Tunnel Rat

Chapter 309: Tanstaafl!

Chapter 309: Tanstaafl!

Butch raced for the pie, but Minn's movement speed was better, and her legs were three times as long. Butch caught up to her as she stood there, staring at it.

"You won, so you get to take a bite of the obviously poisoned or trapped pie sitting in the road."

"That's why I'm checking it out first. Belinda, can you identify the pie? Is it poisoned?"

Belinda was sitting on the ground, leaning back against a large rock. "Nice day for taking a nap in the sun, isn't it? You're big adventurers now; you guys figure it out."

Kenji looked at the pie. "It's a normal berry pie, not poisoned, and no enchantment on it."

Brad walked up, looked at the pie, and kept going. "We don't have to eat the pie, take the pie, or anything. It's obviously a trap." Yumi agreed and walked past. Kenji joined them, leaving the brother and sister pie aficionados still debating whether to eat or leave.

Minn looked at the sign. "I'm actually not hungry, and I bet that means eating the pie will do something." She joined the group. "Up to you, Big Brother."

Butch debated, but he really was hungry. His class came with the downside of burning calories three times faster than normal and needing to eat as much as someone three times his size to fuel his abilities. It hadn't seemed like much of a downside compared to getting Rock Hard Skin and some cool combat moves. As his stomach rumbled again, he took the pie and bit into it. "This is the best thing I've ever eaten!" He quickly finished the pie, taking continuous bites. The dark berry juice left sticky stains on his mouth and fingers.

The rest of the group waved for him to hurry up and join them. "Let's get moving then."

"Oh no, sir, please don't be leaving so soon." Stepping out of a foot-high berry bush near the pie was a ten-foot-tall ogre. He was gnarled and warty with a large nose, bushy hair, and huge feet. His tattered clothing might have been a tuxedo several decades in the past, with only the polka dot bow tier remaining in good condition. He held out a small white cloth to Butch, steam coming off of it. "Hot towel, sir?"

The rest of the group held still. Butch gingerly accepted the towel from the large creature, a whiff of its breath making him wince. He used the towel to clean his hands and face before handing it back. "Thank you."

"Think nothing of it, sir. What would a delicious meal of pie be without a hot towel to help you clean up? After dinner mint?" The creature's hand held several small candies. Butch took one, chewed it, and a fragrant coolness filled his mouth. "Wow, those are good."

"Perhaps the others in your party would like to dine?"

A chorus of 'My, isn't it late' and 'Thanks but no thanks' indicated no one else was hungry.

Butch went to join the rest of the group, but as soon as he did, the first ogre was in his path, and a second stepped from a bush on the other side of the table. This one was dressed in a similar manner but was a foot taller. He handed Butch a piece of paper torn from a large book and written over in charcoal.

Piece of Pie: Complimentary.

Ambiance: 5 Gold pieces.

Hot Towel: 50 Gold pieces.

After Dinner Mint: 100 Gold pieces.

Mandatory Tip to staff: 42 Gold Pieces.

Total: 197 Gold Pieces

Butch wasn't quite sure how money worked in the game, but he knew two things. One, that was too much to pay, and two, he had no money at all. "I'm a bit short; I'll have to owe you."

"That you are, sir. But don't worry, we don't hold an accident of birth against you. After all, you didn't choose to be a gnome. Who would?"

"Funny guys. No, I have no money. I'll pay your bill later after we get some treasure."

The first ogre sighed theatrically, "So disappointing. Our first customer in ages, and he tries to dine and dash. Truly, I thought better of you, sir."

"I think it's his stature. He is trying to claim that somehow, being a little pipsqueak lets him neglect his fiduciary responsibilities."

"Truly shocking. This new generation of customers is such a pain to deal with. They have no morals at all."

"Well, we do have a few million pots and pans that need cleaning back at the cave. A hundred years as a scullery maid will be good for him."

"And he'll look great in an apron." A frilly, grease-stained apron was pulled from somewhere.

"Hopefully, he can handle the job. He doesn't look like the sharpest knife in the drawer."

"More like a dull spoon."

"We must make do with what comes our way, sadly."

Butch looked at the apron and took a step back. "I'm not washing dishes, and I'm not wearing an apron." He held his hammer in both hands and glared at them.

"Dear me, he's going to be difficult. Should we call security?"

"That might be best; there are other riff-raff loitering about, with probably not a copper piece between the sorry lot."

"They look shifty and keep staring at us."

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

"Country bumpkins, brother, who haven't seen handsome fellows like us before."

"Mongrels and half-humans, the lot of them."

"Except for the Empress, but she is obviously not with the rest."

"They must be following her, hoping for scraps and hand-outs."

"At least they aren't pie-thieves like this little turd."

"Come along; there are dishes to wash."

"Pots to scrub."

"Silverware to polish."

"Cups to clean."

"Spoons to sharpen."

"Cullenders to cleanse."

Each creature went to grab him by the arm. Butch ducked to the side and swung his hammer hard, aiming for the waiter's knee. His blow hit hard with a sharp crack, and the ogre cried out in pain, hopping on one foot. The second ogre produced a huge club and stepped around his partner to hit Butch. Butch circled the hopping Ogre as well, slamming his shoulder into him and knocking him down.

Minn took the opening to sprint forward, leap into the air, and strike at the prone ogre's heart. Backed by her strength and weight, along with the spear's bloodlust, she drove the enchanted weapon completely through the ogre and into the ground. "First kill!" She took hold of the spear with one hand and danced in a circle around it, celebrating in the tradition of her tribe. The ogre's companion was busy chasing Butch, who was busy trying not to get hit. It was a lot harder than he'd imagined, and he'd taken two grazing hits that made him wary.

The last ogre spun, seeing the dancing Minn, and wound up for the hit like Willy Mays facing off against Sandy Koufax. He took a step toward her, adjusted his stance, and then brought his club around in a flat arc, twisting his hips and gaining power from every muscle in his body. Minn had just finished a trip around her fallen foe when, too late, she saw the club coming her way. It caught her in the chest with enough force to shatter three ribs and launch her into the air, coming down somewhere in the forest. She was found later stuck in a pine tree, unable to move, and a trio of squirrels nibbling at her toes.

Everyone else paused momentarily, then charged the remaining Ogre, who yelled, "Security!" Two more ogres stepped from the small berry bushes. These were dressed in dirty, sleeveless shirts and worn pants with brass knuckles gleaming on their fists. They grinned and surrounded Butch, who found himself hemmed in by legs thick as tree trunks as all three ogres concentrated on him. He got in two good hits, taking two hits to his head that stunned him. With all three hitting him at once, there was only a headstone left when the other Kenji and Brad attacked the ogres from behind.

Kenji sent in a wolf made of briars and sticks to attack one ogre and summoned vines to slow the other two. "We need to concentrate damage on just one. Start with the guy in the tuxedo."

"I'm Borrowing your spell. Cast something else." Kenji sighed as Brad stole his Entangling Vegetation spell and summoned another of his wolves as the first went down. With two sets of vines, the ogres were struggling to move.

Yumi flew up several stories high, then dove straight down at the ogre Kenji had pointed to. Unable to move, her spear strike hit him hard, and both of them were knocked to the ground. The wolf went for the ogre's throat as it ineffectually batted at it, one arm unable to move because of the wounded shoulder and the other constrained by vines. The two security ogres smirked at each other. "Concentrate damage, you wonder where they got that idea." Before Yumi could rise, both laid into her with brass knuckles. Brad and Kenji, seeing her plight, charged the security team, attacking with staff and knives, but couldn't save Yumi any more than they could save themselves when the ogres each grabbed one of them and began pummeling them.

One heavily wounded ogre and one with a few bruises looked over at Belinda, who was lounging against a tree. She smiled at them, "Not my circus and those aren't my monkeys. I was only hired to patch them up. There is nothing to patch, so my job is easy."

"A healer, huh? How much for a couple of Restore Health and Heal Bruises spells?"

She gestured to the two dead ogres, "How about I do those and toss in two Resuscitation spells? Call it 193 gold, put it toward the gnomes' bill, and we call it even?"

"Yeah, that works. I think they learned a lesson or two."

Belinda brought back the fallen ogres and healed them all. The waiter in the tuxedo thanked her and offered her a small certificate on white parchment. "Please take my card and visit our fine establishment. Chez Grunge is known for fine pies and delicate gopher stews." They wandered off down the pathway, and Belinda got to work finding bodies and resurrecting the group. As all of them sat, nursing headaches and experiencing the horrible feelings of the death debuff, she told them how the fight had ended and showed them the card.

Chez Ogre - Good for a free lunch for a party of six.

Butch looked at it. "Dad always said, 'There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.' I guess that includes free pies."