Casual Heroing

Chapter 168: The [Hero]'s Dilemma

It is unsettling. What? Killing.

I’m staying at an inn, and rumors are already going around town. Hell, even the [Innkeeper] asked me if I knew the Human who just killed an Elf in front of an [Archmage]. So, yeah, things are going like that. Am I bothered by the mess? Not really. That’s not what’s bothering me. To be honest, I couldn’t care less. I’d actually be happy if someone barged in here and started screaming or something like that.

Why?

Because I feel a bit jittery, that’s why. You know how sometimes you don’t realize you have had too much coffee until someone points out that you are literally shaking and tapping your foot at 200 mph? Well, no one told me anything like that yet, but I think that’s pretty much what’s going on with me. What’s going on here is that this whole thing is a huge mess, and I underestimated its effects.josei

I could cast [Calm].

“No, thank you.”

That’s not the first offer from Lord Juler, even though it’s certainly the most considerate. But anyway, I have noticed after sitting down that my mind is still going way too fast for its own sake. It’s like my brain fluids are being compressed by what just happened, and the fact that no one really said much makes me feel like I got away with murder too easily. I would actually enjoy dealing with a problem right now to feel less… abnormal? I don’t know. Adrenaline is pumping through my body, infecting my every tissue. And I don’t like it. I don’t like this agitated state. I’m a person who does things calmly – hell, being calm and uncaring is my brand. Here, instead, I’m close to having a panic attack. And the more I think about it, the more it self-fuels.

But that’s good.

I tell myself that all of this is good.

Murder shouldn’t be light on your conscience. The fact that I’m actually reeling from it means that I am sane or that I am not a real monster. It wasn’t solemn, nor was it dignified. I splattered a man’s brain on the ground like nothing. And I don’t feel sick. I feel agitated. I feel like I committed a crime, and I will be arrested for it, but not like I just did something bad. How is that for a change? And you know what, that’s exactly why I’m feeling like crap. The fact that I’m guilty on a more ethical level compared to a moral one. The fact that I have no problem with what I did, the fact that it’s my stupid body who can’t take it and not my mind.

My mind is there, placid in a storm. That’s why I got the impression that I had actually been calm in the aftermath when, in reality, I was spiraling. It’s just that some of my fears, the rules that my culture and society placed on me… just evaporated. And part of me feels elated by the thought. Part of me feels free. In fact, what could be more human than killing another man? It’s a grim thought indeed. But killing is what Humans have been in business for since time immemorial. So, is this feeling good, or is it wrong? Should I be feeling guiltier or less guilty?

How am I supposed to feel?

…

What the hell?

I open my eyes to the ceiling and a bright sun from the windows. The duels in the arena were fought at dawn. But the sun is high in the sky, and the clock on the wall signs midday – which is 13.5/27 here if you remember about the time change.

You needed sleep, Joey Luciani. Your body naturally collapsed.

“Oh, you definitely put me to [Sleep], didn’t you?” I said with a snort.

I’ll behave myself around a young [Mage] only the day he reaches at least the status of a [Grand Magus]. And maybe answers his own questions the day he becomes an [Archmage].

Dear old Lord Juler.

But it’s true; now I feel much, much better. The horror of what I did is still there, but it gnaws at my soul with less abandon. Now, it’s a crouching tiger, ready to leap again at my first fall. But nothing is tearing me apart at the moment, and I can finally think clearly.

[Heroes] struggle with the weight of their deeds. Few Vanedenis ever stopped to consider if what they did was wrong or not. They still gave themselves a firm answer, though. Yes, they pondered. Many days – years, even. And some always had such thoughts at the back of their mind. However, they became great because they still rode forward to what they considered right.

“Lord Juler, I don’t want to be disrespectful…”

But you will still say whatever disrespectful notion you just brewed in your head.

“There’s a gap between my knowledge and your knowledge, ok? You saw a lot of shit. You participated in a huge-ass war. And that’s very cool, mind you. But without having any direct experience of what you are saying, an empty speech like that could just be an Instagram caption under a picture of a big pair of melons and a toned tummy. I need to experience stuff. I don’t know, maybe I’m being unfair, but your speech right now isn’t doing much. One day – I’m sure – I’ll look back and say, ‘yo, Lord Juler was so right, man, I’m a total idiot.’ But for now, I need to figure some of this stuff out on my own; only then can your words take on a deeper meaning. I have read too much to be amazed by someone saying that self-doubt is good, but you better not self-doubt too much.”

Your wisdom does not befit your age, as usual, my student. But you are rushing your words. Let me explain myself in terms that might be more apt, then.

I remember you saying in the ancient language, ‘Omnia Munda Mundis.’ Very fascinating. Especially when you take into consideration that it comes from a magicless world without [Herous]. But no better words could describe the Hero’s Dilemma.

“The what?” I ask.

Hero’s Dilemma, Joey Luciani. The one reason millions of people of many races died under Mauser. The same reason one man became a monster while Princess Valaris became one of the most shining flames. The Hero’s Dilemma could be summed up as your ‘Omnia Munda Mundis,’ also known as ‘Everything is pure to those who are pure.’ Mauser believed in such a principle without quarter. And Valaris did too. They were two sides of the same coin. So, you could say that every [Hero], with or without the actual class, has to believe so. If they don’t, they can’t be [Heroes]. You can’t really become much if you don’t believe you are absolutely right, obviously. But it’s especially true for a [Hero]. That’s the class that is based more on belief and faith than [Priestess], [Druid], or [Paladin].

But the difference is that a [Hero] has a harder and easier job than them. He has not to believe in any superior entity, in any strange force. He just has to believe in himself. But we are mortal, Joey Luciani. We die; we make mistakes. We are not perfect.

So, what do you call someone who believes in themselves so deeply that they change everything around them?

A [Hero]. That’s what you call them.

Is this speech more adequate to your standards?

“Huh, I guess it is.”

After that, I spent several hours pondering those seemingly simple but actually convoluted and obscure words.