My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

Chapter 135 - I'm Not Okay At All

The sight of his back had been imprinted so, so deeply into her mind. Straight as always, proud, filled with forbearance yet also contained a tinge of melancholy, he had donned his armor and spurred on his horse. And then, after that, Shi Nian had never seen him again in that lifetime.

Now that she was shoved with the same scenery, the same kind of melancholy and desolateness, something inside Shi Nian's mind snapped.

No! No, you can't! You can't do it!

In the past life, she had reached out to hold him back, only to grab onto a handful of empty air, his back was getting further and further and no matter how strong she wished for it, she couldn't hold onto anything. But now, as she lunged forward in an almost fervent madness, her hand grabbed onto something tangible. Warm, real, and living flesh.

It caused her to freeze in place, stunned.

On the other hand, Jiang Jinyan couldn't have guessed that there would be someone coming to the rooftop in the wee hours of the morning. He used to smoke when he was in junior highschool but then, after mending his crooked path and swearing to become an athlete, he had forced himself to stop smoking with such difficulty.

Yet sometimes, when the stress reached its tipping point, late at night when he was consumed by loneliness, hatred and self-loath, he wouldn't be able to resist lighting one up. He would just hold onto it without inhaling, letting the smoke blurred his sight and the flame burned his skin.

Such as this night.

He had picked the lock to the rooftop and let himself in, standing at the highest point where he could oversee the whole city, filling his sight with the resplendent color of lights in the skyscrapers and streets that had just begun its nightlife.

This kind of tranquility and quietness was very calming. Where he could hear nothing but the whistle of wind on his ears, where there was nothing but the night that shaded his body, enabling him to succumb to the soothing darkness. He didn't have to think of anything, didn't have to see anything, didn't have to hear anything.

There's only him in this world, right at this moment.

Yet, all of those illusions were shattered into pieces by a strong force that yanked on his arm. Jiang Jinyan was so surprised that he almost lost his footing. His body leaned forward and the sight of flat ground from such a high distance caused his heart to lurch.

His pupils dilated in shock. In that split second, he could see the zigzag lines of the bricks lining up on the ground, the flickering streetlamps and the hair whorl of the person who was throwing trash.

His fingers trembled and the burning cigarette slipped out from his hand, plunging down in a free fall from the twentieth floor.

Jiang Jinyan forcefully regained his balance and let his body fall backward. His arms shot out to support his body and he fell down on his butt, his mind still reeling on the near death shock.

All of a sudden, the tranquil of the night was ruined and...he wasn't alone in the world anymore.

The sound of rapid heartbeats drummed on his ears and he numbly turned around to find a familiar face. It's her again! Anger rushed to his head, and he almost exploded judging by how hard he gritted his teeth. His voice was low, but the slight shaking betrayed the rage and fury boiling in his heart. "What the hell are you doing?"

By now, even if she's stupid, Shi Nian would have realized that there must be some kind of misunderstanding from her part.

She knew that Jiang Jinyan didn't have that kind of intention, but she couldn't help it. She grabbed onto him so desperately, so tightly that she almost crushed his bones.

Jiang Jinyan sucked in cold air and shook her arms off. "Let go—"

Words died down in his throat. The dim moonlight shone on the girl's face, making her already pale face look even more ghastly. He saw his own face reflected on her crystal clear eyes which was trembling minutely. In her eyes, he saw fear, grief, apprehension, and plea which made all of the rejection on the tip of his tongue drop back to his stomach.

Those eyes were so vivid, so beautiful, so fragile as if it was going to break by the slightest touch.

Jiang Jinyan's heart stirred unknowingly.

Shi Nian breathed hastily, her mind in a mess. She knew that she had messed up, knew that she should have said something, should have explained herself but at this moment, she could only see his features, unwilling to look away even for a second, taking in his every small movement when he breathed, the knit of his brows, the purse of his lips; embedding it into her memory.

Only then did Shi Nian belatedly realize that this was the first time she had been so close to him in this life.

This was the person whom she held dear the most in her heart.

The person whom she was willing to follow to the Underworld.

The person whom she had missed for a lifetime.

Realization dawned on Jiang Jinyan. Even though he was shocked to find the girl appeared out of nowhere, even though he was still fuming enough for steam to billow out of his head, when faced with those eyes, he would always himself unable to truly be heartless.

Like a deflated balloon, an angry smile formed on Jiang Jinyan's lips, his eyes extremely dark. "I am not so stupid to commit suicide by smashing my body like watermelon!"

Shi Nian's eyelashes quivered as she lowered her eyes.

Her grab on him loosened yet the tingling pain and warmth still lingered on his skin devoutly. Jiang Jinyan patted his pants and intended to stand up, but because of the fall, he had overexerted his leg again. His brows furrowed in pain, and he finally gave up on the notion. His body fell back down again, but this time, he moved to lean against the railing wall which he had just stepped on, sighing heavily.

Shi Nian panicked and she fumbled on her phone to write. Her fingers shaking. [Are you okay?]

Jiang Jinyan's eyes were half lidded as he took in the change in her expression. He didn't really know this girl. Maybe, they could only be considered as unfamiliar acquaintances. Yet, just in front of this person...he felt something bubbling up inside his heart.

Maybe because she's a stranger, maybe because of how she had given him delicious hotpot, maybe because of the influence of the night that lowered his guard.

Or maybe, it could also be because he had been too lonely, that he had kept it inside too long that he couldn't bear it anymore.

He gave himself a million reasons to explain the urge that was currently overwhelming him. The urge to tell his true feeling that was always hidden ever since he woke up in the hospital and found his whole world had turned upside down. The feelings that he had never told anyone and could only be brought into his deepest nightmares.

"…I'm not okay." Jiang Jinyan gave a soft laugh. Yet somehow, when it reached Shi Nian's ears, it almost sounded like a helpless sob. "I'm not okay at all. It hurts..."

.

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A/N: Late night. Rooftop. No one but the two of them. Momentary weakness.. Hehehe. Nah I am weeping for my poor Jinyan because everyone vouched for Shi Nian and Xu Binchen QAQ remember that he's only a second male lead guysss! Don't be bewitched by our sarcastic and tsundere detective (???`?)