abcnovels
Chapter 92
Chapter 92
Chapter 92
Chapter 92
***Chastity***
I have to admit that I’m pretty proud of myself for not letting the situation with Fiona’s therapist get to me. After I got home that night I thought a lot about what had happened, and even wrote about it in my journal. I found I was more disappointed in how the therapist handled the situation than anything. I wasn’t surprised by Fiona’s behavior. I almost expected it. Dee-Dee told me that my reaction showed growth. and healing. It made me proud of myself.
I did find myself, at times thinking of Fiona, and being worried about her wellbeing. I couldn’t understand why though. She had never treated me right in any way. In my heart I knew she didn’t deserve my worry or care. It didn’t change the fact that those feelings were there. After a week of that I decided to ask Dee- Dee about it during my appointment. Her answer made a lot of sense.
She said it was because of my caring nature, and who I am. As well as, in part how I was raised. I was raised to care for others. That had been my job for so many years that it just became a part of who I am. In the pack house it was my responsibility to care of those living in the house. Outside of the house I cared for pups, the elderly, sick and injured, as well as females in labor. It was only natural for me to be worried for someone I knew was struggling.
When I asked her what I should do about it, she said there wasn’t much I could do about it. I couldn’t just stop being who I am, no matter how hard I tried. She did offer to check up on Fiona for me, but the most she would be able to get is whether she was fine or not. She would not be able to get any specifics. I agreed to that, but something just told me that it wouldn’t settle my feelings well. I told Dee- Dee this, and
she tried her best to reassure me. Eventually I asked if I should visit Fiona.
Dee-Dee was very against this, as was everyone else. They felt that it wouldn’t be good for my healing. It was clear that Fiona had made no progress with her therapy given what had happened with her therapist. The general concern was that she would say or do something that would drag me back emotionally.
This was a topic of discussion with Dee-Dee for about two weeks before she read one of my journal entries that she said shed some light on why I was so fixated on Fiona. I don’t know exactly what I wrote, but Dee-Dee asked me a question that caught me off guard.
“Chastity, do you in any way, blame yourself for that fact that Fiona is where she is right now?” Dee- Dee asked me.
“…..what?” I questioned, very confused.
“Do you, for some reason feel like you’re to blame for Fiona being in prison right now?”
“I….I don’t know, I mean she is there because of what she did to me.”
“That is true, but it certainly wasn’t your fault. You didn’t cause her to end up there. Her own actions did.”
“True. I don’t know if I feel guilty about it, but at the same time….”
“At the same time, what?”
“Months ago she had a chance to end her sentence, and go live with her grandparents. Start a new life. If I hadn’t suggested that she tell them exactly why she was in the dungeon, maybe she would be living with them now. Maybe she would be doing better, surrounded by people who care about her. Maybe she would be in college or working a trade. Maybe she would be with her mate, and building a life for herself. She is in prison now because I insisted she be honest with her grandparents.”
“Do you honestly believe that Alpha Joseph would have really let her not complete her sentence?”
“…I don’t know.”
“He wouldn’t have. She was guilty of some very serious crimes. He gave the choice of her telling her grandparents or not. He was going to let them read her file themselves, but wanted to see what you felt about her telling them herself. Yes in a way he played a game, but he also wanted teach you, in a way, to stand up for yourself. Fiona was always going to complete her sentence. She had to. He would have looked like an Alpha who didn’t enforce punishments when laws were broken.”
“Why would he do that?”
“I know you don’t like to think or talk about it, but there will come a day when you will be looked to for leadership. You will be expected to uphold the laws, and carry out punishments. He needed to see if you could handle it wisely, and with compassion which you did.”
“Oh. I….I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“I don’t expect you to. The point I’m trying to make here is that you are not, in any way, at fault for Fiona’s current circumstances. Fiona brought all of this on herself. Also remember that while yes she is in prison for her crimes, she is also getting the help she needs to be a better person when her sentence is over. When she is released she will go to her grandparent’s pack, and begin a new life. She’ll have the chance. to do things right.”
“Do you honestly think she’ll be able to? Especially with what is going on with her right now.”
“I do, yes. The thing is with Fiona, is that right now she’s trying very hard to hold onto a belief she was raised her whole life with. She is slowly being shown that her belief is incorrect, but it’s hard to let go of something you were raised to believe. She had 18 years of being told she was one thing, and was doing the right thing, to suddenly being told she was lied to. That is a hard thing to get past. I think,
given time, and the right amount of help, she will let that go, and truly be better. It will just take time, and a lot of work on the part of her therapist, and her.”
“I see what you’re saying.”
“Of course you do because you’re experiencing the same thing. You’ve just made more progress than she has. That is because you’re in a different situation she is, but you are still doing the same thing.”
“I……that’s true. I never considered that.”
“Just please keep in mind that none of this is your fault. Fiona is where she is because of her actions. Not because of you.”
“….I’ll try. Can I ask you question?”
“Sure.”
“Is it wrong that I still want to see her, and talk to her? Maybe I can help.”1
“Is it wrong? No. Should you? I don’t think right now would be the right time. As I said, I think right now it would do you both more harm than good. You have come a long way, but Fiona’s mental state is still much the same as it was before your life turned around. She would not think twice about verbally attacking you, or even possibly attempting to physically attack you. That would potentially set you back, and possibly make her sentence longer. At this time you both need to focus on yourselves. If you two are meant to meet up, and have a conversation it will happen when you are both ready for it. Right now. neither of you are.”
“…I understand, and what you’re saying makes sense.”
“I hope so. I’m not saying don’t worry about Fiona. You can, and with who you are, you will. What I’m saying is that when you find yourself worrying about her, remind yourself that she I where she is
supposed to be, and she is getting the help she needs to lead a better life. She needs to focus on herself, just as you
do.”
“Ok. I can do that.”
“Good. Anything else you would like to discuss?”
I sat back, and thought about what more I wanted to talk to her about. I had a question I wanted to asked, but I was so embarrassed. It seemed ridiculous, but I didn’t know who else to ask. I thought about asking Molly, Mellissa, or Lexi, but every time I tried I would find myself blushing, and clamming up. Shaking my head at my self, I swallowed, and looked at Dee-Dee, red faced.
1…um…..when….when will I know that I’m ready to…um…….take the next step in my relationship with Rowen?” I whispered.
“As in marking each other?” Dee-Dee questioned.
“Uh. No. I’m not ready for that. I meant um… the…uh…the other thing.”
“The other….oh. You meant the sexual part of your relationship.”
“Ye….yes.”
“That answer is different for everyone. For the majority of mated pairs, the sexual relationship starts right away. It’s the nature of wolves. We’re sexual beings. It’s very rare for wolves to not mate quickly after meeting.”
“Jax, Molly, Ross, and Melissa waited.”
“Do you know why they did?”
“Jax, and Molly because Jax wanted me to meet Molly first. He wanted Molly and me to build a relationship first. Ross, and Melissa because they wanted to wait until they marked each other. Ross didn’t want to mark Melissa when they were still living separately because of Naomi.”
“Very respectable reasons, but not the norm.”
“Really?”
“Yes. On top of that Rowen waiting on you to be ready is far from normal for an Alpha. That just shows how much he loves, and respects you.”
“1…why is that?”
“We share our bodies, minds, spirits, and souls with an animal. Animals don’t see sex the same way humans do. For animals sex is about the feelings, pleasure, and procreating. Our animal side wants what it wants, and there is nothing else that matters. They want to connect with their mate on the most basic level. Our human side usually gives into the urge as well because we, like our animal, want what we want.”
“But I’m different?”
“Yes, but that is because of what you have been through. For years you had no control over what happened to you. You also had been taught that all touch is painful. You’ve needed to learn that is not the case. You also needed time to take control over what happens to you. Rowen knew that, and has respected that He will continue to do so. When you are ready to take the next step he will go as far as you let him.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
“All of it.”
“What scares you?”
“That I won’t enjoy it. That I’ll mess up by saying or doing the wrong thing. That I won’t respond the way he wants me to. That it will hurt.”
“Don’t worry, we all have the same fears in the beginning. That is totally normal.”
“It is?”
“Yes it is. I’m not going to lie to you. The first time you have sex is painful at first, but he will know how to make that pain short lived, and you will enjoy it. He will teach you the things he enjoys, and in turn will learn to do the things you enjoy. Yes it will be a learning experience as you both learn your likes, and dislikes, but it will be worth it. There will be times when one or both of you will not like something the other is doing, but you learn to not do those things. You also learn quickly to change what you are doing that the other is not enjoying to do something you will.”
“I…how will I know when I’m ready for the next step?”
“Listen to your heart, body, and mind. When all are saying you want to feel something, let it happen, tell him, or show him.”
“I…I don’t think I can do that. I’d be too embarrassed.”
“So simply say don’t stop. He’ll know what you mean. Also make sure to tell him if you want to stop. If you’re not ready, tell him. He’ll understand.”
“But what if he gets frustrated with waiting for me?”
“He won’t. He is your mate. He will only do what you need him to do. Rowen isn’t going any where.”
“How do you know that?”
“He’s your mate.”
“Yes, but…..”
“He did reject you at first, yes, but he has been by your side in every possible way, ever since.”
“True. Can I ask you a personal question?”
“You can.”
“How long did you, and Gary wait?”
“About 10 minutes.”
“You’re kidding?!”
“Nope. He was in my waiting room giving Abbey a file for a patient he had, and I was just finishing with a patient when I walked out into my waiting room. As soon as I saw him, I knew. We both struggled not to jump each other with others right there. My patient left, and I sent Abbey home. Locked my office door, and we didn’t leave for a good 5 hours. Three days later Alpha Jeremy did our mating ceremony in his office. Our first pup was born 7 months later. He was conceived the day we met.”
“That’s the other thing I’m scared of. I’m not ready for a pup yet.”
“No one would expect you to be. That’s what contraceptives are for. Both male, and female wolves have options Condoms are recommended, but mated pairs rarely use them. I can tell you from experience they take away from the experience of intimacy with your mate.”
“What other options are there though?”
“For a male there is a monthly shot they can get. For females there are shots, and pills.”
“Oh.”
“I have a feeling you’re not quite there yet though so you have some time to decide on contraceptives for you. You should talk to Rowen about it though. That way you can both be on the same page.”
“Can I ask what you use?”
“Before Gary I did the shot, and insisted on condoms as well. Now, we both do the shot.”
“You didn’t wait to meet your mate?”
“Chastity, I was 30 when I met Gary. We females have needs, and even unmated, heat does happen. Not as often as when you’re mated, but it does happen.”
“Oh. I…I have never gone into heat.”
“You won’t until you’re 20, unless you’re marked, and mated by that point.”
“Why 20 without being marked, and mated?”
“Nobody knows. Maybe it’s the Moon Goddess’s way to give us time to meet our mate.”
“But people still have sex unmated, and without going into heat ”
“Yes. Sex is a personal choice that everyone makes for themselves. Plus, as I said, we are naturally sexual creatures Especially males. Their hormones kick in, and that’s all they need.”
“Should it bother me that Rowen didn’t wait?”
“Should it? No. Will it? Possibly.”
“Why?”
“It might bother you because we, as wolves are possessive over what is ours. We don’t share Knowing someone else has touched what belongs to us is normal. Why it shouldn’t can all come down to mindset ” “What do you mean?”
“Just keep in mind that because he already knows what he is doing, he knows how to make sure you find pleasure, and one of you knows what you’re doing so it’s not one big fumble fest.”
“Molly said the same thing about Jax.”
“I bet she did. We, as females don’t like that another female has touched what is ours, but we are thankful to them for teaching our male how to make us feel very good.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“You’ll understand when you start moving in that direction with Rowen.”
“I guess.”
“Are you ready for the next step?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“Maybe I can help you. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on.”
“….this is so embarrassing.”
“There is nothing to be embarrassed about. Sex is very natural, and normal.”
“Iin a way I know that, but I’ve only ever had 1 conversation about sex in my life. I know it happens, but I know nothing about it.”
“In a lot of ways you’ve been very sheltered so it’s understandable that you know nothing about sex. You can talk to me, or just about anyone about it though. I wouldn’t recommend talking to Jax, your dad, or
Colby about it though. That may bring out the protectiveness in them.”
“I couldn’t talk to them about this any way. It would be too weird.”
“I understand that. So tell me what’s going on. Maybe I can help.”
“I don’t know. When Rowen kisses me my body gets tingly, hot, and stuff. A part of me wants more, but then I get scared, and he also pulls back because he is afraid of pushing me when I may not be ready.”
“Can I ask how much you two have done so far?”
“Just….um….just kissing. He did kiss, and caress my back once. That’s all though. He had to take a shower after tha.”
“I’ll bet he did.”
“Why though?”
“He needed a release, and the shower was the best place to take are of that without making you uncomfortable. Also to not cause him pain.”
“Yeah. Molly, and Melissa explained the pain part.”
“He showered to avoid both.”
“Oh.”
“So back to your question. Listen to your body. If it’s telling you to go further, listen to it, and tell Rowen.”
“I don’t think I could say the words or tell him what to do.”
“You don’t have to. Just say don’t stop or I don’t want to stop yet. He’ll understand.”
“Is there another way without saying the words?”
“If you feel you can do it, pull him back into kissing you, press your body against him, your body will send it’s own cues to him as well.”
“How?”
“Rubbing against him, holding tight, you may even find yourself moaning. They are all signs your body wants more.”
“Oh. I….that sounds so weird.”
“It does, but it’s your body’s natural response to sexual stimulation. If you catch your body doing that, and you truly want to try more, don’t freeze up, or pull back. Follow your body’s lead then follow Rowen’s. Neither will lead you in the wrong direction.”
“I’ll try.”
“You could also talk to Rowen about what you’re thinking, and feeling.”
“I couldn’t do that. It’s too embarrassing.”
“For now it might be, but it won’t always be, and you two will definitely need to talk about this kind of thing. It’s important to be on the same page.”
“I….I can see that.”
“When do you see Rowen again?”
“I leave to go home the Saturday before Thanksgiving. I’ll be home for a week.”
“Well while you’re there just follow your body’s lead. Also it might help to talk to Molly, Melissa, and Lexi.
Your girlfriends will help you in more ways than I think you realize. Try talking to Rowen if you can, but if you can’t, as I said, let you body do the talking.”
“….ok. I’ll try.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks. I think.”
“Well you better get going. You need to get to class. I’ll see you next week.”
“Bye.”
I left Dee-Dee’s office with a lot on my mind. I couldn’t believe I had talked to her about all of that stuff. I hadn’t been comfortable talking to anyone about sex in any way, expect for that once. I had experimented on myself a bit, and knew how my body reacted to certain things, but no one knew I did that. I had been too embarrassed to talk about it.
“I know what you do.” Leila giggled at me.
“Very funny Leila.” I chided.
“Doctor is right with all she said.”
“How would you know?”
“I don’t know. I just do. Listen to doctor. Also listen to me.”
“About what?”
“I know you’re not ready for sex, even if I am, and have been since we met mate. What I do know is that you’re ready for him to touch you the way you touch yourself.”
“What? No way would he want to touch me like that.”
“How else would he touch you Chastity?”
“I…I don’t know.”
“He wants to touch you. I know he does, and I know you’re ready to let him. I get that you’re scared, but there is no reason for you to be. Mate will take good care of you. Better care of you than you take care of yourself.”
“Better care? What’s that supposed to mean?”
“That is will feel even better with mate doing it.”
“How?”
“You’ll just have to trust me, and find out.”
“But I’m not ready for sex.”
“I’m not saying sex Chastity. I’m saying touch, kiss, and that kind of thing.”
“Kiss?”
“Don’t you remember what sister, and friend said about kissing in places other than you lips?”
“No.”
“I’m not sure I should remind you because you’ll shut me down quickly. All I’m going to say is let mate touch you, and see where things go. There are a lot of things you can do that feel very good without having sex until you’re ready.”
“I….I don’t know Leila.”
“Just try, and you’ll see.”
“Maybe. I need to focus on class now.”
“OK.”
I ended the conversation with Leila just as my professor walked into the classroom. I pushed all thoughts of kissing, touching, and sex to the back of my mind. That’s where it stayed until after dinner when Norm, Lexi, and I were in my room, doing homework. I considered talking to them about sex, but couldn’t bring myself to do it. That night I found myself having dreams about Rowen touching, and kissing me in places only I have ever touched. It just made me even more curious.