There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 142: Catfished

Chapter 142: Catfished

The Order of Silver was outvoted. They went directly ahead. The factor was Estal’s determination to avoid filthy mud rooms and savage rituals of putting dirt on skin. Hazhur didn’t argue since they were here to explore everything so they’d get around to it all eventually.

Still, not even Estal could stop her murmur of appreciation when they stepped into a large cavern with twinkling lights and some realistic illusion of a crescent moon high on the ceiling that slowly shifted across the peaceful sky. The room was some homage to a lake-side cabin affair. It’s trees and bushes didn’t clump together to hide any monsters, and the lake was active with fish that occasionally splashed to the surface in brilliant flashes of gold, silver, and mixtures.

Off to their left was a circle of rocks, stumps, and fallen logs around a used campfire with stacks of logs nearby for ease of use.

“No traps that I can sense. But like that barmaid back in Horiful?” Karn said slowly before grinning.

“Just because they don’t see it as hiding doesn’t mean you won’t get a surprise when you get her skirt up. Not a bad surprise, just not for me,” he admitted as Estal shot him a disgusted look before she waved a hand.

“It’s a lake that is made of natural mana-infused water. A jug full of this stuff is already enough to bring in mages and alchemists. Natural occurring water like this just isn’t found so close to the surface or in such volume,” she said as she waved her staff about. Frowning, she leaned down by the lake edge, her staff recording conflicting energies.

“There’s something else... a few things... in this lake. I think that...” she mumbled, her staff prodding the lake surface. Her staff bobbed and she lifted it with confusion to reveal a red crab hanging on to the end with one claw.

“Urgh, it’s lousy with seafood,” she moaned, shaking it loose to tap the surface of the lake to make the surface turn slightly transparent as she layered a barrier spell over it, slowly filtering out the murk for a moment.

A circle about as wide as Estal herself became clear and at the bottom of the lake, only visibly due to its immense glow was a large blue crystal formation that pulsed gently. Hazhur was no merchant or wizard, but glowing crystal in a Dungeon was pretty valuable in his eyes.

“That's a water crystal... no, that's an untainted water crystal!” Estal squealed in delight. There was a tapping as the Ord... that name was a pain.

“What is it Oos?” Hazhur turned, the name coming off as ‘Oz’ aloud.

They were near a sign that said ‘Fishing and herb collection only. Don’t Duck around.-Nu’.

“It’s fine. I can’t read,” Karn said pleasantly. Oz tapped the pictures at the bottom of the sign with significance where it showed a stickman fishing or hugging a bush. This was followed by a long line of pictures crossed out.

Crystal mining, peeing in the lake, two people sharing a tent, and what seemed to be two people arguing over justice, money, and politics. All of those seemed to be ‘banned’ at the lake.

“If I obeyed every warning I ever read, I’d be a dull girl,” Estal said dismissively.

“You might also not be in severe debt to the Capitol,” Hazhur reminded dryly, getting a dark look in return.

“Watch my back. I need that crystal! I could do so many water repellent barriers or sell it as a water purifier!” Estal said, tapping her staff in a determining manner.

“How? As far as we know, no crafters have set up in snoozeville outside. Without crafters, your ‘treasure’ is going to break down unless it comes from a monster,” Karn pointed out. Estal brushed a lock of her hair back with a smirk.

“Old news, you stab-happy gremlin. Perhaps you haven’t heard that Dungeon Items only break down if exposed to outside global-mana. I just happened to have this,” she said, flourishing a big janky looking bracelet that was too big for her wrist and was gaudy beyond belief with an emerald in its center.

“I heard of storage rings, but a bracelet is new,” Karn said slowly. Estal hummed.

“It’s the newest model. It can store up to a variety of items, less if they’re magic, but still plenty of space. The added mass means I can also use it as a defensive bracer and it’s fashionable!” she said with a haughty laugh.

“The gold is flaking at the sides to show the copper underneath,”

“Shut it, Hazhur. It was an investment,” she snapped back, walking on to the lake with her magic heels creating stable platforms for her.

Oz was rapidly tapping the sign in a frantic manner, but Hazhur felt a bit bad the other two were ignoring them.

“You can lead a horse to water,” he shrugged at them before motioning towards Estal.

“But you can’t disown them,” he added helplessly. Estal swung her staff around in an arc in the air.

“Creatium Marinium Hookum!” she chanted with authority. From the tip of her staff, a long whitish line of mana flowed outwards, unspooling from Estal’s staff until she had enough to form a cross between a pickaxe and a hook on the edge.

“I really hate monthly wizard magazines and their budget spells. They all sound terrible,” Karn sighed.

“And you can’t read them?” Hazhur added, ready to swing into action the moment something began to overwhelm Estal’s barriers.

“They have nice pictures, but the content has to be garbage if Estal uses them,” Karn agreed. Hazhur would agree, but he knew the spell Estal was using. It’s original use was for a kid-size rod and a tiny hook. Estal had modified it with some work to be... useful.

That was his cousin alright. Talented to high heavens, but always falling short due to the weight of her ego.

“Gimmie gimmie some good loot... gimmie gimmie so I can give debt the boot!” Estal chanted as her magic line sunk into the water under her and moved deftly towards the crystal.

Her line abruptly stopped and Hazhur frowned, turning to see an oddly curious Oz fiddling around with a strange pedestal on the far side of the lake. Above them, the moon went from crescent to almost full in a few seconds.

“My line must be caught on another crab, it’s bobbing up and down,” Estal complained, yanking as hard as she could. The moon above slowly creeped to white fullness, lighting the chamber up like a dream.

“Estal!” Hazhur snapped as a black shadow grew rapidly under her.

“I almost have it, Hazzy! Stop... acting... like...I’m useless!” Estal said, face turning red as she pulled with all she had.

Karn and Hazhur moved across the shallows of the lake, both attempting to get to the wizard but a moment later, she was gone. Hazhur watched as her barrier utterly broke under the gulping of a giant fish that couldn’t possibly live in such a tiny lake. It splashed into the air, the last of Estal’s mana line being slurped up like pasta.

Then it vanished back into the lake.

Hazhur didn’t hesitate and dove into the water in a near perfect arc, his axe drawn. Karn cackled as he followed next.

---

Order of Silver Rank#299 stared at the slowly stilling lake surface. They were undecided on how to feel. On one hand, Hazhur wasn’t a bad person. Order of Silver Rank#299 enjoyed their sensible mind and calm attitude.

On the other hand, Estal.

However, on the other other hand. Karn.

So, that was two ups and one down for the party being wiped. Deep down, however, Silver#299 felt... a little perhaps sad that their time together was already over. It had been like having companions or, dare they say it, friends for a short time.

Friends they had to pay to tolerate him, but friends nonetheless. Silver#299 lowered their cloak to reveal a misshapen head of squished metal and flesh. A knight’s visor melting into a drooping eye and gaping mouth. Silver streaks twisted around their neck, intermingling with skin.

It was unlikely Silver#001 would be found here. Not enough silver. Silver#001 wouldn’t be around so much dirt and nature, but 299 found it quite enjoyable. Being in a Dungeon always was nice.

After a moment, the lake surface rippled to reveal the giant catfish creature. It’s mana-structure was a work of art. Chaos in motion that rippled like uneven stars to 299’s vision. Dungeon constructs usually had very little deviation in their bodies, but this Dungeon...

299 had yet to find a single repeating pattern. It was borderline insane in its magnificence.

The catfish opened its mouth to let 299 see inside, a dimensional space door staring back.

“Ah they’re not dead, but simply elsewhere. I am happy and sad. Sappy, at this news,” 299 said in pure mana-speak.

“You,” a voice said and 299 turned to see the fairy appearing before him.

“You’re wrong,” she said flatly and 299 flinched, but he had heard it before.

“Yes,” he agreed.

“You’re lucky you’re here otherwise a normal Dungeon would try to end you. Are you a corrupted Dungeon monster or a human in the process of being a contract?” she asked and 299 eyed her, a glowing eye igniting in the knight visor and his human eye managing to look at her.

“Yes.”

The word hung there for a moment.

“You're pathetic,” Mharia said and 299 flinched again, pulling his hood up to hide his face.

“But so am I. You’ll like it here, I guess,” she said and floated off. She paused to look back once, blond curls bouncing.

“Nu will hide you from the Sister and Brother until Delta awakes. You’re their ideal enemy. A dungeon being with it’s own growing seed. They won’t be happy or maybe they won’t care. I don’t know anymore,” she said and vanished.

299 stared and the Catfish nudged him with its tongue, inviting him to jump in. Making sure his hood was secure, 299 patted the fish.

“Thank you... cousin,” he said and hopped in, vanishing. After a moment, the giant fish sank without moving, eyes glued to the full moon with a gleam.

---

Estal moaned, her pillow feeling damp and slightly too squishy. The refresh and cushion charms must need renewing again. She would sneak them down to the academy’s laundry room and perform the magic there before the others could see.

Estal didn’t want Melenda seeing her with less than perfect appearances on room inspection. She spread the gossip that the ‘farm princess’ slept like her pigs back home. Sweaty and disgusting.

“That cow!” Estal snarled, snapping her head up, ready to throw a blasting ball at the magic-proof walls when she stopped. She wasn’t at the academy for talented Magi of the kingdom. She wasn’t in her single room while everyone else had roommates...

Estal wasn’t there.

Instead, she had been sleeping on some large protruding fleshy lump that was sticking out the wall of some... flesh... corridor. Estal inhaled and the taste of raw fish clung to her tongue.

The walls, the ceiling, the floor... the doors! It was all flesh, bone, and... s-slime.

Estal let out a soul-wrenching wail.

“I’m fishfood!” she said in horror before she saw Hazhur and Karn nearby, also staggering to their feet. Moment’s later, the creepy Silver guy emerged from the wall of flesh like a phantom, unbothered and upbeat as always.

Estal hoped he might have gotten lost.

“Where the heck are we?” she asked the others, remembering she had been so close to that water crystal. It would make such lovely earrings! It crushed her to know she might not get them now.

“Inside the monster fish. Some hidden room or something,” Hazhur grunted as he stood up, and Estal opened her mouth to say sorry for dragging them down, but he turned at just the wrong angle to look remarkably like her father. His annoyed... disapproving, and worst of all at times, uncaring expression making her clam up.

“Gee thanks, I wouldn’t have guessed from the drooling flesh and fish guts,” she snapped back.

Karn put his hand to the walls with little concern.

“It’s not the actual fish. The walls are cold and there’s no beat of blood rushing. It’s just themed I guess,” he said, looking around as water came up to their ankles.

The Order of Silver moved ahead, looking about as he touched what seemed to be a bony protrusion on a wall, moments later with a sickening squelch’ a door opened like someone took a metal scoop to the walls. Estal muttered a thanks as she stomped past, pushing her magic shoes to the limit to remain above the water. It might drain her mana just a little bit faster, but she would not walk in water that had crabs, eels, and what looked like broken pieces of white glass floating about. Karn lifted a big piece to show it was the moon in the lake, but crunched into smaller parts.

The fish had eaten the moon... a lot.

At least no one was telling her what to do...

A sign popped out of a flesh crack and hit Estal in the face with goop and mucus, the sludge going down her neck and into her dress.

Estal made a tiny growl in her voice and turned, only to nearly be hit with another sign that popped out the ceiling.

She made the growling noise again.

The first sign read ‘Welcome to the hidden First-Floor alt rooms! A fleshy space that will offer some biological challenges since I know you humans like your fluids and such. It’s called Jonah’s Revenge’.- Nu’

The other sign was a little more worrying.

‘If you don’t find an exit, the water slowly rises until you all pass out and potentially drown... I’m kidding. You won’t drown, but merely wash up on a lake a mile away from town and likely with all your valuables stolen. Good times. -Nu’.

“Where’s the exit?!” Estal said in slight panic. Karn looked around with a calm expression.

“If this is modelled after a big fish. I can think of three exits off the top of my head,” he offered and Estal stared at him in confusion for a moment before it dawned on her.

“I’m not going out a fish’s butt!” she said with the indignation of a priest confronted with his hidden ‘reading’ material by the sisters.

Hazhur put a hand on her shoulder.

“If Karn and Oz say it’s the only way? We have to go out the butt, Esty... let’s find the butt,” he said soothingly and Estal’s mouth dropped open.

This Dungeon was hell.

Pure... hell.

---

Alpha followed the demure ancient woman up a flight of stairs as she grumbled. The ‘Old Hollow’ Inn was sort of what a perfect inn should be if you asked Alpha. The slightly soft glow of candles and a fireplace spread light up the many floors as he ran his hand over slightly chipped and marked wooden banisters as the smell of bubbling stew and wax along with earthy smells filled his nose.

“At recommendation of Isanella... Madam Ghu can offer you a ‘premium room’,” she said, repeating her words from the front desk slightly. Alpha wasn’t sure who or... what Madam Ghu was, but the way she spoke wasn’t about the fact she spoke a different dialect... no Alpha was certain that the woman called herself ‘Madam Ghu’ because of some beneficial reason, as if it was both technically true and at the same time, not really her name at all.

They reached near the top where despite the fact it had a feeling of not having people visit it for a long time, there was absolutely no dust, dirt, or cobwebs to be found in the rafters. Stopping outside a very normal door, Madam Ghu reached into her sleeve with a boney pale hand that had expensive gold and copper rings on her fingers that sparkled with gems that would pay for a small plot of land in most places.

The key she retrieved also looked quite normal, but it was metal and... round... with sharp straight edges on its wooden... curving sides with glass teeth... and bone handle that meshed well with its... stone head.

“Stop staring, it’s rude,” Ghu reprimanded, breaking the spell and Alpha saw the key... was just a key.

“Apologises...” he muttered and she sighed, putting the key into the door that seemed impossibly big and small for a split second before it too... was just a door.

“Madam Ghu will collect you in the morning. You will leave the room when the sun rises, you will have breakfast. Staying in the room beyond checkout will be quite impossible. Now... enjoy,” the old woman said, more a warning than an encouragement.

Alpha once again considered just sleeping against Delta’s entrance and simply getting on with it, but he supposed he could look at the room. Inhaling, he took a step through the door and found himself in a single small room with a window.

He took a step and looked down at the soft blue plush carpet that his feet sank into. He looked up at the shade hanging down over a lightbulb... Without thinking, more on instinct, he reached over and flipped a switch, casting light over the room. To his left was a bookcase covered in hardback fantasy books, manuals for games, encyclopedias dedicated to ship designs, monster stats, and some space set aside for little plastic figures on stands.

To his right was a desk with a flat glass screen set behind a black row of keys with letters and a comfortable looking chair. A still half-popped can of soda sitting on a coaster looked right at home to the side.

Right ahead was a bed he didn’t know, but had known all his life.

He looked over at the table by the bed and saw a simple notepad for some educational purposes. He picked it up and opened it to the first page. On the first few pages were comments and corrections.

‘Need to work on your syntax, but massive improvement! - Miss D’

‘We went over this, so I have notes you can take home, see me when you feel comfortable. - Miss D’

‘I am so proud of you. 70%! - Miss D’.

Alpha dropped the book to the floor where it flipped to pages of doodles, a squibbling of a boy dressed as a knight slaying ogres and dragons, smiling. It was horrible art.

And of course, another comment.

Miss D had drawn herself as a sun, beaming down on the bad drawing.

‘It might seem really hard, but if you work with me, you’ll see all your problems are quite... light! -Miss D.

Alpha looked around, taking it all in.

He... he might need Madam Ghu’s help in the morning. He laid down on the pillow and a scent so strong hit his nose causing memories with no real detail to rise up.

He closed his eyes, settling into an unknown but weirdly familiar sleeping posture on the strange, but personal bed.

Alpha remembered dreaming of a smiling woman holding out a test with a big smiley face next to a 90% pass mark. She wore a tie over a woman’s shirt, a long skirt, and her face was blurred by light and hazy fogginess.

“Adam... you made it. You can go on the trip. I’ll drive everyone!”

Alpha curled up, resting deeply.