There is no Epic Loot here, Only Puns.

Chapter 130: Scoreboard

Chapter 130: Scoreboard

“Did you win, son?” came the voice of Grim’s father. Grim looked up from his assorted ‘gains’ from the Dungeon. His original Cat doll which had proved a worthy distraction against Wyin the tree demon lady. The other was that novel that was simply ridiculous.

“Define... win?” he turned on his chair. His room was like a fort around him, every item in a semi-chaotic mess that he knew exactly where things were. That pile in the corner with the empty sword sheath had his math homework for Mr Jones, the papers on his desk had about ten different ‘beginner-speak-easy’ spells he got from his ‘Adventurer Weekly’, and the bulging closet door held unfathomable nightmares and wouldn’t ever be opened again.

It was a shame, Grim had a nice pair of shoes in there that might still fit. The rest of the room had maps everywhere, forms of sword styles in different strikes, a massive star map on the ceiling for memorising the most famous stars.

It was more a ‘war room’ than a bedroom but Grim loved it.

His dad took up the entire frame. Not as big as Deo’s dad, but Grim was beginning to worry he inherited his mother’s more dainty frame as he hadn’t grown in height and magically, muscles hadn’t just popped in overnight like late wisdom teeth.

Grim’s Dad, Myne, was not a man you wanted to arm wrestle. Grim watched his dad move his hand in the air as if trying to snatch answers.

“Ya know... beat the boss, got the booty, and all that,” the man said, trying not to stumble and Grim hid a smile. His dad was a dork and Grim knew he had a half-eaten spoon in his pocket meaning that when it was time for dinner and Grandpa Pic was done cooking, they’d be a massive argument about who got a clean dessert spoon.

Arguments got weird when two of the four people in the house just ate things when they got peckish.

“Well... Pic-ish,” he mumbled to himself, unable to hold back the words. He fought the pun, he really did.

“‘Loot’ dad, not booty. I’m an adventurer, not a pirate,” Grim reminded him as he slipped off the stool with his new book. His father turned puzzled, still smiling.

“Pirates live on the water. I go underground.” Grim said with no real heat. It was easy to be annoyed at his parents for their attempt to get into Grim’s career choice but they truly were interested about him in the last few weeks. Ever since Mana really hit the town, everyone had become slightly easier to be around.

They were doing interesting things and watching his parents reveal sides tothemselves Grim had never seen was interesting. Like how his mum liked to paint... or his Dad loved terrible jokes. Not quite puns... but awkward lame jokes that made Grim actually prefer puns.

“Right, loot! Well, I heard you beat up two different bosses in one run! My little Noir is kicking butt and taking names! You gonna take your old man on a holiday soon when you’re famous?” the giant man asked which made Grim flush at the neck.

“Dad, I did one run and it was easy mode. I’m not famous,” he insisted, waving off the words as they headed to the kitchen area where something delicious was stewing.

“Hm, if you’re the first proper party... I don’t think that’s true,” his father muttered as they entered the giant kitchen which had a pantry that would make any chef quail in terror. The Pictus family’s tastes ran a little off-kilter than most.

Like the bubbling copper ingots for Grim’s Dad as Grandpa Pic cooked something that might have been a fanged kidney or a spiky tongue. Occasionally, when Grim was feeling sad or sick, Grandpa Pic would boil some fresh dictionaries and adventurer book tales for him like a porridge.

The weirdest was his mother.

She ate broccoli... willingly. All the males in the household feared her.

“Dad, how famous do you become for clearing a Dungeon for the first time and being the first? I was never into the Dungeon thing,” Grim’s dad asked his own father.

“The first group to pass a Dungeon gets recorded on the Star Arch. Depending on how dangerous and rare the Dungeon is, the more prominent the place,” Grandpa Pic said easily, shaking some of the demonic druid brussel sprouts for Grim’s mother.

Grim slowed in confusion.

“Star... Arch?” he echoed, first time hearing of it.

“We didn’t tell you or really let any kid know because it's the worst thing you can tell a kid,” the old man admitted, gruffly, but more in sad remembrance than any real heat.

“Do the impossible and get your name on top of this massive pillar and be famous. There are too many broken families because of that thing,” Grandpa Pic nodded to himself.

Bowls were set down and Grim’s puzzlement only grew as he tried to think about how that would work.

“So, I need to write in and ask them to put my name in or something?” Grim asked after some time. His Dad grinned.

“I’m sure they’ll believe you in a letter, but nah,” his dad trailed off for a second.

“It knows. It’s connected to all the Dungeons somehow. It’s the biggest broadcaster of a new Dungeon besides Fairplay. It’s like two spiral pillars floating around each other...” he explained and Grim was starstruck.

“Do you think my group got on?” he asked excitedly and his father shot his grandpa a look.

There was a long pause.

---

Miles east of the Royal Capital, across a long strip of ocean and near a mountain which appeared to have been hollowed out by giant hands... two pillars rotated around each other like hands of a clock. One white and almost immaterial, more like mist and cloud than stone, the other dark rock with roots cracking its surface.

They didn’t touch points, but in the space between them, a swirling sphere spun eternal since the world, sky, and stars formed. The sphere was a study of magical scholars and enchanters as it was one of the true ‘global’ spanning enchantments capable of self-updating and growth. The sphere didn’t look big until you needed it to be big... it wasn’t detailed until you focused... it seemed unique to each person glancing at it, but it never truly changed in itself.

The sphere was a massive catalogue. It was a work of art, with exceptions of ugly black marks where records were expunged as Dungeons became Abominations or were destroyed.

To use the sphere seemed free. It cost not mana, chi, chakra, soul, essence, psi, or any other known or complicated term for one's natural energy. However, the sphere did take a little of something.

A little of the dark seeds, just a little since it was never designed to truly be a solution. It was a good choice made by the Brother and Sister since people flocked to the Star Arch. A whole city outside the hollowed mountain had formed and the Sphere was working overtime to take as much of the darkness as it could.

There was between a handful of people to a whole arena’s worth at a time assessing records, judging new trailblazers, getting excited when a new Dungeon appeared... a whole stock-market of records and gambling on said records had become the city’s economy.

Gambling on heroes and adventurers.

The top three dungeons were recorded larger than the rest and focusing on them unearthed a dozen or more ‘sub-missions’ one could attempt to do. It was strange the pillars were trying to make people spend as much time in a Dungeon as possible doing things that might not even be dangerous.

Do 100 push-ups in a cleared boss room? Weird, but people did it for the glory.

New times and new ways of completing the challenges had become something of a lifestyle.

The top three dungeons currently on the arch were...

The Beautiful Death. The Ruby Dungeon of the Desert.

The Golden Underworld. The Royal Dungeon of the West.

The Black Swarm. The Temple Dungeon of Pit Jungles.

These three weren’t exactly close. The Royal Dungeon simply surpassed the other two by sheer time and visitors. Ruby and Swarm were neck to neck but there were others nipping at their heels. The Twin Hells, the Blue Depths, Dragon-dragon the dragon dungeon, and more.

Everyone had their horse, so to speak.

That was when on a day like any other... quite a normal day.

The Star Arch changed.

The earth pillar had mushrooms growing around its base with long veins of orange travelling its surface and the sky pillar looked like dawn was shining through it, turning its white luminance to a soft orange.

The entire city huddled in terror, wondering if this was the ‘death’ of the arch.

The sphere now recorded a new top three.

The Royal Dungeon. The Ruby Dungeon. The final one was simply listed as ‘Delta’. Despite the record saying it only had 2 floors... it was considered ‘sweet until you mess up’. This caused chaos...

Absolute bedlam.

The only comfort they got was a tiny wooden sign that looked to be stuck in the sphere itself. No one could remove the sign.

It was simple enough to read, translating itself to all languages and tongues.

In the immortal words of Lady Spears, ‘Oops... I did it again’. - Nu

Just below this ‘Delta’ was the only known winners.

Team Heroic Holy Pot and Friends successfully passed ‘easy mode: fun for all ages’. Grim ‘Core-Licker’ Pictus.

Deo ‘Hero goodboi’ Brawndo.

Kemy ‘2pure4life’ Hamdil.

Poppy ‘Unleash the Beast’ Roth.

Amenstar ‘Spooky Skeleton’ Wollom

Vas ‘ERROR’ Japes.

They are the first to defeat this Dungeon in this mode. By the royal laws of the agreed treaty of the world, all members of this party gain title of ‘sir’, ‘lady’, or ‘Knight’. 100 gold will be deposited in their accounts.

Have a super-duper day!

“They get a 100?! I only got 10!” a man in silver armour yelled.

“You got 10? I barely got silver and coppers!” a woman screamed at the same time. A poor squire looked up, looking at them with bloodshot eyes.

“You guys... get paid?” he croaked.

---

There was a pause in the Pictus kitchen.

“Who knows, son? Don’t be too let down if you don’t get on the board. You’re still my hero,” Myne Pictus promised Grim as he ruffled his boy’s hair. Grim grimaced and fought off the affection like any good teenager.

“Dad!” he whined.

Still... he felt oddly good.

He opened his book to the author’s thanks to people.

“To awkward protag teens and those considered unimportant to canon... I dedicate this to you... my friends. My best friends. Also, the giant mutant ant that can turn into a kaiju. Can’t forget about her...”

What a strange book...

---

Nu just felt weird.

As if he annoyed or taunted hundreds of people but he wasn’t quite sure how or when. What was even stranger was the fact he was Dungeoning. The ability to cause changes, edit the rules, add to things... it felt like he was tampering with the fire of the gods and he was a mortal about to be caught at any time.

Forbidden... but tempting.

Nu was never meant to be. A sentient program turned person because one girl cried too hard and was lonely. He was most likely the product of her delusions, deluded into thinking he wasn’t a figment of her imagination.

That was so... Delta! Burdening her hallucinations with feelings and guilt!

He hovered over the Mudroom, not sure how he should go about this. Adding spikes hidden under the mud was too... rude, according to Delta. Mudsnapper snakes? Too rude.

The mud was boiling enough to melt the flesh off the bone? Rude.

Nu was beginning to think he should just be rude and stop being so concerned about other people’s opinions.

Taking some quick panicked breaths, he opened a menu... sort of like opening his own soul outside and hoping it was stable.

Mudroom: Obstacle.

A room designed with floating platforms to cause the clumsy to fall into the mud below. The stable platforms switch positions for every new group.

35 upgrade suggestions discarded due to their lethality.

Who knew mud was so dangerous? Nu focused on the upgrades left.

Mud becomes warm and relaxes the person if they fall in. Making them move slower and more lethargic. 10 DP

The platforms spin slowly, causing dizziness. 5 DP

Change walls and platforms to be mosaic in style, depicting the threa- fun to come! 10 DP

Create treasure boxes in the four corners that slowly sink into the mud, tempting people to brave the mud for loot. The loot is drinks from the bar, food from the third floor Free Heal Hall, and signed copies of Maestro’s album ‘Shroomy Hearts’. 15 DP.

It was a basic room for what it was so the upgrades weren’t massive like the Pon- Lake room. Nu felt pain in his soul as he purchased them all, spending valuable DP on things that didn’t matter!

How could he...

Nu twitched and glitched in the air for a moment before his screen turned deep blue with white text that rapidly restored itself back to his grumpy usual disposition.

By then... the room had changed.

The wooden platforms and stone wall were now a glossy mix of tiles that formed together to make images. On each of the platforms, was a mess of words of orange on a blue background. If you were challenging the Dungeon and came to the room, the words would read out a message.

Live, Laugh, Loot.

Nu felt this was beyond tacky so he managed to slowly edit the room to read something slightly different by adding a few letters.

Livestock, Slaughter, Looters

To his surprise, the menu opened again with a new upgrade.

Change the message depending on how badly the Dungeon wants the group to suffer? 2 DP

Nu couldn’t see the harm. He purchased it and the messages slowly changed through each stage. It was pretty clear to see which mode was which.

Stage 1: Live, Laugh, Loot.

Stage 2: Experience, Hum, Learn.

Stage 3: Warned, Listen, Sweat.

Stage 4: Livestock, Slaughter, Looters.

Stage 5: Gonna, have a, BAD time.

There was a stage 6, but the words were perhaps a bit apocalyptical in nature so Nu just kept that hidden for future purposes. Nu grinned wickedly at the poor fools that set that one off... he took one more peek at it, just to enjoy the imagery of the fate they would incur.

Stage 6: You made Delta cry.

---

“Feeling better?” Fera asked gruffly as Delta lounged on her bar with a cocktail glass in her hand. Delta didn’t conjure alcohol, she just liked the shape of the glass for her orange juice.

“Much. I guess I was just exhausted after helping Deo. Plus... when was the last time I just relaxed?” Delta said, stretching happily like a cat.

“Imagine working since the day you were born,” Fera agreed sarcastically as she polished glass with a rag.

“You’re welcome to take a holiday,” Delta mumbled around her OJ. Fera’s yellow eyes opened as her nostrils flared.

“And leave who in charge? Those idiots?” Fera asked, pointing to the gaggle of goblins in the corner. Cois was tied to a pillar as Billy aimed knives with one eye closed. Cois was screaming around a gag and Numb was trying to diplomatically calm the argument.

Nearby, a bundle of Billy’s arrows looked burnt to spindly sticks.

“What about that girl you hired? Nina?” Delta asked and Fera shrugged.

“We’re a 24-hour joint. She needs at least 4 hours sleep or something,” Fera said casually as if she could perhaps push Nina to ignore that need.

“You sure she didn’t say ‘8 hours’?” Delta replied with an amused smile. Fera merely grinned back.

“Might have been six,” she admitted.

“My services are available, Matron Fera,” Lord Mushy offered and Fera eyed the gentleman mushroom sipping sweet sugary water from a cup.

“Ever poured a double Jack special without exploding?” she asked and Mushy turned to look at her.

“No, but I am quite flame-resistant these days,” he admitted.

The things Delta heard in her Dungeon could fill a book.

She wondered how Nu was getting on?

---

Mushroom Grove: A material room with a room guardian called ‘Boary’. Mushrooms from all floors grow here without any DP cost and if fire magic is used here... it can get messy.

Allow Boary to have two piglet minions. 10 DP.

Explosions and fires now form a special boss of Boary. Now, the Firemane form will not perish or cause madness. Special nature spirits from Devina will guard Boary’s mind against the element of fire and rage. 25 DP.

Cause 5 golden mushrooms to grow and if all five are found and fed to Boary, adventurers may have a chance at gaining one of the piglet minions as a bound pet. Requires piglet minions. 15 DP.

The Mushroom Grove now grows and develops Mushroom staves naturally, very rarely an adventurer may take one at their leisure. These staffs bring immense joy to those who are easily amused. Also a semi-potent magical foci. 10 DP.

Special Stage: Grow a stage of mushrooms in which Maestro can appear and sing to an audience. Listening to his song may grant many buffs going forward and listening to Maestro on every floor can cause rare rewards to appear. 25 DP.

Nu was beginning to think the Mushroom Grove had peaked at ‘lots of Gutrot mushrooms’ and was now trying to distract him with all these other upgrades that didn’t actually improve the original room’s function at all.

He opened the room's secondary menu to see the types of mushrooms that were able to be made and found the issue.

Nu groaned.

Current Mushroom breeding. Gutholes. Parent: Gutrot and Blackhole Piggle.

Current estimated time of completion for a cheap and stable breed: 118 years.

Nu cancelled the production and looked at the combinations. He sorted it by ‘priority’.

Gutrot + Blackhole Piggle =???

Blackhole Piggle + Gutrot =???

Blackhole Piggle + Starlight = ??

Nu stared at the screen, flickering glitches appearing on his face.

He sorted by ‘least important’

Edible Mushroom+Blackhole Piggle = ???

Lumen Mushroom + Blackhole Piggle = ???

“WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION WITH PIGS?!” Nu screeched and Boary looked up, a frown on his tusked face.

“Current company excluded,” Nu amended with clenched teeth.

He dragged out the Blackhole piggle and when he went to drop it into the discard, the little wastebasket symbol began to flee as if to thwart Nu.

“I will not have insubordination in my own existence! Get back here and delete the disaster pig... me!” Nu ordered. His words were jarring.

Was some part of him deeply wishing he could weaponize the Blackhole Piggles?

Sure!

Did that mean it was wise?

No...

But... Nu held the Blackhole Piggle selection with a nervous glitch forming.

Wisdom was his dump stat.

Nu looked at the edible mushroom and slotted it in with the piggle...

Estimated time to completion: 2 hours.

Begin?

Delta could have baby pig minions. Nu would have booby-trapped blackhole mushrooms that would suck people inside out...

It was a natural balance.

New breed being formed.

Name: Tongue Twister.