abcnovels
Chapter 52
Chapter 52
Chapter 52
Chapter 52
***Chastity***
When I woke up the next morning I was exhausted. I hadn’t slept well at all. I didn’t have nightmares, I just didn’t sleep well. I was also very depressed. The thought of pushing Rowen and Lexi together had plagued my mind all night. He would be better off matched with her. I didn’t understand why the Moon Goddess would punish him by leaving him stuck with me.
“He is not stuck with you Chastity. We are perfect for our mate.” Leila growled at me.
“But….” I started.
“No. Enough! He is ours Chastity! He loves us! Lexi is NOT right for him. We are! We always have been. Besides Lexi is our friend. She would never take our mate from us. She would be mad if we tried to give
him to her.”
“But she is. She already knows how to be a good Luna. She understands him, and his responsibilities. She is prettier, and more poised than I am. She’s not broken.”
“Chastity, you’re so wrong. Does she know those things? Yes. But it doesn’t make her right for him. We are right for him.”
“But. He’ll be better off. I should just reject him, and let him be with Lexi or someone like her.” 1
“NO! Absolutely not Chastity! I have supported everything you have done, every choice you have made, but I will NOT support that. Now or ever! He is ours, and we are his! If you even TRY to reject him I will take over, and stay in control until he marks us. I won’t let you do that to us. Mate loves us,
and wants us. You need to accept that, accept him. His right for us, and we are right for him. Maybe you don’t believe it now, but some day you will.” 1
“But Leila….”
“NO! ENOUGH! You are not going to reject him, and you will not push him to our friend. She wouldn’t take him even if you tried. Now stop. Doctor is waiting for us. You need to tell her about yesterday, and this conversation. She needs to know so she can help you.”
“But…”
“NO!”
For the first time ever Leila blocked me out. In all our years together she had never done that. I didn’t understand why she was so against letting Rowen free from me. He deserved to be happy, and with someone better than me. He could never be happy with me long term. I didn’t understand why she
couldn’t see that.
With a sigh I picked up Lilac to put her harness on. She glared at me the whole time I struggled to get it. on her then rolled, and wiggled once I put it in her. After she finished with her dramatics I clipped the leash on her, picked her up, and carried her out of my room. She instantly climbed on my shoulder, and sat there the whole walk to my appointment with Dee-Dee.
I really didn’t want to see her, or anyone for that matter. It’s why I didn’t go down to breakfast either. I hadn’t wanted to talk to Norm or Lexi. Especially not Lexi. I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell her about me rejecting Rowen, and wanting them to be together. They were bettered suited for each other. I just wasn’t ready to talk to her about it.
For the first time in my life I was almost late to something. I drug my feet as I walked into Dee-Dee’s office. She was already sitting on the bean bag chair across from my usual spot. She smiled at me, and I
tried to do the same. I just wasn’t feeling it. I took Lilac off my shoulder, and sat. Dee-Dee stood up. closed the office door then took off Lilac’s leash. The kitten tried to get into my lap, but I pulled my knees to my chest, and buried my head in them. I didn’t want to be here. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be left alone. Lilac didn’t quite get the message though because she started climbing on me. I tried to shake her off, but she wouldn’t stop.
“She knows you need her Chastity. She’s not going to leave your side right now.” Dee-Dee said gently.
I finally stopped trying to push Lilac away. She managed to get under my shirt, against my side. It tickled when her fur brushed me. Then she settled, and began to purr softly.
“Bad day today, Chastity?” Dee-Dee asked quietly, and I just shrugged..
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shrugged again.
“Ok. We’ll just sit here until you feel like talking.”
I nodded.
We sat there in silence for a long time. I didn’t want to talk at first, then I didn’t know what to say or how to start. I had so much running through my mind. Then I remembered Rowen saying I should tell Dee- Dee about yesterday.
“I froze up in self defense class, then curled into a ball on the floor, shaking and crying. I couldn’t breath. I couldn’t move.” I said quietly.
“What happened?” Dee-Dee asked.
“I heard a noise, and I got scared.”
“So you had a panic attack?”
“I don’t know.”
“What was the sound?”
“It sounded like a whip.”
“How did you calm down from your panic attack?”
“L…Lexi carried me out of the gym, and too my bedroom.”
“What did you do once you were in
your room?”
“Nothing.”
“What did Lexi, and Norm do?”
“Lexi….she called Rowen when he is busy. She pulled him from his important work. He has things to do. Responsibilities, and she called him to deal with the broken little Omega. She made an Alpha stop what he was doing to help a nobody.”
“How did Rowen react when she called him? Did he help?”
“Yes.” I whispered.
“Did he seem upset about it?” Dee-Dee asked gently.
“No.” I answered quietly.
“Did he talk to you during, and after your panic attack?” She questioned.
“Yes.” I said.
“Did he help calm you down from the panic attack?” She asked.
“Yes.” I whined.
“That’s a good thing. That’s what mates do for each other when needed.”
Suddenly I felt myself getting angry. No one understood. He shouldn’t have to do those things for me. He didn’t deserve to be stuck with me. I stood up quickly, and started pacing angrily.
“NO IT IS NOT A GOOD THING! IT IS A BAD THING! HE SHOULDN’T HAVE TO FIX THE WORTHLESS OMEGA! HE WILL NEVER BE HAPPY WITH ME! HE’LL NEVER HAVE THE LIFE HE DESERVES WITH ME! I WILL NEVER BE WHAT HE NEEDS! I WILL ONLY BRING HIM DOWN! HE HAS RESPONSIBILITIES, AND A JOB! HE IS IMPORTANT! HE CAN’T ALWAYS STOP HIS DAY JUST BECAUSE I AM BROKEN AND CANNOT DEAL WITH LIFE! I CANNOT BE WHAT HE NEEDS! I’LL NEVER BE A GOOD LUNA! I WILL DESTROY EVERYTHING FOR HIM! HE DESERVES BETTER! SOMEONE WHO WILL MAKE HIM HAPPY! SOMEONE WHO WILL HELP HIM BE THE ALPHA HE IS MEANT TO BE! SOMEONE WHO WON’T MAKE HIM WAIT BECAUSE SHE IS BROKEN! HE DESERVES SOMEONE WHO IS HIS MATCH IN EVERYTHING! I’M A NOBODY! I’M NOTHING! HE DOESN’T DESERVE A NOTHING! HE DOESN’T DESERVE A NOBODY! HE DOESN’T DESERVE A WORTHLESS DISGUSTING OMEGA WHO SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN BORN! HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO BE STUCK WITH SOMEONE WHO SHOULD HAVE DIED WITH HER MOM FIFTEEN YEARS AGO! WHY DOESN’T ANYBODY SEE THAT? WHY CAN NO ONE UNDERSTAND HE MADE THE RIGHT CHOICE WHEN HE REJECTED ME? WHY AM I THE ONLY
ONE WHO SEES THE TRUTH? HE NEEDS TO FIND A REAL MATE! NOT A DAMAGED, WORTHLESS, DISGUST THING LIKE ME!” I screamed as I paced.
I was breathing hard, and tears were streaming down my face. I just didn’t understand why no one saw what I did. Why couldn’t HE see what I did? He had to. It would be better for him in the long run.
“Is that you talking or Aurora, Fiona, Naomi, or all of those others that said those things to you, talking?” Dee-Dee asked quietly.
“HUH?” I questioned as I turned to face her.
“I asked if that is really you talking or was it just what you’ve been told by others?” Dee-Dee asked again as she looked me straight in the eye..
“Why does it matter who said it first? It’s the truth.” I growled.
“Is it? Is it really?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why is it true?”
“If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have been hurt so badly. I would have been loved by my family. I would have had friends. I wouldn’t have been alone.”
“If you really think those things about yourself why are you here?”
“What?”
“If you really think you’re worthless, disgusting, and should have died, why are you here, at Cloverland? Why are you trying to become a midwife? If you really think those things you wouldn’t have worked so hard to get here. You wouldn’t be here right now, attending this school, if you really believed those things. So I will ask you again, is that you speaking or is it everyone else who has said those things TO you?”
“1….”
“If you really think those things why didn’t you accept Rowen’s rejection? Why didn’t you instantly reject him when he retracted it? Why haven’t you rejected him to this point?”
“I plan to reject him! Next time I see him I will reject him. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone like Lexi, or any other high rank she-wolf out there. Not me. He shouldn’t have taken his rejection back to begin with.”
“And you think he’ll accept your rejection?”
“Yes! He knows he’s too good for me. He knows he deserves better than me.”
“If that’s the case why did he take the rejection back? Why did he come see you last weekend? Why has he done any of the things he’s done for you?”
“1…. I don’t know. Because he pities me. If I don’t reject him now, eventually he’ll reject me any way. At least if I reject him he has a chance at a second chance mate. Someone worthy of him.”
“You think he wants that?”
“How can he not? I’m nothing! I’m worthless. I’m disgusting.”
“And if he doesn’t agree with you?”
“He will.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“He says he won’t accept it if I reject him, but just like everyone else, eventually he will. Eventually he’ll see that I’m not worth it. He’ll turn his back on me, and find someone else. Like he should.”
“What does Leila think of you rejecting him?”
“She’s mad at me, but eventually she’ll realize that I’m right, or she’ll leave too. She’s better off without me any way.”
“You really believe that?”
“Yes.”
“Thing is Chastity, you’re wrong. You’re wrong about everything you said. I know you are wrong. I know you don’t see it right now, and it will take awhile before you do, but you are very wrong. You are not worthless. You have helped so many in your pack over the years, and not just those who lived in the pack. house. Your teachers, nurses at your pack hospital, midwife Wanda, your family, your friends. All of them see you as worth so much. Lexi, Norm, and Marcus see you as worth so much. Rowen sees you as everything. Your wolf loves you, and she only wants you. None of the people in your life see themselves as better off without you. Do you want an example of what you’ve done for some one, for how much you mean to someone?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“Lexi is the perfect example.”
“Lexi?”
“Yes Lexi. She was sitting in my office first thing this morning, before I even got here, waiting for me. She wanted to talk to me about you.”
“Me?”
“Yes. She didn’t tell me what happened yesterday, but she does know you come to see me several times a week. She asked me how she can help you. What she can do to help you heal. How she can be a better friend to you than she already is. The thing with Lexi is she never had a lot of female friends growing up.
Her friends were mostly Robert, Anthony, the Beta’s son Derek, her brother, and Marcus. Females were jealous of her for being friends with all of them so most of them kept away. When Anthony did what he did to her, she pulled herself away from everyone even more. She was afraid to let any one in. When she got here she had only her brother, and Marcus.
“You managed to get through her shell, and become her friend in minutes flat. You are her best friend, and you are very important to her. She said she knows it’s only been a little under two weeks since you two met, but you mean the world to her. In her eyes you are worth more than even she is. She said you had a very hard life, and she wants to make sure she helps you have a much better one from now on.”
“But she is worth so much more than me.”
“Not to her she’s not. She adores you. She sees in you what we all see.”
“What’s that?”
“An intelligent, beautiful, strong, courageous, caring she-wolf, who is a gift from the Moon Goddess. Who will do wonderful things, and who deserves the world. Someone who had a rough start, but never let that stop her from trying to achieve her dream. Who kept a brave face through everything she was experiencing. Who shared warmth, and caring even though she wasn’t receiving any. Someone with a
good enough heart to befriend, and help one of her abusers. You Chastity, are worth so much more than you have been lead to believe. Everyone sees it.”
“Then….then why did they do those things to me? Why did they hurt me? Why did they reject me? Why did they ignore me? Why? What did I do?”
I crumbled into a ball on the floor, and sobbed. If all of that was true, why had my life been riddled with pain for so long. Why had I been told the things I was, and treated how I was.
“I don’t have all of the answers for your Chastity. I can only tell you what I know, and I what I have gathered from the things I have read, and heard. Know that I have heard the trail recordings. As well as the recordings from Aurora’s execution, and Dimitri’s recording from his last conversation with Aurora. I have also spoken to Dimitri extensively. Rowen a bit too. I hope you don’t mind. I needed a better understanding of what happened, and why, from their perspective.”
I only nodded as I continued to sob. I felt Lilac head butt my leg, and heard her purr. Leila was whimpering my head. I picked up Lilac, and held her too my chest. She didn’t fight me on it, just licked the underside of my chin, and purred. I heard Dee-Dee come closer to me, and sit in front of me.
“On Dimitri’s part it was purely selfishness. He was in pain from losing his mate, and you reminded him. too much of what he had lost. It was in no way right, at all, and he knows that. Braxton was manipulated, badly, and used as a tool. He was young, and impressionable to his mother’s whims, as most pups are. I know you know he regrets his wrongs. Naomi was also very easily manipulated due to her own short- comings. Luna Jane didn’t reject her as a friend in any way, but Naomi was lead astray so many times. Luna Jane had trouble keeping her close. Naomi tends to do what she is told without thinking it through. That is no excuse, but unfortunately there are people out there like that.
“Colby, it’s hard to say. He was in a rough spot. He was trying to make his mother happy, and earn the approval she never gave him, while also trying to keep Dimitri’s example to make him proud of him too.
To gain his approval. Unfortunately for Colby he was kind of the odd man out. Aurora even told him that he was just her spare if she needed him. Colby didn’t fit into exactly what Aurora wanted, and he wasn’t happy with the mold he thought Dimitri wanted him in so he was floundering, and confused himself. It was easier for him to just ignore you than go against either person he was trying to gain approval from.
“Alpha Joseph believed what he was told by Aurora about what Dimitri expected of you. He believed that Dimitri had put you in charge of the care of them, and the pack house. He didn’t acknowledge what he saw in any form of abuse because he didn’t want to believe any one in his pack would harm another. Gamma Peter was much the same as Alpha Joseph. He also didn’t want to believe his mate would harm
another, especially a pup. They both were wrong, and they know it. If they could change it they would. Gamma Ross distanced himself from everything because he didn’t know what to do. Again not an excuse, just what I can see.
“Aurora, and Fiona are I’m not even sure where to begin with them. After watching what I have of both of them. After hearing about what has happened to you, on a smaller scale, I truly believe that Aurora had serious mental health problems, that while rare in wolves, do happen. I believe she had started out as just wanting more for herself than what she had as a pup, and upon getting it, it tainted her mental stability in ways that you suffered for. Her feeling justified in her actions against you, and your mother, indicate that. Aurora, if she had not been executed should have been committed to an institution for treatment, and
care.
“In Fiona’s case, unfortunately her main influence in her life was Aurora. She was raised with the lies, and delusions for so long she truly believed them. Aurora’s mental instability was bred into Fiona through constant reminders, and promises, despite being empty. Do I believe Fiona suffers from the same mental instability Aurora does? No. I believe she is the result of that mental instability being used
in a way that manipulated another. In Braxton’s case it’s different because he had Dimitri, Jax, and Colby to show a different example. Fiona did not have that because Aurora did what she could to keep her way from them. She risked her best pawn being given a different way to see things.
“Rowen was a foolish male who created his own beliefs based on flawed thoughts. He made a choice with no real information. One that was not taught to him, just something he assumed, and believed. He realized his mistake quickly. He discovered his beliefs were completely wrong, and has been trying to make it right ever since.
“They wronged you badly. There was never anything wrong with you. It was them that were the problem.”
“But….”
“I promise, Chastity you are not the problem. You never were. I know it’s hard to believe, and it’s hard to change a line of thinking that has been beaten into you, but it is possible. It won’t be easy, but it is possible.”
“What do I do? How do I make this stop?”
“It’s going to take time Chastity, and a lot of work. It is also going to take a good support system. One your already have. One that wants to be there for you, and help you in everyway they can. It also is going to take you listening to what they’re telling you, and believing them. Not just their words, but their actions
too.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Yesterday, when you had your panic attack, and Lexi called Rowen, what did he do?”
“He…he had Lexi and Norm put me into one of his sweatshirts, and video called me to talk to me, and calm me down. He stayed on the video call until I fell asleep last night. He shouldn’t have done that though. He had work to do, and responsibilities. He was pulled away from all of that just for me.”
“He did that because he cares about you Chastity. He did that because YOU are the most important thing -to him. You, and your needs come first.”
“But I shouldn’t.”
“Why?”
“Because he deserves better.”
“No Chastity. He deserves you. The sweet, caring, loving, kind, intelligent, beautiful person you are. He sees you for you who you really are inside, not the bruised, battered shell on the outside. He sees to the heart, and soul of you. He deserves that person, as much as you deserve him. In his eyes you are too
good for him.”
“But….”
“Chastity, what you’re going through right now. What you’ve been through is not who you are. What those horrible people told you is not who you are. You are so much more than that. Rowen, he sees that, and he will do everything he needs to do to help you get through this, and see what he sees when he looks at
you.”
“The Moon Goddess had to have made a mistake.”
“The Moon Goddess never makes mistakes. She knew you needed someone strong, confident, and loyal to get you through what you are. She knew he needed someone to remind him to be humble, kind, and observant. She knew you needed each other so she paired you. She made the right choice. It may take you time to see it, but eventually you will. If you reject him you will regret it later. I know you don’t believe me, but you will.”
L
“\….
“Let me ask you something.”
“OK.”
“What did Leila say when you told her you were going to reject him?”
“She got mad at me, and told me she would take over. She would stay in control until he marked me so I couldn’t reject him, but she’s blinded by the mate bond, not the truth.”
“No Chastity she’s not. She knows what you need, and who is right for you. She won’t let you make a decision that will take that away from you. You are blinded by your pain, and by what others have led you to believe about yourself. Leila is looking out for you, and you need to listen to her.”
“She’s not supposed to do that though.”
“What is our wolf’s primary role?”
“To protect us.”
“Exactly, even if it means protecting us from ourselves. If you try to reject Rowen she is going to do what she has to in order to protect you from yourself. If you rejected Rowen your only choice in the
future would a be a chosen mate, and the bond will never be as strong as fated mate, and a lot of times the wolves don’t accept the chosen mate. You would weaken yourself by taking a chosen mate, especially when your fated mate wants you so much. Leila would never accept another wolf as her mate as she is already attached to her fated mate.”
“I won’t take a chosen mate either.” I whispered.
“Why?”
“Because no one deserves to be stuck with me.”
“So you would spend the rest of your life alone? You would force Leila spend her life alone as well?”
“She’ll eventually realize I’m not good enough for her, and leave me any way. She would be right, and she’ll be better off without me.”
“Chastity you realize when a wolf leaves their human they die right? A wolf who leaves their human by choice does not come back as wolf for another. They just die.”
“I…..no.”
“So are you telling me that Leila would choose death with no chance of return over being with you for the
rest of both of your lives?”
“I…I don’t know. I guess not.”
“Of course not. I have no doubt Leila loves you very much, and it’s killing her emotionally to see, as well as hear you like this. She also knows you don’t deserve to be alone. She knows that you deserve to have the strongest bond possible with the one meant for you. She knows that he will take care of
you, protect you, and love you above all else. She knows that you deserve that, and more. She doesn’t want you alone.”
“She’s right Chastity. I don’t want you alone, and you deserve mate, so much. I can’t let you not have what you truly deserve. I just can’t so if you try to get rid of that, I will stop you. For you, I have to.” Leila said firmly in my mind.
I just shook my head, and tried to wipe the tears away that were rolling down my cheeks. I was such a mess I couldn’t deal with her fighting me right now.
“I’m not going to stop fighting you Chastity. I am going to protect you, even if it’s from yourself. I’m going to protect you from making the wrong choice. No matter what I have to do. You’re only thinking like this right now because you’re having a hard time. When things get better you’ll realize I’m right.” Leila stated then retreated to the back of my mind.
“I get the feeling Leila is telling you pretty much that she agrees with me. That she is going to protect you from making the wrong choice.” Dee-Dee said quietly.
“Yeah.” I whispered.
“Chastity, she’s right. What I’m going to add to that is that this is the wrong time to make these kinds of decisions. Right now is highly emotional, and not the right time to make big, life changing decisions. Right now the best thing to do is try to work through those emotions, focus on them, not on outside things.. You’” only make your emotional difficulties worse right now.”
“But….”
“Let me ask you something. Does Rowen know what you think, and how you feel about him being your mate? Does he know you’re considering rejecting him?”
“I didn’t tell him, but yeah.”
“What did he say?”
“That he wouldn’t accept my rejection, and he would stay by my side for life even if I rejected him.”
“So no matter what you do, he will always be your mate, from the sound of it.”
I could only shrug.
“Chastity, you need to listen to him, believe him, and pay attention to his actions. He is telling you all you need to know about how he feels, and what he wants. Nothing is going to change that. He is yours for life, and you trying to push him away isn’t going to change that.” Dee-Dee stated.
“He’ll get over someday.” I said quietly.
“No he won’t. It doesn’t work like that. It never has, and it never will. Now, I’m asking you to not do anything right now. Not while you’re so emotionally distraught. It will make the situation worse.”
“OK.”
“Thank you. Now I have something for you.”
“What?”
“It’s a journal. We’re going to fill out the first page together, then we’re going to talk about what you are
going to do with it.”
I only nodded. As she went to her desk, I moved back to the purple bean bag chair in the corner of her office. Lilac has fallen asleep against my chest, so I put my hand on her to keep her in place while I moved. By the time I sat back down, she was off looking for something to play with.
I was watching her as Dee-Dee sat down on her bean bag chair, and handed me a hard bound book. It was light purple with butterflies all over the cover. It was really pretty. It also had a light purple ribbon sticking out from the bottom. I opened it where the ribbon was resting in the book. It was full of lined, but blank pages. Next Dee-Dee handed me a plain blue pen.
“Turn to the first page for me please.” Dee-Dee instructed.
I turned to the first lined page, and looked to Dee-Dee.
“I want you write down the following. One sentence per line. Ok?” Dee-Dee told me, and I nodded.
1 am Chastity Bloomfield. I am intelligent, and determined. I am strong, and courageous. I am beautiful, and kind. I am caring, and supportive. I am more than just an Omega. I am Dimitri Bloomfield’s daughter. I am Brinna Bloomfield’s daughter. I am Jax Bloomfield, and Colby Bloomfield’s little sister. I am Braxton Goldrind’s big sister. I am Molly, Melissa, Lexi, and Norm’s best friend. I am Gina Druid’s friend. I am Rowen Druid’s mate. I am the future midwife of Moonlight pack. I am the future Luna of Moonlight pack. I am loved. I am special. I am important. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be supported. I deserve to be protected. I deserve to be alive. I deserved to loved.” Dee-Dee said.
I slowly started to write down what she said. When I forgot something, I would look at her, and she would repeat it. It took a bit, but I finally had it all down. I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear fell on the paper.
“Good job. Now for what I want you to do with this journal. I want you to write in it daily. It can be one sentence or multiple pages. It doesn’t matter. I especially want you to write in it when you’re emotions are running high. I want you to write down what you’re feeling, and why. I want you to write down what happened to make you feel that way. When you come for sessions, bring that with you. We’ll read through it, and talk about it together. Most importantly though, I want you to read that first page when
you get up in the morning, every night before you go to bed, and most importantly, when your emotions are high. Can you do that for me?” Dee-Dee asked.
“I think so.” I whispered.
“Good. Do you want to continue for today, or are you ready to call it a day?”
“….I think I’m ready to call it a day.”
“Ok. I can accept that. It’s been a hard one for you. Go get some rest. Don’t go to self defense class tonight. You need sometime to feel better. Working out is not going to help. Call Lexi, and Norm. Have them come hang out with you. Have dinner in your room or something. Don’t spend all day alone though, ok? You need to be around people who love you.”
“Ok”
“I know it’s hard to believe right now, but you will get through this. You will be ok. It will just take time.”
“Ok. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. I’ll see you on Tuesday.”
I nodded, put Lilac’s leash on her, grabbed my new journal, and went to my room. By the time I got there. Lexi, and Norm were already waiting for me. That evening I told them about my session, and showed them my journal. Lexi did get upset with me about trying to put her and Rowen together. She said he was mine, and meant for me. She didn’t want him She told me I had to keep him. By the time I went to bed that night I was so exhausted I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was drained in every way imaginable.