Tales From the Terran Republic

Chapter Sheloran Goes to Court!

Chapter Sheloran Goes to Court!

I had to sit in a holding area for a while. Scum! It felt like forever. Everyone in there was going to see this Judge Dredd guy and they were all really scared. I was ok until I got in there but after hearing all the stuff they were saying boy was I pooping terrified.

I really hoped my lawyer knew what he was talking about because the stories were flushing scary!

A pooping forever later they called my name and led me into this funny looking room with a big chair on this raised platform in it.

I saw my lawyer and boy was I pooping relieved.

Then I looked over at the other table. There was this guy sitting there and both of those nasty detective poo-heads from the night I got arrested. They both looked over at me and made these nasty sneering faces like they had just pooped themselves and liked it.

I still was flushing mad at them and seeing them just scalded my little pooper something awful.

They led me over to my lawyer.

“Grab a seat,” he said with what I now know is a reassuring look.

I sat down next to him.

“Those are the detectives who pooping grilled me,” I whispered, “They said all sorts of lies about me.”

“Yeah, I know,” Baxlon said blowing a few bubbles, “It’s a good thing.”

“But they are going to say bad stuff about me,” I whispered.

“And they just put themselves where I can clamp my jaw on their tits,” he whispered. “I am going to rip their fucking guts out, just you watch,” he said with a wink. “Hey, I just realized you don’t know how this works,” Baxlon said quietly to me. “We talk in turns. They are going to go first and say all sorts of bullshit and lay out their case against you. Then it will be my turn and I will rip them into fucking shreds.” He then turned to look me in the eyes. “No matter what they say, no matter how much they lie, no matter how big a pile of bullshit they shovel out there do not say a fucking thing. Just sit here and keep your mouth shut. The more lies and bullshit they give me the more I will have to shove right up their asses. Trust me. I’ve done this before and I know exactly what I am doing.”

We sat there for a minute and then a door opened behind the big chair. Everybody stood up so I did too. I guess it was the right thing to do because nobody yelled at me.

“Goddammit… Fuck…” this angry voice said from behind the door and then this really weird looking guy in a long robe backed into the room pulling at something. He had a metal arm and legs and a bald head with wires stapled to it!

“Finally! Shit!” he grumbled as he started dragging a big cable into the room. It was going into his pooping robes! Dragging the cable he backed up some little steps and sort of dropped into the big chair.

When he did everyone else sat down too. I figured I better do the same. I guess I did ok because nobody said anything.

He just sat there looking down and fiddling with his robes. He reached down and yanked on that cable and drug some more of it up there with him. He finally looked up.

Oh flushing poop! Both of his eyes were gone! There was just some metal and glass where they used to be!

“Ok!” he shouted. “Let’s get this bullshit over with!” He swiveled his head over to look right at me. It made me feel really funny like he could see into me or something. Poop. Maybe he could.

“Hmmpf.” he said and looked away from me. He then looked over at Baxlon.

“Oh. It’s you.”

Oh poop! It sounds like he doesn’t like Baxlon. I started to get scared a little. I heard what happens to people this Judge Dredd person doesn’t flushing like. It’s not good.

“Good morning your honor!” Baxlon said with a wiggle. “How’s it hanging? Wait. Is it still attached?”

I looked over at Baxlon in horror. Had he lost his pooping mind?

“Keep it up and you’ll find out you bottom feeding piece of shit!” He growled. “Fuck. You are the last thing I wanted to see here. Are you representing this Plath person?”

“No, I’m just sitting here next to her with her data projected on my globe for no reason.”

Oh poop! Baxlon was just sitting there talking back to the pooping Judge! Oh poop!

“Hmmpf. Fucking fish motherfucker...” Judge Dredd said as he looked up into space. “Ok, prosecutor, what has this little frog looking thing done to offend the state so much you want to get rid of her?”

The prosecutor rose holding a tablet. The detectives both looked over at me with that same “I’m sitting in my own poo and I like it” looks. Scum! They are such bad people! I pooping hate bullies!

“Your honor, the Plath known as Sheloran was arrested under the suspicion of dealing in pirated media in the parking lot of Sam’s Coffee Shop in the free port district. Upon her arrest she was found in possession of a burner which she freely admitted to Detectives Sullivan and Marsh seated here,” he said as he indicated them with a wave of his hand and they both nodded. “that she willfully manufactured in clear violation of laws regulating weapons manufacture and sale. That in addition to her entrance interview where she freely admits to a host of serious and violent offenses, offenses that have been independently verified, clearly indicates her dangerous and violent nature. Also according to testimony from the detectives here today she was argumentative and aggressive during questioning and refused to cooperate with even the simplest...”

Oh poop the were just going on and pooping on about me trying to make me look so flushing bad! I want to jump up and call them all liars but Baxlon said to just sit there so that’s what I did. I looked over at Baxlon and oh poop! He was just lying there in his globe stock still and stretched straight out like a flushing board.

Something was pooping wrong! Something was really flushing wrong. I just pooping knew it! I couldn’t stand it and I leaned over to him.

“What’s going on?” I whispered.

“Nothing, shut up.”

“Something is wrong, what’s wrong?”

“I said shut the fuck up,” he whispered. No bubbles, no wiggle, nothing. Just a deathy little hollow whisper.

“What! What the poop is going on!” I whispered as I tapped his globe.

“He’s calm… Now shut the fuck up! This is fucking serious!” he hissed as he shook me a little.

“Problem, counselor?” Judge Dredd said in a polite tone.

“Nothing, your honor,” Baxlon said just as polite as I have ever heard him talk, “Forgive us, your honor, my client is not fully aware of proper courtroom etiquette.”

“Do you need a minute, counselor?”

“N-no, your honor, I have instructed her in proper behavior,” he said as he glared at me, “and she will behave herself.”

“Good to hear,” the Judge said with a smile. “Sorry, prosecutor, please continue.”

“Yes, your honor, once incarcerated she only further demonstrated her dangerous and unpredictable nature not only engaging in a violent altercation resulting in the hospitalization of a human but did so in such a violent frenzy that it required multiple applications of a regulation prison pacification rod to safely subdue her, many more than one would think necessary.”

“Hmm, you don’t say,” Judge Dredd replied as he looked over at Sheloran, “Surprising, she doesn’t look like much. You can tell she got roughed up pretty good though.”

I was totally pooping caught off guard! They weren’t supposed to bring that up! Poop! I looked over at Baxlon.

“It was self defense!” I whispered, “And the warden said-”

“Shh!” Baxlon said to me grabbing me with one of his metal pincer thingies. “I will strangle you myself if you say one. More. Word.”

“Your honor, her injuries are trifling compared compared to her victim.”

“You don’t say. Show me,” Judge Dredd said gruffly. The prosecutor handed a tablet to this other person who carried it to the judge.

Judge Dredd started laughing a little.

“Oh shit! Look at that! Oh that poor tit!” He started then looked over at me. “Jesus, kid. What the fuck did you do?”

“I-” I started to say something and Baxlon grabbed my arm. Ow, that hurt a little.

“She reflexively bit her assailant during a potentially deadly attack, an attack for which she was found entirely not-”

“Counselor, while your client may not be aware of how this works, you most certainly should be.” the Judge said cutting him off. “You will have ample time for your rebuttal.”

Baxlon made a little squeak as he fell silent. What the poop! He squeaked! He flushing squeaked! Oh my pooping oil soaked pool! He pooping squeaked!

“One hell of a bite you got on you little frog,” the Judge said to me. I know I should be more scared but when he called me little frog it reminded me of the guys and I felt a little better.

“Thank you, your-” Baxlon flushing pinched the poop out of me! I couldn’t help but yelp.

Judge Dredd just chuckled a little when I did. The prosecutor started to talk but the judge just held up his hand.

“Wait a moment, prosecutor. I’m fetching some details about this… Hmm… Ok, let me get this straight,” Judge Dredd said with a smile. “Are you telling me that Sheloran over here, this little plath, just decided to attack three humans completely on her own in a corridor that is a blind spot, a building deficiency that she only had hours to discover?”

“Your honor,” the prosecutor replied, “I am merely trying to make the court aware of the incident as further proof of her dangerous and violent nature.”

“Ah,” Judge Dredd said nodding politely. “I understand completely. Please continue.”

“Yes, your honor. Also during the single day that she was in the general population of the maximum security wing she, according to informants, not only freely admitted to the events in her greatly minimized entrance interview but also freely provided detailed instruction on the commission of the crimes described advising other hardened criminals how to further improve their craft.”

Ooohhhh poooop… I did do that… Poop! It sounded so bad when he said it!

I heard a boiling sound and turned over to see Baxlon’s not only filled with bubbles but water actually splashing out of the closed lid a little. He spun around in his globe and glared at me like he wanted to kill me.

DID YOU DO THIS? DID YOU FUCKING DO THIS? suddenly appeared in glowing green letters on the side of his globe facing me.

I just looked at him helplessly.

“I was scared!” I whispered. “They asked! What was I supposed to do?” I whispered urgently.

IDIOT!!!! appeared in glowing red letters. Oh poop! Oh my flushing waterlogged poop! He was really flushing mad at me!

Judge Dredd was looking over at us with a little smile.

The prosecutor was still going on and on about how the information I provided had spread and I had in just a few short hours increased the skill and thus the threat of dozens of dangerous violent criminals posed to the Republic. He kept going on and on about it. Poop! I glanced over at Baxlon. He wasn’t even looking at me. He was just bumping his nose on the side of his tank over and over.

“In closing, due to the truly terrifying list of crimes both freely and cheerfully admitted to by Sheloran the Plath, the additional charges for which she is wanted in the Federation, her violent nature not only demonstrated during her interrogation but when it was actually put in practice during the vicious attack on a fellow prisoner, her willingness to educate criminals here in the Republic further increasing the threat to Republic safety, and her love of manufacturing deadly weapons that she is a danger to the Terran Republic and should be sent to the Federation where she will answer for her many crimes.”

Oh poop! That sounds terrible and even flushing worse, plenty of it was true! I was so pooping scared and Baxlon wasn’t looking confident at all. He was just staring at me. If looks could kill I would have died on the spot.

And those flushing detectives. They were just grinning those flushing poop sitting grins at me.

I wanted to cry. I really did. I almost did. I was so pooping scared.

“Your honor, before I make my rebuttal can I have just a minute with my client, please?” Baxlon said looking daggers at me with one of his eyes.

“No, counselor, you may not.”

Oh poop!

“But, your honor, It’s-”

“You will have ample time to speak with your client later, counselor.”

“Your honor, I insist!”

“And I said to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down! This fucking BULLSHIT has already wasted enough of my FUCKING TIME and I’m not wasting ANOTHER FUCKING SECOND OF WHAT LITTLE TIME I HAVE LEFT ON THIS FUCKING PLANET ON THIS!!! DO YOU FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOU LITTLE BOTTOM FEEDING SHITLOACH??!?!?” Judge Dredd yelled at him. He can yell really pooping loud I tell you! I wonder if he has a speaker implanted in there somewhere.

I looked at Baxlon. He seemed… relaxed? That didn’t make any pooping sense. I was getting confused and scared at the same time.

“Now prosecutor, thank you for your well crafted argument. It is without a doubt the best and shiniest PILE OF COMPLETE BULLSHIT I have encountered in a little while. Even though it is BULLSHIT I just had to hear it. I just fucking had to know how you were going to try to sell this,” Judge Dredd said with a grim smile. “One question. Did you just have a bad day when you threw this bullshit together or are you actually fucking retarded?” Judge Dredd glared at the prosecutor who started to slump a little.

I looked over. Those two detectives still looked like they were sitting in poop but they didn’t look like they were enjoying it anymore.

“Well, I asked you a question, prosecutor,” the judge said with an edge in your voice. “Are you fucking retarded or do you just not know your fucking job?”

“Your honor?”

“Oh I see, retarded.” Judge Dredd said with a smile. “Well kudos for the fucking District Attorney for hiring the disabled. I will make certain to let him know how fucking proud I am of him for giving someone with a few extra chromosomes a chance.”

Oh that prosecutor person didn’t like that.

Judge Dredd turned to Baxlon. “Sorry shitloach but you aren’t getting your rebuttal. I’m taking it. Tough. And you,” he said as he looked at me, “Wasted a lot of credits bringing this piece of... attorney... into it. You brought a chainsaw to cut a turd.”

He turned back towards the prosecutor.

“Ok, first question. What does the word burner mean?” Judge Dredd asked with a predatory grin as he leaned forward.

“Your honor?” the prosecutor asked uncertainly.

“I’m sorry, I forget you’re slow. What… does… the… word… burner… mean?”

“Y-your honor it’s an unlicensed lethal weapon used to commit crimes and then be easily thrown away.”

“Thank you,” Judge Dredd said with a smile as he leaned back. “See I didn’t know that word. I didn’t know it because I AM ONLY INTERESTED IN THE FUCKING LAW! The word BURNER doesn’t exist in my world because it isn’t a LEGAL term. It’s a police term. It’s a word THEY MADE UP. UNLICENSED LETHAL WEAPON!?!? THIS IS THE MOTHERFUCKING REPUBLIC!!! I have unlicensed lethal weapons! Going to arrest me? Well? Are you?”

The prosecutor just cringed and the detectives shifted back in forth. Yeah, poopers! Try to wiggle out of that stink!

“I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION!!!” Judge Dredd screamed, pooping screamed. “I KNOW YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID BUT UNLESS YOU START ANSWERING ME YOU ARE GOING TO JAIL FOR CONTEMPT. THERE ARE NO CRAYONS IN THERE SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO GO WITHOUT YOUR FAVORITE SNACK YOU NEED TO FUCKING ANSWER ME!!! ARE YOU GOING TO ARREST ME?”

“No, your honor...”

“But you were all for arresting Sheloran here, weren’t you? You were fucking FINE with that. In fact your little baby dick was all hard over the thought of shipping her back to the Federation where the chance of her getting a fair trial is about the same as the chance you have of fucking someone not related to you by birth! WE ARE ALL EQUAL UNDER THE LAW!!!”

“But your honor, she made hers, which is clearly a violation of that law.”

“I made mine and I don’t have a license. Lock me up. Go ahead. I fucking dare you you little cum stain. I fucking dare you. I just admitted to making an unlicensed lethal weapon without a weaponsmithing license.” He leaned forward and glared at them. “Well, going to write out a warrant? Haul me in?” the judge asked with a sinister hiss.

“N-no your honor...”

“Oh he’s fucked.” Baxlon whispered to me with a wink. “That was the wrong thing to say.”

“You aren’t? But you were all for throwing this little Plath into jail, making sure she would wind up in maximum security, for it.”

The prosecutor just stood there like his bones were turning to poop. I went from hating and being terrified of him to feeling a little bad for the pooping guy.

“So are you saying that the law works differently for me than it does for Sheloran over there?”

The prosecutor just twitched.

“I told you what would happen if you didn’t answer me. SIXTY DAYS!” He slammed this hammer thingy down on his desk thingy really hard.

“Your honor!” the prosecutor yelped like he got poked with something pokey.

“GET HIM THE FUCK OUT OF MY COURT!!!”

“But… but...” The prosecutor stammered as two uniformed humans approached.

“You can’t do this!” the prosecutor squealed.

“FUCKING YELL AT ME? IN MY COURT? SIXTY DAYS!!! (BANG)”

“Your Honor! Please!”

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN TO SHUT UP DO YOU? THAT’S ANOTHER SIXTY!!! (BANG) SUCKS WHEN THE LAW WORKS DIFFERENTLY FOR DIFFERENT PEOPLE DOESN’T IT?… YOU DIDN’T ANSWER?! FUCK! I FUCKING TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS TWICE! ANOTHER SIXTY!!! (BANG)”

The prosecutor just started shuddering as the officers placed him in handcuffs.

“Now while you are enjoying your little vacation you fucking think about the law and how it bad it sucks when one standard is held to one group of people and another standard is beat over some other poor fucker’s head. You are just lucky you aren’t the asshole, I’m sorry, assholes I’m really interested in or I would have just kept fucking going.”

As the now whimpering prosecutor was being led away Judge Dredd turned to the two detectives with the scariest grin I have ever seen a human make… and I’ve been in jail!

“Oh this is about to get good.” Baxlon whispered eagerly.

“Detectives. Hello there,” the judge said pleasantly. “How is your day going?”

Both detectives glared at him.

“Well? If you haven’t noticed I really hate it when people don’t answer me.”

“We have the right to remain silent.” Detective Marsh said with a snarl.

“Fair enough,” Judge Dredd said with an even scarier grin.

Both detectives stood up.

“And just where do you think you are going?” Judge Dredd said with this really nice but completely terrifying voice.

“We don’t have to answer any questions. If you want to grill us you gotta have a subpoena.”

“I need one if I wanted to compel you to come here but… you are already here aren’t you?” the judge said with that pooping terrifying grin.

Suddenly uniformed officers walked in through some doors. They had guns!

“Yeah, fuckers, you are in my house now.” Judge Dredd smiled.

“You, as you said, have the right to remain silent but you have to listen. Sit the fuck down.”

“We have the right to a lawyer! You can’t keep us here!”

“Oh but I can. Now sit your fucking asses down unless you want to be straight-jacketed and tied to the fucking chair.”

Both detectives sat down.

“Smart,” Judge Dredd said with a grin. Oh poop was he scary! “First off I would like to commend you on some truly outstanding police work.”

Both detectives just sat there with their arms crossed completely silent.

“I mean, how you cracked this case to begin with,” the judge said with that same pooping scary smile. “truly amazing. In fact as the cases streamed across our servers I couldn’t help but notice just how amazing you were. That’s why I called dibs. I simply had to meet the two… geniuses… who cracked this conspiracy wide open. I guess you could call me a fanboy.”

Oh the look he was giving them was worse than anything I’ve ever seen, even in a pooping game!

“So tell me, how did you do it? I mean how did you know that Sheloran here was peddling pirated goodies? Oh I know that the media is turning out to be completely legitimate but I can see how it looked. I mean, who could have guessed that she was actually selling tens of thousands worth of legitimate copies. Still, credit where credit is due, you caught her red handed. Solid work, truly…”

He leaned forward with a grin. Poop! He looked like something out of a flushing Terran monster movie.

“Seriously, how did you know?”

The detectives just sat there stone-faced.

“(sigh) You aren’t doing this right,” Judge Dredd said sadly. “I hate to impose but Baxlon, could you please tell these guys how this works before I charge them with so much contempt that it becomes a life sentence?”

“Certainly your honor,” Baxlon said with a wiggle. “Gentlemen, you have to answer but you can simply reply with ‘I wish to remain silent’. Keep your yaps shut and he will lock your happy asses up.”

“Thank you counselor.” Judge Dredd said and oh poop, he gave us that smile. I wanted to hide under the pooping desk!

“So, back to you two assholes,” the judge said as he turned that pooping smile to them again. I was happy not to have to look at that dead on anymore!

“I wish to remain silent,” Detective Sullivan said.

“I haven’t asked anything yet! Fuck!” Judge Dredd exclaimed. “Jesus, you really aren’t very good at this! The way I see it, there are a couple of ways you guys could have found out. She was buying a shit-load of media, enough to get flagged and they could have reported it… but that’s not what happened. Oh she did get flagged. I asked around. I got two replies. One distributor figured out exactly what was going on and decided that they didn’t care and the other didn’t even think about it that much. They figured since she was paying full retail they didn’t give two shits and happily sent the transactions through. I looked over the case and there is no mention of the police getting any message from any media distributor. Did I miss something? Is that what happened? (Now you can talk.)”

“I wish to remain silent.”

“Now you are getting it!” Judge Dredd exclaimed happily, “Awesome! Now the next way that it could have happened and I’m totally on board with this being the case if it happened is that someone overheard her and her conspirators during a conversation and ratted them out. That would make sense but… there seems to be no mention of that in anything that I have already demanded, which would be every single thing you have filed, of any informant. Was there an informant and you just neglected to write it down?”

“I wish to remain silent.”

“Now there is only one other explanation on how you knew that Sheloran was up to something less than entirely wholesome,” the judge said and then he turned to Baxlon. I closed my eyes. I just didn’t want to pooping look at that smile. A human tried to pooping strangle me and even she didn’t pooping look like that.

“Now before you pee your tank I’m not accusing your client of any crime in my jurisdiction so don’t start screaming,” he said to Baxlon.

“The way I see it,” Judge Dredd said looking scarier than ever, “is that there was definitely some crime about to happen, a shitload of it. Thing is, none of that crime was going to happen in the Republic. The vast majority of the communications concerning any hypothetical criminal activity didn’t take place in the Republic either.”

The two detectives looked at each other and they looked pooping scared. Baxlon started bubbling a little and the words THEY ARE BEYOND FUCKED appeared on his globe.

“In fact there is nothing here that the Republic would give two shits about, including the deportation of Sheloran. Do you know who would give two shits about a fuckton of Terran media hitting the streets and who would give a shit about Sheloran getting deported? The Federation. The Federation has a real interest in stopping the flow of games and media into the Plath homeworld and surrounding areas and the Federation would just love to get their slimy little hooks into Sheloran here, wouldn’t they?” Judge Dredd asked with a evil hiss.

“I wish to remain silent.” Detective Marsh said firmly but he looked scared.

“I’m sure you do,” Judge Dredd chuckled. “I certainly would. And you are completely correct. I can’t force you to talk. There are laws. In fact this is a lot of conjecture and any lawyer worth their salt could get you out of this no problem. You wouldn’t even need the shitloach. All you have to do is remain silent.” Judge Dredd chuckled.

I had the feeling that the poop was really about to drop into the teapot. That chuckle didn’t even pooping sound human.

“There are laws that prevent me from grabbing you by your pointy little heads and squeezing them until the truth pops out even though I fucking know what really went down here so you are safe from me. I follow the law… but...”

Judge Dredd smiled wide. It was flushing terrifying! I’ve never, ever, ever seen something that pooping scary, even his other smiles.

“There isn’t a single fucking law against me picking up the phone and calling another department and having a little chat with them.”

The door opened and two people, a human male and a female in gray suits, walked in followed by four really scary looking humans in glossy black combat armor carrying heavy assault stunners. You think pooping prison rods are bad? Those stunners are for when you want someone breathing but you really don’t care if their poopers work right ever again!

“Detectives, please allow me to introduce agents Galen and Rossi of Republic Intelligence,” Judge Dredd said with a laugh. “I was talking with their boss and it turns out they have a lot of the same questions that I did and would love to have a chat with the both of you.”

The poopiest funny sound came out of Detective Sullivan’s mouth as he staggered to his feet.

“Don’t be stupid,” the male in gray said as the armored people leveled the stunners at the two detectives. “Do you know what these things will do to you? You can walk into an interrogation chamber or we can roll you into one in a wheelchair. I really don’t give a fuck.”

The detectives just stood there in shock while they were surrounded by those scary armored people and handcuffed.

As they were being led out of the courtroom I couldn’t pooping help it. I stood up.

“What the fuck are you doing!” Baxlon said as he grabbed at me.

“Your honor?”

“Sit down!” Baxlon shouted lunging for me. I hopped away.

“Yes?”

“Everything here is being recorded, right?”

“It is,” Judge Dredd said looking at me oddly.

“Detective Sullivan and Detective Marsh can eat my poop!” I yelled.

Judge Dredd started laughing. The detectives just looked at me like I had kicked them right in the pooper! Scum! That felt good! That felt so pooping good!

“Duly noted,” Judge Dredd laughed. “Sheloran the Plath states that detectives Sullivan and Marsh can eat her poop. Now sit the fuck down before your lawyer strangles you.”

***

After the detectives were gone Judge Dredd looked at me. He was still pretty scary.

“And now for you,” he said. Oh poop! I thought it was over!

“Your honor!” Baxlon exclaimed in alarm.

“Relax shitloach,” Judge Dredd said. “She isn’t getting deported. Let’s put a pin in that right now.”

Oh thank the Waters! I was so pooping relieved.

“But, you are definitely guilty of one thing.”

Oh no! What? What did I pooping do this time? Scum!

The judge pulled out that plastic bag with my pistol in it. Poop!

“This, unfortunately, did break a law. You did make a ranged lethal weapon without a weaponsmithing license. Shame on you!”

“I didn’t know!”

Suddenly Baxlon started shaking me! “Shut the fuck up! You just confessed you fucking idiot!”

“You don’t know about that law so I’m going to educate you before I pass judgement.” Judge Dredd said looking at me seriously.

Pooooop!

Baxlon was poking his head against his tank again.

“That law is very important and I’ll tell you why,” Judge Dredd started, “First off it’s not a weapon control law. This is the fucking Republic! You didn't build a weapon of mass destruction or something using nanotech. If you did that, you would be in the shit. The law regarding unlicensed manufacture of ranged weapons isn’t a weapon law. It’s a public safety law.”

He pulled out my pistol and red laser light came out of one of his eyes and swept over my gun.

“Nice!” he exclaimed. “For every one well crafted, dare I say elegant, weapon like this one there are a thousand zip guns with rubber bands and a nail or slam-fire shotgun pistols made out of plumbing parts that are just one stumble away from going off and hurting the wrong person. That’s why there is a law! It doesn’t have shit to do with any ‘burner’ nonsense.”

He looked at me and smiled.

“The court finds you guilty of the manufacture of a ranged lethal weapon without a license and hereby levies a fine of one hundred credits. There! Done! Don’t do it again. If you do it again it would piss me off and it won’t be a hundred credits next time. I’ll make your bank robbing ass fucking feel it!” he said with the nicest smile you can imagine.

“Now I understand that you have a hard time finding a weapon that will suit you. I can respect that,” he said nodding his head. “Get a weaponsmithing license. There are some good schools right here in the city.”

“But I don’t have a diploma and that certificate...”

“Oh I give up,” Baxlon said. “Just go ahead and say whatever the fuck you want, dipshit.”

“Can it shitloach,” Judge Dredd said with a laugh. He turned to me. “So? There are plenty of programs that don’t require that.”

“Really?!?!” I squeaked.

“Really. I know for a fact that there is a great weaponsmithing school around here that doesn’t. I just sent you an email about it. Go there and give it a whirl if you want. You have skill. If you don’t want to bother with that you can just go there with one of these and pay the chief instructor to certify it. It won’t be cheap. It will cost a lot more than just buying something but you can get something like this stamped no problem,” he said with the nicest smile. “Did you have to make this thing so fucking nasty? Seriously. This thing is fucked up,” he laughed.

“One last thing before I let you go. Sheloran, we need to talk. I’m not going to point any fingers or try to make you confess but I know goddamn well what you were really up to,” he said looking at me without a smile this time.

I start to open my mouth to say that I’m innocent.

“No. Don’t say anything I might have to act on. Just listen. I get the situation you are in. It sucks. It sucks for a lot of people who wind up here in the Republic especially when they come from some backwater like you did. I would be a lot more sympathetic if I didn’t know you had a bank buffer worth of credits stashed somewhere but still, I get it. I understand why someone would be motivated to… color outside the lines a little. What you did was outside the lines but not outside the law, not exactly,” he said with a warm, caring voice.

He paused and stared right into my pooping soul. It felt like he was sticking his fingers right into my pond!

“You have done nothing definitely criminal… yet but you, little Plath, are standing on the edge of a very slippery and rocky slope and you are standing beside someone who just loves wallowing in the mud at the bottom of it. You need to think long and fucking hard about what you do next with your life. I can tell you are a good person, Sheloran, at least for now but you are looking down a path that can change that and change so quick you won’t have time to stop or so slowly and insidiously that you won’t even realize what you become. I’ve reviewed your case and the records and even looked at one of those bullshit news stories about you in the Federation and I am pretty sure that you are a very nice very good person who has found herself in some unbelievably unusual and messed up situations and have just done what you had to do to get through it. You are pretty damn awesome, Sheloran. You did great,” He looked at me and smiled a tired little smile.

“You did great but now it can be over. You made it here, safe and sound. My advice is to go back to the coffee shop, become a citizen, get that certificate even if it takes you a few years, and live a happy healthy normal life. Maybe go and get a weaponsmithing license. You have the skills. I’m certain you can do it. You deserve to have a normal life. That’s what you should do. You should shake one of Mr Baxlon’s metal peckers, turn your back on all of this, and walk away. Just walk away."

He sighed a quiet sigh.

"I suspect that isn’t what you are going to do, Sheloran, but you should. Whatever you decide to do you need to make the calls for yourself. Don’t let someone like Baxlon here or anyone else tell you what is right and wrong. They will lead you right down the primrose path and one day you will look in the mirror and you won’t like what you see or even worse, you won’t care anymore. After that, sooner or later, I’ll see you again and it will be my unpleasant task to put you away or put away the people who killed you," he said with a heavy voice. "You know that, right? That is where this sort of thing always leads. You will almost certainly wind up either in prison for real or face down in a ditch somewhere and that would be tragic, Sheloran. You are still a good person, a very good person, right now for now. That’s a lot more valuable than a few credits. Don’t trade that away,” he said with a tired little sigh.

He reached for his hammer thingy.

"So, go and live your life, Sheloran, make your choices but remember one fucking thing,” he said as he looked right into me. “You are on my fucking radar. You fuck up and I will know about it. I invested a lot of my time looking into this case and talking to you. I fucking hate wasting my time. It pisses me off. Don’t piss me off, Sheloran. You won’t fucking like it. Get the fuck out of here. All other charges dismissed,” he said as he lightly tapped his little wooden hammer on his desk and then let it slip from his fingers.

He looked at me and he looked like he was a flushing million years old. He just shook his head a little bit and sighed. He seemed really sad. He shrugged and stood up, dusting off his robes.

We all stood up and he, dragging that heavy looking cable, left the court.

***

You know what was really poopy? I couldn’t just leave. I had to go back to pooping jail! They had to “outprocess” me or some poop! Can you pooping believe it!

They told me that I would probably have to go right back into that scummy solitary cell maybe for days! Oh I was so pooping mad about that!

It turns out that wasn’t the case at all! I was there no time at all before they started pushing me through the process. It was like they were in a hurry to get rid of me or something! Weird.

Anyway, I got all of my stuff back (except my pistol). I got my phone so I was able to call Hollister and the guys. Boy were they ever pooping happy to hear from me! They were surprised that I got free so fast and they said that they were going to send a taxi to get me. They also said that all of my media was still tied up with the police. They also said that Baxlon was trying to get it back but it could take awhile.

Pooping great. Seventy flushing thousand credits on pooping ice. One pooping great start to my criminal career.

They actually pushed me out the front gate. It was kind of pooping funny.

As I stood there waiting for the taxi a black grav-car pulled up and stopped right next to me. I started walking and it started to follow me.

Oh poop! I thought. What the flush was going down this pooping time?

Just about when I started to make a run for it the window slid down and there was the lady agent that was one of the ones that took the detectives away!

Of course. Of pooping course she was here. Why wouldn’t she pooping be?

“Ms. Sheloran, a moment of your time please?” she said.

I just stopped walking and let my head slump forward. Why, universe? Pooping tell me! Why? What the poop did I do?

“Sure,” I say in flushing complete and utter pooping defeat.

The passenger door opened and, resigning myself to whatever poop I’m going to sit in next, I got inside.