There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 166: Sea biscuits and Sea Hags

Chapter 166: Sea biscuits and Sea Hags

"Excuse me, Miss Yattina?" came a voice, and Yattina hit her head off the bottom of her desk in surprise. She muffled a curse as she put her hidden supply of travel mints back in their hole. She always did her best thinking curled up under her desk while eating ill-begotten sweets.

She looked over her desk, taking a moment to point her magic eye the right way, as it had fallen asleep when she didn't use it. It was the wonky-nose boy from the other day at the meeting.

"Gissipe!" she guessed with a confident smile.

"My name is Lim," he said awkwardly.

Yattina confidently tried to shrink back under the desk.

"Wait! I'm wondering if you could teach me more about Dungeons!" Lim said quickly, and Yattina shot back up.

"Would. If I 'would' teach you more. It implies that you think I can't otherwise," she insisted, and Lim looked puzzled. Yattina frowned at him in return.

"Why do you wish to know? I understand tactics and useful information, but that's covered by the Scout's training, is it not?" she inquired. Lim shuffled for a moment on the spot as if he was torn between staying or running away.

Yattina was intimately familiar with the urge.

"You made it sound good. I learned things. It was like a real school," Lim answered finally. Real school?

He made it sound like he hadn't had a formal education at all!

"Where did you learn? What school or area?" she asked kindly as she gestured for him to sit in the chair across from her. Her 'office' was nothing more than a prefabricated earth magic stone block, but she had decorated it with enough books to block out any hint of the gray color, which was a nice way of saying Yattina could barricade her door with paperbacks alone if she needed to.

Lim looked angry at first, then saw her face.

"You don't know?" he asked, something clicking for him.

"Know?" she echoed, feeling like she was missing something.

"I'm from the Diseased Hand," he said, and there was a pause. Yattina stared, blinked, and then she made a sharp intake of breath.

"I… am so sorry. Forgive my lack of tact," she said quietly, and Lim shrugged it off.

"Schools weren't as important as saving farmlands and fighting off the sickness," he said, and Yattina couldn't imagine it. She had read about it, but there was a disconnect between symbols on a page and a real-life extinction event barely averted.

The Diseased Hand was a tragic event, part of the 'Corrupt Wa r.' Three Dungeons had gone corrupt in the span of a week, each one expanded grotesquely underground until they merged into one. One Dungeon of air, a Dungeon of poison, and a Dungeon of adapting defenses.

It spread across the Right Grip, turning the lands black, and life was all but destroyed. A Saint of a Water God and two others purged the land and caused a massive tidal wave to sink part of it, cutting the hand off from the mainland.

Yattina had even heard that new Dungeons kept trying to form on that man-made island, but they didn't last long against the madness entrenched there for years. Not all of the inhabitants could escape immediately, and those left behind tried to make a life out of the broken land.

People like Lim's family.

That explained his questions… and why he was in Fairplay.

Still, better than what happened to the Left Fist. People didn't even get a chance to escape from that catastrophe.

"Well, what would you like to know?" Yattina asked as she shifted books around until she found a basic map and the basic standard guide on Dungeons. A very solid book written by 'Terri Bilis Frater.' The first of its kind, the unknown hero described both basic traps and the 'methods' of Dungeons on the first few floors.

"This Dungeon in the area is weird, right? I've not been in another Dungeon yet, but I heard they're easier by a long shot?" Lim asked as he idly rubbed his wonky nose. Yattina watched the motion like a cat, fighting the urge to reach over and re-break the nose for the boy's sake.

"Yes… and no," Yattina began and tapped the book written by Frater.

"Difficulty is selective at early stages. It depends entirely on what the Dungeon first consumes to grow," she explained.

"For example, did you know this Dungeon near Durence didn't consume mushrooms, people, or earth as its first material?" Yattina said as she tapped a wonky compass near her desk.

"What did it eat? Rocks?" Lim asked curiously, and Yattina showed the boy her instrument.

"This is a very expensive tool that 'dissects' mana, for a lack of better terms, refining them to match Mana signatures of other things. One can even match two signatures to a near mirror, this tells us what the mana has in it; the deeper we dissect, the closer we find what it first consumed. Much like the rings of a tree stump," Yattina said proudly.

She slowly turned a dial at the side, showing the orange Mana flashing through several things like suits of armor… bones… slimes… cauldrons, and what looked to be animal skeletons.

She kept turning the dial until it shot past mushrooms, a man with a gun, three hunting types, what looked to be earth clumps and the image distorted badly on the last slide.

"What is that?" Lim asked, voice suddenly quiet as if he was witnessing something important. Yattina slowly adjusted three small dials, and the image slowly came into focus.

A skull stared back at them, hauntingly judging them.

---

Wyin knew this salt was going to be terrible for her hair. Her swept-back branches blooming in flowers were now droopy with salt. Salt floors, salt water, salt animals, salt air, and now Wyin was salty.

This Dungeon was making her mad, but not as mad as the guppies chasing them. Why wouldn't Delta just let her filet the damn things and be done with it?

They splashed through the water, letting the Salt Bats slow the enemies down. The entire group of thirty Seahagans had entered the Dungeon, but their large number worked against them in the tight corridors and sharp turns.

This was why groups stayed under six people, she presumed.

Fewer fish in a barrel moments.

"Get the Sandwalkers! Find the Jewel for the Queen!" one of the large creatures snarled, the green scales around its face bright red as if it had taken a bite of its comrades in the struggle.

"If fishies not in water. They still fishies? They still not Sandwalkers?" Foodie mused, ignoring the drama and threats against his life to question life. Delta couldn't even be mad at his sudden progress. Foodie had made two floors since this chase began. Thirty Seahagans, Delta, her monsters, Vadellen, and who knows what else were pushing a ton of Mana into the usually solitary Dungeon.

If it took 80 Mana to get to floor 8, then so far, Foodie must have gotten about 180 Mana since Delta arrived. Mana Bursting was horrible, and she didn't blame Foodie for dumping the excess Mana into things. It also annoyed her because she noticed something else.

Foodie didn't have DP.

He just had Mana.

She asked the system as she followed her monsters into the first major room.

A human soul generates a constant flow of sentient ideas and awareness. To prevent your mind from exploding, anytime you would 'think' to make a serious change permanent, you'd get locked down until you had enough DP to do it on your own time. Dungeons do not get Dungeon Poi-… Delta Points until floor 25 or 30. They simply don't design or desire complex things requiring self control. DP is possibility of the soul. You had a soul from the start -Sister.

Wait… if Foodie was made up entirely of Mana with no sparks of DP, then those weapons… those tools of Fairplay formed from their souls and seeds, they wouldn't just 'damage' Foodie.

They would utterly distort or scar him.

---

"Now, when a Dungeon's theme is known, it doesn't give people an automatic advantage," Yattina explained as she poured Lim and herself some brisk hot water with a dash of fruit. She hadn't a clue what fruit was in the fruit tea. She just drank it because her options were coffee, blood of some poor scribe, or protein shakes.

Yattina had issues with all of those things. For one, no one used a disinfectant wipe on the scribe after they were done. It was so unhygienic.

"But if you know it uses fire, you can focus on water, right?" Lim suggested. Yattina eyed her Mana-Dissector with a frown, putting it away for now so she could ponder the results alone later.

Some things were best done alone.

"Fire… what is fire?" she asked Lim, and the boy blinked once. She was curious about what he knew, and this was a good question to lead him off.

"Hot air but really hot," he said after a moment.

"Not quite, but the idea is this: Has the Dungeon figured out fireballs? Heatwaves? Molten stone? Elemental sprites? Sunlight? A theme is so much more than a single approach. The first ten floors, you can be excused for thinking a monofocus can be normal, but Dungeons are always learning. Knowing a Dungeon's theme is only step one of a long, long procedure," she said softly.

"Scouts say as much, but how do you figure out what it's done with its theme?" Lim said, and Yattina took a long sip of her fruit(?) tea.

"The hard way, sadly."

---

As the first Seahagan entered the room, Jeb hurled a Salt Crab at its face, letting the thing go to town with its claws. When the next one entered, Delta watched as Foodie's first new trap was set off. He had made it shortly before Vadellen arrived.

A long salt stalactite cracked and fell down sharply.

"Salt. Spike." Foodie said smugly as the Seahagan toppled over.

Delta winced and didn't stare at the result; she kept urging her team forward.

"Mad at me?" Foodie asked, sounding worried, and Delta shook her head.

"I just don't like violence or blood," she explained.

"Violence?"

"Hurting others," she whispered as they ran along a winding path of the room. It was a narrow road with deep sea pools on all sides filled with spiky stalagmites just below the surface. Most of them were blunt, but it was a good use of the environment.

"Tally, ho!" Lord Mushy turned and buried his fist into one of the Seahagans that had leapt at them over the gaps in the pool with a wicked red blade.

The creature's yellow eyes bulged, and the ridges that made up its face paled before it exploded back and hit a wall, sliding down with a twitch.

As the last of Delta's team made it through the next tunnel, Foodie stopped holding the traps back and let them fly. As the next group chased after them into the tunnel, a cloud of salt was lifted off the ground and into their eyes. Some of the salt on the ground had been extra large flakes to make it worse.

One stumbled back enough that it tripped and fell into the pool, hitting the pillars underwater hard. Ten more of the Seahagans rushed in afterwards, ignoring their comrades.

"Show me the meaning of haste!" Delta yelled to her monsters, throwing her hands up in panic.

Wyin raised one of her hands and showed Delta exactly what she thought of moving faster than an elegant gait.

---

"So, say you can get their themes down and general trap placement, what other issues can a first floor have?" Lim asked, taking notes with little pictures. It hurt Yattina to see him reduced to that, but she also felt impressed that he carried on anyway.

"Well, it is rare, but there can be a puzzle. It's not common, but I've read reports," Yattina said and found a book in a pile nearby on the particular topic and opened it.

"This is the Twin Dungeons of the Left Burden. An artistic rendition of the room just before their boss," she showed Lim, who looked enraptured by the knowledge she was just sharing with him. Yattina had a book or two that had maps and pictures like this with smaller word counts. Maybe the boy would like to borrow one?

Lim opened his mouth.

"Scout Blackfield, you're supposed to be doing patrol duty!" snapped a voice, and Yattina looked up to see some Blade she didn't recall. Lim jumped to his feet, pale and shocked at the words.

"I'm… sorry, sir-" he began, and the Blade clucked his tongue.

"Just because your brother was worth his salt with a blade doesn't mean you get to act like you're special," the brute growled. Yattina twitched, something about his words-

"Just because your sister is the Summer Maiden doesn't mean you're worth anything, stop trying to be like us."

"Does your order supersede mine? Second Lieutenant?" Yattina asked slowly, her voice taking on a detached tone. The blade blanched as if he hadn't even noticed Yattina… in her own office.

"Captain Yattina. Ma'am. Cadet Blackfield is expected at-" he began to speak, and Yattina held up a hand.

"He is to remain here and continue working on classified work under my command," she said finally. She looked at him.

"His talent is promising enough that I hand-picked him myself. Tell his superiors that he will be transferred promptly to my personal squad," she said, and the Blade's jaw dropped. That promotion would instantly make Lim a first lieutenant.

"I would like to offer my services!" the man said, quickly, as if sensing an opportunity escaping him, and Yattina slowly looked at him from head to toe.

"I'm sorry, I just don't see anything special about you," she said and sipped her fruit(?) water. The man left a moment later, his voice refusing to work.

Lim looked shell shocked.

"You're going to promote me?" he whispered in a strained voice. Yattina shrugged.

"I'm supposed to have a six-man squad under me. I have none, so welcome aboard," she said and poured the rest of her water into a nearby fake plant. The thing curled at the tips. Lim swallowed hard once.

"I can finally pay for my parents to get off the Diseased Hand," he said to himself with clenched hands.

Yattina didn't know what to say to that. Maybe she should look into the charity that helps that part of the world? It could use more funding maybe?

"What about your brother?" she asked very slowly.

"He died in a new Dungeon to the east. A Snake Dungeon that is off-limits due to its birth or something," Lim explained sadly.

Yattina opened her mouth, then took a moment to answer.

"I think my sister died in the capital. She won't respond to my letters, so I have to presume so," she offered in return.

A sort of peace came over them both. Sharing in their loss seemed to allow them to trust one another just a little.

Yattina looked down at the Twin Dungeon's puzzle room on the first floor. It was a very simple design, but it set the tone for the rest of the journey down their floors.

The door had six panels. On one side, you placed a tablet from a nearby table, and on the other side, you placed a concept that opposed it.

A bird on one side, a fish on the other. Fire on one, ice on the other, and so forth.

Still, puzzles were rare on first floors.

---

"Foodie, we don't have time for this!" Delta warned as Jeb sat against the door into the chamber, having no trouble keeping the Seahagan out by the sheer benefit of his girth.

"Solve!" Foodie insisted with a whine.

The puzzle before them showed two coral 'buckets' of salt. The puzzle gimmick appeared on two floor panels around the room. Jack took one bucket and placed it on the very obvious rough stone square, and it sank down a foot or so. Wyin did the other, and the door began to grind open.

It began to open… so slowly.

"You. Worth the weight in salt!" Foodie announced proudly. Delta had to admit, she liked that one.

"They stick me with sticks. Jeb will fire back," the troll announced, and the ground shook as he passed gas, causing the Seahagans to screech and retreat.

Wyin and Jack pushed to the exit, trying to pull the doors open faster, gagging. Vadellen looked green, and Delta had gone fully immaterial. She was not dealing with that.

The boss laid ahead of them… it just stood there like a lifeless doll. It didn't even have a cool entrance!

---

"Bosses tend to be lackluster on the early floors. Many Dungeons simply take a monster and scale it up with some Mana," she told Lim, who still looked a little stunned at his promotion.

"Are there any exceptions?" Lim asked curiously as he drew a little stick figure, then a massive one.

"Hm, a few. The Ruby Dungeon is notable. Its first floor boss is a mirror," she said, pointing to the red circle on the map in the middle of the Long Stretch Desert.

"Really, how did that happen?" Lim asked, eyes alight with wonderful delight. Yattina enjoyed this… this sharing of her passion.

"Oh, there's many stories, but the fan favorite is that an ancient Sultan's concubine was about to be replaced with a younger model. She took her most precious possession, a beautiful jeweled mirror, and hurled it out the window and across the desert, where it smashed into the very ground on which the Ruby Dungeon would form," she said, putting on a slight story-teller embellishment to the tale.

The likely factual story involved the desert being super heated by an event and the area around the Ruby Dungeon actually being a valley of dangerous glass shards, but there was no need to ruin it for Lim.

"Mirrors represent self-love if you overuse it, right? So that would explain the Dungeon's obsession with 'pretty' things. It was born out of a tool used to check beauty because the concubine's life depended on it!" Lim said excitedly, looking on the edge of his seat.

"It's a possibility. The First Floor boss picks one person in the adventurer party and mimics their power, but stronger. The trick is to stand so close together that the mirror creates a horrible, inefficient mess rather than a faithful recreation," Yattina smiled.

Lim looked impressed.

"Still, the average boss isn't as impressive. Just big bruisers tends to be the theme," Yattina admitted.

---

"Then you aim for the kidneys!" Wyin instructed with a vicious example, knocking the Seahgan down in a heap before she caught another by the throat. The nearby massive Salt Crab looked on at the scene with a flicker of… attention.

"If there's more than one, use them against each other! People are squishy, and they squish together!" Wyin howled in bliss.

"Wyin is so cool! I wanna be a warrior when I grow up! Can I visit your Dungeon when I do?" Vadellen asked Lord Mushy, who hummed.

"We'd be most happy to receive you," he promised the lad.

"Crab Suplex! More force!" Wyin yelled out as she kicked another Seahagan, the creatures looking more ravenous by the second and never ending. Thirty had come in initially, but by now, far more than fifty had been knocked around.

Delta frowned as she felt the Seahagaagainstn slowly begin to retreat, but there was something at the entrance… a far more potent seed than before. It reminded Delta of Devina. A being in touch with nature, but this one was like a storm. Like innocent people being smashed the rocks. Like a violent wind…

Destruction and not creation.

"Enough playing. Something is coming," Delta whispered, and Wyin stopped laughing and threw the two in her hands to the side. All Delta's monsters could sense her emotions.

"Lord Mushy, Vadellen's life is in your hands. Foodie can't open the door to let us through unless his boss is beaten," Delta cautioned. The being had reached the first room, and the water moved around it, salt pillars cracking as it walked past. The salt trap went off, and the cloud was parted as if a blade had been swung through it.

The air itself was this creature's tool.

"As you command, mother. With me, lad," Lord Mushy directed the boy to an alcove off the side of the room, hidden from all who entered the boss room. Mushy was the best to hide. While not incapacitated by the salt water, he was weakened greatly by it.

The creature drew closer.

Delta clenched her hand.

---

"How can anyone take these Dungeons on?" Lim said, shaking his head at some of the creatures.

"We just used more effective killers," Yattina said bluntly as she sorted through her paperwork to sign off on the promotion.

"Those with cores have massive potential. The closer we advance to a goal or mission, the more we grow. The more important the mission is, the truer it is to who we are, the faster we develop. Not only that, there are those that engage in unspeakable acts," she said, her voice turning frosty.

"Breaking the core or draining it of its Mana through vile magic can take its potential, its power to make fantasy into reality… and make it your own. Lands wither, water runs dry, monsters rise in fury, and disaster comes when an established Dungeon is destroyed. One person can doom thousands for power," she explained, remembering the many cores she had studied in pieces.

"Such practise is banned, but it wasn't always. Many wars have been fought over the ripest of Dungeon Cores. Terrible wars in which a horrible silence always seems to follow in the pages of history," she sighed.

"Some cores deserve to be broken. Not for power, but for what they've done," Lim said, putting his pen down.

"The one that killed your brother?" she inquired gently. Yattina was surprised when he shook his head.

"Those are just… Dungeons. I don't mind them. It's the ones that took my home, turned the water, land, and sky black. I hate them," he whispered.

"You'll be happy then. Corrupt Dungeons are basically reverse Dungeons. They suck in all life and Mana, draining the land until it crumbles away into the void below. They are to be destroyed at all costs. The Diseased Hand is… tricky because of the three combined forces. We've hit one or two, but the last always brings them back," she explained, feeling oddly guilty that she hadn't done more to help… that Fairplay hadn't.

But the Maidens began to vanish only months before the corrupt wars erupted.

"So, I just need to make my core strong, and I can beat them?" Lim asked, almost childishly at this point.

"Strong cores have risks, Lim. A desire for more power, the nightmares, the Edge sickness, and more. You have to temper both soul and Core," Yattina said, and Lim leaned in.

"Can you teach me?" he asked eagerly. The researcher closed her eyes and then smiled.

"Sorry, I don't have a core," she said, getting the awkward statement out before it could build. He stared at her in shock.

"How?" he asked. It seemed even Lim knew everyone had a core… should have a core.

She pulled down the top of her sweater slightly to show a massive burn scar that started at the collar bone and spread across her shoulders.

It covered most of the front of her body, focused around her chest.

"The last time I saw my sister was when she did this. I can't do magic, and I don't grow like others, but I've got my mind and my books," she said tightly, forcing a smile.

"…You're still worth more than the idiots flinging fireballs about or showing off some magic axe they'll never use," Lim insisted and looked down at his feet.

"My brother didn't have a strong core, and he was amazing," he said stubbornly.

"I appreciate the kind words, but I know my own worth quite well, even if others don't. Still, we can't deny that under the right conditions, someone's core can grow beyond their peers. A sort of refined seed that comes from long lines of warriors, talented magicians, or those that push themselves to the limit. A child of that line has such a Core that even if it was starved all their life…the husk alone could crush normal men," Yattina said firmly.

"What do we call them?" Lim asked, holding a book in his lap.

"Most Cores have the clinical term of 'Normalized Person Core.' I was one, you may be one, the baker in the city is one, a lot of guards and warriors could be one. For those with extreme growth? The correct term is 'Refined Core Users,' but a less flattering term is used by the public. Those with such power are said to be owners of 'Monster Cores.' Primal power that no normal man can possess," Yattina whispered, in case someone was listening.

"Do Dungeons have an official 'term'?" Lim asked, leaning in as if he was ready for a secret.

Yattina thought about it.

---

Delta watched as the hulking ten-foot Seahagan moved into the room, bringing a torrential rain cloud with it. Its core was… scary big.

Not as big as Mharia's, nowhere near as big, but noticeably.

"Turn back," she warned it, and it could hear her.

It turned black eyes with endless depth to them at Delta.

---

"If strong people are Monster Cores, then Dungeons have equally worrying names in the public. Dungeon Cores, Dens of Evil, Murder Holes," Yattina listed.

---

"I will rend you aside… and take my prizes," the massive Seahagan rasped, holding a thick staff made of bone and black seaweed.

"The Jewel, and the human child for supper," it said, drool leaking down its chin between bloody red teeth.

Delta narrowed her eyes, her aura flickering dangerously.

"Do not threaten them," she said in a simple tone with no emotion.

---

Yattina chewed her pen and looked out a nearby window.

"Dungeons have different names in different parts. None are flattering. Some are known as 'Bloody Butchers'; those who take fresh kills and reuse them for their gain. Some are 'People Killers,' and others are just called 'Demon Machines,'" she explained, and Lim eyed her for a moment.

"What would you call them?" he asked, and Yattina blinked.

She had never thought about it before.

"I suppose…" she trailed off.

---

"I will not retreat," the Seahagan hissed.

Delta raised a hand, eyes glowing orange and slightly blue.

"Then you will not proceed either," she promised. Her hand dropped, and her monsters moved like blurs.

---

"I suppose I'd call them 'World Builders.' They just help us and the world so much… they're not parasites, they hold the world together by building new Mana veins," Yattina said with a wistful look to her.

"Eh, it's a bit technical," Lim said, grinning to show he meant no offense.

"Oh, and what would you call them? Still-currently-a-cadet Blackfield," she said with a raised brow.

"Their names, if they have one," he said and stood up to start putting books away.

Yattina watched him go. What a sassy child. Still, his logic was solid. A name told you everything when it came to Dungeons.

"What does yours mean, 'Delta'?" she whispered.

---

"This is not how Jewel Dens work," the creature snarled, as it had one long cut across its arm.

Delta crossed her arms, blazing with Mana.

"I'm changing the rules. I've had enough of these rules where it's the bad ending or the worst ending. My name is Delta, and I won't back down," she announced as Jeb picked the Seahagan up and began to slam him across the walls, ignoring the balls of pressurized water cutting into his skin.

"You are chaos, damnation in the Mana!" the creature howled in pain.

Delta looked over at the hiding Vadellen and shook her head.

"I'm just a failed Dungeon Core," she said, and Wyin began to bind him with roots, which he cracked trying to escape.

"A jewel… den? Then where is your treasure? Where is your gold?" the Seahagan hissed in mockery.

"Where is your legendary lut?" it gargled, the word sounding like a personal slang.

"Please, I'm far too so-fish-ticated to be needing gold," she scoffed, and the creature, Wyin, and Jack all cringed.

"Come down to my Dungeon soon, you monster. Heck, stay here once I teach Foodie the ways of the Delta. There's no epic loot here, only puns!" she grinned, and the storm above them broke.

"You do give out spider panties," Wyin commented.

Delta pursed her lips.

"On'tday entionmay ethay iderspay antiespay," she said, making slicing motions across her neck.

Some people simply didn't need to know about the Queen Victoria Secret's she was running in the Spider Room.