Sorcerer’s Handbook

Chapter 427: Happiness Ranking

Today is June 4th, only four days after the update of the “Ranking of Schemes”, and still six days until the usual update time.

According to Annan’s statistics, the Gospel Book has always been known for its severe procrastination issues. The “Art Ranking” and “Family Ranking” follow the usual update patterns—they update at the very last second of the deadline.

Historically, there have been five occasions when the Weaving Festival updates were delayed until eight o’clock the next morning. Each delay caused a panic throughout the entire Gospel community. Countless people couldn’t sleep, fearing that the Gospel Book was broken and that the Weaving Festival couldn’t continue. This shows how serious the psychological impact of update delays can be on the devoted readers.

On the other hand, extra updates from the Gospel Book have never happened. Not even once. At least not in the ten Weaving Festivals that Annan has tracked. The best readers could hope for was a punctual update right at midnight. For those eagerly waiting for updates, this punctuality was considered as mercy from the Divine Sovereign, a Boon of fate.

Therefore, when Annan and Banjeet saw the Gospel Book appear, their first reaction wasn’t joy but fear!

Over the centuries, they had seen mountains crumble, rivers dry, thunder roar in winter, snowstorm in summer, even the convergence of heavens and earth, the Virtual Realm opening, and invasions from the outlands; but they had never seen the Gospel Book release an extra update!

Especially for people like Annan, who work at the Firm, they knew the Gospel Book’s workings better than anyone. They understood that the Gospel Book must follow specific rules. If it violated those rules, it indicated an order from a higher authority—an Angel, or even the Divine Sovereign?

Despite the many thoughts running through their minds, everyone swiftly opened the Gospel Book without hesitation to see the latest work.

“Happiness Ranking.”

Ashe and the others looked at Annan with admiration—though the Young Lady had demonstrated her abilities many times before, being able to obtain accurate inside information every single time made them wonder if Annan was a secret daughter of the Gospel Book.

“The Happiness Ranking” 10th place: The Happiest Wedding

Synopsis: Daphne Barnabas and Carlos Barnabas have been lovers for ten years. Over the past decade, they have gone through countless joys and sorrows and many hardships of life. Finally, these paramours became husband and wife. On the day they got married in the Sky Garden, it marked the end of their trials and the beginning of their happiness. They will be together forever, never separated, facing countless difficulties with love… what’s this?

The text on the Gospel Book suddenly became blurry, and smudges appeared as if someone were forcefully altering the Weave of history. The more they smeared, the crazier it got. Not only the synopsis and ranking list but the whole page turned into a deep black. Then, red ink spread within the blackness, forming a name everyone was very familiar with.

“Ashe Heath.”

“Huh?” Ashe looked bewildered as everyone questioned him, “Why are you looking at me? Look at the Young Lady! Young Lady, why is my name up there? Is this a surprise you prepared?”

“If I could do that, your name would be in the groom’s position,” Annan replied irritably. “Maybe the Gospel Book was updating and decided your wedding was happier… hmm?”

The ranking suddenly transitioned to video footage. The scene showed the Sky Garden in the city on the second level, with a bright, non-glaring sky overhead. Below was a magnificent and prosperous city, with snow-capped mountains in the distance. The view was as beautiful as a fairy tale. Guests in the garden were dressed elegantly, and children were adorable and well-behaved. As the band played, colorful flowers swayed, spreading rainbow hues. The joy almost seemed to leap out of the image and infect the viewers.

“Looks pretty boring,” commented Harvey. “If it were my wedding…”

Ashe thought he was beginning to understand the necromancer’s mindset. “It would be set in a graveyard?”

“Of course not, I have some common sense too. A wedding should be held in a lively, thrilling place with lots of people,” Harvey replied seriously. “For example, a battlefield after a great war, with corpses strewn about, rivers of blood, soil soaked with blood, and air full of lingering thoughts. It would be the perfect junction between life and death. Getting married in a battlefield would be incredibly romantic.”

Though Ashe wanted to argue, he realized that getting married on a battlefield strewn with blood and valor did sound rather romantic.

“Dad, snap out of it!” Lise rushed over, shaking him. “Don’t listen, don’t feel, don’t think, or you’ll be studying the Necromancy Sect!”

The mention of studying woke Ashe up instantly. He quickly patted Lise’s head to anchor his taste. No wonder necromancers like Harvey, destined to serve deities, could be so persuasive; his mere words nearly dragged Ashe into the realm of the dead.

“The location is fine, but there are too many people,” Igor commented indifferently. “How many of those guests are genuinely offering their blessings? Those kids do nothing but cause trouble. The band is too noisy; replacing them with a pianist would be much better…”

“Are you planning your wedding with Anfel already?” Ashe asked. “Make sure to send me an invite.”

Igor glanced at him. “Rest assured, I will make sure you’re not on my guest list.”

Lise asked, “Dad, what kind of wedding do you want?”

“To be honest, I’d rather skip such a grand ritual. It makes me feel like a sacrificial offering,” Ashe confessed.

“Absolutely not!” Annan and Lise simultaneously denied such a rebellious notion.

“A wedding is a very, very important moment. Most fairy tales end with a wedding as the epitome of happiness!” Lise said earnestly.

“That’s right!” Annan added. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime event. Miss it, and it’s gone forever!”

“Not necessarily a once-in-a-lifetime…” Ashe muttered.

At this point, the footage finally reached the wedding ceremony. The couple, dressed in a princess gown and a mage’s robe, made their entrance. Weddings in the Kingdom of the Gospel also bore the influence of the Gospel Book: the couple wrote each other’s names on their respective Gospel Book covers, and the names were preserved forever.

This step didn’t hold any practical significance; the Gospel wouldn’t grant newlyweds an 80% discount. However, within the Gospel tradition, this gesture symbolized the highest level of commitment. To put it into modern context, it’s like using couple avatars on social media profiles, wearing wedding rings on your ring fingers, tattooing your lover’s name on your lower back, and stamping “approved” on a certified quality pig. Essentially, when you brandish your Gospel Book, everyone knows you’ve partnered up in the game of life.

When this ‘happiest couple’ officially recognized by the Gospel appeared on screen, everyone displayed understanding expressions. Although the groom was handsome and the bride was beautiful, they bore a striking resemblance.

In simpler terms, it was evident to anyone with eyes that they were biological siblings.

Even in the open society of the Gospel Kingdom, a sibling romance was a highly sensitive topic. Unless the family was wealthy enough to use a Miracle to adjust their genes, not even the Gospel would recommend childbirth.

Understanding this, one could see why this wedding deserved to be described as the “happiest.” Not only did others try to intervene, but the Gospel itself would also use every possible tactic to prevent their union. It would arrange for the sister to meet more suitable partners and for the brother to be pursued by more appropriate girls, all in the name of a better life, according to the Gospel’s original plan.

Their suffering stemmed from their desire to break free from the Gospel’s constraints. Had they ever listened to the Gospel’s guidance or followed its arrangements even once, their hardships would have vanished, and happiness would have been easily within reach.

But they didn’t, so the Gospel conceded. This outcome was its pre-emptive compensation.

The bride and groom exchanged eye contact. What lay in their eyes wasn’t an all-consuming, all-melting passion, nor a casual, familial gaze. Instead, their pupils reflected a world where only the other existed, everything else mere dust. The closest comparison might be the fervent look Harvey had when discussing the Necromancy Sect, a passion few others could match.

This was a profound, heart-searing madness. When it was reciprocated, it became a happiness that not even the Gospel could dismantle.

As the newlyweds sat at the stone table, exchanged Gospel Books, and took up pens to sign the covers, the video footage suddenly flickered.

In the next second, a sword abruptly slashed through the stone table in the sky garden, causing everyone to jump in fright.

“To be honest, I don’t like grand rituals like these. It makes me feel like a sacrificial offering. If it were up to me, I’d skip them and fast forward to the more intimate moments.”

Everyone instinctively glanced at Ashe at the sound of those familiar words.

Ashe remained calm: “Confirmed, the Gospel has been copying my real-time reviews.”

The long sword’s hilt was gripped by someone who had appeared in the garden’s center, clad in a dark red trench coat. Before he even spoke, the surrounding guests began to panic and scream in terror.

“Ashe Heath!”

“The Undying Fiend Heath!”

“Calamity Demon Lord!”

“Source of Calamity!”

“He actually resurrected!?”

Hearing the comments, Ashe and the others felt an incredibly complex mix of emotions. Before they could discuss it, the footage changed dramatically again—

White mist-like spirits enveloped the entire wedding site, even robbing sunlight of its warmth. A mist spirit reached Ashe’s side, transforming into a cloaked vagabond.

“Necromancer King Harvey!” The guests erupted into chaos: “If even he is here, then that means—”

A well-dressed guest suddenly approached Ashe, removing his hat and glasses to reveal his sleek, shoulder-length blonde hair and dazzlingly handsome face. The moment he revealed himself, a quarter of the guests promptly drew weapons and changed allegiances. They raised their left hands adorned with crow feather gloves, detaining the other guests.

“Rust Crow!” The guests’ voices trembled, “Why, why would one of the Three Great Harbingers of Doomsday appear here?”

Darn it, Three Great Harbingers of Doomsday? Ashe couldn’t contain himself anymore.

Here I am, Ashe, an honest young man, having done nothing wrong, and somehow I’m mentioned in the same breath as Igor and Harvey!?