The Novel's Professor

Chapter 51 51: Aza Ledger

What made a human want to live?

It was a question that riddled him as a child.

Why? It was because he didn't understand what the concept of living was, and extensively, the answer to why do people continue to live.

In his small, ignorant eyes, the world was devoid of anything. It was a blank hollow void, enscapulating everything in it's path. It was at it's core, a vast area of hollow nothingness.

So that begs the question, what made a human want to live?

He was clueless. The world was a void of emptiness, it had nothing to offer which could pique his interest. He had wondered once if humanity as a whole was insane if they wanted to live on such hollow lives.

But later on, he was quickly proven wrong. There was in fact, something in the world, innately within every being, that made every living existence strive to live admist this hollow world.

It was so near, yet so far to him. It was within everyone except for him. It was something the living experience, yet not him. It was so significant, yet so insignificant.

...It was the emotion of happiness. Bliss. Euphoria. Joy. Fulfillment. Contentment.

The moment he heard that, he was utterly confused. What was that? What was the emotion of happiness? He couldn't understand—he couldn't figure it out. The concept was like a blurry image. It was a vague, and foreign concept to him. An enigma, perhaps.

Then, if happiness was the reason why humans want to live, what was happiness?

He yearned for the answer. He seeked for it tirelessly, even going as far to lock himself in his house for days and weeks just to understand and figure it out.

Now that he was seeing his past through his eyes, it was most likely the start of his depravity—Correction, It was his start to being the most humane of all humanity.

With his hard work, and the ability of the internet to extensively search for thousands, if not millions, of articles about happiness, everything quickly payed off. He had found the answers he was looking for, yet still...it had no use.

He had the answers on his grasp, yet he still couldn't understand it. But, he didn't give up just yet. The answers he had culminated on his research were plenty, he had the time to try it all out.

And so he did. He tried every single suggestion, and answer that could potentially lead him to feel the emotion of happiness.

The first and foremost, to spend time with his family. The first time he had seen that suggestion, he was bewildered. What connection does his family have to do with happiness? The idea of it was absurd. His family was the same as the world, hollow and blank to his eyes.

Even so, he still tried it. He spent his time interacting with his mom and dad, blooming an innocent and pure smile on their presence, and helping them with their problems. He did it over, and over, and over again, but...there was no feeling of joy.

And then he quickly scrapped the idea and did the second one, making friends and socially interacting with people. Suprisingly, he had the talent and knack for it. With his charming good looks, and some slight suggestive psychological tricks, he easily amassed a connection of to all people on his school.

And yet, once more, there was no feeling that came to him. His friends, to his eyes, were colorless question marks. They didn't give him the feeling of joy that he was promised. They were useless beings in the end.

He even tried helping people once, in hopes of feeling happiness. But he quickly dismissed that idea. He couldn't even help himself, how could he help others? It was a laughable notion.

At that point, he was close to giving up. There were no answers that led him to the emotion of euphoria. No experience that made him feel bliss.

...Maybe the existence called, Aza Ledger, could never truly feel the emotion of joy. The existence, Aza Ledger was intrinsically devoid of the feelings of bliss. He, Aza Ledger, was a defect of humanity.

If happiness defined humans, then he was a monster unfit to be called humane.

However, that proved to be false, as the existence called Aza Ledger did infact feel joy later on. Only, his joy derived from something that pained others. An immoral feeling of bliss.

The first time he felt joy, he had also felt regret. Immense aching regret, and maddening addictive supreme bliss.

It was night at that time. He was inside his house, staring at the blank ceiling like usual. He wasn't ready for what was about to happen. He hadn't prepared himself at that point. He was clueless of the change that would bring forth that night.

While his eyes were staring at the blank hollow ceiling, a scream suddenly resounded outside his room. It was a blood-curling scream, echoing at every part of the house.

The scream snapped him out of his daze, suprising him while his eyes stared at the door to outside his room. Slowly, he crawled out his bed warily while his hands grasped at the walls tightly.

"What's happening...?" He muttered, his hands closing to the doorknob. Then, a scream resounded once more. This time the scream was a man's voice. It was eeriely similar to his father's.

His eyes tensed, yet within his pupils an emotion of interest and fascination erupted. What was happening? He didn't know, yet his body was so eager to go outside and see it.

His body craved for it, urging him to unlock the door and go outside. But he held it in. His rationality and instinct made him realize that it was unsafe. He couldn't die yet, especially if he hadn't found the bliss he was looking for.

He needed a proof that he was no monster. He was a human. A human that could feel joy. However, not a single wish had not been distorted to a degree. He would have that proof, came with a price no other could stomach.

Moments later, the screams had quieted down. Footsteps echoed, making Aza gulp in suprise. So there was a person inside the house.

At some point, the footsteps had vanished. However, Aza didn't budge, he was still wary of a sudden ambush, he waited for several more minutes before he decidedly to risk it and open the door.

Creak..

The door creaked as it opened, his body stepped on the wooden floor. His hands held the wall tightly while his eyes were intensely focused on one particular scene. A scene that he would never forget in his entire life.

It was the scene of his parents, or family, guttered in the ground. Their dead body bleeding heavily, soaking the wooden floors of tint scarlet color. Their eyes were filled with emotion, ranging from suprise, hatred, and confusion.

...They were so beautiful.

Aza was shocked stilled. He hadn't known that a dead body could show so much emotion, yet beside that, there was something far more important. Far more significant.

He was trembling. His whole body quivered, while his heart throbbed so fast he thought it would burst. Along the exhilarating feeling, a foreign emotion erupted within him. The foreign emotion was addictive and maddening. It was enrapturing his psyche and mind.

"Ah..." Aza muttered, his body taking a step forward. His eyes wide open. His face morphing into what seemed to be a smile.

"..Is this the happiness I longed for?" He questioned quietly. His body stood over the corpse of his parents. Two different, contradictory feelings erupted inside him.

One was the unexplainable foreign feeling of happiness. It was a maddening emotion, enrapturing his mind, making his body tremble in excitement. It was supreme bliss. It was no wonder humans chose to live despite the hollowness of the world.

The other was regret, two thoughts of regret came to his mind.

The first is a monstrous, abominable thought. He envied the person that came here. He wished he was the one that enacted this scene. He wanted to feel it. The moment he grabbed the weapon, and striked it directly to his parents heart.

"...So, I am afterall.." Aza muttered, tears streaming down his eyes. His body fell to his knees as a loud resounding thud echoed in the house. Despite the regretting feeling inside him, the smile never wiped out.

The second regret was small in comparison. It was whisper similar to that of a devil. It was regret of being born at all. What was the reason he was birthed, if he was afterall, a defect in human society?

Was he even human? To feel pain over the desperation, pain and suffering of others, was something monsters felt. Atleast that was what he was taught.

In the end, he was no normal human.

He was afterall a mo—

Suddenly, the world stilled. The place silenced. It was like time itself had stopped.

"...The most humane of all," From the stilled world, a mature voice resounded. The voice was eeriely similar to Aza's voice, only this voice was mature and oldened, as if wisened by experience.

Right, he was afterall the most humane of all.

—

If he didn't feel happiness back then, he would have most likely killed himself before he turned 18.

Should he be thankful for the one that granted him of such?

Or should he despise the one that made him realize where his happiness truly lied?

Either way, it didn't change, that he was in fact, a monster in human skin. No—he had to digress with that notion, he is in fact, more human than anyone in the world.

He had read countless history books, philosophical subjects, and even had a conversation with a famous prestige Miracle Invoker. From everything he had gathered, he could conclude one thing:

'To be human, is to be greedy. To feel avarice, is to be human.'

If that conclusion meant anything, then he was the most humane of all humans. The greed within him overflowed, like a gluttonous beast without rest, it devoured anything that he would feel joy at.

"...W—why..?" A voice resounded beneath him, it was a soft and flowery voice. The echoes of the question gave him exhilarating joy. It was, without a doubt, supreme bliss.

"What do you mean why?" Aza asked, his demonic eyes gently staring over the person. The person was bloodied and injured, upfront her chest a long kitchen knife was stuck. He raised his hands as he put it over the person's hair, "Isn't it the duty of the girlfriend to make his other partner happy?"

"...Y—yo..u...psy..cho..." The woman muttered, her body laying on the ground as her heartbeat slowly stilled. Moments later, she was no longer breathing, the only thing in her eyes was regret and hatred.

"Clarissa, oh, Clarissa, you cannot hate me for this," Aza muttered softly, his hands tracing over the woman's face. No matter how many times he had seen her, she was still beautiful. "You must understand...I too, am human,"

"I seek happiness, joy and fulfillment like any other," Aza continued, "It's just...my joy is a bit different than others."

He knew it far too well. He was different than any other. He was born with a defect. At some point, he had questioned on why he was born at all. He was a devil in human clothes, a monster in human flesh.

He felt joy over others despair. He felt bliss over others pain. He felt happiness over others death. It was a cycle that addicted him, who knew happiness and joy could be so exhilarating?

It pumped his body, excited his blood, made his mind go addicted on the maddening emotion he felt.

"Ah, yes...yes..." Aza mumbled, his smile reaching his ears. This was it. This was the reason why he had accepted to be with the maiden of his university. It was to feel joy over killing a person that loved you. It was a goal he had ordained himself.

The bliss enraptured his mind, taking over his psyche and soul. It was a supreme emotion, surpassing anything. It was like an intoxicating drug, making him addicted to it. He wanted more. More. More.

However, his wishes were never granted by anyone, even during as a child. At some point, the joy vanished. Yet, compared to his other murders, he savored this more. It was the most exhilarating, intoxicating and blissful experience.

"Oh, how I wish..." Aza muttered, his eyes filled with madness staring at the ceiling. How he truly wished that this joy was eternal. This bliss was infinite, "...this happiness was everlasting."