, at least she hoped they would.

And our response? Martial law and the dispatch of enough forces to shove them right back into those death camps!

With the blessing of her people, she recently switched parties to join the opposition party. She had just weathered quite the verbal lashing for it and the threats she received will keep her up for months but screw it.

Sometimes you just have to take a stand. What the Federation did and what it is doing is wrong.

Part of her hoped that the humans would somehow prevail. There was absolutely no chance of that though. When the Federation’s armored leg plates hit the human worlds and all of their major enclaves tomorrow it would be over.

That was why she just made the costly decision that she made yesterday. The councilors were the people’s, all people’s, representatives.

If they didn’t protect the people of the Federation, even the oily humans, then who would?

She took a deep breath, trying to relax as she undulated into the wonderfully landscaped gardens, one of her favorite places ever. The collection of plants and animals from countless worlds all carefully selected to be able to live together in harmony was nothing less than beautiful.

We might not be able to defend ourselves from the Terrans or protect our people from MASS MURDER but at least we can make something really pretty.

She winced. The past few days even robbed this place, her favorite place, of any appeal. Today, it… it nauseated her.

She wanted nothing more than to just quit, go home, and open that plant nursery she always dreamed about. It was a shame she couldn’t do that. She had a responsibility to her people and to the Federation. As tiny as her voice was at least it was something. She would at least stick it out until the crisis was over.

She sat at her favorite table and opened her lunch. After a few bites she set down her tongs with a sigh. She couldn’t eat. She packed her lunch back up and started to wander the grounds trying to clear her head.

As she undulated about she noticed Caw Itsheeh, the Xx councilor, standing next to a pond, feeding the fish. He looked… sad?… much different than the haughty, icy-cold, downright malicious fiend that walked through the council chambers with much the same air as someone walking through a manure-filled stockyard.

Approaching him would guarantee a scathing insult carefully calibrated to hurt whatever species he was addressing the most but she just had to. There was something that she just had to know, something worth the mental and emotional laceration that she would receive.

Besides, after the past few days part of her felt that at least whatever horrible thing he would say would be a nice distraction. She smiled to herself as she wondered whether it would hone in on their physical insecurities, their lack of wealth and power, or maybe something new, something about them that even they hadn’t considered.

Imagine! A whole new way to feel bad about myself! What the hell was wrong with her?

She caught his eye as she approached. Instantly, whatever was standing there before was replaced by the dreaded Caw Itsheesh before which councilors fled in terror. It was as if a winter gale started to blow and when she made eye-contact she wanted to turn and run.

“What?” he asked in a cool tone. Part of her was terrified. Another part was impressed. He had never spoken to her before. The sheer amount of disdain he could pack into a single syllable was astounding.

“Excuse me, councilor,” she stammered. “Could… could I ask you a question?”

“I hope that simple query isn’t beyond even your capacity,” the Xx replied with a flick of his brilliant blue crest, normally completely concealed amid the small iridescent dark purple feathers of his reptilian head.

“Um… yes… I… I wonder… I mean I would like to know...”

The Xx sighed.

“Once again, my hopes are dashed,” the Xx sneered and turned back to the fish. A disdainful flick of his slender fingers tipped with lacquered talons indicated that the conversation was over.

“Why do you hate us?” she blurted at the back of his head.

The Xx flicked his crest and turned to face her. She suppressed a real instinct to run as he “smiled” revealing wickedly sharp translucent almost crystalline looking teeth.

“Oh my dear, you misunderstand,” he almost purred. “I don’t hate you. I don’t hate anyone here.”

“You… you don’t.”

“Absolutely,” the Xx replied. “Hate requires effort, something that I wouldn’t deign to expend on your behalf. You… the emotion I feel when looking at you isn’t hate. It’s more akin to the feeling one gets when they step in excrement, unpleasant to be sure, but not hate.”

He’s right, she thought to herself in shame. Compared to him, to his race, we are just that, shit between his toes… Why did I even think I could talk to-… Wait just one void-kissed minute!

She took a second to collect herself. This is what he does, she reminded herself. She had even braced herself for this. He know exactly how to hit you. She was getting pretty damned tired of getting knocked around by the council and trampled by the bullies on it.

That stops today. Right here and right now. She was going to get a void-blessed answer out of him!

“But, why?” she asked holding her ground. “Why do you feel that way?”

Caw Itsheesh cocked his head curiously and actually looked at her. Once again she had to fight the urge to run as she shifted uncomfortably under his scrutiny.

“Why?” Caw Itsheesh asked. “What do you hope to get out of this? If it is finding out a way to gain our favor you won’t get it.”

“No,” she stammered, “It’s nothing like that. I… I just want to know.”

She fidgeted and looked away, unable to withstand his withering glare any further.”

“I’ve always wondered and… and… I just had to know… That’s all...”

The Xx’s crest raised to its full height as it growled slightly. It then stood there and silently looked directly into her eyes, dissecting her with his gaze. It took everything she had not to just flee in terror.

“That’s it?” Caw Itsheesh asked in a truly disturbing tone of voice. “You intruded on my meditations, my remembrance, just because you wished to wanted to know something? You dared to approach me, a member of a race that, relative to you, is so advanced that you are incapable of truly understanding how inferior you are simply because you ‘just had to know’ something?”

Oh this was a mistake, she thought in terror. I’ve never seen it look at anyone the way it is looking at me right now. Oh creators! Have I offended it? What will it do to me? Oh abyss! What will it do to us?

“I… I’m sorry...” she managed to stammer in a small voice.

“Don’t be,” the Xx said with that same tone. “A honest request for knowledge and knowledge alone from someone consumed with only the desire to know it is worth my effort. In fact, it is the only thing that has been worth my effort in quite awhile. My dear… what are you, exactly?”

“A… A Baleel, e… exalted one,” she stammered.

“First off I hold no special station or position,” he said pulling out a strange looking flat crystalline object. “I hold the same rank as you. Dispense with all of those fake titles. The only ones that use them are the ones licking my underside hoping that something might stick to their mouthparts,” it said as it tapped and drug his fingers on what appeared to be some sort of data tablet. “My name is Caw. Anything more is just a waste of my time.”

“Y-yes, sir,” she stammered.

“Sir is ok if you must,” he muttered as he continued to fiddle with the strange looking tablet. “However, I prefer ‘Caw’. Let’s see… Baleel… Baleel… Oh, here you are…” it said as it examined his tablet. “Hmm… About what I thought...” he muttered as he read.

After several long and very uncomfortable seconds he tucked his data tablet away.

“As I was saying, my dear Baleel,” the Xx said in that same scary voice, “The desire to acquire knowledge for its own sake is the purest motive for wishing to acquire it. I am happy to give you an answer. That knowledge might not be what you expect. In fact I seriously doubt you will be pleased with it once you receive it but that is often the case when one seeks knowledge...”

The Xx approached Karashel and “smiled” revealing those terrifying fangs again.

“And once gained knowledge is not easily forgotten,” he said. “Do you still want it, that knowledge, even if I guarantee that it will be of no use to you or your people and will be unpleasant to hear?”

“Y-yes.”

“Fair enough,” the Xx smiled. “I have already clarified that I, that we, do not ‘hate’ you. I assume that your question has now changed to ‘Why do we loathe you’. Yes?”

Karashel bobbed her body up and down in her species’s version of a nod.

“Then I have a question for you,” Caw said in that weird voice. “How long have you been a part of the Federation?”

“I… I don’t know,” Karashel said meekly.

“Ugh,” Caw said with disdain. “You could have at least known that. You have been a member of the Federation for one-hundred and eighty-three standard Federation years. There, a free piece of knowledge from an ‘Exalted One’. You should be grateful.”

“T-thank-”

“Oh be quiet,” Xx snapped. “One-hundred and eighty-three years, for one-hundred and eighty-three years you have had access to the accumulated knowledge and technology of the Federation.”

Xx stooped down to look her directly in the eyes. Karashel flinched.

“And in all of that time what have you contributed?”

“Contributed?”

“Yes,” Xx replied. “What has the Baleel contributed to that knowledge, that technology?”

“I don’t-”

“Nothing,” Xx said. “not one single advancement of any sort in any field.”

Caw shook his head disapprovingly.

“If we were guilty of such sloth, our entire race would sterilize itself out of shame, but not all races have been blessed by the Progenitors as we have. Simply copying the knowledge of your betters might be all your kind is capable of. It would be unfair to expect a truly deficient race to meet our standards,” he sneered. “Ok, so you've decided to just copy, just use what is handed to you. What have you accomplished with it?”

“A-acomplished?”

“Yes,” Caw replied. “You have been freely given so much. Science, mathematics, technology… You even have schematics and assembly diagrams! You can buy equipment, load in a design that someone else has already created, and push a button. You have everything you need to create a true post-scarcity society and more!”

He looked her gravely.

“Councilor, do you have a post-scarcity society?”

“A post-”

“Look it up!” Xx snapped. “The answer is no you don’t have one. That might be a bit overly ambitious though. How about something more simple, more direct, medicine? With all of the scientific theory, and equipment at your fingertips your medical science should be on par with any in the galaxy. Is it? The answer is a resounding no. Your medical sciences have benefited, to be sure, but only by default. Your doctors have learned to use scanners. Amazing!”

“But..”

“But nothing,” Caw replied. “Compared to where, even by the most forgiving of standards, it should be your medicine sucks. I could spend all day pulling up example after example in field after field but you Baleel have done nothing. You haven’t designed your own ships, you just copy pre-existing plans and that’s only for small shuttles. You have never built an FTL drive, not even a copy. Whatever starships that fly under your flag are purchased. What little industry you do have relies entirely on capital equipment that you buy and install. In the past one-hundred and eighty-three years you haven’t even designed a manufacturing facility! You have literally done nothing but copy, copy, copy and you barely do that.”

Karashel shifted uncomfortably. She could feel her skin temperature drop from embarrassment.

“As far as your knowledge goes,” Caw continued. “tell me, councilor, what are the five basic requirements for entering hyperspace?”

“I...”

“While I would love to say that every Xx knows that every race has its embarrassments,” Caw said disdainfully. “The five requirements are taught as part of our elementary school education! Tell me, do you even bother teaching them… at all?”

“Um...”

“’Um’ is right. Here’s an easy one,” Caw said. “Which quarks comprise a proton?”

Karashel just looked downward. She didn’t even know what a quark was.

“Creator’s tears,” Caw muttered. “One more chance and if you don’t get this one my opinion of the Baleel will do something I didn’t think possible. It will actually drop. What force much be overcome for fusion to occur?”

Karashel’s skin started to freeze with embarrassment. She didn’t know.

“You were never taught that, were you?” Caw said with pity in his voice.

“I’m not an engineer so-” she started to say defensively.

“Councilor, I am willing to make a one trillion credit bet with you,” Caw replied. “Are you willing to bet one trillion credits of your people’s money that if I call a random Baleel engineer he can answer all of the questions I just asked? We can do it right now.”

Karashel just looked down again. It was one thing to be told your race was the equivalent of shit between their toes. It was entirely another for it to be proven.

“I am going to be merciful and not tell you at which grade level those facts are taught,” Caw said in a gentle but disturbing voice. “I think I made my point.”

“But we aren’t an elder race! We-”

“And those aren’t elder concepts. Every single bit of that information is readily accessible to you. In fact, it’s pretty fundamental stuff,” Caw replied. “To be honest I would have been very pleasantly surprised if you got those questions correct. Getting all of them wrong was a bit surprising but, based on what we have come to expect from the Federation, far from a shock. You were quite wise not to cover that bet by the way. Misplaced pride has put more than one race in a very awkward situation. In case you are wondering I just let them sweat for a few days and then tell them that we will forgive the debt in exchange for that species never, ever speaking to us again for any reason.”

Caw chuckled.

“Oh the looks on their faces when they think we are serious about collecting, it never gets old! Anyway, do you see where I’m going here? Do you see the point I’m trying to make?”

“Y-yes...”

“Good,” Caw said with a smile. “Now we can get into why we really don’t like you.”

“There’s more?!?!” she asked in horror.

“Oh my little Baleel, we are only getting started,” Caw said with a wicked toothy grin, “but I’m no sadist. I just hate constantly stepping in shit. Is your hunger for knowledge satisfied or do you want to continue? Do you really want to know the rest?”

“I asked why you hated us and if this isn’t why then I have to know what is.”

Caw nodded approvingly.

“You aren’t the first sophont to ask but I have always lost them around this point, if they lasted that long. You might be as ignorant as a stone at least you are keen. I’ll give you that much,” Caw said in that strange tone that Karashel was starting to think was his actual voice. “Hmm… Yes. I know,” he said as he flicked his crest happily.

“I think a field trip is in order. Come on,” he said gesturing her to follow.

“But lunch is almost over and it's an emergency session!”

“What’s more important,” Caw asked, “some ‘vital’ council business or getting your question answered?” Caw started to walk away and said over his shoulder, “I’m not wasting my time twice.”

Karashel looked anxiously over at the council building for a moment and then rushed to catch up.

Caw didn’t look back but he heard her “running” behind him and smiled.

***

As the pair left the building a sleek, beautiful, grav-car pulled up beside them and the doors opened. Caw climbed in and gestured for Karashel to follow.

She looked around in amazement. She had never been in something so beautiful, so elegant, so advanced, so… so wow.

“Is this one of your embassy’s vehicles?” she asked in amazement and then winced at the stupid, obvious question.

“This?” Caw chuckled as he entered an address, “This is my personal vehicle. I had it shipped over. As far as diplomatic status is concerned we have found that the sight of us is protection enough.”

“This is yours?” she said in surprise. “How mu-” she caught herself. She was about to rudely ask how much it cost.

“Oh you primitives and your money,” Caw smiled. “It would be cute if it wasn’t so troublesome. It cost me nothing. By your definition, it was ‘free’.”

“Wha?” she stammered.

“Post-scarcity, primitive,” he laughed. “Might want to look into it.”

Caw leaned back and pulled out his tablet.

“Shall we continue?” he asked.

As the vehicle’s auto-navigation system guided them through the city streets Karashel was treated to a long, agonizing conversation where Caw, in brutal detail, further discussed the Baleel’s shortcomings as a species.

It was horrible.

“… and with everything at your disposal over five percent of your population still lives in what is easily classified as abject poverty. Not good, primitive, not good at all… And while we are on the subject of poverty...”

She could do nothing but wince and wiggle uncomfortably as she weathered what was no longer an indictment of her people — it was a demonstration. He was now mercilessly and quite thoroughly proving that they were garbage.

“Don’t feel too badly,” Caw said as he offered her a cup from a built-in beverage dispenser. “You actually compare quite favorably to the rest of the Federation. Aside from your absolutely pathetic education you are solidly in the top twenty-five percent.”

What?

“For example, let’s start with the Z’uush...”

As she listened in absolute horror as Caw starting to talk about the bottom twenty-five—she had absolutely no idea! She was going to have a quite difficult time not physically attacking some of her “esteemed colleagues” when she got back.

The thought was idiotic. What was she going to do, wiggle on top of them and spank them with her radula? The image of her on top of one of the Kaarst councilors with her tongue raised in righteous fury flashed across her mind.

She couldn’t help but let out a little giggle.

Caw glared at her.

Oh shit...

“You find this amusing?” he snapped.

“No… sorry...” she replied quite nervously. “I just had a funny thought, that’s all.”

“Please enlighten me,” Caw replied with utter disgust. “Please tell me what you could possibly find funny? Are you so bored, so disinterested, that you feel the need to entertain yourself?” he asked with genuine irritation.

“No, it’s-”

“Then what?” he asked sharply.

As Karashel started to very nervously and reluctantly explain, Caw broke out into a loud screech, his crest raised to his fullest extent.

Oh no! she thought in complete terror. I blew it! I had the chance of a thousand lifetimes, a private audience with an elder race and I angered them! He’s right, I am a moron!

As Caw continued to screech she wondered if shame would be enough to convince a Baleel physician to sterilize her.

I just told him that not only are we hopeless, deep down we are also violent… I should just throw myself off of the council chambers and be done with it.

“If you do ever succumb your bestial rage,” Caw said, gasping for air, “be sure to check that your victim isn’t enjoying it!”

Caw turned to her and patted her top in what her race would consider a friendly manner.

“Karashel,” he said, “now you are starting to understand.”

“We are fucking scum! We are letting this happen!… I am letting this happen!... Fuck them and fuck me too!” Karashel , no longer able to contain her anger, shouted and then caught herself, looking over at Caw in complete horror. She had just uttered base profanity in front of an Xx. She uttered it to the void-humping Xx councilor!

“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Kara,” Caw said patting her again. “We’re letting it happen too.”

“But, why?” she asked. “Why are you allowing this? Do you hate… sorry… loathe us that much?”

“What are we going to do, invade?” Caw said with a shrug, “Should we wage war upon the entire Federation? Even we aren’t that powerful and refuse to maim ourselves to the extent it would take to become so. Like it or not the Federation charter allows, within some very easily gamed or ignored guidelines, complete freedom for a member system to ‘write its own destiny’. Without completely tearing down and rebuilding the entire system from scratch there is nothing to stop the Z’uush, Kaarst, and countless others from doing exactly what they please… including allowing homeless to starve on their streets… Kara...”

Tear it down and rebuild the whole system from scratch... The words quietly slid into Karashel's soul.

“Yeah, we suck. You’ve made that quite clear,” Karashel replied angrily and looked out the window. The beautiful streets and buildings of the capital city she was used to had given way to shabby narrow ways and a motley assortment of structures. Where were they going?

She was afraid to ask her next question but, once again, she simply had to know.

“But surely you could do something,” she said, “You are an elder race! People respect you! Your voice could-”

“Be completely ignored,” Caw replied with a sneer. “Oh everyone begs and pleads for our ‘wisdom’ but when our fucking ‘ancient knowledge’ involves actual effort or won’t turn someone an immediate profit they tend to lose interest very quickly.”

He looked out the window and let out a warbling sigh.

“We chose to join the Federation out of convenience, not out of any altruistic urge,” Caw said after a few seconds. “Even so, we had hoped we could… bah… nevermind...”

Tear it all down and rebuild...

“The opposition party!” Karashel exclaimed. “We are trying to make a real difference! If you joined us maybe together we-”

Caw let out a coughing screech.

“Oh you adorable little hatchling,” Caw said, patting her fondly, “let me tell you about your precious ‘opposition party’...”

A few minutes later as Karashel, disillusioned to the point of heartbreak, silently looked out the window.

Tear it all down...

As she continued to look out at what had now become slums that further illustrated Caw’s point, the grav-car finally stopped in front of a run down masonry-block building.

The doors opened.

“Were are we?” Karashel asked. “What are we doing here?”

As Caw was climbing out of his grav-car he turned to her.

“I am about to show you a race that we actually respect more than almost any other.” Caw replied. “Not only that but I’m about to introduce you to a personal friend of mine. Come on.”

Karashel got out and looked around with seething anger. This was not the sort of neighborhood you wanted to be in at any time of the day. With all our wealth, all of our technology, all of our power, people still had to live like this, even in their capital.

Tear it all down...

“You won’t die between here and the door, Kara,” Caw snorted completely misinterpreting her delay. “Let’s go.”

Karashel started to head towards the door.

“Not that one,” Caw said and then walked into an alleyway.

Steeling what little nerves her race had she followed him into the alley. Soon she was standing at a side entrance with strange glyphs on the door. She had never seen anything like them before. What ancient race inscribed them?

“Now be polite,” Caw said sternly, “They are pretty thick-skinned but I am not, especially when my friends are slighted.”

He opened the door and walked in. Wondering what mysterious race she was about to encounter she nervously followed. Once inside she looked around curiously trying to find whatever elder, ancient, or notable race Caw had brought her to meet.

There was nothing in there but some Aats. She raised her body up and stretched her eye-stalks to peer over them, looking for who they came to meet.

“Keej! Ha gara keek keek.” Caw said cheerfully to an Aat behind a counter.

“Keej! Ku Xx. Juu lor Bujo?” the Aat, possibly female?, replied casually.

“Sh. Bujo sr k?”

“Jee!” the Aat squeaked. “Surj kalo.”

Their mystifying conversation continued in a language that, no matter how she adjusted her translator, she couldn’t understand.

Caw pulled out a bag from his coat and handed it to her. The Aat eagerly opened the bag and squealed happily pulling out beautiful iridescent dark purple feathers… Xx feathers!

The Aat quickly climbed over the counter and gave Caw a hug. Karashel gasped. That Aat just dared to touch an Xx, the poor thing! There was no telling what Caw do her for that insult.

When Caw returned the hug she gasped again.

“Now please you stop try pluck me when back turned every time?” Caw chided.

“Your fault for being pretty pretty,” the Aat replied as she playfully tugged at one of his feathers.

“Hey!” Caw screeched as the room broke into laughter.

He turned to Karashel.

“Apologies for speaking in a language you did not know,” he chuckled. “The Aat’s language is very challenging and I like to keep in practice.”

“It’s the Aats,” Karashel said with a chuckle. “You brought me here to meet the Aats.”

“I was expecting more of a reaction,” Caw replied with an amused flick of his crest.

“At this point,” she replied, “you still expect me to be shocked by you? Just demonstrate your point, I honestly want to know.”

Caw looked at her intently. Deciding that she was in fact sincere he “smiled”.

“Very well,” he said, “But first some more abuse.” He turned to the Aat that was now sitting on the counter staring happily into the bag she received.

“Hey, Skalee, tell my friend here the joke about the candle.”

“No. Not nice. Me nice.”

“But you one who told me.”

“Not nice telling it to her. Telling you, funny. Telling her, mean.”

“Fine,” Caw chuckled, “I mean. I tell her.”

He turned to face Karashel.

“Tell me, Kara,” he smiled. “How many Feds does it take to light a candle?”

Karashel just sighed and retracted her eyestalks a little. As the entire room looked at her expectantly.

“Well?” Caw asked.

“What’s a candle?”

The room burst into squealing laughter.

“You steal joke!” Skalee squealed with delight. “Clever clever!”

“No.” Karashel sighed. “I honestly have absolutely no idea what a candle is.”

The room fell into a shocked silence.

“...You still smart...” Skalee said with pity in her voice. “Just star-soft. Not dumb.”

“No we aren’t,” Karashel replied. “The whole point of this excursion was to prove that.”

“Eshpurson?”

“Trip,” Karashel replied. “It’s a word ‘star-soft’ people use for a trip.”

“That’s mean,” Skalee said glaring at Caw. “You too mean.”

“You deal with star-soft dumb butt all day,” Caw replied. “You turn mean too.”

“Never be where turn mean,” Skalee said, “Be there stupid stupid.”

“Yes. Stupid.” Caw replied. “Very stupid but stupid before now stuck.”

Skalee patted Caw consolingly. “It ok. You be nice here. Take bath in nice. Wash mean off.”

“Why you think I here so much?” Caw laughed. “You have sunny day!”

“You too!”

He turned to Karashel.

“The punchline is ‘None, because they are stupid.’”

“Yeah, kinda figured that out, but what is a candle?”

“I only agreed to answer one question. I’m not an encyclopedia.”

“An encyclopedia?”

Caw facepalmed.

“Just… Don’t,” Karashel sighed. “I’ll look it up.”

Caw flicked his crest and smiled. That was the right answer.

“Let’s go out back and we will finally get to the main reason that we don’t like you.”

“THERE’S MORE?!?!?”

“Oh yes, hatchling, there’s more,” Caw snickered as he headed towards the back entrance.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” she muttered as she undulated after him.