My Dearest General: It Has Always Been You

Chapter 293 - The Unbearable Pain

"What do you want to know? I will tell you everything." At this moment, he wasn't the domineering CEO Jiang nor was he the cold and apathetic man in Jiang Jinyan's memory. Slumping onto the bed, he was only a weary, despondent middle aged man.

Jiang Jinyan looked down at his bandaged fingers, contemplating. "Tell me about mother. I want to hear about her…from your own mouth."

"Your mother huh?" Jiang Huocheng gave a bitter laugh. "Where should I start? The first time I met her was in the Guan Residence. At that time, I couldn't mingle with the businessmen there because I was poor, inexperienced and I came from a commoner family with no background at all. I was walking alone through the rose garden when the window over my head opened and she appeared…just like an angel…"

Once Jiang Huocheng started talking, he couldn't stop it anymore. Perhaps he had always been searching for someone to listen to him. Perhaps this was what he needed, to let everything off his chest. Sometimes he stuttered and stumbled with his words, sometimes he had to stop because he got too emotional, but he slowly told Jiang Jinyan about their beautiful love.

…It was supposed to be beautiful indeed.

He felt like he had done his best, but nothing ever worked. It proved that he was still lacking, he couldn't give Guan Xiaoxiao the love she wished for, nor could he grant Jiang Jinyan the life he wanted. Once he looked back at it, he had missed every precious moment he wasn't supposed to.

Alas, there's no medicine for regrets except for self blame and guilt.

And so, he shall carry it for the rest of his life. Until the end when he died, maybe he could beg for Guan Xiaoxiao's forgiveness once again.

"I don't expect you to understand neither am I asking for your forgiveness." Jiang Huocheng gave his son a stiff smile. "That's why I am not willing to tell you. This is my and your mother's problem, not yours. From beginning to the end, you have always been innocent. I only wish for you to live happily but it seems like I was burdening you subconsciously…"

Jiang Jinyan had never interjected as Jiang Huocheng talked. Only when the man turned silent did he slowly say, "So, when I said I want to apply to military school, why did you object?"

Jiang Huocheng frowned. "You could have just been a carefree second generation young master and slowly learned family business with me, so why should you make yourself suffer in the army?"

"When I became an athlete, weren't you the first person to disapprove?"

"Being an athlete is not easy, you are required to train all day and it's still not certain whether you can succeed. Moreover, the sports field isn't as clean as you imagine it to be. There's a lot of shady deals and you also have to deal with paparazzi. Once again, why don't you want to be a carefree second generation young master?"

Jiang Jinyan's face contorted in disbelief. "So you think that being a carefree second generation young master is good?"

"Why not?" Jiang Huocheng seriously asked. "See what state you end up in now."

The father and son pair looked at each other, speechless by the absurdity of the other's viewpoint.

Jiang Jinyan rolled his wheelchair away and scoffed. "I can't bear to listen to you. Rest up, I will return to my room first."

Jiang Huocheng was also tired. He wasn't the person who talked a lot but his son had just forced the whole year's share of words out from his mouth. "Go, go." He waved tiredly. "Do you think I want to listen to you any longer?"

The day had passed by without them realizing. The sky had turned dark and twinkling stars could be seen from the dark sky. The lulling sound of waves crashing onto shore was peaceful and comforting. Breeze ruffled their hair, carrying with it a salty scent of sea. 

Secretary Si pushed Jiang Jinyan out and they rode the car to the wooden cottage. "Do you feel hungry, Young Master? The cook has prepared many dishes when they heard you're coming."

Jiang Jinyan shook his head quietly. "Just send me into my room. I am tired. Just leave the food for tomorrow."

Si Zhening nodded. "As you asked."

The wooden cottage was nicely furnished and it smelled of ocean, coconut and flowers. It was like a personal presidential suite with a homey tinge in it. Si Zhening brought Jiang Jinyan into the bedroom that had been cleaned up thoroughly. "Rest well, Young Master Jiang." He bowed and turned away.

After making sure that Si Zhening's footsteps had marched away and the cottage contained no one but him, Jiang Jinyan finally let go of the tension he had been holding back. His back hunched dispiritedly and he buried his face into his palms, shoulders trembling.

He had felt this way ever since Jiang Huocheng told his story.

…It was unreal. Too unreal that he couldn't digest it.

It was like the knowledge he had known for his whole life had turned into a joke. Throughout nineteen years of his life, Jiang Jinyan only knew that he had a crazy mother and apathetic father. Now, he was told that both of them loved each other very much.

Could he believe that readily? Could he…after he had seen how Guan Xiaoxiao begged for Jiang Huocheng's love? Could he…after he had gone through years of solitude and loneliness without anyone by his side?

His condition could be described with one word; denial.

He couldn't believe that the truth was completely different than what he had thought of. He couldn't believe that what he saw was just a mirage, that another layer of truth was hidden beneath it.

If so…then what had he been doing all these years?

Wasn't he just too ridiculous and comical?

Jiang Jinyan's face twisted from the pain. Jiang Huocheng's words reverberated in his ears again and again. "I don't expect you to understand neither am I asking for your forgiveness."

Then what…? His suffering, loneliness, pain and agony, could it be dispelled just with that single sentence? Could he forgive Jiang Huocheng just because he knew the truth? Could he let go of the anger and grievance in his heart?

Jiang Jinyan's arms shook and he panted harshly. Sweat dripped down his face. His head felt so painful that it was going to explode and he needed something to distract him from the unnecessary thoughts.

…but he couldn't. He shouldn't lose control. Not here.

He used the sharp tip of his nails to draw a slit on his arm, again and again. The barely healed gash on his arm split open and blood poured out, soaking the bandage red. He tried to think of another matter. Another thing that made him happy…

[Whether it's the shining Jiang Jinyan, the fallen Jiang Jinyan, the bright Jiang Jinyan, the gloomy Jiang Jinyan, the gentle Jiang Jinyan, the harsh Jiang Jinyan, the formidable Jiang Jinyan, the fragile Jiang Jinyan, the kind Jiang Jinyan, the bad Jiang Jinyan…]

"I like you."

"You don't know how long I have been waiting for this day. For you."

"Jiang Jinyan…"

"I like you this much, how can I bear to let you suffer a tiniest bit of grievance?"

"I love you. For every flaw and imperfection; for every reason and madness."

"Don't worry, Jiang Jinyan. Everything will be okay."

Everything will be okay…

His eyes snapped open, bloodshot. His clothes were drenched in cold sweat, making his skin and hair damp. His breath came out harsh and he clung onto Shi Nian's figure in his memory. Her smile, her twinkling golden eyes, her embrace, her words, her warmth…

Only then did he feel the pain wasn't so unbearable anymore.

Suddenly, a series of knocks rang out on his door, piercing the silence of the night. 

Jiang Jinyan rasped, "Who is it?!" His voice almost came out like a growl. Who could it be? Hadn't he told them that he wanted to rest?!

The irritation that he suppressed with difficulty surged up again, harder and wilder, to the point where he wanted to bash the head of the person standing behind the door…

"Jiang Jinyan?" The voice that he had just been fantasizing about came from behind the door. So close that he couldn't believe his ears for a second. "Sorry to bother you this late at night. It's me, Shi Nian."

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A/N: for Arcane who's wishing that Shi Nian comes with Jiang Jinyan, here you go teehee

Thank you as always ArcaneMag, OmiCereNova, listlesslemon and everyone who casted your GT! I can't believe we can reach 150! Thank youu QAQ