Reincarnated as an AXE!

Chapter 33: The Coffee is good... but the Fog Goblins are EVIL!

Chapter 33: The Coffee is good... but the Fog Goblins are EVIL!

It really wasnt a long fight. I mean, they were just a bunch of nasty little goblins. The whole thing took less than five minutes.

Sorry, I know were usually known for our willingness to go into overly descriptive detail of how we violently kill people around here. Yknow, awesome stuff like I split their skulls asunder and crushed their nuts with merciless stomps of my unyielding boot before using their fresh corpses to beat more of them to death in a violent orgy of corpse production!

And though they begged for their pathetic lives in their gibbering, nonsensical language, I was now inKILL MODE PHASE SIXWITH ALL CAPS IN BOLD PRINTand would show them no mercy!Reason had fled my mind and compassion had snapped its cap and was now cheering me on as I pushed their noses down their esophagi!

DEATH TO THE FOG GOBLINS!DEATH TOALLFOG GOBLINS!

Sounds cool, right? It should, thats our usual product! It's in demand!

But these guys werent worth any of that effort. They really werent.

Not only were Fog Goblins disgusting little bastards, but they sucked at fighting too!

It was like beating up a classroom of angry kindergarteners. Which Ive done before. They wouldnt share the Legos! But somehow this was even worse. It just didnt feel like the epic clash suitable for the finale of this rollicking story. Sure, wed saved a bunch of innocents and all that, but it had all been so easy that it wasntfun.

Dont get me wrong, Im a sadist. Im a very happy sadist! Tormenting those weaker than myself, that was just keen! I loved doing that! Maybe it was just the quality of these victims? See, these fog goblins were even dumber than my duplicates used to be. But they werent dumb in an amusing sort of way. It was more like they wereoh, how do I say this without offending someone? Differently abled? They just werent all there, mentally. In a way that invited pity, not contempt.

Yeah. Thats it exactly, thats what I felt bad about! Who could possibly enjoy an experience like this? It was just wrong!

Jesus. I can be mean sometimes, but Im not that mean!

Libby, are you sure these guys are a threat? I asked her. Something feels really off.

How do you mean? she asked me.

Well, you said fog goblins are like, evil pillaging bastards, right? And theyre smart enough to understand human language, yeah? But let me ask you this

I grabbed one of the nasty little things by its foot and held it upside down, while it yelled and spat and bit at me. Not that it would hurt if it did, since its mouth was basically all gums.

Does this look like a wicked little monster to you?

Libby stared at it thoughtfully for a few moments. You knowit really doesnt. It kind of looks like a helpless little goober. I really cant picture those girls being in danger if they fell into the clutches of these sad little things."

"Yeeeeah," I murmured. Then I cast [Appraisal].

Huh. Hey, Libby?

Yes?

What the Hell is a bean goblin? I asked her.

__

Oh my God this coffee is incredible, I said as I sipped deeply from a cup of this heavenly brew.

I know, right? Libby said. The aroma and flavor are like nothing Ive ever had before! Is this coffee, or is this joy personified? Its really changing my opinion of these little angels!

She stroked one of the bean goblins under its chin as she spoke. He gurgled happily and pounded his foot on the floor like an excited puppy.

So, as it turns out, I had just been chopping away at an enslaved tribe of lesser goblins known as bean goblins!

Heh. Whoops.

The fog goblins were all holed up in their den planning out their wicked fog goblin shenanigans. These beanies were just a bunch of lesser saps that had been conscripted to guard the FG nest. They were disposable soldiers, easily replaced since bean goblins reproduced extremely quickly. Id seen it right before my very eyes. One of them bent over and sort of vomited up a clutch of tiny little goblins, then wandered away, utterly disinterested.

Ha, gross.

Id just assumed they were fog goblins because I hadnt appraised them first, which was my bad. Seriously, totally on me. Luckily, bean goblins are barely sapient and dont hold any grudges. As soon as I stopped showing aggression towards them, they did the same for me.

Yeah, bean goblins are harmless single-gendered vegetarians. The only thing they were really known for was brewing extremely good coffee.

Oh, mama, it was so good!

Oh GOD, Max this coffee is so fucking good! Libby said with enthusiasm.

See?

LibbyLibby, I know were here to kill the fog goblins and nothing more, I know that. But this coffeethis coffee is

Max this coffee is better than the (FUN!Heh heh, nothings getting past Writey) we had last chapter, and Im so sorry for having to say that, but it is, it is, it is!

No, Libby, youre right, I said in understanding. It is better, and Im not hurt in the slightest by your saying that. How can I possibly compare to this? I asked as I pointed at the coffee.

That doesnt make you angry? she asked me.

No, I said firmly. Hell, Im proud of you! Youre deeply committed to honesty, and I respect that about you so much! Dont ever change.

In response, she signaled to the goblins that she wanted another refill.

I did as well.

Coffee shouldnt be this good. Coffee should never be this good. How could something this wonderful exist in nature? There had to be a trick to it! But what? Nono. The universe was surely filled with many delightful mysteries. A wise man once told me that if you ever want to enjoy the taste of pork, dont watch how sausage is made.

I didnt need to understand how this incredible brew came to be. I didnt need to know the secrets behind its creation. I just needed to know that it existed and that I was drinking it and that everything was okay in this world. Just ooooookay.

And that was when Libby made a fateful discovery.

Max she whispered. Max, they have sugar cubes!

What? I asked her in stunned disbelief.

They have sugar cubes, she repeated while pointing at a little porcelain bowl on the serving tray that was filled with little white square lumps.

My GOD, she was right!

Oh, no fucking way! I exclaimed. It was that good straight out of the kettle? Oh, there is no way in HELL we arent trying this out with sugar!

But Max! Thus far its been so perfect! What if by adding sugar, we ruin the flavor? That could forever taint our memories of this perfect coffee on this perfect day! I cant do it!

Youre wrong, Libby! Were adventurers. No, more than that, were heroes. We cant be afraid to try new things. And we cant be afraid of failure either! Thats not the life we chose for ourselves! Do it, Libby! Add the sugar cubes."

Oh God, Max! I'm afraid! she whimpered.

Im right here with you, girl! Max and Libby, against the world! Libby and Max, friends forever!

Libby reached over our cups and dropped a single cube of sugar into each.

Silently, we both stirred our drinks.

Maaaax.

Well go at the same time. On the count of three!

What if were making a mistake?

And what if we arent? Well never know unless we try!

We each held up our cups.

OnetwoTHREE!

We downed our drinks.

It was AMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING!

Max! Max! Its so good! Its so fucking good! Libby screamed.

LIBBY! I understand everything now! I am one with everything! This is like the quickening!

The what?

The quickening!

Whats the quickening?

The prize all the immortals fight over in Highlander! They all want to decapitate each other and take all the quickenings to learn everything about everything!

Cant they just get jobs in research? she asked me.

No! I replied. Its much faster when they cut each others heads off!

Thats fucking stupid! she snorted.

Youre fucking stupid! I replied.

Say that to my face! she demanded.

I dont want to! Youre scary!

Max, I dont ever want to stop drinking this coffee. I thought I was complete as an individual before, but now I know what a childish self-deceit that was.

Libby, theres me drinking this coffee, and then theres a future where Im not drinking this coffee, and I already know which reality I want to live in!

Well stay here! declared Libby. Well live peacefully alongside the bean goblins in natural harmony. Well slowly teach them the ways of civilization and elevate their culture, and in exchange well never go without this coffee again! Then life will be perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to anyone ever again!

Youre so smart, I wept. Youre so fucking smart! I wish I was as-as smart as you! Because youre so smart!

I am smart, Max! But youre good at things too. Really!

I am? What am I good at?

Ive seen you kill a lot of stuff! Youre like really good at killing things! If killing were political prestige, youd be the presidents prime minister!

Oh my god, Libby! Ive always thought my voice should be obeyed by the masses! My first decree would be to ban American kids from getting K-pop haircuts! We dont have the facial structure for it, America! Our jaws are too wide! Its like French anime! Why the fuck would anyone watch French anime?

Im sure they do just as good a job as anyone else, Max.

You wouldnt say that with a straight face if your niece ever made you watch Totally Spies with her!

Deep cut, Max!

Not if youre Canadian!

We sat there quietly drinking our perfect coffee. Wed nearly finished it all off when a bean goblin approached with a fresh kettle.

They brought more! Libby purred happily.

Yeahyeah, they did, I said.

What was this unfamiliar sensation slowly overtaking me?

Was thisunease?

Max, whats wrong? Pour up! This is a happy moment! Libby said cheerfully as she reached forth to replenish her cup.

Libbythis is really good coffee, I said.

Agreed!

Libbyis it too good? I asked her.

What? No. Ha, no! No, no, no! Theres no such thing as coffee thats too good! Libby said, as she fiercely shook her head. No, this is everything as it should be. This is where were meant to be, Max. This is our place in the world.

Drinking coffee?

Drinking thebest fucking coffee eeeeever! Libby crooned before taking another swallow.

Libby, is this as good as life gets? I asked.

Fuck yeah!

This? This is as good as life gets?

The coffee is good, Max. All we need is the coffee, she insisted.

The coffee is good, I agreed. But is the coffee everything? Is it the sum of all joy? Is it truly the pinnacle?

Libby paused and stared at her cup. Her expression was now filled with suspicion and not a small amount of hostility. What are you saying?

I think we need to stop drinking the coffee.

But the coffee is good!

Libby! The coffee might be goodbut is it good for us?

Libby scrambled to her feet and pointed an accusing finger at me, a finger that now trembled with barely controlled anger.

Im not giving up this coffee, Max, she said flatly.

The coffee is controlling us, I told her. The coffee is too good!

We deserve it! Arent you the one always saying were heroes? she yelled.

Its too fine a reward! I yelled back. With coffee this good, whats the point of ever doing anything else? What achievement could compare? What reward could possibly sate us after today? This coffee is a curse!

It is NOT!

It is! Nothing this good can possibly last forever! Also, Im feeling really jittery right now! Arent you?

Well, I mean, yesbut... wait, stop, Max what are you doing?

WHAT I HAVE TO! I cried out. I lifted the kettle and hurled it away!

MAX! MAX, NO! Libby shrieked in panic. She attempted to chase after it, but I grabbed her from behind and refused to let go.

No! No! Nooooooo! Why, Max? Why? she sobbed. You really are a monster!

You dont think I want to go after it too? I said between my tears. You dont think this is killing me? I loved that coffee, Libs! I LOVED IT! But cant you see the harm it was doing to us? Cant you see what we were doing to ourselves? The coffee was good, Libby! The coffee was goooood!

It was good! It was so good Libby whispered.

We clung to each other and slowly sank to the ground, weeping in misery over our loss.

Are we going to be okay, Max? Libby asked me after a few minutes had passed.

I dont knowI just dont know I whispered back.

They brought us another pot, she said.

I saw that.

I really want some more.

So do I, but I mean, we did just hurl the last one away only a few minutes ago. Has it been long enough?

I want to sayyes? she said.

Oh, well, okay then. Asked and answered!

I reached over and poured a fresh cup.

Wed get those fog goblins in just a bit.

Seriously!

Damn, this was good coffee.

The slaughter will definitely commence when we get around to it!

Maybe tomorrow?