Casual Heroing

Chapter 219: Revelations

“Are you sure you are not a homosexual?” Anneus smiles wickedly, noticing how upset I got after such an assumption.

“Yeah, absolutely sure. I like women, Anneus.”

Alba keeps looking depressed by this piece of news. I mean, what’s the matter with this girl, huh? What does she mean by a noble that fled his country because of a goddamn homosexual affair? What is this person even reading in her free time?!

“Other guesses?” I sigh.

“You had an illicit child some time ago, and now you came back to take care of it!” Amelia screams while clapping her hands in excitement.

I simply stare at the woman and choose to ignore what she just said.

“Next?”

“You are a criminal?”

That’s Marcellus for you.

“Technically, yes,” I smile. “But in practice, not really. Oh, by the way.”

Almost forgot.

I take out the baguettes that everyone among the students seems to love. That girl, Cassandre, has created a raging culture revolving around phallic pieces of bread filled with everything you could possibly imagine and more.

“So, there are still a bunch of other things. Marcellus, your first guess was somewhat close to home. Anyone else?”

Zahra opens her mouth, but I instantly point a finger at her.

“Don’t you dare!”

“Come on, [Colonel], we both know who you are. Just drop the game,” she smiles.

What?

“What?”

“You are [Colonel] Abrax!”

I look around, trying to understand if anyone in the room knows who Zahra is talking about, but all I see are faces as confused as mine. It seems that the name doesn’t really ring a bell to anyone here.

“Wrong, apparently,” I muse.

The woman falls into a meditative silence and looks at the ring on her left pinkie. Whatever just happened, I should check her file later – there was a lot of military gibberish, and probably the answer to what just went down right here.

“Next?”

“Gioeius, or whatever your name is, wouldn’t it be faster if you just told us?”

“Adrastus, my man, you are a mood-killer. Where’s the fun in that, huh?”

Plus, if these people will never talk to me again after knowing my real identity, I better take my sweet-ass time.

“So, do you have any guesses?”

Adrastus sighs and shrugs.

“Are you perhaps the Human who killed Appius and Alba, the two future [Archmages] of the academy? I don’t know, Gioeius, come on. Just tell us. Who are you?”

“What? Alba was going to be an [Archmage]? Ah, I didn’t know that. Well, better like this then. I wouldn’t have wanted such a person in the high spheres here at the academy.”

Suddenly, the atmosphere freezes over. Everyone stops fidgeting with books, baguettes, their clothes, their hair, and others’ hair as well.

I smile.josei

Yep, people. I didn’t deny it.

I raise my hand and snap my fingers, still smiling.

After a few beats, I remember that I actually have to deactivate the disguise myself. The snap of the fingers is pure theatrics; it doesn’t actually do anything.

“Yep, I’m the Human. Made a couple of deals with the [Archmages] after my talk with the [Dean]. I will release a lot of knowledge on old magic and Cantrips to the public. In return, they will vouch for me and protect my ‘reputation,’ so to say. Long story short, I’m not a criminal anymore. And even before, for your information, I was challenged to the death. They made me do it. The only person I almost killed who didn’t want to get killed like an idiot was the Vanedeni guy, the disciple of [Princess] Valarith.”

Adrastus is the one who immediately reacts violently to the news. He jumps on his feet, taking out a wand and pointing it at me.

“I mean, man, no offense, really… but do you think you could do anything to me when I put Appius to fertilize the sweet ground of the academy?”

“You are a traitor!” Adrastus exclaims.

In response, Anneus raises one of his crutches and smashes it on Adrastus’s head, downing him in one go. See, when I say ‘smash,’ I mean he almost broke the magically reinforced crutches.

“Holy,” I say while checking on Adrastus, who’s clutching his head in pain.

“Take a potion,” I say while fishing out some superior stuff I still have from before the duels.

“I don’t want nothing to do—”

Anneus rains another blow on the poor man on the ground.

“Anneus!” I shout, “you are going to kill him!”

“Fucking deserves it,” Anneus nods, “doesn’t know you and reacts like that? Fuck him.”

Jesus, pal.

“Ok, ok. Don’t worry. Adrastus won’t say anything stupid again, right, Adrastus?” I look at the man who’s groaning in pain on the ground. He nods vaguely while contorting his face in several illustrations of pain.

After helping Adrastus up, I see that Zahra and Alba are pretty chill at the news. Marcellus looks at me in admiration, and that’s a bit weird. The others have a pretty standard reaction, nothing much. People don’t freak out like crazy in real life, it seems.

Had this been one of the Korean dramas that my mother likes so much, there would have been a hell of a reaction.

“So, yeah, I’m Joey Luciani, people.”

“How you doin’?” I add immediately.

…

“You became a teacher? And you are also going to be a student? [Archmages] will attend your lessons?” Anneus asks, putting in words what everyone is thinking. It’s not even a real question; at this point, it’s more like asking for confirmation when something utterly absurd happens.

My little group is now basically a little celebrity clique. I told everyone that I would still participate in the group activities and that instantly made us famous. Students love school drama, and hell, I’m basically Meteor Garden on steroids.

“Yes to everything. [Archmages] wanted to be exonerated. But I told them that we were doing it my way. And guess what? They are so greedy for knowledge that they accepted it. Cool, huh?”

“How did you not get murdered?” Anneus asks, confused.

“If push came to shove, I could probably kill an [Archmage]. Probably. Not sure at all. But I am definitely going to be the next big thing, the next super-strong [Archmage]. And you know why?” I wink at them.

Everyone hangs on my words as if I’m going to reveal God knows what arcane secret to ascending to Archmagery overnight.

“Because I’m too cool. That’s why.”

“You are Joey Luciani,” Aurelia, the [Alchemist] responsible for the potions, speaks up. She has not interacted with us much so far, even after being put in our group. She has mostly stuck with Sabina, although she doesn’t give me the impression of being shy.

“The one and only, baby,” I wink again.

“My mom visited your bakery in Amorium,” she says, stupefied. “She’s an [Alchemist] and said that you have invented a new fermentation method for bread!”

“Oh, cool, cool, cool. I have a terrible memory, so I’m sorry if I don’t remember your mother. Did she say she enjoyed the food?”

“Well, she’s been traveling all over the country,” Aurelia sighs, “but she did mention in her letters that she loved your food. She also said that she had to get out of Amorium or risk becoming so fat she wouldn’t be able to move around a laboratory.”

“Oh, the biggest compliment for any [Baker] is seeing your clients get fat at your doing,” I smile.

Just got an idea.

If I ever manage to go back to Earth, I’d like to become known as ‘public enemy number one’ to the Diabetologist Society. Or whatever the diabetes-curing people are called.

“So, now what?” Anneus asks, looking around the auditorium and the people trying to pile on top of each other to reach us.

“I need to get somewhere else before we do anything. Meet you guys tomorrow at the lecture in the morning!”

“We have no lessons tomorrow morning,” Sabina mumbles.

“Well, whatever. Come to my house, then! I’ll make some treats for all of you. Promise!”

…

I look at a colossal compound with tons of people gathered from all over. It’s right in front of the Adventurers’ Guild, on the opposite side of the street. Delicious smells are coming from it. I put a cigar in my mouth and take Princess Bianca in a regal Princess-carry.

“Hell, do you think they forgot about me?” I say, only half-joking.

The pig squeals loudly and shakes her head.

“One can only hope,” I sigh and go inside the place.

As soon as I put a foot in the humongous bakery, I’m overwhelmed by its whiteness – not in a racist way – and its refined style. But it also has a kind of ‘woody’ feeling that makes everything feel cozy; this way, the ragged adventurers don’t look too out of place, but it also makes the place look incredibly elegant.

Looking at the counter, I recognize a woman who used to be homeless. I absolutely do not remember her name, as you would expect from me. But I remember she was a terrible [Baker], and we decided to put her at the counter. It happened around the time Stan disappeared on me.

Oof, man.

Feels weird.

I walk up to the counter with the white Wallorian Treasurer in my hands and smile.

“Hello, this place sucks. Can I speak with your manager?”

The woman looks at me with a confused expression at first, but when she takes a better look, she almost doubles over.

“FOR ALL THE ROTTING LEAVES!”

I swear they make up these expressions on the spot. It can’t be a thing, come on.

“Agrippina, stop shouting at the customers!”

An angry Camilla comes out of a door that seemingly appeared out of nowhere, all covered in flour. When she sees me, she goes: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.”

No exclamation point, for some reason.

I give her a custom-made Luciani-trademark wink and smile toothily.

“Sup, lady? I know I’m handsome, but we are in a workplace; can’t you keep it down? Other people here are trying to work—”

Camilla tackles me so violently that I feel the air punched out of me. Oof, she punched me in the stomach too. Oof, another punch.

“YOU?! WHAT ARE—”

Oh, shit, the news of my coming was propagated to the Watch, right? But the Watch didn’t have a reason to alert my friends, I guess.

“Camilla, girl, you put on weight, please,” I say while trying to remove her from atop of me. Princess Bianca, the smartest in the room, jumped away from my arms and up to the counter the second she saw Camilla charge.

“Camilla! What are you doing to that customer—” Flaminia’s words die in her throat when she sees me winking at her while my face is still red from the pain of soaking all the blows from the angry-crying Camilla.

“Nice buns,” I say, looking at the tray the woman carries in her hands.

“JOEY?!”

“Oh, shi—”

Flaminia throws away the tray in a very irresponsible act of food wasting and jumps on top of me as well, crying immediately.

“You came to Amorium the last time, and you didn’t come to us?!” she punches my stomach, helping Camilla, who was keeping up with her murder attempt.

“If you let me get up, I could explain—”

“WHO IN THE HIGHEST TREES IS MAKING ALL THIS NOISE?!”

Clodia comes out of the kitchen with a long wooden spoon while a bewildered audience is still catching up with what’s happening.

With a little bit of physical prowess and a lot of magical intervention, I remove both Camilla and Flaminia from atop of me and dust myself off.

“Yo, Clodia,” I smile, “I hope you ran the place tightly in my absence.”

“What are you doing here?” Clodia looks almost scared for me.

“I’m back, baby,” I smile. “Got all the charges—do you call them charges? The accusations? Whatever it is. The nobles who wanted me to drop dead? Got them all to fuck off because I allied with some [Archmages]—listen, it doesn’t matter. I’m back. That’s all. I’ll teach at the Nine Towers Academy, but I’ll come back almost every day to be sure things are running smoothly. I mean, as soon as I figure out the spell myself, that is. You know, spatial magic is a huge pain in the ass. And the Mana cost! Hell, I’ll need a ritual. Catalysts. Stuff. It will be expensive. But I’m rich, I think. Also, are we making money here? How much money do you owe me again? And what was the split? Hell, I forgot a lot of stuff.”

As I’m speaking, I see two figures stumble through the kitchen door with wide mouths and nearly frozen.

“Hehe, my two managing [Chefs],” I smile at Tiberius and Quintus.

“We got the recipe you sent secretly,” Tiberius says while his fake leg clacks on the floor.

“Hope you managed to make it. I’m in the mood for a Mimosa.”

The two adults, both veterans of war, both ex-homeless, and both my favorite employees, start tearing up as they look at me.

“So, you are back?” Quintus says, trying to hide the only eye where tears can come from.

“Yeah, I’m back, baby,” I say, starting to feel the sting in my eyes too.

There’s nothing worse than seeing strong men like those two cry.

“For Christ’s sake, stop crying,” I say with a sob, and I hug them both, “hell, I hate you both.”

“We missed you, [Chef],” Tiberius says, hugging me tightly.

“Fucking idiots, grown-ass men crying like babies,” I say while putting my head over Tiberius's shoulder.

I was wrong.

I am home.

I have friends who miss me.

I have people ready to fight for me.

Life ain’t so bad after all.