My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

Chapter 105 - No Place Could Offer Him Sanctuary

Guan Xiaoxiao's chapped lips opened and a droplet of crystal liquid slid down the corner of her eyes. "Jinyan…"

"The vital sign is stabilizing! Keep it up!" The nurse exclaimed in joy.

"En, it's me." Jiang Jinyan ignored the pain on his leg and crawled forward on his knees. "Mother, it's me, Jinyan. You will be okay. You have to be okay…"

Guan Xiaoxiao weakly squeezed his hand and offered him a sad smile. "Mother…isn't a good mother at all, right?"

Jiang Jinyan's throat choked up as he shook his head again and again. "It's not true..."

"Mother is sorry…Jinyan, I'm very sorry…" Guan Xiaoxiao's chest heaved and foam formed on the corner of his mouth.

"Not good!" The heartbeat monitor was going out of control again. The screen showed irregular waves before finally, like someone was pressing down on it, the line turned flat and a long beep sounded. "Prepare the defibrillator!"

The nurse pulled Jiang Jinyan up. "Mr. Jiang, please stand by the side for a moment!"

Jiang Jinyan stumbled backward and a wave of searing pain rushed from his knees up to his head before swirling down to his chest. The nurses and doctors crowded around Guan Xiaoxiao's limp body. The doctor yelled, "Clear!" and Guan Xiaoxiao's body jerked up. But the heartbeat line remained flat.

Jiang Jinyan's hand was grabbed and he was pulled out. It took a moment for him to realize that it was Yuan Xilu. He turned to the middle aged woman in daze. His lips trembled.

She said…sorry? For what? For not remembering him? For only keeping Jiang Huocheng in her heart and no one else? Or…because no matter how he pleaded, she would still leave in the end?

Jiang Jinyan didn't know how that day ended. It just felt like a long, endless nightmare. From the desperation due to Qing Si's blunder, his mother's last words, up to the painful yet short wait, all of it hammered upon his head like boulders, pressing him so hard that he couldn't breathe.

The doctor's final words echoed in his ears, seemingly like it had come from a place far away. "Time of death, 24th June 3.17 pm. Cause: excessive blood loss. We are very sorry for your loss, Mr.Jiang."

Yuan Xilu's soft cries sounded beside him. The doctor's meaningless consolation, the buzz of noises around, the sight of white cloth covering Guan Xiaoxiao's face from the crack of the door, it spun within Jiang Jinyan's sight as the ground beneath his feet sank into nothingness.

Amidst his hazy consciousness, Yuan Xilu hugged him, patting his back incessantly while weeping. "Young master Jiang…it's okay. Maybe…maybe it's the best for her. She has been suffering for a long time."

The best…for Guan Xiaoxiao? Death?

Jiang Jinyan had no idea how to process a funeral. He passed through the days, his head muddled and hazy as if he was still dreaming. It was Yuan Xilu who took care of everything until Guan Xiaoxiao could be buried right beside her father and mother's cenotaphs, inside of the Guan Family's cemetery. At last, the Guan's little princess could return to her parents' loving embrace once again.

The summer rain had receded and the smothering hot weather returned in full force. Jiang Jinyan wore a piece of black suit which he had never worn before. His cheeks sunken in in emaciation even though only three days had passed since Guan Xiaoxiao's death.

People flocked into the cemetery. Sobbing, wiping tears, mourning. All of them wore black and white. Most were people Jiang Jinyan had never seen before. His mother's old friends, university classmates, former neighbors, Madam and Sir Guan's close friends. But no husband.

The only person who had the closest connection to her wasn't present.

Nevertheless, everyone remained silent in tacit cooperation.

Somehow, Jiang Jinyan wished that someone would approach him and asked, "Where's your father? Why haven't we seen him?" But on the other hand, he feared that kind of question too because he didn't know how he was going to answer that.

It was laughable, ironic and tragic. Just like Guan Xiaoxiao's fairy tales which she hated the most. Ones with sad endings as closure.

The love that she yearned to have ended up being the one which destroyed her life.

In memorial of a loving wife and mother.

Guan Xiaoxiao

7th February 1980 – 24th June 2021

May your soul be blessed with peace and serenity.

"Young Master…" Yuan Xilu, with a haggard face thick in fatigue, rested a hand upon his shoulder. "Let's return."

Jiang Jinyan heard himself speak. "I want to be here for a while."

Yuan Xilu sympathized yet helpless against him. In the end, everyone gradually left and only Jiang Jinyan remained in front of the newly buried tomb surrounded by fresh, crimson roses which was Guan Xiaoxiao's favorite. He reached out and picked up one, only for the thorn to prick his fingers, blood oozed out from the open wound and he looked in daze as it dripped onto the red soil like a drop of silent tear.

Ever since that day, when Jiang Jinyan pleaded with Guan Xiaoxiao to stay, he had never shed another tear.

The sun plundered fiercely from above, grilling and sizzling, the temperature was almost inhuman. Jiang Jinyan felt sweat covering the layer of his skin, dampening his suit and hair. Yet he didn't move. His eyes half lidded, looking at Guan Xiaoxiao's photo in front of him.

Such a sweet smile.

One that he had never seen before.

He pulled out his phone and pressed the number which had been engraved into his bones. The waiting tone echoed in the empty cemetery, adding to the desolateness and loneliness of the smiling woman's face. It rang for five times before the mechanical female voice answered him.

"The number you're calling cannot be reached at this moment. Please leave a message after the beep—"

He numbly ended the call and redialed. Again and again.

"The number you're calling cannot be reached at this moment. Please leave a message after the beep—"

"The number you're calling cannot be reached at this moment. Please leave a message after the beep—"

He didn't know how many times he had called until finally, the call was connected. There was a few seconds of silence between them before Jiang Huocheng spoke. An undeniable trace of exhaustion and weariness on his tone. "…Jinyan?"

Jiang Jinyan stared at Guan Xiaoxiao's brightly smiling face. "Where are you?"

"What's wrong? I—"

"Mother died." He cut Jiang Huocheng off. "Mother died. She committed suicide and your name was the one she kept on calling. Where are you?" Jiang Jinyan couldn't detect any emotion in his voice. It was flat, cold and numb.

The other side of the phone was silent for a while. Jiang Jinyan didn't know if it was the wind howling beside his ears or the rustling trees above his head, but he seemed to hear a shaky exhale, so soft and quiet like a feather floating in midair before gently landing onto the surface of a frozen lake.

"Jinyan," Jiang Huocheng's voice was hoarse and raspy. "I'm sorry…"

I'm sorry…

Again. Guan Xiaoxiao said it and now, Jiang Huocheng also said it.

Exactly what were they sorry for?

The calm façade he tried to put on crack with only those two words and anger burst forth like an unstoppable erupting volcano, clouding his sight and mind. "I am asking where are you?! Why aren't you saying anything?! Why don't you explain what exactly you are sorry for?! What didn't I understand?! TELL ME!" The heat from the sun seared into his head and his eyes blurred from the sweat which dripped onto it.

It stung like hell that he couldn't open his eyes for a moment.

His harsh breathing reverberated through the empty space and the beautiful rose was crushed within his fist. The thorns pierced into his flesh, blood dripping from the gaps of his fingers. Yet he never realized it. After he finished venting, there was no answer from Jiang Huocheng. As expected of him.

Jiang Jinyan sneered and hung up on the call.

Silence reigned across the air once again and Guan Xiaoxiao's smiling face remained the same. Frozen at the peak of happiness as she wished to.

Time passed like receding tide and the sun starting to set down the horizon. In the empty cemetery, stood Jiang Jinyan's figure whose person seemed like he was being hollowed out.

Tired. He felt nothing but immensely tired. Yet no place could offer him sanctuary and nothing could grant him salvation.

There were 7.6 billion people on Earth but Jiang Jinyan had never felt so alone like right now. As if he was the only one left. Forlorn and lonesome.

It was an unforgettable summer. It could be because of the torrid heatwave or the incongruity of the situation which made everything seem laughable. Or maybe, it was both.

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A/N: Thank you JJson101 for your golden tickets!!!