abcnovels
Chapter 45
Chapter 45
Chapter 45
Chapter 45
***Chastity***
The next morning I woke up more tired then the day before. I didn’t have any nightmares, but I certainly didn’t sleep well. I couldn’t get the thought of Rowen rejecting me again out of my head. I know he says. he wants only me, and his actions the last few weeks show that, but it’s only been a few weeks. Maybe I should believe him, but trust is not something I am good at
Yes I have built some trust with Molly, Jax, and Melissa, but they have never hurt me, or rejected me. Jax was always good to me when we were children, and even though I thought he would not be the same way when he returned, he proved to me that he had not changed in his love for me. Molly, and Melissa have been good to me since the day I met them. Do I trust them not to one day start hurting me? Not completely, but I am trying. Everyone else has hurt me in one way or another Yes I love them, but I certainly don’t trust them not to revert back to their old ways.
After laying in my bed for awhile I finally check the time on my phone I have several good morning text messages from Jax, Molly, Melissa, Braxton, Colby, Gina, and Rowen. Those did make me smile, but I still found myself wondering how long it would all last before they turned their backs on me. It would be so much easier now that I wasn’t there, too. I guess time would tell. After responding to the text messages, I took a shower, and put on jeans, and a t-shirt. I considered putting on Rowen’s hoodie, but decided against it.
Once I was dressed, and had what I needed I went to the cafeteria for breakfast. I was kind of relieved to see no one else was in there yet. Since there were no class this morning, I figured they were all still asleep. My therapy appointment wasn’t until 10:00 so I had about 45 minutes to eat before I headed over to the medical building for my appointment. When I finally finished my food, I left, and went in search of my therapist’s office
Of course I arrived 10 minutes early. I always tried to be early for things so this was no surprise to me. Her secretary handed me a clipboard with forms to fill out. She told me that I would take them into the office with when I went so I had some time to fill them out. Reading over them, and filling them out made me nervous, and really scared. What if this women couldn’t help me? What if I couldn’t trust her enough to open up to her? What if she laughed at me for the things I had been through? I had so many what ifs in my head that I almost left out of fear Before I could stand up though, her office door open, and she stepped out.
She was about my height, and looked to be in her forties. Her hair was red, but not dark like mine, and straight. She had kind brown eyes, and a nice smile. She looked like a warm, and inviting person to talk to. I hoped I was right.
“Chastity?” She looked to me, and asked.
“Ye yes” I mumbled.
“Come on in.” She said as she opened her door wider for me to enter.
Once I was in her office, I heard the door close, and I quickly turned around. I realized I was trembling with fear All my what its came crashing down on me all at once, and I really wanted to leave. I considered saying as much when she spoke again.
“Chastity, I know you’re scared, and for good reason. I’m not going to hurt you, laugh at you, or anything. else I want to help you. You can talk to me. When you’re ready” She said kindly
I could only nod slightly then I looked around the room. There was a dark wood desk in front of a huge window. She had a bright blue couch with white throw pillows, and a dark brown chair sitting across from
One wall was one huge bookshelf that went wall to wall, and floor to ceiling. She also had several bean bag chairs scattered around.
“I’ll let you pick where you want to sit. Where you think you’ll be most comfortable” She offered, and I nodded again.
Eventually I picked a purple bean bag chair, near the corner, and sat down. I resisted the urge to curl up. into myself once I was seated. I watched her grab a bright blue one from near her desk, and bring it close to me, but not too close. She sat down, and smiled at me again.
“Chastity, this is a safe space for you to come. You can talk while you’re here, or you can stay silent. I am here to help you, but I will not push you either ” She stated kindly
“Thank…..thank you Doctor Driscle.” I whispered.
“Dee-Dee please We’re not so formal here. May I see the clipboard please?”
I had forgotten I was even holding it I looked down, and realized I hadn’t written a thing on it I knew I was in trouble now I hadn’t done as I was told. Something painful always happened when I didn’t follow orders. My hands started to shake as I looked over the forms again.
“….I didn’t write anything on them.” I said fearfully.
“That’s ok. Not everyone does. For some, writing out their troubles help them start to sort through them. Others never do anything with them. Filling them out is not a requirement.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“So you’re not going to punish me for not doing what I was told to do?”
“Goddess no. Never I know you don’t trust me right now Chastity, but in this office you are completely safe. You can say and do or not say or do anything you want here”
“Oh.”
“Chastity, I can sense that you’re very scared right now, and I would like to do what I can to alleviate your fear of me. That said, why don’t I tell you a little bit about myself Ok?”
“Um. Ok. I thought I was supposed to talk about me?”
“We are, but sometimes it helps make us more comfortable to know something about the person we’re talking to.”
“Ok.”
“As you know my name I Dee-Dee Driscle. Well actually Deandra, but I go by Dee-Dee for short. Only my parents call me Deandra. I am forty two years old. My mate is one of the doctors, and instructors in the hospital. He teaches bedside manner. We have two pups. A boy who is ten, and a girl who is six. I met my mate a little later than most do. I met him when I was offered a position here to help trauma patients with their trauma. Prior to that I was a therapist at Royal pack. I am also an Omega.”
“You’re an Omega?”
“Yes. You will find that most therapists are. Who better to help someone who is struggling with emotional distress than an Omega, right?”
“Ye…yes.”
“I actually graduated from the medical school here, but didn’t meet my mate at that point as we were in two different majors. Our paths never crossed.”
“That’s kind of sad.”
“It is, but it isn’t. Since I hadn’t met him at the time, I was able to build my career where one of the top medical facilities requested my assistance”
“That’s that’s true.”
“Now I have to tell you that your father, Beta Dimitri called me specifically several weeks ago to give me some background on you, and what your life has been like for many years. He didn’t give me a lot of details, but from what I got out of our conversation was that you have had a rough time of it. You have also had some pretty harsh, untrue things beaten into you over the years. You have also suffered a multitude of rejections starting with your family, and expanding all the way to your mate.
“He he retracted the rejection. For now”
“Why for now?”
“I’m not good enough for him. I’m damaged, and I’m making him wait for me I’m not beautiful like a mate should be for someone of his rank. I’m also just an Omega, and he… well he’s the future Alpha.”
“I see. Does he know you feel this way?”
“…yes. I have told him that I think he will still reject me.”
“And what does he say when you tell him that?”
“He says that he knows he messed up, and made a mistake That he will spend the rest of his life proving to me that he means it when he says he wants me. He said he’ll wait for me for the rest if his life if he has to.”
“And you don’t believe him?”
“N….no.”
“Why is that?”
“Because he has already rejected me once. I try not to be, but I’m scared of him. I’m making him wait three years to mark me. I’m broken inside. I’m not pretty like his mate should be. I’m small, skinny, have minimal curves. I am not cultured. I’m just an Omega.”
“What does he say when you say these things to him?”
“Most of them I don’t. I don’t want to hear him agree with me. He doesn’t like it when I say that I’m just an Omega though. He says I’m more than that to him, and to a lot of people, but how can I be, when that is what I really am.”
“But Chastity, being an Omega is just a rank. All that means is figuring out what your strengths would be to best help the pack. It’s not who you are as a person. You are so much more than that, and you will become more than what you are right now as well. That’s why you’re at this school. To become more than what you are right now. I know you don’t believe me, and we will work on that. Let me ask you this, am I more than just an Omega?”
“Well yes. You’re a doctor, a mom, and a mate.”
“Exactly. I am also a daughter, a sister, a friend, a crocheter, a teacher, and so much more. We are all more than our pack rank. We just have to figure out what those things are.”
“But I….”
“I know what you’ve been taught, and I am going to do everything I can to teach you that what you’ve had beaten into you is very wrong.”
“O….ok.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Um….I guess.
“Since retracting the rejection, has your mate done anything to show you that he does want you?”
“Well, I…yes.”
“What has he done?”
“Um. He has calmed me when I was terrified of something or someone. He’s taken me out on a date with my brother, his mate, our future Gamma, and his mate. He bought me the necklace I am wearing. For the last two weeks he’s slept in my room, on a cot, to help keep my nightmares away. He is sending me some of his shirts to sleep in to see if they can help keep my nightmares away”
“I see. So he is trying to show you that he will do what you need him to do, when you need him to do it?”
“I…yeah. I guess.”
“Can you or do you want to tell me about your nightmares?”
“I….umm…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to right now. You can when you’re ready.”
“No. It’s ok.”
“So what are they about?”
“Um….I don’t know if you were told, but I used to get whipped whenever the urge or the need to punish me hit Aurora, Fiona, and Naomi.”
“I didn’t know that. Who are Aurora, Fionna, and Naomi?”
“Aurora was my brother’s mom. All of their mom. She was once my dad’s chosen mate. They split up for four years when he met his fated mate, my mom. After she died, Aurora claimed to be pregnant with my dad’s pup so she moved back in so his pups would all be with him. Fiona was Aurora’s niece. Naomi was Aurora’s friend, and our Gamma’s mate.”
“You said was.”
“She was executed for murdering my mom a few weeks ago.”
“I see. So back to the nightmares. Why was the whipping important?”
“In my nightmares, not only those three, but everyone I know is whipping me, and degrading me in horrible ways. Even my mate, my brother Jax who has never hurt me, and his mate Molly who has never hurt me either.”
“I see. That must be really hard to deal with.”
“Yeah it is.”
“Do you honestly believe, in your heart that any of them, especially those that have never hurt you in any way, would ever whip you?”
“I…I don’t know. I would like to think so, but….”
“It’s hard to trust because of what you’ve experienced.”
“Yes.”
That is completely understandable, and we will work on that together Can I ask how old you were the first time you were whipped?”
“It was the night of my twelfth birthday”
What happened that led to you being whipped?”
“I was scented as an Omega, and my father had Aurora moving me out of our home that day I hadn’t done anything wrong that day, that I know of, and she gave me, what I thought was birthday present. My first ever from her, but it wasn’t really”
“What was the present?”
“A whip, and silver handcuffs. After I opened it, and saw them, she took me to the farthest cell in the dungeon. She handcuffed me, took off my shirt, whipped me then shoved me in the attic She told me I was the slave of the pack house starting that day When I asked her why, she told me it was because | was a disgusting Omega, and I deserved it
“Chastity, you did not deserve that. At all. Not only were you a pup, but you are also not disgusting. You are beautiful, bright, and very intelligent from what I hear A lot of people here were really excited to learn. you would be a student in this school”
“Really?”
“Oh yes. It’s not often we get students with such high GPAS, AND glowing recommendations from so many teachers, and medical staff. Including one from a former student, and teacher’s aid.”
“Oh.”
“Yes. They are all excited to meet you, and see you succeed.”
“Why?”
“Because you are truly impressive.”
“but I am just an Omega.”
“No Chastity, you are so much more than that, and given time I will help you see that I think you have a lot of people who are willing to help you see that Just give us some time. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“We’ll come back to that. Now I want to ask you some simple questions about you.”
“Ok?”
“What is your favorite color?”
“Purple?”
“What is your favorite flower?”
“Lilacs.”
“Silly question for you. When you were a pup, what was something you liked to chase?”
“Jax, and butterflies.”
“Besides wolves, what is your favorite animal?”
“Cats, and kittens. I know as wolves we normally see cats as prey, and cats are scared of us, but I don’t. I think they’re adorable, and their purr is soothing My wolf Leila feels the same way. She is protective of them when she sees them.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever had a pet cat?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I wasn’t allowed to. There was a stray kitten that I used to pet on my way to school everyday when I was younger, but it disappeared.”
“Would you want one?”
“I mean yes, but cats and wolves don’t always live together well.”
“If the wolf doesn’t see the cat as prey, and the cat is raised from a kitten around wolves, they get along quite well. The younger the kitten the more likely it will see the wolf as a parent, and protector”
“I didn’t know that. Do wolves ever raise kittens though?”
“Some times. Did you know that you can have a pet while here?”
“No.”
“Well you can. We actually have a small animal sanctuary here at the school. When humans began researching emotional support animals, and their effect on those that live with emotional, and mental distress, we began to do the same. Now while humans tend to use dogs as emotional support animals, we wolves have had issues with that. As pack animals wolves tend to see dogs a pack members instead of support animals due to being of the same nature. Cats are different though. Odd as it may seem. Many of those who have suffered trauma have wolves that are overly protective, and in turn see those smaller and easily harmed as something needing protecting instead of prey More with cats than rabbits or the like as cats are able, and will fight back when hunted.”
“I….I never knew that.”
“It’s been interesting research. I have actually watch shifted wolves, who’s human side has suffered immense trauma parent kittens instead of attempting to attack. They will clean, play with, snuggle, and teach a kitten how to care for itself as it grows. They aren’t quite the same with adult cats. They more befriend, play with, and build a relationship with an adult cat if they meet with an adult. How is Leila with cats, and kittens?”
“She likes them. Once, when I snuck out for a run, she found a lost kitten. She picked up the kitten in her mouth, and carried it until she found it’s mother. Of course the mother freaked out at first, until Leila returned it’s kitten. She even helped push the kitten to it’s mother to nurse, and kept other animals away from the mother while she nursed. She also hunted a mouse, and brought it back to the mother to eat once she was done caring for it’s baby.”
“That was very sweet”
“Yeah. Leila is a sweet wolf. I’m lucky to have her ”
“It sounds like you were paired well together.”
“Yeah. You talked about emotional support animals, but wouldn’t our wolf be considered our emotional support animal?”
“Yes, and no. Our wolves can provide us with company, and someone to always talk to when we are experiencing any thing in our lives. They are our best friend, and companion in life. They protect us, support us, calm us, listen to us, and take over for us when we need to pull back. Unfortunately they can not provide the physical support we need as they are us, and we are them. Part of healing from trauma is not just the mental and emotional support, but also the physical. Touch can be calming, and can ground us.”
“I’m not sure I understand that as most times I have to mentally prepare myself to be touched. When | was brought for check in, by my family, and my mate, I had to force myself not to pull away from the touches, and hugs they gave me before they left. Yes I enjoyed the touch once it happened, I had to force myself to be calm before it happened.”
“I can understand that as for many years any touch you received was painful one How long had it been that you went without being hugged, or shown affection?”
“Um…About three years or so. I think.”
“I see. Now back to my point. Let me ask you, did your mate every touch you during times of fear, or distress?”
“Um….n….yes.”
“Can I ask when?”
“The first time was at Aurora’s execution. He put his hand on my shoulder when I spoke to her Another time was when I woke him up from a nightmare.”
“What happened when he touched you?”
“My shaking stopped, and I calmed down.”
“That’s what I mean by touch being calming. Especially in times of fear, and distress. Unfortunately since we are unable to physically touch our wolves they can’t provide physical support, even if they want to since we are always one or the other at all times. Our wolves don’t like this, but they understand it. So a wolf who’s human has suffered from trauma is more likely to be accepting of, and even care of an animal that can provide the physical support they are unable to, especially if that wolf is unmated. I know that you do have a mate, but you are unmarked, and away from you mate so he is
unable to provide the physical support you need right now. That being said, would you be interested in having an emotional, or more for us, a physical support animal?”
“….would I even be allowed to have one?”
“Yes you are. I have already discussed this with housing, and the Dean. Students are allowed to have a pet if they so choose. They are responsible for their care, and clean up, but it is allowed. They also cannot have the animal in the cafeteria or while they are in class, but they are allowed to have them in their room, and when they are out on the grounds. Is this something you would like?”
I thought about it for a bit. Leila had been surprisingly quiet through all of this. It was like she was listening to the therapist herself for ways to help me.
“I am listening Chastity She’s right about so many things. I like her.” Leila said to me quietly.
“You do?” I responded.
“Yes. She seems smart. She’s also very nice, and honest.”
“Do you trust her though?”
“Yes Chastity I do. She made me sad though.”
“How?”
“Because she reminded me of the one way I can’t help you. The one way I’m not able to be there for you.”
“How is that?”
“I can’t snuggle you when you need me to.”
“I’m sorry my sweet wolf.”
“I know you are, but you shouldn’t be. It’s the way things are for us.”
“What do you think I should do?”
“Well since our mate can’t be here with us, I think we should get a kitten. I want a kitten to take care of ”
“A kitten, not a pup?”
“I want a pup some day, but we’re not ready to be a mom yet.”
“No. We’re definitely not.”
“So a kitten.”
“Chastity, are you ok?” Dee-Dee called out to me, pulling me from my conversation with Leila.
“Oh. Yes. I’m sorry I was talking to Leila.” I responded.
“What is she saying?”
“That you’re smart, and right about a lot of things. She’s also sad that she can snuggle me when I need it.”
“What else did she say?”
“She said she wants a kitten.”
“Well if she does, and you do why don’t we go down to where we keep our support animals, so you and Leila can pick someone?”
“Now?”
“Of course. There is something you will need to do though.”
“What’s that?”
“You’ll need to shift, and let Leila pick your support animal. She will know who will be best for you.”
“How?”
“Scent, and behavior.”
“Um….ok.”
“Come on with me.”
“Wait. Hasn’t it been an hour. Isn’t my session over?”
“No. Usually for my first couple of sessions with a new patient, I let them decide when they’re done for the day. The sessions can last as long or as short as they need. I never put a time restriction on their needs. I do insist to see them quite often for the first month though. Beginning therapy is the hardest part, and building trust can be difficult. I feel it’s important for a trauma survivor to have the time they need to build the trust they need to be comfortable enough with me to let me help them move forward from their trauma. To help them put their trauma behind them, and move forward with their life not being haunted by what they survived.”
“You use words like survive, and lived through or with Why?”
“Because a person who has experienced trauma survived it. If one sees themselves as a survivor instead of a victim it will help give them: the strength to move forward to better things. One has emotional or mental struggles, but they are NOT their mental or emotional struggles. Those things should not define a person, and who they are. They live with it, it should not control them. It is their life,
not the life of the mental and emotional turmoil. I use these words to help reaffirm that a person is more than what they are dealing with or have experienced. Does that make sense?”
“Yeah.”
“Good Because Chastity, you are a survivor You are NOT a victim, and we WILL get you past it so that you can live a full, healthy, happy life”
“O ok”
“Alright. Lets go to the playground.”
“The playground?”
“Yes. That is what we call the area we have our support animals.”
“Are there only cats?”
“No. We also have ferrets, rats, and of all things a raccoon. Although Bandit is more for entertainment then support. His antics make people, even wolves laugh. He’s never truly bonded with any one person so he lives here and loves everyone”
“Oh. OK”
I giggled a little at the thought as I followed Dee-Dee out of her office. We were on the second floor of the medical building so I thought we would be going down to the basement where they could keep the animals. I was wrong though. We went to the third floor instead.
I was getting a cat. A wolf was going to have a cat of all things. In some ways it seemed weird to me, but Dee-Dee’s explanation did make sense at the same time. I guess we would see how this goes.
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