abcnovels
Chapter 69
Chapter 69
Chapter 69
Chapter 69
***Chastity***
I woke up the next morning with just enough time to get to class which was unusual for me. Norm, and Lexi tried to ask if I was ok, but I just waved them off. I didn’t want to talk about it. I was thankful that I had my homework done for the class early. After class I considered canceling on Dee-Dee, but knew that she wouldn’t allow that unless it was for class, or sickness. Since I had neither excuse I dropped my book bag off in my room, grabbed my journal, and Lilac then headed to my appointment.
Dee-Dee was waiting in her usual blue bean bag chair for me. After I took Lilac off her leash I curled into my usual purple one, and buried my head in my knees. Dee-Dee remained quiet which I was thankful for. I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t feel like talking. She seemed to understand that, and left me be. For a bit at least.
“I understand if you don’t feel like talking Chastity, and as I told you your first day here I won’t push you to. What I am going to ask for is to see your journal since I know you have it with you.” Dee-Dee requested quietly, and I handed it to her.
Once Lilac was done her usual search of the room for toys, or trouble she returned to me, wiggled under my t-shirt, leaned against the bare skin of my side, and purred. I could hear Dee-Dee flipping through the pages of my journal. I guess she was looking for my most recent entries. She must have found them because she stopped flipping pages. My last two weren’t so great. Tuesday’s entry I had been bothered by the girls that were throwing themselves at Alpha Joseph, Dimitri, Rowen, and Jax. Wednesday’s was all about my doubts at being a Luna. I heard Dee-Dee close my journal, indicating she was finished reading. “That’s some pretty strong feelings. There isn’t much I can say about Tuesday’s because that would anger me as well. I never understood the need to behave in such a manner. It’s not befitting of one who is in a position of respect, or anyone for that matter. I also agree
that girls your age trying to be with your father is, what was the word you used again? Icky. Yes I agree. I would feel the same way about my own father being hit on by girls that much younger. Especially if they were the same age as myself.” Dee-Dee said quietly, and I only nodded.
“I am glad to read you have some faith in Rowen to think he would turn those girls away. That is a positive sign.” She continued, and I only shrugged.
It was more that I knew he would when my brother, and father were sharing a suite with him. I knew Jax would try to kill him if he did something with another girl. As long as he knew about it of course. I didn’t say that or write it in my journal though.
“I have a feeling that it’s less about faith in Rowen, and more about the fact that you know your brother would stop him from doing something.” Dee-Dee guessed, and again I just shrugged.
There really was no reason to respond. It wouldn’t make a difference. She was convinced of one thing. and I knew the opposite. He would figure it all out eventually too. It was only a matter of time. They all would see it some day.
“Chastity, can I ask you a question please?” Dee-Dee questioned, and I shrugged.
If she insisted she could, but that didn’t mean I would answer. I really had nothing to say.
“What was your dream for your life?” Dee-Dee asked.
“Just to be a nurse, and midwife to my pack.” I whispered, but I knew she could hear me.
“Where did you plan to live? What about a mate? What about pups? Did you want any of that?” She questioned.
“Either in my own little house at the edge of the pack town, or with my mate at his house. I figured he would be an Omega like me or a low-rank wolf. Maybe a lower warrior at best. I would work at the
hospital helping people then go home. Maybe we would have a pup or two.” I said quietly into my knees. “How does that dream differ from your reality now? You’re going to school so you can learn to help people. Once you’ve graduated you’ll go back to your pack where you have a mate waiting for you. You’ll mark each other, and live in the same house. You’ll help people at work everyday then go home to your mate at night, and maybe have a pup or two later. Is what you have now, and will have in the future really that different from the dream you’ve had your whole life?”
I lifted my head, and looked at her, “Yes.”
“How?”
“BECAUSE HE’S AN ALPHA! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT BECAUSE MY MATE IS AN ALPHA!”
“So because he’s an Alpha your reality is different from the dream you had for you life? How?”
“…it just is.”
“I don’t really see how. You’ll graduate from here, go home, mark your mate and he’ll mark you. You’ll live in a house together. You’ll both go to work helping people. At night you’ll come home together, and maybe someday you’ll have a pup or two. Tell me how that reality is any different from your dream.”
“It just is.”
“But how? No he’s not an Omega, low rank wolf, or warrior, but other than that he’s just a man. The same as any other man.”
“But he’s not the same!”
“But how? Is he kind? Is he caring? Is he supportive? Is he respectful? Is he protective? Is he intelligent?”
“Yes.”
“So how is he different from any other male?”
“I… He just is.”
“You know Chastity, I’m going to say something, and it might make you angry, but I’m going to say it any way. You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it. Ok?”
“I guess.”
“Every time you are feeling good about yourself, and you’re happy, you see, and describe Rowen as the person he is. You see him as kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, supportive, respectful, intelligent, and an all around good man. On the other side of that, when ever you lack self confidence. When ever you’re doubting yourself. When ever you’re beating yourself up, and not seeing you for who you truly are, you stop seeing Rowen for the PERSON he is, and start seeing him for WHAT he is. You see him as an Alpha. Someone above you. Someone better than you. You beat yourself down so badly, and put him on a pedestal of what he is, not who he is.”
“If you say so. Nothing changes the fact that he is an Alpha, and he’ll always be better than me. He’ll always be above me.”
“But he’s not Chastity. Until he marks you, and you take on your role as Luna by his side, in pack order he out ranks you, yes, but as a person, no he isn’t. WHO he is, is at the exact same level as you. You are both kind, caring, thoughtful, respectful, loving, understanding, and intelligent. You’re both strong, and brave in different ways. Yes physically he is stronger, but I think. No, I know that you are stronger on the inside.”
“No I’m not stronger on the inside.”
“But you are. You were determined to try to make your dream a reality no matter what it took. Despite
what was happening at home, you never gave up. When your father originally told you that you couldn’t come to school here, what did you do?”
“I cried.”
“After that?”
“I went for a run, and planned to start helping at the hospital so I could learn when I needed from the nurses, and midwife Wanda.”
“Exactly. You didn’t give up. You were ready to reach your dream in another way if you needed to. That shows a lot of inner strength. Something that a lot of people who have experienced things close to what you have, did was give up. They gave up trying. They gave up on dreaming, or reaching that dream. They gave up on themselves. You never did that. You kept going, no matter what. You also continued to help. others. Many in your position don’t do that. They are barely surviving. Do you see what I’m saying?” 1
“…I guess sort of. I don’t know what that has to do with being good enough for Rowen or to be a Luna some day.”
“It means a lot because like I said when you are struggling with self confidence you stop seeing Rowen for WHO he is, and only see him for WHAT he is. You stop seeing how well matched you are as people. You are in every way. Maybe you don’t need to think of yourself as being good enough to be a Luna, and the Alpha’s mate some day, but maybe you need to remind yourself that as a person you are the perfect match for Rowen the person. That you are perfect as a person in general. Yes you are struggling emotionally right now, but as a whole Chastity, you are perfect.”
“…I just don’t….I don’t know.”
“I know you don’t, and that’s ok. You’ll get there. It’s going to take time.”
“But I don’t see myself as good enough to ever be a Luna.”
“I understand that, but can I ask you something?”
“I guess.”
“What is your definition of a Luna?”
“A strong female who is graceful, poised, and elegant. She is intelligent, and caring. She can fight for, and protect her pack like a warrior. She helps her pack, and supports them. She takes care of her pack. members when they need it. She is kind to everyone, and tries to see the best in everyone.”
“I see. Did you know that Lunas are not as poised, and elegant as you think they are?”
“Luna Clair is.”
“If Clair isn’t doing something pack business related or attending an event she is walking around in a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and old sneakers with her hair in a pony tail. She prefers it that way. She hates dressing. up, and NEVER wears heels. She hates then. Even when she has to dress up to look the part she refuses make up. She doesn’t carry herself with grace, elegance, and poise. She carries herself with confidence in who she is. You said that you used to spend a lot of time with Jane. Tell me did she always dress nicely, or fancy, wear make up, and do her hair?”
“Well no. She mostly wore jeans, and a tank top or t-shirt. Her hair was usually braided because it was really long. All the other Lunas I’ve seen on tv, or in pictures were always dressed up with make up, and
stuff.”
“Of course they were because they had to be. They were in a situation where dressing to impress was necessary. I’ll bet if you saw them in their pack everyday they would be dressed much the same as Clair,
and Jane do or did daily.”
“I doubt that.”
“What if I could prove it to you?”
“How?”
“You’ve been watching the feeds for the Alpha meetings, and I know you know about the meeting the queen is having today. I was watching it for a bit before you got here. The majority of the females in that meeting are dressed casually. Even the queen.”
“I doubt that.”
“Here. Come to my desk, and I’ll show you.”
Dee-Dee and I both moved to her desk where she already had the live feed of the queen’s meeting pulled up. A few clicks, and she had a close up of the queen on the screen. The queen had her hair half pulled back with a hair tie. She was wearing track pants, of all things, and a pink loose t-shirt, and sneakers. Dee- Dee clicked the mouse again, and let me look at a lot of the women at the meeting. There were a few that were in dresses, skirts, and pant suits, but most were dressed in jeans, shorts, sweat pants, t-shirts, tank tops, and sneakers. Most of them had their hair pulled back in some form of a ponytail or braid. I was kind of shocked. I followed Dee-Dee back to the bean bag chairs, and sat back down.
“That is what Lunas typically do when they don’t have to impress people.”
“But in other live feeds in the ballroom or dinner, they’re dressed up.”
“Of course they are. They are representing their pack in front of other leaders. In that meeting, and in all of the meetings Lunas, Beta Females, and those in training have attended they have been dressed for being comfortable. They dressed to display who they are, not what they are. Everyone in those meetings already know what they are. They want to know WHO they are talking to, working with, learning from, sharing. information with, helping, and building relationships with. Do you understand?”
“…I think so.”
“I hope so. Watch a few of the live feeds for the females, and you’ll see more of what I mean. It may also give you a better idea of what to expect in the future.”
“That’s if Rowen doesn’t change his mind.”
“He won’t, but we’ll leave that for another day. Back to your original thought on what a Luna is. Lunas are not warriors. Yes there are some who decide to train with the warriors or their mate will train them
themselves so they can protect themselves or their pups, but they’re not strong like a warrior or an Alpha. Rarely will you find a Luna fighting in a battle. Usually they are with the pack members that are in the safe house, consoling, calming, helping, caring for, and supporting them. Or they are in the pack hospital helping prepare for incoming wounded, or helping care for the wounded. They are VERY RARELY on the
battle field.”
“Luna Jane was. That’s how she died.”
“I heard. What you didn’t know was that Luna Jane did not GO into battle. She was on her way to the safe house to help the other pack members, and got caught by a couple of rogues before she could get
there. She tried to fight them off, but she was not a warrior.”
“But Alpha Joseph was beside her when it happened.”
“He was, but he wasn’t. She had mind linked him for help, and he was on his way to her. He didn’t get to her in time to stop the rogue that killed her. She was not there to fight though. She never planned to be.”
“Oh.”
“As I said, yes Lunas can fight, but only in an attempt to protect themselves long enough for someone to help them. You must remember Lunas are mostly Omegas. If not Omegas then low rank wolves so they are smaller than warriors, or high rank wolves. They are fast, but not nearly as strong. They can also only fight for so long before they get worn out.”
“Oh.”
“As for the rest of what you said, how many of those qualities do you have?”
“I don’t think I understand.”
“Are you intelligent, kind, caring, supportive, respectful, understanding, loving, and helpful? Do you look. out for your pack members? Do you help them when they need it? Do you support them? Do you see the best in others, and try to give everyone a second chance to do the right things?”
“I….um… I guess so.”
“You do. In everything you do You are kind to everyone you meet You are respectful of everyone, and how they are feeling You are supportive, and helpful to everyone who needs it. You are incredibly intelligent in many ways. You understand others, and their needs. You are very caring. You are everything a Luna is, in every way Just give yourself time You’ll see it What I think you may want to do
is let people know that it makes you uncomfortable when they bring up you being a Luna someday I would keep up your training with Luna Clair, but tell all those you love that any more talk about your future role needs to stop for now. If you feel the need tell them exactly how you feel when they bring it up so they understand how those types of conversations make you feel then do so.”
“Maybe, but I don’t want to upset them, or let them down.”
“Chastity, you will not disappoint them or let them down by telling them how you feel. You are allowed to feel any way you want. No one has the right to tell you otherwise. Those that love you will always understand, and support you”
“How do you know?”
“Because when you love someone you do what they need you to do to make sure they are comfortable, and happy.”
“I guess.”
“Start by talking to Rowen about how you’re feeling. See what happens. I bet he’ll surprise you.”
“I’ll….maybe I’ll try.”
“Good. I think that will help you feel less overwhelmed, and will give you time to build your confidence in yourself without the reminder of bigger things in the future.”
“But I should still train with Luna Clair?”
“Yes, but see it more as an extra curricular activity than training. Something that will benefit you in the future, no matter what you do with your life.”
“…..I guess I could try that.”
“Some times changing the way you think of something, but have people back off can help reducing the feeling of being overwhelmed, and questioning yourself.”
“If you say so.”
“I think it will help. Unfortunately we’ve come to the end of our time together today if you want to get to class in time. Here is your journal. Think about what I said about talking to Rowen, and everyone about leaving the future Luna talk to themselves for now.”
“Ok. Thank you.”
I grabbed Lilac, and my journal then headed back to my room to drop both off. Once I had my books for class, I left again. Class went quickly, but my conversation with Dee-Dee stayed in the back of my mind the whole time. When I reached self defense class I knew Lexi, and Norm could tell something was on my mind, but they didn’t ask. I appreciate that, as we were leaving Matt tried to stop me to talk, again. This time Lexi cut him off.
“She’s not in the mood to talk. Learn the signs of someone having a bad day, and when they just want to be left alone. It will help you in the long run.” Lexi growled at Matt.
“Back off.” Matt growled back.
“Just leave her alone. She has nothing she wants to say to anyone. If she wants to talk someday she’ll let you know.”
Lexi quickly pulled me out of the room after that. While we waited in line to grab dinner Norm chattered on about his day, and what he was learning about in class. I appreciated that he kept the focus on himself instead of me. When they both suggested we eat in my room, I agreed. I wasn’t in the mood for a crowd. We had just finished our meals when Lexi finally decided to ask.
“Alright, Chastity, what’s going on?” Lexi asked gently.
“I….I just have a lot on my mind.” I said quietly.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I…I think I should talk to Rowen first. It has to do with him.”
“He didn’t do anything did he?”
“No. Nothing like that. It’s just stuff that I need to talk to him about first.”
“You’re not going to reject him, are you?” Norm whimpered.
“No. Nothing like that. We’re fine in that regard. I just need his thoughts on something is all.” I responded.
“Oh ok. Well we’ll let you have your space to talk to him. I’ll take your dishes down for you.” Lexi said as she stood up, “Come on Norm.”
“But.”
“When she’s ready to tell us what’s up she will. Besides somethings need to be discussed between mates more than others.” Lexi said gently.
“Well that’s true. Night Chas. See you tomorrow.” Norm said with a wave, and a small smile.
“Thanks you two. See you tomorrow.” I waved, and they left.
A minute later Lexi text me and told me to call her if I needed her. I appreciated her for that. I sent a text to Rowen asking him to call me when he was free. He asked if I wanted to video chat instead, and 1
agreed only if it could be a private conversation to which he agreed. I pulled out my laptop, got comfortable in my bed, and waited. Within minutes he called, and I answered.
“Hi sweet girl.” Rowen said with a smile.
“Hi.” I said quietly.
“Chastity, what’s wrong?”
“…It’s stupid.”
“Nothing that’s bothering you is ever stupid. Tell me what’s bothering you?”
“…um….I….”
“Chasity, you’re scaring me here.”
“Sorry. I need you to stop talking about how I’ll make a great Luna or am acting like one already. It makes me uncomfortable, and it stresses me out, and I don’t want to think about that right now. I know you believe in me, but I…I just don’t right now. Hearing you say stuff like that just makes me doubt myself, and I don’t see myself the way you or anyone else says they see me. I just…..I need you to stop doing that for now. Please.”
“Oh. Ok, I can do that. I’m sorry I was making you feel that way. That was never my intention. I just wanted to make sure you knew that I believe in you. I never knew I was upsetting you. I’m sorry Chastity. I never want to do that to you.”
“Really? You won’t say anything about my future as Luna for awhile?”
“No I will not, and I’ll make sure the others know not to either. The last thing any of us want to do is upset you. OK?”
“O…OK. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome sweet girl. I really am sorry I was upsetting you. I never meant to. I am just going to ask one questions. It’s only because I want to know, not because I’ll see it as a good thing or bad thing, ok?” “OK.”
“Are you going to keep meeting with Clair?”
“Yes. I know that if all goes well I may one day be your Luna, and I need to be ready for that. I just….I just don’t want to talk or hear about it right now.”
“Ok. That’s not problem.”
“Thank you.”
“I take it that this is something that has been bothering you all day?”
“Since last night really, but yes.”
“So it hasn’t been a very good day?”
“Not really.”
“I’m sorry sweet girl. I wish I was there to hold you, and make you feel better.”
“I know.”
“Do you have a lot of homework?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you need to get started on it?”
“Yeah. Do you have work to do?”
“A bit, yes. Do you want me to let you go?”
“Ummmm. No. Not really.”
“Then I won’t.”
“Do you mind staying on video chat while we both work?”
“Not at all. I would love to see your beautiful face while I work.”
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“Thank you.”
“Anything for you sweet girl.”
I nodded, made the video chat window smaller, and got to work. We both did our work for about an hour like that. We didn’t really say much, but we could see each other. It was kind of nice, and something I wouldn’t mind doing again..
“Umm…Rowen?” I said quietly.
“Yes sweet girl?” He responded with a smile.
“I….um….kind of like this. Doing our work together like this. It’s kind of nice to just see your face as I work.”
“I like it too baby. Do you want to do this more often?”
“Would that be ok with you?”
“Absolutely. Seeing your beautiful face as I work, and seeing you working makes me happy.”
“Ok. Great.”
“How much more do you have to do tonight?“
“Not too much more. You?”
“I’m just about done.”
“Oh. Well if you need to go, you can.”
“Nope. I was going to grab my book, and read until you were ready to sign off.”
“Oh ok. Um…did the issue with the females stop?”
“For the most part yes. There were a few that were still an issue, but as per what the king said, they were sent home.”
“Oh good.”
“Did you watch the queen’s meeting today?”
“No. I haven’t had time.”
“I understand. Everything that happened here will be available to watch for about a month or so.”
“Oh good. Maybe I’ll watch it over the weekend.”
“Do you still want us to visit Sunday?”
“Yes please.”
“We’ll be there.”
“Great.”
“I can’t wait to see you.”
“Me too.”
“By the way, how did you do on that Anatomy quiz?”
“I only missed one question, and it was the smallest bone in the finger.”
“That’s great baby. I’m really proud of you.”
“Thank you.”
I quieted back down, and got back to work. At one point I heard papers shuffling, and looked up to see Rowen was now reading his book. I smiled softly, and continued working. When I finished, we said good night, planned to do the same the following night, and logged off. I slept much better that night. I was glad he was ok with not bringing up me being a Luna again for awhile.