Casual Heroing

Chapter 223: Grab the Boob

“So, I’ll give you three months to master the first twenty-three Cantrips properly. We’ll take it from there when you manage to do so.”

I hear groans and people rolling their eyes as if I just said the stupidest thing in the world. Some people even start walking away. The [Archmages], though, don’t even flinch. They know that I’m the real deal. You can’t fake your way into killing an almost-[Archmage]. I wait for the people walking away to clear up while I calmly puff on the cigar.

“From what I’ve seen, some people do know that there are more than 23 Cantrips. However, no one I personally know has access to them. But what people seem to ignore is that the Cantrips that you are practicing are just a pale imitation of what they are really supposed to be. Huh, speaking of which, let’s have the three months start after you have learned the one skill you really need for this course. So, once we’ve learned about the requisites, you will be able to make your way through magic. As you know, many people are skeptical of telling – or even just showing! – others how they cast [Light]. Unless you have a supreme mastery over magic, though, you are just being petty. There are no great secrets that you can glean from just looking at the casting process. Can anyone tell me why?”

I hear a sea of murmurs, and the students start looking at each other. Titus looks at me with interest but stays silent as well. I bet that the [Archmages] probably know the answer, but for the students, it will be much tougher. The kind of knowledge I was blessed with, thanks to the book, is not public domain. Not most of it, at least. Once you become a stronger and more knowledgeable [Mage], you probably stumble upon many concepts like this one. But before then? You are wading through a dark jungle.

“So, before my brain is full of spiderwebs, let me answer for you.”

I take out a rather large blackboard and chalk from my bag of holding. The flat black surface starts hovering in place – a neat trick made possible through an enchantment. I draw a stickman and a simple aura around him.

“Even if you could actually see Mana with an advanced skill, you would just see a spell matrix. So, even if you tried to spy on an [Archmage], you would only see a super-complex matrix forming out of thin air. You cannot see the intention, the method through which the [Mage] is casting because of his own—”

I look at the aura, trying to remember if Lord Juler had given it a proper name.

“This aura,” I say, “every [Mage] has a personal field of magic. I mean, everything does, really. But [Mages], for obvious reasons, have a much stronger field. Even though we don’t really know how casting works – and sure, it’s choke-full of theories out there – we can speculate that it has something to do with our own field of magic. It’s the same thing that makes it impossible to just coagulate someone’s blood from afar or telekinetically rip their heart out of their chest. You can use a [Forcebolt] to kill someone, yes, but you cannot materialize a spell matrix inside an aura. Not really, at least.”

I scratch my chin while looking at the blackboard and wonder what kind of knowledge would better serve the students. Is this enough before we move on to practice?

“So, this aura is mostly impenetrable to magic and prying eyes. Simple as that. So, don’t be a prick when someone asks you for advice on their magic. The day you become a [Supreme Archmagus], you might want to worry about others stealing your secrets. But before then? The chances of someone stumbling upon a new way of casting magic are exactly the chances of me staying here after having done so – extremely low. And we are going to learn my way of casting magic.”josei

Finally, a student raises his hand.

“Professor, why would you give away a secret like that if you are already teaching about Cantrips?”

Many students turn with a death glare at this honest soul as if such a question would make me reconsider.

“[Archmage] Titus already knows a version of it. And my secrets lie within the domain of Light Magic. Those are secrets I will not give away. But casting for general spells? It will just make everyone a slightly better mage. But beware; it might also make you weaker. It’s not assured that what I do will work for everyone else. Sadly, I can only divulge what I know. Even if some other people had other ways of casting, sharing them is their responsibility. Plus, this should make me famous enough, right? I mean, if I’m about to divulge some great era-changing spell-casting, I’ll be in the books, won’t I? And do you know how fame works? Lots of chicks.”

Every single student frowns.

“What do you need chickens for, Professor?” someone asks from the back.

“That is such a good question,” I laugh. “But let’s go back to magic, shall we?”

“So,” I continue, looking back at the blackboard and drawing two circles with two smaller circles close to their center. “Can anyone tell me what we are looking at?”

I look over at my group, the people who have spent some time with me, and I wink at them.

“Come on, people. What did I just draw?”

I can see Anneus burying his face in his hands, and I immediately point at him.

“That student seems to have guessed it!” I shout.

As everyone turns to Marcellus, Anneus, and Amelia, who were standing right next to him, give him a wide berth, lest they get involved in this.

“Marcellus seems very experienced with what I just drew, isn’t he?”

I hear some chuckles from the crowd.

“So, Marcellus, what are we looking at?” I ask the kid.

“I have not formed a final opinion, Professor,” Marcellus says with a tomato-red face.

“Come on; I’m sure you might be familiar with this, in some ways. Maybe a memory from when you were an infant, no? Nothing? Oh, whatever. We are looking at boobs.”

As you would expect from Elven teenagers and kids from other races, most of them break into giggles. At least the males. The women are mostly looking at me with a flat stare.

“So, why did I draw a pair of boobs?”

I draw a hand and an eye right below the boobs.

“Do you know what happens when a blind man grabs a boob? Well, they feel a globe of fat, and that’s it. A lot of the enjoyment in grabbing boobs comes from the visual component. In a way, you could argue that a part of our existence is dedicated to looking for the better pair of boobs. The better the boob, the more you can feed your future children. Or something like that.”

Thank God there’s no Wikipedia and fact-checking these half-jokes here.

“The point is, if you cannot touch the boob, you won’t be able to enjoy the full experience. You are skipping steps, capiche? First, you look, appreciate the shape and form, and decide whether or not it’s worth the risk of talking to the opposite sex, and so on. But if you just grab it, it’s just soft fat. But if you do everything in order, even before actually putting your hand on it, you have already learned so much.”

“Also, there’s nothing wrong with small sizes, okay? The world is beautiful because everyone is different – or something like that.”

The bigger the titty, the bigger the party.

That doesn’t rhyme, does it?

“Long story short, titties and spells are the same. If you can’t see the spell matrix, you can only go so far. Our first lessons are going to be mostly practical. I was gifted a skill from my master, [Advanced Mana Sense].”

Many go wide-eyed as I say the name of one of my skills, usually a taboo. This culture is really against revealing tricks to others.

“So, yeah. I have a cool skill. Whoopsie, told you all. What now? Are you going to steal it? Come on, don’t act like children. Let’s normalize sharing stupid skills. Hell, you know what – I’m going to build a club to share skills and build skill-trees. That way, people can gun for skills. Oh, that will be a thing. Cool. Also, I could ask—well, you don’t need to know.”

“So, I’ll train you all to learn [Mana Sense]. Without the skill, you will fail this class. No chance of passing, trust me. If you can learn [Advanced Mana Sense] or greater variations, even better. I have no idea what the actual [Mana Sense] looks like. But I’ve spoken with the Princess – that’s the Vanedeni Princess, Princess Valarith – and she assured me that [Mana Sense] had been enough in the past for her. So, maybe with some effort, you might become as cool as her. As for becoming as cool as me, there are not many chances of that.”

…

“So, do you have [Mana Sense]?” I ask [Archmage] Titus and the other three [Archmages].

No one speaks. They just stare flatly at me.

“What are you even afraid of? I’m asking because if you don’t have the skill, you will need to practice. So, do you have it or not?”

…

It turns out that Titus and the obese woman, Alonna, have the skill. The other two do not. Interesting that you can actually reach the [Archmage] status and class without seeing spell matrixes. Honestly, I believe there might be something else there, some secret or intuition about it.

“Well, people, I’ll be going around and creating a spell that will run for an hour or so. I’ll make three shapes in front of you. You will keep your eyes closed with a blindfold—or just keep them closed; it’s up to you, really. I’ll have the [Dean] summon an [Enchanter] to make some plates for you to practice this in my absence and before the next lesson.”

“I’ll show you what we’ll be doing with the help of [Dean] Ariostus, who kindly volunteered for our practice. Dean! Come over, please!”

As he approaches, I smile at my crowd of students. There’s nothing greater than the surprise on the face of people when you pull something tremendously stupid. And I don’t know why exactly, but I like to judge people based on their reaction to something utterly ridiculous. If they don’t stop to think that there might be something more to it, even for just a second, they are people I want nothing to do with.

Look, it makes sense to judge the book based on the cover, ok? Covers exist for a reason. I do judge people based on the cover as well. If you are dressed in rags and smell like a homeless person, you probably just work in a tech startup. I know it’s not good to profile people like this, but I always second-guess myself to avoid being too elitist. Who knows, maybe the people who dress like that and smell like they’ve never taken a shower are simply homeless! There would be nothing wrong with that!

“Well, [Dean].”

[Light Shaping]

I consulted Lord Juler to make sure my idea would work. Apparently, it was the official training method for many people back then. Obviously, I gave it a very personal spin.

“I’ll materialize three objects. One is a simple cube of light. The two others will be extremely similar but slightly different. One of them is a pair of books with nipples. The other is an ass. Both are round objects, but the nipples are what truly make the two so different! So, the game is called ‘grab the boob.’ You have to close your eyes and grab the correct floating object as they spin around you. If you can reliably grab the boob thanks to your heightened senses, you will probably get the skill!”